Sunday, September 30, 2007

Walk

Hello,

Yesterday I finally went for a walk, I haven't been for a pleasure walk since July. Now I will admit I was nervous, but none the less it was nice. It was a bit breezy, but even that felt good as I had the sun on my face.

I walked about 30 minutes total as I am not use to walking and know the hazards of over doing it the first few times. I want to try and experience some of the wonders of fall as they happen this season, before the cold hand of winter sweeps the land.

I suppose if we need to try and find something good about the cold weather that is to come, it would have to be for those of you who have a significant other. If you think about it, you might want to hug more to feel the body warmth of the other, when outside, you will walk closer together to break the cold bitter North wind.

But more important, you will be able to crawl into a nice warm bed and share the body heat to ward of the chill. So not all is bad about the coming season for those who are sharing your life...the rest of us can warm up by putting a heating pad between the sheets and pretend! Ha ha.

I also went out a bit last night, it was nice to get out and mingle with people again. No, I wasn't drinking...this time:) I also noticed I slept good through the night.
I believe the return to my walks, visiting my 92 year old friend, and going out allowed my mind a night off of worry. Even though I slept well I didn't wake until 8:30! That is rare for me but it is Sunday and a good day for it to happen.

Yesterday I had a lazy day and did very little, my plan was to start packing, that didn't happen as I lazed around far to long yesterday. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel the same way this morning! But as soon as the coffee kicks in, I will move this day forward, and for the first time in a very long time, I don't wish the weekend over so I can get back to work.

Have a great Sunday everyone,
Pixies:)

Friday, September 28, 2007

Eagle in Flight

Hello,

It has been a few days since my last post, tonight is the first time I feel I have something to share. I was driving towards Bridgewater tonight when I spotted a bald eagle flying up ahead. I was amazed at how long it's wing span was. As I drove and came closer to the eagle, I noted how graceful this mighty warrior seemed. I envied that creature at that moment, I tried to imagine what it was seeing as it glided across the sky. How it must have felt with the wind beneath it's wings, and the feeling of freedom not afforded to most spices on earth.

I can honestly say, I would have loved to trade places with that eagle for a while to see what freedom is really like. Imagine no bills to pay or to worry about, your biggest concern is finding a meal and a place to sleep. Travel as you will, and come and go on your own want. To look for company or remain in solitude. As I contemplated these thoughts, the eagle took a turn and was flying directly in front of me! I was so excited about the feeling I was experiencing, I hardly noticed I was driving.

I was in awe as this eagle remained there flying with me as I was on a straight away. Of course that was a coincident, but that doesn't matter. When he eventually turned away, I was both excited and disappointed that it was over so fast. But what a wonderful time I had in that short while. Finally something nice to write about, and share.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Troubled

Hello,

I seem to have revered to be restless tonight, after feeling content for a while. I think the full moon plays a large part on my emotions. I went for a walk to my sanctuary tonight, but this didn't seem to lift the heaviness I am feeling tonight.

I went for a walk around the mall and at least that helped pass some time. I am now feeling a little tired after working hard today and walking tonight. Now I am calmer and might actually sleep. I must say the moon looks so soulful tonight as I watch her climbing to her limits.

The moon and the sun fascinate me so much, they seem to release my imagination...and anyone who knows me also know that can be dangerous indeed! I did have a good visit with my 92 year old friend today, I even shared some of my poems with her. She seemed to really like them and ask a lot of questions about how I came about writing them. Now trying to explain the meaning of something so personal to anyone for me is difficult, but I did my best and she seemed to understand.

I received some news today that has also upset me a bit and I think that is a lot of why I am so out of sorts tonight. I won't go into details but I am sure most of you can guess what the origins are anyway. I will say I can get very upset and angry, but I hope to god I never become pure evil. To be able to live with that much hatred and spite is something even in my worst anger I never had.

I will never understand how these things happen, but the truth is it no longer matters in a way. But in some ways it just reminds me of all the wasted years, and maybe a time gone by when I might have been with someone who really cared. I consider this being robbed of the possibility of happiness and contentment, I might have had.

Anyway enough for the night, I am saying way to much tonight. I just have to remember I am moving on, and someday this will just be a nightmare, I will wake and be relieved that it is over.

