Holidays

Hello everyone,

I thought I should give everyone an update on how things are going. I must say things are going very well for me here. I think moving here was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I am content here now that I have adjusted to the small size of this place, and now find it very cozy. My X is leaving me alone as by the court order, and I am waiting for a date to be set to go before a judge to see if we can settle or if we need to go to court to finish this.

My friends are and have been such a great help to me, to me they are all guardian angels sent right from heaven. I will tell you, no matter what happens in your life, hold onto your good and best friends...they will be the only ones there when things go bad, and you feel like you are alone in this world.

Sometimes we drift apart, or a relationship comes along to separate you from them. Sometimes someone doesn't like to share your attention with them, but hold onto them, because if someone really loves you, they will want you to be happy and have your friends close by.

Be grateful for them and cherish them, God sent them to us for a reason. Thank him by keeping them close my friends, I know I am saying that a lot. But you see, my best friend got me through my nightmare. Without her I am very sure I wouldn't have made it, and now that my mind is clearing and settling, I realize this above all other things.

To all of my other friends who remained by my side through my living hell...thank you.
Maybe in the new year it would be a great resolution to make to cherish our friends more, and let them know it.

On that note, I wish you all a great new year, it will be a year of new beginnings for me, and I look forward to this now, and never look back.

Happy New Year,
Pixies:)

Merry Christmas

To all who read this blog,

I want to wish you and yours a wonderful and fulfilling Christmas.
My wish for you all:
May the true meaning of this season find fill and hold you.
May it maintain you through the coming years, in the form of hope and faith.

Merry Christmas,
and a very,
Happy New Year!
Pixie:)

Deep thoughts

Hello,

I am finally just about ready for Christmas, a couple more things to pick up and then I can relax.
Now that this season is here, I find myself reflecting on the good I experienced in and with people.

I had become cynical of everyone because of everything that has happened over the last 6 months. I had lost my faith in the fact that most people are good, and I needed to experience that once more to remember this story.

I won't tell the details but someone just did something for me out of the goodness of their heart. I did not ask, as a matter of fact I never said a word about what I needed, but because of this person I now have something that was a need but I couldn't get alone.

This has brought back to me, another good memory. This happened one day a few years ago, while I was working as a housekeeper. I went to clean the room of a terminal resident who was having a hard time excepting his outcome. I had ask if it was ok to clean his room, and yes he wanted some company.

As I started to clean I could see he was greatly depressed, and I ask if I should leave, he said no, but ask, "would you answer a question if you know"? I knew it was going to be a very serious question, and I told him I would try.

He said something along the lines of, "Do you think we pay for everything we have done in our lives, and if we spent all of our lives doing right and good would it make a difference in the end, and would it matter if we believe in God or not?"...

Well this I will tell you is not my expertise, but I thought quietly for a few minutes and reflected on what I believe. I finally said to him, I can tell you what I think, that doesn't make it right, nor does it make it wrong. It is my opinion only, do you want to hear it?

He said yes please do, I sat on the side of his bed and said something similar to this.
Life throws most people some hard things and times to deal with, we all wonder if there can be such a wonderful being out there watching us as we suffer so, and doesn't seem to help or interfere, but rather watches us in our misery.

Some of these life lessons can be cruel beyond belief, and so painful that we just about collapse under the burden. We almost certainly have to build invisible walls of protection as a means of blocking some of the pain out, and yes that means we with-draw from our fellow man, and our emotions are guarded.

Then I believe once we reach this level, then mistrust sets in, and the "I don't care" attitude.
We then have pretty much become part of what made us this way in the first place. It is so easy to stay in this place and hide from life, we become very comfortable living in our created world and let very few in, or help very few.

But I also have to believe that unless we experience this pain and suffering, we would never understand the pain of others. I believe there does come a time when we once again want to help everyone we can through their troubles. Maybe that wonderful being knows: if life was so easy, we would have no reason to question our faith, and that everyone would believe. Maybe I said, if we can survive through our pain and misery, and somehow realize that there must be a reason that we don't or can't understand for these things to happen.
And maybe when we get to the end of this physical life, and still have faith, and believe in the one greatness we all know as our maker...then maybe, just maybe... that will be enough, and all that is required.

This man sat and looked in the other direction and stared blankly for a few minutes. I went to get up, but he reached out and took my hand. He said thank you, I don't know if it is true or not, and the fear of the unknown takes us away from those thoughts of understanding. I am not proud of some of the things I did in my life, but yes I did learn many lessons from them.

And maybe you are right, I was questioning my faith as to how and why I could be lying here in this state of pain and suffering, and no heavenly help has come to me. Maybe in the end, that help will be there...when I need it most of all. I will keep the faith, and the belief, that this is all for a reason and maybe that will carry me through. Thank you again, he said, I am still very scared, and yes even angry, but I do and will believe.

I hugged him as we both had tears in our eyes, because we shared a bit of understanding and faith. You see, even if what I said wasn't true or right, it didn't matter. Without a cent, or an inconvenience we both felt the good that came out of that conversation.

We the two of us together, created a possibility of hope, in this world that can be so cruel and push us a side as if we don't matter. Now that I am beginning to remember some of these events in my life, it is helping me to be content with myself.

You see I have realized something else recently. I was always the one who went around telling people to enjoy the real meaning of Christmas, and not this store bought one that now exists. But this year I was the cynical one who was saying, I will be glad when it is over, and that I am only going through the motions.

Now I see the wrong in that, and I need to practise what I preach. Although I am not overly religious, I claim no named faith, my faith is that I believe. I don't believe in putting a label on it, or a certain name or church. Faith is something that we carry within us, and is there all the time, not just in certain places.

When I stop and think about the ever lasting love of God and his son, I truly feel a spark or a flame of strong emotion in my soul, I can feel it with-in me. Some of you may not agree with what I have said, and you are equally entitled to your beliefs, I would never say that they are wrong...how would any of us know in this world?

So in ending my story, although I am hurt and disillusioned with my life...I do believe and I must remember why a gift is given. It is not for me to judge what the receiver of the gift thinks of it, only that it was given for the right reasons, even if it is not the right color, or brand name.

Try to believe my friends, because in the end...faith is all we can take with us.

May the true meaning of the season be with you,
Pixies:)

Time

Hello everyone,

The Christmas season has arrived, I have been keeping myself so busy it could almost have passed me by. Normally I really enjoy this time of year, and I am putting effort into it for my work purposes. I have decorated my place a bit, and I have managed to get a few gifts wrapped.

So I guess I can honestly say I am slowly moving forward in my life. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, and time seems to be flying by now. If you are curious if I have met someone...no, I have decided I will not look.

If something happen, that will be nice, but I have convinced myself that I will be better off alone. No one to answer too, and no explanations required for what I do or where I go. I do go out a lot on the weekends now, and yes I do party;) As a matter of fact I will soon be going out again, but with friends, we laugh, dance and just enjoy ourselves.

The only problem with this...for some strange reason I don't feel so well the next morning! Ha ha. I always said I won't grow up, and once my divorce is final, I plan on proving that to myself, that is the only person I answer too now...and I like it!

Have a good night,
Pixies:)

Old Friends

Hello everyone,

I am sitting here tonight thinking about my little friends I had at the last place I lived. It almost seems like a dream now that I became so close to them. Now that I am here and it is colder, I don't spend as much time out side. I miss this close contact I had with them. I am hoping the coming summer will bring some of these encounters back to me.

It is amazing to me now, how natural it all seemed to have the birds landing inches away from me, and flying so close. I could feel the wind from their wings on my face. The birds sitting on the wash line singing contently as I listened to their songs. The squirrels and chipmunks looking for fallen food, and as curious of me as I was of them.

Maybe I dreamed these things, how could that have ever happened, or be real? I f not for these photos of my friends I don't think I would have believed it. But I do remember the feelings I felt when I was around, and with them. I don't believe the language has been written yet to explain it.

Remember all your friends, human or not,

Pixie:)

Cook Pot

Hello,

I had a very interesting evening this evening and I would like to share it with you. My best friend Kelly is coming up tomorrow, I am not sure yet if it will be for lunch or supper, but I decided to make home made chicken soup, or chicken stew as I make mine thick with ingredients.

Well I went to the store and picked up everything I needed after work, once I had everything ready to start I went for a pot....guess what...I didn't have a pot big enough to make it in. Now picture me standing there with everything ready to go and nothing to make it in. What did I do, well I stood there and laughed at this situation, what else could one do but laugh and shake my head.

I borrowed a pot from a friend and figured now I was ready, I had a very good start on things. I prepared the chicken and added my spices, I peeled and diced the turnip, and potato, and went to peel the carrots. Once again I stopped and literally busted out laughing...guess what...yup I don't have a carrot peeler either! But this didn't deter me, I did it the old fashion way....with a knife:)

Now it was quite the experience, as I haven't cooked many meals like this since I moved here. I must say I did sample the soup and it tastes just fine. It has been so long since I attempted to cook things again. For the last few years of my marriage everything I made was not good enough for my ex, mostly as he said it wasn't made the way he made it, or the way he liked it. So my answer to him was, then you do the cooking because I am tired of hearing it.

That is exactly what happened, he did it his way. I never gave him the satisfaction of complaining about, because some things just aren't worth it. So even with all the problems I had, I feel good about making things my way again. I would have been happy with the compromise of sharing and experiencing different ways of making different dishes...but that would take compromise, something that no longer existed.

So now it is my way all the way:) Gawd it felt good saying that:)) Then I felt so good about the soup I decided I am also having a salad as well. Then I proceeded to scrub the upstairs and downstairs here tonight after all the dishes were done of course. Now I am going to clean the washroom, dust and then put myself into a nice candle light bath to end my day. My hope is that I will sleep in tomorrow knowing I have my work done.

Usually as soon as I wake on my day off, my first thought is all I have to do that day. This thought then will not let me return to sleep and regardless of the time I have to get up and start. I will be interested to see if this works or not. I am usually up at 5, but I am hoping for at least 8 tomorrow morning, well here is hoping. Well I need to get started again now the floor is dry.

Have a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Darkened Skies

Hello everyone,

Tonight I went over to a friends and watched her decorating for Christmas, she always starts early:) But I think for me that might have been a mistake, as it reminded me of everything I have lost this year...no I don't mean my soon to be X husband.

I have spent the last number of years collecting, creating and painting all of my Christmas possessions. But when I left I was able to grab very little of it, and so now I have lost it. I know a lot was given away and the rest was destroyed and that hurts.

I know it is just material things...but they were important to me. I think this is going to be a very hard season to get through this year, as I will have to remember what I had. I will not attempt to replace it this year as my will and want won't be there.

I will try and enjoy this holiday as I always enjoyed Christmas, and the true meaning of it. I choose to look at it as I have to give it all up in order to truly start again. But that doesn't make nights like this any easier. So to deal with my emotions I need to be creative, so I wrote another poem.

Darkened Skies

Oh darkening skies so cloudy and grey,
When oh when will you go away.

Your cruelty so strong, while emotions are lost,
No trust in you is my complete cost.

I have paid my dues, enough for three,
Why dear fate are you so hard on me.

A lesson I must learn, and let it all go,
Do you feel my pain I would like to know?

But suffer I must for reasons unknown,
To keep the faith while the pain is shown

To a better time ahead, the dept paid in full,
To a fulfilling life, I hope this is the rule.


I hope in time the trust will return,
For it is self who has made this turn.

One day soon an understanding we will reach,
And through my pain maybe that lesson is reached.

By: Ann Gallant
November 21, 2007

Good night,

Pixie

Dancing

Hello again,

Last night I went to my work Christmas party and dance, my best friend went with me and was designated driver, and we took a couple of people with us. So I became very good friends with Mr. Labatt Blue because I didn't have to drive;) It was very nice to get out and mingle and just cut loose a little bit, it really helped bring me around. The only downside of last night is that I was thirsty all day...don't know why I sure drank enough last night....ha ha. But I still have my blue friend here and I will enjoy at least one of him tonight.

Today my mom and sister came down for a visit and lunch, and this morning I went down and visited my 92 year old friend. So I have to say this weekend went very good time wise. Sometimes I find time drags so slow, so when it goes good I am very appreciative.
It is going to be a very chilly night and I have just put another log on the fire as they say. Now it is time to go watch the flames and have a chat with Mr. Blue;)

Have a good evening everyone,
Pixie:)

Chickadee

Hello,

I had a very interesting encounter this morning with a Chickadee, I park my car in the back parking lot at work and started walking down the hill. About half way down a Chickadee flew about a foot in front of me singing his song as he went. I smiled at the closeness, and of his comfort being so close to me as he landed on a small branch as I walked by.

I continued my walk and within a few seconds this little bird again called out as he flew by and landed on another branch in front of me. I did pay attention a bit this time and looked directly at him, but for some reason I kept walking. This was strange because normally I would have stopped and chatted a bit with this wonderful creature.

I walked on and again this little bird flew by singing Chickadee Dee Dee, and again landed on a branch in front of me. This time I knew this bird wanted a little attention. I stopped and turned directly facing him and ask how he was this morning, he replied with his song and came closer to me on his branch.

I in return repeated his chickadee Dee Dee, this little wonder turned his head from side to side as if trying very hard to understand. He then sang yet again and moved very slowly to the end of his branch, keeping an eye on where I was. He then went to a pile of bird seed that was close by, he sang, and stood there looking at me but didn't eat.

I then said I wish I could understand what you were trying to tell me. Obviously he wasn't hungry as there was plenty of food there. This happening follow me all day, and I now wonder if this isn't one of the bird I had befriended before.

I know how strange that sounds, but he was so comfortable around me, and wanted to tell me something. This is the only explanation I have come up with so far. I stood and chatted a bit with him, and then headed back towards work. I looked back to see him then start to eat, but still watched me until I disappeared around the corner.

A short while ago I felt a return to nature and her wonders, but lately I have lost that feeling again. Maybe that was my wake up call to try and return to what once seemed so natural and right. I seem to have retreated into myself again, this is something I do by times. Maybe it is time to wake once again.

If nothing else it is defiantly food for thought, this is my second experience with birds lately. When I was in Lockport a few days ago I went for a walk at lunch time. Across from where I was is a school. There was plenty of children out and about and on my way all was as usual, however on the way back I noted something.

There were Seagulls flying around and I noticed two within the playground. A young girl around the age of 7 or 8 was watching these birds with interest, I stopped and watched this unfold.
This child walked towards the birds, one bird took off but the other just took a few steps away.

This girl again took some steps toward the bird, and again this bird took a few steps. I was fascinated that this child continued this games as the bird did. This went on for at least 5 minutes, finally the bird walked out an opening in the fenced in area. At this point the girl stopped and looked around the grounds, I noted she looked directly in the direction of the adults. She didn't notice me watching her, she again looked at the bird who stopped and was watching the girl as if waiting for her.

For me I began to worry that this child would go through the opening unnoticed. The girl scanned the area once more and slowly walked pass the opening and passed the bird. The bird just stood there watching her for a bit, and then flew away. I also noticed that now the adults were watching her, so I continued on thinking deeply about what just happen.

How determined that child was to catch that bird, it was almost like watching a battle of wills. This is another situation I am trying to understand, I find human behavior so interesting. What would be different to have made that girl go through that opening and possible be in danger. Was it her up bringing, her fear of being caught, or did she realized the more she followed this bird the more he would move away. This is a good question and one I am sure no one would agree on.

What does it all mean, I am not sure. Maybe it means nothing at all, maybe there is a lesson to be learned between the two stories. What I do know is that until I return to nature and follow her once again I won't understand...maybe it is time for me to walk through the opening of my mind and take a chance, and be as persistent as that Chickadee...and maybe stop following blindly and think about my actions?

Food for thought,
Pixies:)

Harmony

Hello,

I just got back from a two day work related trip in Lockport. This is the first time I have visited this area and I must say it is a very nice scenic area. Immediately after getting out of my car by our cottage, I noticed the scent of the salt air. Many don't know this, but I am attracted to the salt air and the sound of the waves crashing at a beach.