Until it passes,
Pixie

Monday, September 24, 2007

Early Morning

Hello,
I had an early rise this morning, I woke around 3:30 am, and have been awake ever since.
I tend to wake up from 3 am on most mornings, but can usually get back to sleep. However that didn't happen this morning. As I lay in bed thinking about life and all the turmoil of the last few months, a question came to my mind. The same question I have been asking myself ever since the end of my marriage, the question being, "Will everything be ok"?

I was looking out my bedroom window when this question again came to mind. There is a blanket of stars covering the sky this morning, it looks beautiful. At the moment I ask myself that question again a shooting star sped across the sky. It seemed to last longer than usual, it was very impressive.

It took me back to what seemed like a long time ago, but was actually early this spring. I had another of these early wakes and got up for coffee. I remember an uneasiness settling in on me for a while before this, and as I was thinking about that, a brilliant shooting star went across my view! It was breath taking I must say, the one I saw this morning was bright, but paled in comparison to the first.

I have noticed the feeling of foreboding leaving me lately, not the feeling of being unsure, just that things are going as they should and moving on. I choose to think this star was the sign I have been waiting for. Maybe all my trouble started when the first star set its path in the night sky, and maybe this one this morning signified the fading of a long journey and a time for rest.

If nothing else it is a nice thought, that things may soon start going normally for me. Just to ease into a comfortable new lifestyle would be nice. I have no grand ideas or wants at this point in my life. Just some nice times to look forward too, while keeping myself grounded that it will not be easy.

But I am very determined to make it on my own, just to prove to myself I can and will do it. Then I know I will have found my personal contentment and only then will I be able to fully enjoy all life has to offer. Now I guess I had better start getting ready for work, it is going to be a long hard day...but I bet I will sleep good tonight.

Keeping the faith,
Pixie:)

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Computer Challenge

Hello,

This is actually a paper I had to write for school, I had to write a story about something that really challenged me. I did get my laptop working, now I have to use an external monitor on it, but at least it is usable. Now on with my story.

The most challenging learning experience for me would be computers. They absolutely fascinate me, although there was a time when I did not feel that way. When I got my first computer, I didn’t know how to turn one on. With the help of friends and neighbours, I soon figured out how to work the basics of the computer. But something wasn’t right. Even though I was new at it, I was having troubles that I did not believe was my fault. After calling numerous times to the place where I bought my new computer and them finding nothing wrong, I started on a road I never dreamed I would be going down.

Two months after buying my computer I started researching them. I was reading any article on trouble shooting or problems that I could find. I was still having trouble with my computer and still getting the same answer. Finally I decided I had read and tried enough to know it was not just me. I decided to call a licensed computer technician to come to my house and look at mine. Low and behold, my new computer had big troubles. Feeling confident, I called the computer guy one last time. When he answered I explained (with a self satisfied smirk on my face) what I had done. Then I promptly put the technician on the phone. By the end of the conversion I had a full refund coming my way, and a new computer ordered from the computer technician.

Now this should have been the end of my story, but things just are not that simple for me. The first night I received my second new computer, it started freezing up. After almost a month of waiting, I found out that the video card was not compatible with the system. That being fixed, I still had a couple glitches. So I started reading and experimenting with drivers and compatible hardware. Now I will tell you in all honesty, I wiped (reloaded the operating system) on my computer so many times it should have had a rash! But I wasn’t about to pay twenty five dollars an hour for someone to come fix it for me. Months later, after crashing and fixing and crashing my computer some more, I figured out the biggest problems with my new computer was the motherboard itself. The motherboard is the main board that everything else plugs into.

My new technician really didn’t believe me, and why should he, after all I was now only a few months into my computer learning, but he didn’t know the research I had done. After having my computer at his shop for a month, he finally decided I was right and he did replace the motherboard with a look of disbelief on his face. I had more problems with that same computer system for a long time, which made me weary about buying separate parts from him. I decided it was time to learn how to buy my own parts and get my brother to put them together for me.

Although I like the challenge of finding computer problems or reloading the operating system, I do not care for putting them together. I am sure I could learn if I wanted to, but that is the point, I really don’t want to, and for me that is a must.

After many mistakes, lots of learning, more frustration than I have ever experienced, I can pretty much maintain my new home built computer. I am still learning and have begun to understand some of the bios features and their settings. I have found a new reliable supplier, who has been a great help in explaining the many aspects of the computer that I still do not understand. Now I try to share my learning with others in the hope that they do not end up having an experience like I had. It has been over two years now since my first new computer, and now I am finally happy with my system. I only had to go through two not so great places to give me the inspiration I needed, to start me on the biggest learning experience of my life.