The combination of this effect changes my personality instantly and completely. It is almost as if rational thought is no longer allowed in this environment, and only the senses are capable of picking up all that is natural. I had a friend with me and as we talked, I engulfed the sights and sound around me. I almost felt like I separated part of me to engage this revitalization that I felt I need.

As my mind became calm I was then able to total concentrate on what my friend was saying and an in depth conversation ensued. I must say it seems like so long since that feeling of contentment filled me. I also know it will be short lived, but I will carry that time as long as I can until it has faded and a new experience is need to replace this contentment.

The one constant I found while there was while watching the different sea birds interact with each other. Although they were weary of the other and watched to see if one had something the other wanted, it was their flight which spell bound me.

As they glided into the wind, they would join in a formation as if a universal feeling of freedom had found them. They weren't looking around for the next morsel, rather they seem to invite the others to let the wind carry them and to be content for that moment. I will analyse what I learned in both my work environment and what nature was trying to tell or show me.

Have a good day,
Pixie:)

Still of the Night

Hello everyone,

I was over to a friends for a coffee earlier, the one thing I noted was how still this night is.
After the wind and snow it was very noticeable to me. I noted the frost under my steps as I walked and knew I had better be careful as I didn't have boots on.

The calm of this night is some how different, the silence seems to carry on forever if that makes sense to any of you, sometime silence can be deafening and tonight is one of those nights. I think if a twig would have snap I would have jumped out of my skin I am sure.

I think I will do as the bears do during our cold long winters, barricade myself in and wait for the spring to wake me from my slumber. Nature does it best as we know, she has figured out how to handle everything life throws at us...how I wish I had that wisdom to get me through.
But like everyone else, we will get by the best way we can...right or wrong.

Until next time,
Pixies

Remembrance Day

Hello,

Today I would like to ask that we all take the time and remember why we can sit here and read this Blog, and create them. I respectfully ask that each person take the 2 minutes of silence today and imagine what might have happened if those brave people wouldn't have scarified everything for us all.

Here is a link to a video that says more in a song than I could say with all the writings on the Internet.
http://www.slide.com/r/4M2jASNSsD-5qRP7aOZ1TguPuVEKlbdJ

I wish you all a peaceful day,
Pixies

Flu Shot

Hello everyone,

I had my flu shot the other day as I do every year. I have had some effects from them in the past, but this time I know it made me sick. I was feeling good, until about 3 hours after I had the shot. I got extremely tired feeling, and a little nausea. By that night it was a little worse and my throat and ears got sore, the hot flashes also started.

I think that was the first time in my life I had flashes of heat like that...and I didn't like it at all.
I went to my doctor but she didn't think it was from the shot so she put me off work just encase something was starting and so I wouldn't spread it at work. Well last night was bad, I didn't feel well at all, this morning it was about the same.

My friend who lives next door brought me over some chicken soup she made for dinner, now that did seem to help...and maybe because I wasn't eating much as I didn't feel well. She also did my wash and hung it out, she is a good friend and I do appreciate that...and I won't forget it either. I managed to get through today ok, but I worry how long this night will be as I slept a lot today, but I will soon find out. But right now all my symptoms are just about gone, the only thing I still feel is a little fatigue, and that is why I suspect the shot.

My understanding of the flu shot is that it changes from year to year depending on what type of flu is coming. So why I wonder do so many find it hard to believe that this changing shot will indeed affect people in different ways every year. I know they would never say if this is true because people might stop getting the shot. I wouldn't stop getting it, but I would at least be prepared for the effects that might go with them, and maybe have some understanding of what might happen from them. Anyway...

Kelly and I have been out a few times now, but still no sign of my dream man. Maybe he will come and knock on my door with that single flower I talked about...ya right:) Anyway I have finally joined face book, everyone seems to be on it so I thought I would try it. There is an application called are you interested, I have added it to my page and I have had a few yes replies, but they are all so far away. But it is fun so I will continue, and you just never know when something might happen.

Well take care,
Pixies:)

Storm

Hello,

Well we had a nasty storm go through Nova Scotia last night, power was off for a while. I woke this morning to downed power lines and trees all over the place. The house next to mine had the power meter and stack ripped off from the wind.

In this sheltered area it seemed to be worse between 3-4 am when I was wakened by a bang. This is when the broken limbs from the trees were hitting here. I saw a lot of washed out driveways and flooded areas today as well. But thank goodness it passed, and we survived another storm.

Speaking of storms, some of you might be wondering how I am doing in my single life. Well things are going ok, I can't say it is exciting...it isn't. I really miss having companionship, I have decided that if I meet someone I am going to give it a try. I don't like being alone, this I have found out. That doesn't mean I will settle for the first thing that comes along, I couldn't do that. I need to feel some emotion from a person before I could consider getting to know them better.

More important they would have to show a genuine interest in me, and not be afraid to show it.
But I will wait to see what happens, some of you might be thinking, but she has only been alone for five months. To that I say I have been alone for two years and five months, that is how long it has been since I felt wanted or needed, so that is the date I choose to use. Now you can see why I am ready to move on.

I can spend my days so easy, but when evening comes I dread it. I was hoping that would improve once I moved here, and it has a bit, but there is no replacing the comfort and warmth when someone cares for you. Last night one of my friends and I kicked back and had some beer, we had some good laughs, but again it reminded me that I really don't want to be alone. I am a people person and I feel so empty when I am alone. So now I have to try and find someone I like to fill this void or at least try.
Anyway that is where I am in my emotional battle, I now know I can make it alone, but I don't like it at all.

I also know there was a few of you out there who were having your own trouble and problem, I truly hope things have improved for you, I have not forgotten you. I will try to keep you updated when I can, but somehow I think it will be sometime yet before I find that someone, but if I do...I will share that happiness with you.

Until next time,
Pixie

Relax

Good morning,

Things have been quiet, and I am enjoying this. Last night I had a hot oil bath in candle light, now I was very relaxed by the time I was done. The kids stopped here around 8, and I decided I wanted to relax and hopefully have a good nights sleep.

It did work, I slept most of the night and I do feel rested this morning. I highly suggest this for those of you who are under a great deal of stress. I used a three wick Pillar candle and sat it where I could watch the flames flicker. I was amazed at how intent I watched the flames and how my mind followed them.

This allow me to relax and stop the continued turmoil we all deal with in our minds. I will add one other thing, if you have a partner it might benefit the both of you to try this... and may lead to an interesting evening;)

Time to get ready for work, have a good day everyone,
Pixie:)

Relaxing Walk

Hello again,

It turned out to be a very hectic day for me after all. I didn't even have breakfast until 12:30 this afternoon, it just seemed that everything snowballed. I started doing one thing and it lead to another and then another.

Finally around 4:30 I got finished for today, I did stop for a half hour visit with my 92 year old friend. Then I finally decided it was time for my solo walk by the water. I geared up and away I went, I have to tell you the scenery here is breath taking to say the least.

As I walked along the coast I could feel the gentle breeze blowing on my face and through my hair, the sun warming me as I walked. I feel so exhilarated at these times in my walk, as I watched the gulls and numerous other birds frolic around in the low tide looking for a snack.

I am hoping this is yet again another beginning to get back to the things I really like doing in life. I will tell I mind the loneliness, it is very hard being alone all the time. So it would seem I am keeping so busy that I literally fall into bed nights, too tired to think about things for any amount of time.

But I also know this will ease as I get use to it, getting some kind of routine set up will help a great deal I am sure. I will only now allow myself to think about the things I like and what I would like to do in the coming months and years. At least I can look forward to these things now, it will soon be 5 months since I have been on my own and I am slowly adjusting. Do I regret leaving, NO.

We all need to decide what we as individuals are willing to accept from others in our lives. I knew back then and have had it confirmed so many times since then. So many people have come forward with things I was never aware of, I just wish I would have known these things years ago. But that is a wasted wish, that I know.

I just put on a nice little fire to warm the place tonight as it is suppose to get cold, hopefully it will still be warm in the morning.