Now how was that for a story?
We should all remember we can learn to do the things we need to do.
We may not like having to do some things, or learning to change something so completely.
But in the end as with all things...it is the price of what we pay that keeps us learning!

Hope you all had a good Sunday,
Pixie:)

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Busy Day

Hello again,

It was a busy day for me again today, I had to pop into work this morning for a while.
And of course I went to visit my 92 year old friend, and she tired to play match maker today.
I was a wonderful conversation I must say.

Then Kelly and I went to lunch and had an enjoyable hour, then I went to a friend of mine to wash and wax the car. Of course you can't do that without having a good water fight...and we did! Did you know pixies like playing in water? Well we do, ha ha.

I am still in a good mood despite finding out a couple of upsetting things today, but there is nothing I can do about it right now. As I said I am moving on, and that includes dealing with these things that will continue for a while.

Then I came home and checked my laptop as the screen went out today on it. The monitor is gone and did something to the windows system, I repaired windows and got back up but I am having wireless issue with it. I like to keep my laptop by my bed nights, then when I wake up I can go online and look around a bit in hopes of getting sleepy again. But I will miss that for a while until I get a second monitor and get the glitches out of the Internet. At least it is something I can do for a while in the evenings. Maybe tomorrow night I will tell you the story of how I came to fix my own computers.

It is 11 pm now and I guess I will soon go to bed and sleep for a while. If I want to go on the computer tonight I will have to come downstairs. If it is warm that is ok, but if it is chilly I will likely stay where it is warm under the blankets, and watch the hands on the clock tic.

Have a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Friday, September 21, 2007

Moving On

Hello,

I finally feel like I am truly moving on, I have packed some things tonight for my move. I now know I will soon be around others and will be eager to enjoy some company. Just to be able to go out walking, yes I plan on doing that come what may.

This gives me a feeling of excitement for something new, now I didn't say I planned on living an exciting life. I know it is going to be hard by myself and lonely, but at least I will be within reach of friends. I can visit others and hopefully they will visit me.

I think people have decided by now if they are going to be my friend or not, if not...then they never were my friend to begin with. I am starting over, I am taking experience, hurt and hope with me. It is these hard to live with situations that really shape who we are.

I do not want to change in the way of believing in the good in peoples hearts, I see good souls out there and I hope to experience their wills and wants from life. Like everyone else in this world, money will be the biggest challenge for a while. But I am hoping in a few months that this will also improve. Until then I will do as everyone else is doing...that is the best that I can with what I have.

Finally looking forward,
Pixie

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Good Evening

Hello everyone,

I seem to be having an enjoyable evening for a change. I worked late today and was tired when I got home, so I took a nap and slept for an hour! I guess I needed it, as long as it doesn't keep me awake tonight...but I know it will.

Before I went to work this morning I clean my place up, so when I woke tonight it was so nice to see it clean and tidy. No my place is not messy, but there is something about a freshly cleaned place that is calming.

Maybe I find it calming also because when I came into my computer I saw a couple of deer out grazing. Moments before this I was watching the moon make her journey into the night and pass my window. The moon seems to be about half full, or half empty, and this is what I was contemplating.

Of course then if you know me even a little, you know I started comparing this state of the moon to my life. Being half full I am content here tonight just drinking coffee and thinking, being half empty, I thought how nice it would be to have someone to talk too about these things.

I have met very few people who would be comfortable talking about this subject. I seemed to think different than most people. Kelly is the exception to the rule, and enjoys these conversations with me, thank god for her. But I am talking about a companion of the opposite sex.

My X always told me I was crazy to have thoughts like that, and when I was younger I was afraid to put my thoughts into words. Now I really don't care what those people think, because that just means we have nothing at all in common. I tend to want to think outside of the box, and want different conversations, rather than the regular stuff.

I guess they call this wishful thinking, but at least they are good healthy thoughts now, compared to all the turmoil I was experiencing. One day I do hope to find a man who is capable of not only having these kinds of conversations, but who actually understands them...now I didn't say how old I would be...or if I would live that long! But there is always a dream, and I want to keep dreaming good thoughts.

I decided to write a poem to try and describe this thought.

Fulfilled
Am I half empty, or am I half full,
Am I really content now, or is my mind playing me a fool.
To speak ones mind with someone to listen,
this would lead to real emotion, and life's true mission.
First be content with yourself and not another,
inner peace will then join us, and bring us together.
Once this magic equation is reached,
heaven and earth will be at our feet.
Spend your time and keep deep in thought,
if we find happiness, the misery will be lost.
But keep it straight and keep it true,
and contentment might just find, me and you.
.............................................................................................................
I hope you understand and find a little enjoyment in this thought process, and if I ever find this magic equation, or man I will let you know. But I won't be holding my breath on that one!
Keep life simple when possible,
Pixie:)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Deep Thoughts

Hello,

Things are going about the same for me, I am still doing OK. It is mostly quite now for the most part, and now the wait is on. By that I mean now I have to wait for the legal system, appointments and preparations are under way.

I am also soon done with my counseling for now, I still get upset by times but that is normal. My whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. It is time to pick up the pieces I have left and try to move on into this new life I am trying to live.

I guess the hardest thing for me now, is how could I let myself be used for so long, and turn it all off without even knowing I did it. Some questions will never be answered I know, but how much do we all shut out in an effort not to deal with it. So many have to decide will they stay and live the rest of their lives this way. Or will they do as I have done, jump into the unknown head first?

Am I scared of what lies ahead....yes I am very much scared. Lots of questions go through my mind at night, like will I make it by myself, will I get through the never ending bills that keep coming in, and is this what the rest of my life will be like? I have spent many nights on these questions and more, but I have no answers. I will have to wait and see, either I will step forward and survive on my own or fall flat on my face trying.

I believe a worst fate might have been turning off all emotion and living in a state of existence from day to day. I may be bored most of the time, but at least I am living the truth of my life, and not hiding in a loveless marriage. And if I decided sometime down the road I need a room mate, it would be just that, a room mate and not a responsibility. Passing my time does seem to be my problem right now, but I think once I move I will be better able to do that as my mind may finally rest at the fact that I will be around people again.

I have tried reading, and have had limited success keeping my train of thought. I have tried TV, but I might as well close my eyes and fall to sleep. I am no where ready to start painting ceramic's or sewing yet, so this only leave thought...and emails, and I do tend to bug some people too much I know:) But this is what keeps me going and hopefully they understand that and don't mind getting them from me.

Kelly has been a constant companion for me and I am very grateful for that. I will be much closer to her as well when I move and we can visit even more. Until then I will end up writing more on here and pacing the floor. I will have a deep path in this floor by the time I leave, and I am sure my foot steps will echo here for a long time after I am gone. But at least they are my foot steps and not someone else walking on my feet so they don't have to move their legs.

Until next time,
Pixie

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Pond




Good Morning,

This is a photo of a place I visited yesterday with my friends in Truro, it is a beautiful memory pond. It belongs to Kelly's aunt and uncle, they have a beautiful place in the country. On the stepping stones around the pond, names are etched of a loved ones who have passes on. Little stones follow the path as you walk, and have words on them such as, love, peace and faith.

It is a thought evoking and respectful place. I am standing there watching the Koi fish swimming around. It was raining on and off, but when you are in a place like this , you don't even notice. I think this is a beautiful sanctuary, and a wonderful memorial, and I wanted to share it with you.

Last night however, was not such a peaceful night. A large raccoon was climbing up the wash line all night, banging around after the bird food. I have also added a picture of this as a picture is worth a thousand words. The land lord where I live must have moved it yesterday, because this hasn't happened before. All hours of the night I was wakened by the noise, and once it sounded like a couple of them out there fighting. I see this morning it has been moved further along the line so hopefully tonight won't be a repeat.

Have a good day,
Pixie:)






Saturday, September 15, 2007

Sinful Day

Hello,

It was a very sinful day today:)
My best friend Kelly, and her mother kidnapped me again.
We went to Truro, another place I have never been.

It was rainy and windy but it was nice to be away and not worry. We had a great lunch...but a sinful desert! There is a place up there called the Dairy Bar, where you can get old fashion banana splits.

You also get to choose what flavor of ice cream you want out of about fifteen different kinds!
Then I topped it off with hot fudge and chocolate...now you don't get more sinful than that...unless it is on a handsome mans chest!! Ha ha

We visited with Kelly's family for a couple of hours and then made our way back through the wind and rain. Then we went for a beer, I should say I had a beer and my friend had water as she had to drive.
Thanks for doing that my friend, I do appreciate all you have done for me!