Good night everyone,
Pixie:)

Night Out

Good morning,

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here, and I am enjoying it by being lazy! I am still sitting here drinking coffee and playing on the computer, I guess I will soon have to shower and start the day but not just yet.

My best friend Kelly and I went out last night, this picture was taken before we left. We went to karaoke and had a few drinks, it is very nice to be out and about again. Now you know why I am lazing around this morning:)

We had some good laughs last night and I am still smiling over some of them this morning, lets just say there was a pole dancing competition, and no it wasn't me. It was done as a joke by two of the girls for a few minutes, and it was hilarious!

Kelly and I spent the whole day together, we do that on Saturdays only, and Monday night we usually get together as well. This gives us both something to look forward too through our hectic week.

I have a busy day planned again of course, more house work. I didn't get a lot done yesterday and I try to get it done on Sunday so it stays good for a few days though the week while I work.

I am also soon making some bacon and eggs, now that is the way to enjoy a Sunday morning:))

I wish you all a peaceful Sunday,

Pixie:)

Cozy

Hello,

I am finally feeling cozy in my new place. I found it a little chilly tonight and so I made a fire...well it is not cold anymore now that I can tell you! I better get use to wood heat, as I haven't had that kind of heat for years.

I was to a couple of outings now and plan on going to some more. It is nice finally to be able and ready to socialized again. I am just about ready to face the long cold winter, but honestly I still mind all the alone time. But I am sure in time that will become less and less of a problem.

Most single people tell me once they adjusted to be alone they really aren't in any hurry to give up their freedom, but for me I like the sharing and caring of a relationship if it is good. Time will eventually tell what I will prefer as time goes on.

I must be starting to adjust a little because tonight is the first time in all these months that I actually bought groceries and not frozen dinners! :) Maybe time to start cooking again and creating a new life.

I have also noted the moon the last few nights, I see it much quicker here in the evenings as it passes by my window. Her pull is still strong on me and I am glad I am finally taking notice to these things once again. For the first time tonight while I was out back a little bird started singing close by, so of course I started talking to this new friend.

You know things may not be so bad after all:)
Have a peaceful night everyone,
Pixie:)

New Place

Hello

I decided to add the photo's of my place to show you. It is small but now it is comfortable.
I have all my needs met except for getting wood for the winter and I am looking into that now.
I have things pretty much done here for now, and will be able to slow down some.
It is nice to be closer to friends, and to be able to walk out my front door and be able to see them.

I am going to believe that things will now start to go better for me, am I still scared...of course I am.
But that is normal for anyone who is start over again in life, one day at a time will get me through my days. I must be getting rested as I started my 3 am wakings again, now I have to go downstairs to use my computer as my laptop needs to set up. I am not sure if I will set it up for now, the external monitor is so big as the display no longer works on it.

I am going for a walk tomorrow, I am looking forward to that. Back to work on Monday, I am so glad I took the extra days off to get this move done. My plan was just for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but I also took Thursday off and I am very glad I did. I forgot how much work is involved in moving and sorting and placing things.

My friend and I went up to the other place I was living to today and cleaned it, I passed in my key and am now totally here. There is no turning back, I will only move forward. I just hope fate has some good things planned for me for a change. Four months of pure misery has taken its toll on me, and I need some good times and laughs now.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Moved

Hello,

I am finally moved in to my little house, and when I say little I mean little. But it is big enough for me, I even have a wood stove, that will help on those cold cold nights. It has taken forever to get things half organized, or at least to the point where I can find them.

This is the first night I actually feel at home here, and I have taken the night off to sit and relax a bit. I am beginning to believe this is a whole new start to my life, and I am ready to start living it now that I am here.

I am hoping to start exploring this place as I do have a small back yard, and if all goes well, in the spring I would like to fix the yard up and make an out door living area out there. But I guess first I need to get through the bitter cold winter that is on the way.

One really nice thing about here is there is a full size bath tub, and I have been enjoying my 2 am bubble baths before falling exhausted into my bed. The bathroom is only just big enough to turn around in, the tub is under the stairwell that goes upstairs. Every space here is well used now that I can tell you. Maybe I will take some pictures at some point and put on here for those who would like to see it.

Well that is it for this time, I wish you all a peaceful night.
Pixie

Natures friends

Hello,

I just finished loading my car with boxes, I will be storing them until I move next week. I know without a Shadow of a doubt, I will miss natures friends here. As I loaded the boxes in my car, the little birds curiously watched me. Every time I came back for another box they would land on the clothesline by my door and sing as if asking what was going on.

I have excepted them as they seem to have accepted me, and if I make a certain sound now they will come and land on the line and talk to me. I will sincerely miss that, but maybe my next place will offer some new friends from nature.

I will admit I am having very mixed emotions about this move. Closing one door means you must open another, and ready or not I can not stand still and I must open that door. I am at times looking forward to this move, but there are other times when I would rather just stay here and avoid moving on and facing my tomorrow.

But I also know that good or bad I must take this step, I know the friends I have now will be there for me and that makes this move so much easier for me. Fear is a powerful enemy, and one to be reckoned with, and I do not fool myself to think I can stop fear from happening. Whether I stay or go there will be fear on both sides, so knowing this, I will go for the unknown and put myself out there for fate to decide if it is the right thing to do.

I am tired of trying to figure out what is right and wrong, so this time I will let the hand that has guided me this far, take me forward. I can not and will not believe all that has happened is a coincident, there are just to many over the last year not to know. Some people do not believe in this, and I myself have been very skeptical...but now I can not ignore things any longer.

I guess we will all find out together, as I plan to keep all of you updated, and maybe give you a little hope that things do happen for a reason...and maybe not always bad ones. So take a deep breath with me, and wish me luck with the rest of my life...it begins next weekend.

Take care out there,
Pixie:)

Quiet

Hello,

It has been very quiet lately, I just wanted to check in and let you know I am still here. It would seem I have nothing to write about lately, I wonder if this is what they call writers block:)
Anyway, should anything interesting happen I will keep you informed.
Right now I am just packing and trying to mentally and physically prepare for my move.

Until next time,
Pixie

Weekend

Hello,

I am having a good weekend so far, I was at a friends until almost 2am this morning fixing his computer. Had a lot of trouble but I am hoping this will fix it. Tonight I went to a BBQ at my brothers, it was so nice to get out and about again.

My best friend Kelly had her tattoo done today, I have to give her credit for that. She has been thinking about doing this for five years now, and now she has done it. You go girl!:))

I finally feel that I am ready for what ever lies a head for me. I don't mind the thought of being alone as long as I can stay busy. I have promised myself I will never settle for just any relationship, it must be very special before I will ever make a commitment again.

I am now comfortable in the fact that I will remain alone if it is not that special someone. I have already had a few invitations for blind dates, but I am not interested in looking. I don't mind going out and having a good time, but nothing serious is my plan.

My X finally had his day in court and plead guilty to assault and breach! I was shocked that he actually admitted it, but very relieved. Don't get me wrong I was willing and ready to take it to court, but this was so surprising. He got one year probation, and no contact with me, my work place or where I live. He also got fined and has to go to counselling.

I know some of you are saying that is only a slap on the wrist for all he has done, but understand this. In four months, this is the first time he has had to pay for anything he has done. He seemed to be getting away with everything, which really worried me. But now he knows and so do I that eventually everyone will pay for what they do. They may not get what they deserve, but anything is better than nothing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Pixie:)

Good evening

Hello,

It was a very good evening this evening. My best friend Kelly came up and we went out for supper, then we did some window shopping. We had some serious talks tonight about life, as well as some tearful laughs.

We had a treat tonight and of course we wanted nuts with that...need I finish this statement? No I think not, but we laughed until we cried and I must say that felt good. I seem to be smiling more lately, and I am so glad of that.

Even after hearing the latest about my X today didn't bother me. Apparently he is now telling everyone I am calling him, why on earth would I do that? Then I ran into my niece tonight whom I haven't seen for years.
She had heard the rumours from him, and she hardly knows him. Well for all of the rest of you out there who hear the rumours...no matter what you hear, I can tell you they are not true.