Someday we will go to a day Spa all day and I will spoil you rotten!
The great part about these get aways, is I don't have to worry all day, I can relax and enjoy the day fully.
...Now I just have to start doing that at night!

Have a good night all,
Pixie:))

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Calm

Hi,

The last couple of days have gone fairly well. I am still feeling the moving on I talked about a while back. It is nice to finally come to a point to know that someday this will all end. I am not fooling myself to think it is all over, rather some of the worst might be about to begin.

You see I know It (my X) has been hand delivered the divorce decree, although it is going to take a long while to go through the courts, it will someday happen. I am more confidant in my decisions now, and I am beginning to look forward to the future a bit.

I do wish all of you who are going through anything similar soon get a reprieve. Mine was sent from heaven and allowd me too realize it will someday end. But until you are in a calm you will not see or understand this.

But hang in there, you are not alone. If you feel you are alone, email me and I will try to help in any way that I can. My email address is at the top of the page under PixiesLane. Just put Blog in the subject and I will know it is not spam or junk mail.

Wishing you all a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Just for fun:)


Good morning,


This post is just for my best friend, Kelly. She created this picture for me the other night, and I think it is only fair that I show everyone her...artistic value's. Mind you, this image is defiantly part of a bed time story:) But I won't explain that remark, however; if Kelly has the the courage to explain she can do so in the comment section!...yup, I would do this, it would seem my fun and mischievous side has finally returned:)


Have a great day everyone,

Pixie

Monday, September 10, 2007

Euphoric


Hi,

This is more of a continence from yesterday when I was going for a walk. Today was very uneventful so far...

After writing my blog today I went outside to go to my sanctuary for a while. Once I went out my door I saw all the birds and my chipmunk friend out there. I stood there watching them lunch as the feeders were just filled.

I slowly walked over to the edge of the step and I thought they all might leave. Some of the birds did but only for a moment. Soon they were comfortable with my presents and almost seemed to be checking me out.

I talked very low and softly to them, I heard some chirping in my left ear and I turned to see one of them no more than a foot away from me sitting on the wash line, looking at me curiously. I said well hello there, he looked for a minute and then flew directly in front of me and landed on the feeder.

Now my guess is this was the boss, all the other little birds were watching from the tree right across from where I was standing. I took a couple of pictures as I talked to my new friend, he began to eat and when he did about 5 other birds came and jostled for a perch on the feeder.

They were a bit nervous at first but soon they were flying around me and beside me while they took turns on the feeder. My chipmunk friend was not put out by any of this as he continued to eat. Once I looked for where he was and he had moved directly in front of me. I was tickled pink:)

I love this feeling of sharing with nature, I could feel the warmth again and it almost tingled with excitement with me. I could feel it in my eyes as it rose to the top of my head, and almost radiated out of me in a calming wave. I stood there for the longest time enjoying this feeling. I finally went to my sanctuary and just stood there, closed my eyes and just breathed deeply. I would probably still be there if the mosquitoes wouldn’t have found me.

So I came back to the field and walk around listening to the grasshoppers and crickets playing their music. I took a picture of an old well, the ones that was used to lower a bucket from. I imagined Leprechaun, fairies and pixies playing around this structure of my fantasy. It was a wonder full walk and experience, I hope I am returning to this wondrous state which seems to be returning and improving.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Usual Day

Good morning,

It is a typical Sunday morning for me, of course I made some bacon and eggs, I try to do this every week, either a Saturday or Sunday morning. Yes it was good:) I then cleaned the washroom and scrubbed the floors. I talked on MSN last night with my friend until after midnight, I like doing that every now and then. We had some great conversation and laughs.

At one point we were talking about how we are soon going to have a Banana Split, and at the same time I had just sent her a picture of a very handsome looking man that someone sent me...
Now I won't go into details but lets just say... that is the first time I thought of a the two together...and Kelly I know that is why you didn't sleep last night!
Ha ha, it was good fun...but he was really cute...and I just wouldn't mention the conversation that followed about whipped cream!! No I wouldn't mention that at all:)))

Oh my time to change the subject, but not my minds thoughts on that one! OK, seriously.
I also watched a movie last night, it is called Lady in the Water, it is fantasy by M.Night Shyamalan. I really like fantasy movies, I found this one lacked a lot of things I like to see in one, but the story the movie tried to tell was a good point. Basically the water people and man use to be as one, but man found other interest in his possessions and wants, and man forgot the water people and their wisdom.

The water people continued to try and fail to reach the humans through out time, and always failed as other forces didn't want this reunion to happen again. As I said I didn't much care for the characters portrayal of the story but I did manage to take this part away with me. Every legend has roots somewhere, every story has some kind of beginning. As strange as some of these stories sound, sometimes, maybe just sometimes one is true. But man no longer believe that which he doesn't remember or can see.

The fantasy we are all taught, does not exist in this world, surly it may have.
I for one want to believe there is some place where our reality is a fantasy, and a bad one at that. Somehow we ended up on the wrong side of life and must find our own way back. Many don't bother thinking about this, or just don't want too. Imagine in the end what it would be like to know there was something so good in this world and all we had to do was look for it.

Maybe someday we will advance enough to see where this place is, yes I do believe it is here. We are no where ready to see or accept a place like this, for in this place all hatred, fear and want does not exist. And those who would still carry these things will never enter this sanctuary. I may never find it, but I will try and leave the anger, and hatred behind...ignoring the want will be the biggest challenge of all...for everyone. OK, enough said I know:)

Back to this morning, I looked out my window at one point and there were a large flock of black birds on the lawn. They were busy picking the bugs out of the grass...what good birds:) But it brought a slight sadness to my heart as I know this is a definite sign of the changing season as it approaches.

Fall is a beautiful time of the year and I will miss so much this year because I am not able to go as I please. I would love to go in search of more hidden sanctuary's, explore the wonders of nature that very few look for anymore. When the leaves change into their fall wardrobe, I want to go out and see and add this too my senses. When they finally fall to their final resting place, I want to run through them and send a cascade of color into the air once more, and then fall into the pile in an exhausted state of contentment.

I took this for granted for so many years, now realizing how these thing can and do affect our thoughts and understanding of all that surrounds us. I know next season I will make sure I can do this. If I have too, I will simple go to another place, maybe a vacation spot. This year that just won't be possible for me.

So my friends, go out and explore before everything is covered in the pure white cold snow. Watch the leaves turn and wait in anticipation for their piling, even if you have to rake them. Enjoy today, for tomorrow may be a bad day, then you would have missed this good one.