I have taken pride in the fact that I will not stoop to his level. We have ended a 25 year relationship, why can't we just end it and be done with it, instead of playing these silly games?
Anyway, that no longer matters to me, it is completely over. I have moved on. I refuse to turn back no matter how difficult it gets. I will at least know I am doing things right, and I will not spread lies trying to make myself look good...I don't need to do that...unlike someone else!

Hello tomorrow,
Pixie:)

Walk

Hello,

Yesterday I finally went for a walk, I haven't been for a pleasure walk since July. Now I will admit I was nervous, but none the less it was nice. It was a bit breezy, but even that felt good as I had the sun on my face.

I walked about 30 minutes total as I am not use to walking and know the hazards of over doing it the first few times. I want to try and experience some of the wonders of fall as they happen this season, before the cold hand of winter sweeps the land.

I suppose if we need to try and find something good about the cold weather that is to come, it would have to be for those of you who have a significant other. If you think about it, you might want to hug more to feel the body warmth of the other, when outside, you will walk closer together to break the cold bitter North wind.

But more important, you will be able to crawl into a nice warm bed and share the body heat to ward of the chill. So not all is bad about the coming season for those who are sharing your life...the rest of us can warm up by putting a heating pad between the sheets and pretend! Ha ha.

I also went out a bit last night, it was nice to get out and mingle with people again. No, I wasn't drinking...this time:) I also noticed I slept good through the night.
I believe the return to my walks, visiting my 92 year old friend, and going out allowed my mind a night off of worry. Even though I slept well I didn't wake until 8:30! That is rare for me but it is Sunday and a good day for it to happen.

Yesterday I had a lazy day and did very little, my plan was to start packing, that didn't happen as I lazed around far to long yesterday. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel the same way this morning! But as soon as the coffee kicks in, I will move this day forward, and for the first time in a very long time, I don't wish the weekend over so I can get back to work.

Have a great Sunday everyone,
Pixies:)

Eagle in Flight

Hello,

It has been a few days since my last post, tonight is the first time I feel I have something to share. I was driving towards Bridgewater tonight when I spotted a bald eagle flying up ahead. I was amazed at how long it's wing span was. As I drove and came closer to the eagle, I noted how graceful this mighty warrior seemed. I envied that creature at that moment, I tried to imagine what it was seeing as it glided across the sky. How it must have felt with the wind beneath it's wings, and the feeling of freedom not afforded to most spices on earth.

I can honestly say, I would have loved to trade places with that eagle for a while to see what freedom is really like. Imagine no bills to pay or to worry about, your biggest concern is finding a meal and a place to sleep. Travel as you will, and come and go on your own want. To look for company or remain in solitude. As I contemplated these thoughts, the eagle took a turn and was flying directly in front of me! I was so excited about the feeling I was experiencing, I hardly noticed I was driving.

I was in awe as this eagle remained there flying with me as I was on a straight away. Of course that was a coincident, but that doesn't matter. When he eventually turned away, I was both excited and disappointed that it was over so fast. But what a wonderful time I had in that short while. Finally something nice to write about, and share.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Troubled

Hello,

I seem to have revered to be restless tonight, after feeling content for a while. I think the full moon plays a large part on my emotions. I went for a walk to my sanctuary tonight, but this didn't seem to lift the heaviness I am feeling tonight.

I went for a walk around the mall and at least that helped pass some time. I am now feeling a little tired after working hard today and walking tonight. Now I am calmer and might actually sleep. I must say the moon looks so soulful tonight as I watch her climbing to her limits.

The moon and the sun fascinate me so much, they seem to release my imagination...and anyone who knows me also know that can be dangerous indeed! I did have a good visit with my 92 year old friend today, I even shared some of my poems with her. She seemed to really like them and ask a lot of questions about how I came about writing them. Now trying to explain the meaning of something so personal to anyone for me is difficult, but I did my best and she seemed to understand.

I received some news today that has also upset me a bit and I think that is a lot of why I am so out of sorts tonight. I won't go into details but I am sure most of you can guess what the origins are anyway. I will say I can get very upset and angry, but I hope to god I never become pure evil. To be able to live with that much hatred and spite is something even in my worst anger I never had.

I will never understand how these things happen, but the truth is it no longer matters in a way. But in some ways it just reminds me of all the wasted years, and maybe a time gone by when I might have been with someone who really cared. I consider this being robbed of the possibility of happiness and contentment, I might have had.

Anyway enough for the night, I am saying way to much tonight. I just have to remember I am moving on, and someday this will just be a nightmare, I will wake and be relieved that it is over.

Until it passes,
Pixie

Early Morning

Hello,
I had an early rise this morning, I woke around 3:30 am, and have been awake ever since.
I tend to wake up from 3 am on most mornings, but can usually get back to sleep. However that didn't happen this morning. As I lay in bed thinking about life and all the turmoil of the last few months, a question came to my mind. The same question I have been asking myself ever since the end of my marriage, the question being, "Will everything be ok"?

I was looking out my bedroom window when this question again came to mind. There is a blanket of stars covering the sky this morning, it looks beautiful. At the moment I ask myself that question again a shooting star sped across the sky. It seemed to last longer than usual, it was very impressive.

It took me back to what seemed like a long time ago, but was actually early this spring. I had another of these early wakes and got up for coffee. I remember an uneasiness settling in on me for a while before this, and as I was thinking about that, a brilliant shooting star went across my view! It was breath taking I must say, the one I saw this morning was bright, but paled in comparison to the first.

I have noticed the feeling of foreboding leaving me lately, not the feeling of being unsure, just that things are going as they should and moving on. I choose to think this star was the sign I have been waiting for. Maybe all my trouble started when the first star set its path in the night sky, and maybe this one this morning signified the fading of a long journey and a time for rest.

If nothing else it is a nice thought, that things may soon start going normally for me. Just to ease into a comfortable new lifestyle would be nice. I have no grand ideas or wants at this point in my life. Just some nice times to look forward too, while keeping myself grounded that it will not be easy.

But I am very determined to make it on my own, just to prove to myself I can and will do it. Then I know I will have found my personal contentment and only then will I be able to fully enjoy all life has to offer. Now I guess I had better start getting ready for work, it is going to be a long hard day...but I bet I will sleep good tonight.

Keeping the faith,
Pixie:)

Computer Challenge

Hello,

This is actually a paper I had to write for school, I had to write a story about something that really challenged me. I did get my laptop working, now I have to use an external monitor on it, but at least it is usable. Now on with my story.

The most challenging learning experience for me would be computers. They absolutely fascinate me, although there was a time when I did not feel that way. When I got my first computer, I didn’t know how to turn one on. With the help of friends and neighbours, I soon figured out how to work the basics of the computer. But something wasn’t right. Even though I was new at it, I was having troubles that I did not believe was my fault. After calling numerous times to the place where I bought my new computer and them finding nothing wrong, I started on a road I never dreamed I would be going down.

Two months after buying my computer I started researching them. I was reading any article on trouble shooting or problems that I could find. I was still having trouble with my computer and still getting the same answer. Finally I decided I had read and tried enough to know it was not just me. I decided to call a licensed computer technician to come to my house and look at mine. Low and behold, my new computer had big troubles. Feeling confident, I called the computer guy one last time. When he answered I explained (with a self satisfied smirk on my face) what I had done. Then I promptly put the technician on the phone. By the end of the conversion I had a full refund coming my way, and a new computer ordered from the computer technician.

Now this should have been the end of my story, but things just are not that simple for me. The first night I received my second new computer, it started freezing up. After almost a month of waiting, I found out that the video card was not compatible with the system. That being fixed, I still had a couple glitches. So I started reading and experimenting with drivers and compatible hardware. Now I will tell you in all honesty, I wiped (reloaded the operating system) on my computer so many times it should have had a rash! But I wasn’t about to pay twenty five dollars an hour for someone to come fix it for me. Months later, after crashing and fixing and crashing my computer some more, I figured out the biggest problems with my new computer was the motherboard itself. The motherboard is the main board that everything else plugs into.

My new technician really didn’t believe me, and why should he, after all I was now only a few months into my computer learning, but he didn’t know the research I had done. After having my computer at his shop for a month, he finally decided I was right and he did replace the motherboard with a look of disbelief on his face. I had more problems with that same computer system for a long time, which made me weary about buying separate parts from him. I decided it was time to learn how to buy my own parts and get my brother to put them together for me.

Although I like the challenge of finding computer problems or reloading the operating system, I do not care for putting them together. I am sure I could learn if I wanted to, but that is the point, I really don’t want to, and for me that is a must.

After many mistakes, lots of learning, more frustration than I have ever experienced, I can pretty much maintain my new home built computer. I am still learning and have begun to understand some of the bios features and their settings. I have found a new reliable supplier, who has been a great help in explaining the many aspects of the computer that I still do not understand. Now I try to share my learning with others in the hope that they do not end up having an experience like I had. It has been over two years now since my first new computer, and now I am finally happy with my system. I only had to go through two not so great places to give me the inspiration I needed, to start me on the biggest learning experience of my life.

Now how was that for a story?
We should all remember we can learn to do the things we need to do.
We may not like having to do some things, or learning to change something so completely.
But in the end as with all things...it is the price of what we pay that keeps us learning!

Hope you all had a good Sunday,
Pixie:)

Busy Day

Hello again,

It was a busy day for me again today, I had to pop into work this morning for a while.
And of course I went to visit my 92 year old friend, and she tired to play match maker today.
I was a wonderful conversation I must say.

Then Kelly and I went to lunch and had an enjoyable hour, then I went to a friend of mine to wash and wax the car. Of course you can't do that without having a good water fight...and we did! Did you know pixies like playing in water? Well we do, ha ha.

I am still in a good mood despite finding out a couple of upsetting things today, but there is nothing I can do about it right now. As I said I am moving on, and that includes dealing with these things that will continue for a while.

Then I came home and checked my laptop as the screen went out today on it. The monitor is gone and did something to the windows system, I repaired windows and got back up but I am having wireless issue with it. I like to keep my laptop by my bed nights, then when I wake up I can go online and look around a bit in hopes of getting sleepy again. But I will miss that for a while until I get a second monitor and get the glitches out of the Internet. At least it is something I can do for a while in the evenings. Maybe tomorrow night I will tell you the story of how I came to fix my own computers.

It is 11 pm now and I guess I will soon go to bed and sleep for a while. If I want to go on the computer tonight I will have to come downstairs. If it is warm that is ok, but if it is chilly I will likely stay where it is warm under the blankets, and watch the hands on the clock tic.

Have a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Moving On

Hello,

I finally feel like I am truly moving on, I have packed some things tonight for my move. I now know I will soon be around others and will be eager to enjoy some company. Just to be able to go out walking, yes I plan on doing that come what may.

This gives me a feeling of excitement for something new, now I didn't say I planned on living an exciting life. I know it is going to be hard by myself and lonely, but at least I will be within reach of friends. I can visit others and hopefully they will visit me.

I think people have decided by now if they are going to be my friend or not, if not...then they never were my friend to begin with. I am starting over, I am taking experience, hurt and hope with me. It is these hard to live with situations that really shape who we are.

I do not want to change in the way of believing in the good in peoples hearts, I see good souls out there and I hope to experience their wills and wants from life. Like everyone else in this world, money will be the biggest challenge for a while. But I am hoping in a few months that this will also improve. Until then I will do as everyone else is doing...that is the best that I can with what I have.

Finally looking forward,
Pixie

Good Evening

Hello everyone,

I seem to be having an enjoyable evening for a change. I worked late today and was tired when I got home, so I took a nap and slept for an hour! I guess I needed it, as long as it doesn't keep me awake tonight...but I know it will.

Before I went to work this morning I clean my place up, so when I woke tonight it was so nice to see it clean and tidy. No my place is not messy, but there is something about a freshly cleaned place that is calming.

Maybe I find it calming also because when I came into my computer I saw a couple of deer out grazing. Moments before this I was watching the moon make her journey into the night and pass my window. The moon seems to be about half full, or half empty, and this is what I was contemplating.

Of course then if you know me even a little, you know I started comparing this state of the moon to my life. Being half full I am content here tonight just drinking coffee and thinking, being half empty, I thought how nice it would be to have someone to talk too about these things.

I have met very few people who would be comfortable talking about this subject. I seemed to think different than most people. Kelly is the exception to the rule, and enjoys these conversations with me, thank god for her. But I am talking about a companion of the opposite sex.

My X always told me I was crazy to have thoughts like that, and when I was younger I was afraid to put my thoughts into words. Now I really don't care what those people think, because that just means we have nothing at all in common. I tend to want to think outside of the box, and want different conversations, rather than the regular stuff.

I guess they call this wishful thinking, but at least they are good healthy thoughts now, compared to all the turmoil I was experiencing. One day I do hope to find a man who is capable of not only having these kinds of conversations, but who actually understands them...now I didn't say how old I would be...or if I would live that long! But there is always a dream, and I want to keep dreaming good thoughts.

I decided to write a poem to try and describe this thought.

Fulfilled

Am I half empty, or am I half full,

Am I really content now, or is my mind playing me a fool.

To speak ones mind with someone to listen,

this would lead to real emotion, and life's true mission.

First be content with yourself and not another,

inner peace will then join us, and bring us together.

Once this magic equation is reached,

heaven and earth will be at our feet.

Spend your time and keep deep in thought,

if we find happiness, the misery will be lost.

But keep it straight and keep it true,

and contentment might just find, me and you.

.............................................................................................................

I hope you understand and find a little enjoyment in this thought process, and if I ever find this magic equation, or man I will let you know. But I won't be holding my breath on that one!

Keep life simple when possible,

Pixie:)

Deep Thoughts

Hello,

Things are going about the same for me, I am still doing OK. It is mostly quite now for the most part, and now the wait is on. By that I mean now I have to wait for the legal system, appointments and preparations are under way.

I am also soon done with my counseling for now, I still get upset by times but that is normal. My whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. It is time to pick up the pieces I have left and try to move on into this new life I am trying to live.

I guess the hardest thing for me now, is how could I let myself be used for so long, and turn it all off without even knowing I did it. Some questions will never be answered I know, but how much do we all shut out in an effort not to deal with it. So many have to decide will they stay and live the rest of their lives this way. Or will they do as I have done, jump into the unknown head first?

Am I scared of what lies ahead....yes I am very much scared. Lots of questions go through my mind at night, like will I make it by myself, will I get through the never ending bills that keep coming in, and is this what the rest of my life will be like? I have spent many nights on these questions and more, but I have no answers. I will have to wait and see, either I will step forward and survive on my own or fall flat on my face trying.

I believe a worst fate might have been turning off all emotion and living in a state of existence from day to day. I may be bored most of the time, but at least I am living the truth of my life, and not hiding in a loveless marriage. And if I decided sometime down the road I need a room mate, it would be just that, a room mate and not a responsibility. Passing my time does seem to be my problem right now, but I think once I move I will be better able to do that as my mind may finally rest at the fact that I will be around people again.

I have tried reading, and have had limited success keeping my train of thought. I have tried TV, but I might as well close my eyes and fall to sleep. I am no where ready to start painting ceramic's or sewing yet, so this only leave thought...and emails, and I do tend to bug some people too much I know:) But this is what keeps me going and hopefully they understand that and don't mind getting them from me.

Kelly has been a constant companion for me and I am very grateful for that. I will be much closer to her as well when I move and we can visit even more. Until then I will end up writing more on here and pacing the floor. I will have a deep path in this floor by the time I leave, and I am sure my foot steps will echo here for a long time after I am gone. But at least they are my foot steps and not someone else walking on my feet so they don't have to move their legs.

Until next time,
Pixie

The Pond

Good Morning,

This is a photo of a place I visited yesterday with my friends in Truro, it is a beautiful memory pond. It belongs to Kelly's aunt and uncle, they have a beautiful place in the country. On the stepping stones around the pond, names are etched of a loved ones who have passes on. Little stones follow the path as you walk, and have words on them such as, love, peace and faith.

It is a thought evoking and respectful place. I am standing there watching the Koi fish swimming around. It was raining on and off, but when you are in a place like this , you don't even notice. I think this is a beautiful sanctuary, and a wonderful memorial, and I wanted to share it with you.

Last night however, was not such a peaceful night. A large raccoon was climbing up the wash line all night, banging around after the bird food. I have also added a picture of this as a picture is worth a thousand words. The land lord where I live must have moved it yesterday, because this hasn't happened before. All hours of the night I was wakened by the noise, and once it sounded like a couple of them out there fighting. I see this morning it has been moved further along the line so hopefully tonight won't be a repeat.

Have a good day,
Pixie:)

Sinful Day

Hello,

It was a very sinful day today:)
My best friend Kelly, and her mother kidnapped me again.
We went to Truro, another place I have never been.

It was rainy and windy but it was nice to be away and not worry. We had a great lunch...but a sinful desert! There is a place up there called the Dairy Bar, where you can get old fashion banana splits.

You also get to choose what flavor of ice cream you want out of about fifteen different kinds!
Then I topped it off with hot fudge and chocolate...now you don't get more sinful than that...unless it is on a handsome mans chest!! Ha ha

We visited with Kelly's family for a couple of hours and then made our way back through the wind and rain. Then we went for a beer, I should say I had a beer and my friend had water as she had to drive.
Thanks for doing that my friend, I do appreciate all you have done for me!

Someday we will go to a day Spa all day and I will spoil you rotten!
The great part about these get aways, is I don't have to worry all day, I can relax and enjoy the day fully.
...Now I just have to start doing that at night!

Have a good night all,
Pixie:))

Calm

Hi,

The last couple of days have gone fairly well. I am still feeling the moving on I talked about a while back. It is nice to finally come to a point to know that someday this will all end. I am not fooling myself to think it is all over, rather some of the worst might be about to begin.

You see I know It (my X) has been hand delivered the divorce decree, although it is going to take a long while to go through the courts, it will someday happen. I am more confidant in my decisions now, and I am beginning to look forward to the future a bit.

I do wish all of you who are going through anything similar soon get a reprieve. Mine was sent from heaven and allowd me too realize it will someday end. But until you are in a calm you will not see or understand this.

But hang in there, you are not alone. If you feel you are alone, email me and I will try to help in any way that I can. My email address is at the top of the page under PixiesLane. Just put Blog in the subject and I will know it is not spam or junk mail.

Wishing you all a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Just for fun:)

Good morning,

This post is just for my best friend, Kelly. She created this picture for me the other night, and I think it is only fair that I show everyone her...artistic value's. Mind you, this image is defiantly part of a bed time story:) But I won't explain that remark, however; if Kelly has the the courage to explain she can do so in the comment section!...yup, I would do this, it would seem my fun and mischievous side has finally returned:)

Have a great day everyone,

Pixie

Euphoric

Hi,

This is more of a continence from yesterday when I was going for a walk. Today was very uneventful so far...

After writing my blog today I went outside to go to my sanctuary for a while. Once I went out my door I saw all the birds and my chipmunk friend out there. I stood there watching them lunch as the feeders were just filled.

I slowly walked over to the edge of the step and I thought they all might leave. Some of the birds did but only for a moment. Soon they were comfortable with my presents and almost seemed to be checking me out.

I talked very low and softly to them, I heard some chirping in my left ear and I turned to see one of them no more than a foot away from me sitting on the wash line, looking at me curiously. I said well hello there, he looked for a minute and then flew directly in front of me and landed on the feeder.

Now my guess is this was the boss, all the other little birds were watching from the tree right across from where I was standing. I took a couple of pictures as I talked to my new friend, he began to eat and when he did about 5 other birds came and jostled for a perch on the feeder.

They were a bit nervous at first but soon they were flying around me and beside me while they took turns on the feeder. My chipmunk friend was not put out by any of this as he continued to eat. Once I looked for where he was and he had moved directly in front of me. I was tickled pink:)

I love this feeling of sharing with nature, I could feel the warmth again and it almost tingled with excitement with me. I could feel it in my eyes as it rose to the top of my head, and almost radiated out of me in a calming wave. I stood there for the longest time enjoying this feeling. I finally went to my sanctuary and just stood there, closed my eyes and just breathed deeply. I would probably still be there if the mosquitoes wouldn’t have found me.

So I came back to the field and walk around listening to the grasshoppers and crickets playing their music. I took a picture of an old well, the ones that was used to lower a bucket from. I imagined Leprechaun, fairies and pixies playing around this structure of my fantasy. It was a wonder full walk and experience, I hope I am returning to this wondrous state which seems to be returning and improving.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Usual Day

Good morning,

It is a typical Sunday morning for me, of course I made some bacon and eggs, I try to do this every week, either a Saturday or Sunday morning. Yes it was good:) I then cleaned the washroom and scrubbed the floors. I talked on MSN last night with my friend until after midnight, I like doing that every now and then. We had some great conversation and laughs.

At one point we were talking about how we are soon going to have a Banana Split, and at the same time I had just sent her a picture of a very handsome looking man that someone sent me...
Now I won't go into details but lets just say... that is the first time I thought of a the two together...and Kelly I know that is why you didn't sleep last night!
Ha ha, it was good fun...but he was really cute...and I just wouldn't mention the conversation that followed about whipped cream!! No I wouldn't mention that at all:)))

Oh my time to change the subject, but not my minds thoughts on that one! OK, seriously.
I also watched a movie last night, it is called Lady in the Water, it is fantasy by M.Night Shyamalan. I really like fantasy movies, I found this one lacked a lot of things I like to see in one, but the story the movie tried to tell was a good point. Basically the water people and man use to be as one, but man found other interest in his possessions and wants, and man forgot the water people and their wisdom.

The water people continued to try and fail to reach the humans through out time, and always failed as other forces didn't want this reunion to happen again. As I said I didn't much care for the characters portrayal of the story but I did manage to take this part away with me. Every legend has roots somewhere, every story has some kind of beginning. As strange as some of these stories sound, sometimes, maybe just sometimes one is true. But man no longer believe that which he doesn't remember or can see.

The fantasy we are all taught, does not exist in this world, surly it may have.
I for one want to believe there is some place where our reality is a fantasy, and a bad one at that. Somehow we ended up on the wrong side of life and must find our own way back. Many don't bother thinking about this, or just don't want too. Imagine in the end what it would be like to know there was something so good in this world and all we had to do was look for it.

Maybe someday we will advance enough to see where this place is, yes I do believe it is here. We are no where ready to see or accept a place like this, for in this place all hatred, fear and want does not exist. And those who would still carry these things will never enter this sanctuary. I may never find it, but I will try and leave the anger, and hatred behind...ignoring the want will be the biggest challenge of all...for everyone. OK, enough said I know:)

Back to this morning, I looked out my window at one point and there were a large flock of black birds on the lawn. They were busy picking the bugs out of the grass...what good birds:) But it brought a slight sadness to my heart as I know this is a definite sign of the changing season as it approaches.

Fall is a beautiful time of the year and I will miss so much this year because I am not able to go as I please. I would love to go in search of more hidden sanctuary's, explore the wonders of nature that very few look for anymore. When the leaves change into their fall wardrobe, I want to go out and see and add this too my senses. When they finally fall to their final resting place, I want to run through them and send a cascade of color into the air once more, and then fall into the pile in an exhausted state of contentment.

I took this for granted for so many years, now realizing how these thing can and do affect our thoughts and understanding of all that surrounds us. I know next season I will make sure I can do this. If I have too, I will simple go to another place, maybe a vacation spot. This year that just won't be possible for me.

So my friends, go out and explore before everything is covered in the pure white cold snow. Watch the leaves turn and wait in anticipation for their piling, even if you have to rake them. Enjoy today, for tomorrow may be a bad day, then you would have missed this good one.

Enjoy,
Pixie.

A Calm

Hello,

I am in a calm again, I have once again let the anger go.

One major factor in my ability to try and go back to a calm is the people around me. My best friend is an inspiration to me in this regard, I have posted this photo of us together on my graduation night. It has come to serve as a symbol to me that we can all move forward if we can dig in our heels and vent the words when we need.

Many times I was tempted to walk away from finishing my quest for an education, but once again, encouragement from friends got me through these very rough waters. Now that I am in an even bigger storm, I am being swamped, but once again I am reaching for the strength that is around me.

I am also realizing putting my anger in the form of words is allowing me to vent without getting myself into trouble...because last night I seriously considered starting trouble in a very big way.

I am bored tonight so I will fill my time in a bit writing on here, so make yourselves comfortable.

My friend came to my place this morning around 11, after my late night last night I didn't get up before 8:30 this morning...shame on me:) But I was ready by the time Kelly got here.

I showed her my sanctuary today, she took lots of pictures. We spent about a half an hour exploring this place and I have to tell you, the anger I was feeling began to leave me. I know that sounds strange but there is something about this place, I feel it somehow penetrate the best part of me. I mentioned this to my friend but I could tell she didn't feel it. But I do know she enjoyed this place, it does have a calming effect about it.

Kelly I know you will read this blog, and I never mentioned this until now because I wanted you to think about it first before you answer me...yup I am a stinker still:) But do you remember the feeling that came over us today? We really and truly enjoyed ourselves, and for once we didn't feel rushed, and I didn't feel the need to watch my back. While at lunch I almost felt euphoric in my feelings of contentment, and I did feel very happy.

I think that one picture you took when I was putting my arms up, best shows the look and the feeling I was experiencing. Have a look and tell me now what your thoughts are of how this day went compared to all the others we have had together, don't get me wrong they are all great, but something was different about this day, and we only did one thing different.

My friend is also getting a tattoo, we went to talk to the person this morning who will be doing it for her. I hope my friend don't mind me explaining a little about the tattoo she is getting? If so let me know and I will edit this part.

Kelly knew she wanted a fairy, or I suggested a pixie, not because that is my Internet name, rather because it is my opinion of the differences in the two. To me an angel is innocent and pure...no I am not saying you are not pure:) But a pixie has a sense of humor...mischievousness if you will.

Oh yes you are mischievous, and yes I am too. To me a pixie is as angelic, but has a sense of humor not afforded to the angel. Although I see them as mischievous, they are also good and are protectors. Once they befriend someone, they remain that way for life. OK, that is enough of what I think on that subject, although I could go on as I find fantasy a place where I could live and love it there, but back to reality.

Kelly did agree to a pixie after seeing one that he showed her. Kelly wants the pixie kneeling in a Lotus flower, and she wants tears coming down the check of the pixie. I suggested to Kelly that I know why she wants this symbol, and I suggested a broken heart lying on the pixies hand. Now this is what she will have put on her leg in about two weeks time. I am so proud that she is going for something she wants and don't mind the thought of the pain she will suffer to get it...as I told you Kelly...you go girl, I will be there while you have it done. Just don't pretend to be in too much pain or I might faint! :)

We then left this place feeling that this was the right place, right time, and all was good. Then as I said at lunch this feeling continued, and I will tell you I still had feeling of getting some revenge this morning.

I am not proud of that fact, but I also know I need to vent this anger or it will fester and spread. I also know there is enough of that in this world, and I don't need to add to it, rather I want to find a way to help ease the hatred. I got up this morning and read my blog again, I felt the same bitterness swell inside of me.

What not many know is years ago, I use to loose my temper all the time. Any little thing would set me off, and after the anger subsided I knew this was bad. It almost seemed like the madder I got, the less control I had over any part of my life. I spent a lot of time alone at this time in my life, and that is when it happened the most. After a long extended period of this uncontrolled anger, I decided I had to stop this evil that seemed to be growing within me. I call it evil because that is what I have come to call anger, this is how I now understand it.

I of all people know how it can and will grow, it does fester and spread, and it will wipe out everything in its path because it has no understanding or want of understanding. It knows only anger, and hatred, it thrives on fear and the strength one gains when in this state. Make no mistake, it is a state of mind, not easily controlled, and requires a life time of discipline too refrain from former habits.

When I returned to my statuary this morning, I was reminded of that through this feeling I was trying to explain. Once I left this place with that understanding returning to me about the hazards of anger, I became almost myself again. I watched my friend become the same way as well. Before all the madness started, we could laugh and talk openly and freely. My friend, I must tell you , I truly enjoyed that feeling today and the experience that came with it, I only hope you in some small way felt that, and experienced it.

When I got home I decide to go visit my 92 year old friend, we had a pleasant visit as I still felt good. Something did happen before I got there though. I decided to get each of us an Icecap from Tim Horton's before I went. So I went to pull into the drive through, and who was sitting there waiting to pull out but my X! I immediately felt the anger return to the pit of my stomach.

He sat there looking directly at me with a big grin on his face and waved like he just saw his best friend...I dam near lost it. But I didn't look his way at all and drove on. I took a deep breath and I remembered my day with my friend and that wonderful feeling I had all day. Within a very short time I felt the calm come back. While I waited I watched this ass, drive back and forth, and I was amazed at how little I cared anymore for this thing...yes he will remain a thing to me.

I thought about the fact that the man I loved was dead, and this was just a weird stranger in my way. By now I was completely calm again, and the anger gone. I had a wonderful visit as I said with my friend. A couple of people came to tell me he was driving back and forth tooting the horn as he went by. I sat back in my chair, and I thought about that, and how silly he must look in the car he has now.

Yes he bought a different car, this one is red, with what looks like black waves going back over it with a black engine bonnet. It also has a scoop on the trunk.

It also has the big loud muffler on it, I imagined a young person driving that car and thought how appropriate that would be. Then I though about a 58 year old driving it, and trying to squeal his tires to show off...well I dam near lost it right then and there laughing! I finally got it!

He doesn't need me to do anything to him...he is doing a great job of looking foolish by himself! Now how is that for logic? Finally something to get me through these dam rough patches...and so dam funny!

So as you can see, my emotions go from one plain right to another in the span of a very short time. I do know I need to vent my anger, but I will do it here with the written word until the calm returns. I wish I would have stopped for a bottle today, because I tell you I think I would have some tonight to celebrate this Revelation!

It has taken me an hour to put this into writing, so be patient as you try to read and understand it. The point I am trying to make is, people keep telling me I soon have to break, or the anger must take over, or I have to do something to get back at him. Wouldn't that make me just like him? I truly can't stand him; and do I want people or myself to see me like that?

My answer is no.

Anger and revenge is not the answer, it will only add fuel to a fire that is already out of control.

I am hoping my approach is as water on the fire.

Consider what your anger really is,

Pixie;)

Another Day

Hello,

Well I am finally home and feeling a little calmer, now I did say a little.
I really need to find a way to take out my frustration, I know how damaging this anger can be.
I have always tried to find a way of dealing with things , but the hate I am feeling towards my X, is growing daily.
Some might say if you hate him that means you still have feelings for him...let me tell you how wrong that is.

As I said, the man I love is dead, that is final and he will never be back.
I have buried the best part of him in my memories, and that thing that is left behind is just that...a cold thing. This thing would make the best of us sick, and I regret closing my eyes for so long and losing so many years to it.

I keep hearing how one day it will be better, boy I hope they are right...but how do you forget all the evil of one person to make so many un-happy. I know through history these kinds of people have existed, and for some strange reason they almost seem immune to all laws, until they finally take it too far and someone important is affected in some way.

Only then will someone stand up and face what has become the normal in the un-fairness of life...but how important does one have to be to count in this society and make a final difference...well usually someone has to pay with their life...

Pixie

No Better

Tonight things are no better with my attitude, my headache is a little better but my mind is even more convinced I need to take action! Tonight the BBQ I bought was loaded in back of a truck and headed down the highway. By the way this is conveniently his son's truck, I am now waiting for the police to call me yet again and tell me there is nothing they can do but put it in a file. I have also added a picture of the building that was removed yesterday, you know this is calling for war and I am dam near ready to give it...and when I explode I may not survive...because I will get at least one good smack in...and that would be worth it! As long as he swings first, I don't care if it is my last!

I am headed to a friends tonight, we are going to restore his computer and have some drinks...I think that is just what I need to get me started...I think the soap opera is about to get suspenseful!

One pissed Pixie!