Enjoy,
Pixie.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

A Calm


Hello,
I am in a calm again, I have once again let the anger go.
One major factor in my ability to try and go back to a calm is the people around me. My best friend is an inspiration to me in this regard, I have posted this photo of us together on my graduation night. It has come to serve as a symbol to me that we can all move forward if we can dig in our heels and vent the words when we need.
Many times I was tempted to walk away from finishing my quest for an education, but once again, encouragement from friends got me through these very rough waters. Now that I am in an even bigger storm, I am being swamped, but once again I am reaching for the strength that is around me.
I am also realizing putting my anger in the form of words is allowing me to vent without getting myself into trouble...because last night I seriously considered starting trouble in a very big way.
I am bored tonight so I will fill my time in a bit writing on here, so make yourselves comfortable.
My friend came to my place this morning around 11, after my late night last night I didn't get up before 8:30 this morning...shame on me:) But I was ready by the time Kelly got here.
I showed her my sanctuary today, she took lots of pictures. We spent about a half an hour exploring this place and I have to tell you, the anger I was feeling began to leave me. I know that sounds strange but there is something about this place, I feel it somehow penetrate the best part of me. I mentioned this to my friend but I could tell she didn't feel it. But I do know she enjoyed this place, it does have a calming effect about it.
Kelly I know you will read this blog, and I never mentioned this until now because I wanted you to think about it first before you answer me...yup I am a stinker still:) But do you remember the feeling that came over us today? We really and truly enjoyed ourselves, and for once we didn't feel rushed, and I didn't feel the need to watch my back. While at lunch I almost felt euphoric in my feelings of contentment, and I did feel very happy.
I think that one picture you took when I was putting my arms up, best shows the look and the feeling I was experiencing. Have a look and tell me now what your thoughts are of how this day went compared to all the others we have had together, don't get me wrong they are all great, but something was different about this day, and we only did one thing different.
My friend is also getting a tattoo, we went to talk to the person this morning who will be doing it for her. I hope my friend don't mind me explaining a little about the tattoo she is getting? If so let me know and I will edit this part.
Kelly knew she wanted a fairy, or I suggested a pixie, not because that is my Internet name, rather because it is my opinion of the differences in the two. To me an angel is innocent and pure...no I am not saying you are not pure:) But a pixie has a sense of humor...mischievousness if you will.
Oh yes you are mischievous, and yes I am too. To me a pixie is as angelic, but has a sense of humor not afforded to the angel. Although I see them as mischievous, they are also good and are protectors. Once they befriend someone, they remain that way for life. OK, that is enough of what I think on that subject, although I could go on as I find fantasy a place where I could live and love it there, but back to reality.
Kelly did agree to a pixie after seeing one that he showed her. Kelly wants the pixie kneeling in a Lotus flower, and she wants tears coming down the check of the pixie. I suggested to Kelly that I know why she wants this symbol, and I suggested a broken heart lying on the pixies hand. Now this is what she will have put on her leg in about two weeks time. I am so proud that she is going for something she wants and don't mind the thought of the pain she will suffer to get it...as I told you Kelly...you go girl, I will be there while you have it done. Just don't pretend to be in too much pain or I might faint! :)
We then left this place feeling that this was the right place, right time, and all was good. Then as I said at lunch this feeling continued, and I will tell you I still had feeling of getting some revenge this morning.
I am not proud of that fact, but I also know I need to vent this anger or it will fester and spread. I also know there is enough of that in this world, and I don't need to add to it, rather I want to find a way to help ease the hatred. I got up this morning and read my blog again, I felt the same bitterness swell inside of me.
What not many know is years ago, I use to loose my temper all the time. Any little thing would set me off, and after the anger subsided I knew this was bad. It almost seemed like the madder I got, the less control I had over any part of my life. I spent a lot of time alone at this time in my life, and that is when it happened the most. After a long extended period of this uncontrolled anger, I decided I had to stop this evil that seemed to be growing within me. I call it evil because that is what I have come to call anger, this is how I now understand it.
I of all people know how it can and will grow, it does fester and spread, and it will wipe out everything in its path because it has no understanding or want of understanding. It knows only anger, and hatred, it thrives on fear and the strength one gains when in this state. Make no mistake, it is a state of mind, not easily controlled, and requires a life time of discipline too refrain from former habits.
When I returned to my statuary this morning, I was reminded of that through this feeling I was trying to explain. Once I left this place with that understanding returning to me about the hazards of anger, I became almost myself again. I watched my friend become the same way as well. Before all the madness started, we could laugh and talk openly and freely. My friend, I must tell you , I truly enjoyed that feeling today and the experience that came with it, I only hope you in some small way felt that, and experienced it.
When I got home I decide to go visit my 92 year old friend, we had a pleasant visit as I still felt good. Something did happen before I got there though. I decided to get each of us an Icecap from Tim Horton's before I went. So I went to pull into the drive through, and who was sitting there waiting to pull out but my X! I immediately felt the anger return to the pit of my stomach.
He sat there looking directly at me with a big grin on his face and waved like he just saw his best friend...I dam near lost it. But I didn't look his way at all and drove on. I took a deep breath and I remembered my day with my friend and that wonderful feeling I had all day. Within a very short time I felt the calm come back. While I waited I watched this ass, drive back and forth, and I was amazed at how little I cared anymore for this thing...yes he will remain a thing to me.
I thought about the fact that the man I loved was dead, and this was just a weird stranger in my way. By now I was completely calm again, and the anger gone. I had a wonderful visit as I said with my friend. A couple of people came to tell me he was driving back and forth tooting the horn as he went by. I sat back in my chair, and I thought about that, and how silly he must look in the car he has now.
Yes he bought a different car, this one is red, with what looks like black waves going back over it with a black engine bonnet. It also has a scoop on the trunk.
It also has the big loud muffler on it, I imagined a young person driving that car and thought how appropriate that would be. Then I though about a 58 year old driving it, and trying to squeal his tires to show off...well I dam near lost it right then and there laughing! I finally got it!
He doesn't need me to do anything to him...he is doing a great job of looking foolish by himself! Now how is that for logic? Finally something to get me through these dam rough patches...and so dam funny!
So as you can see, my emotions go from one plain right to another in the span of a very short time. I do know I need to vent my anger, but I will do it here with the written word until the calm returns. I wish I would have stopped for a bottle today, because I tell you I think I would have some tonight to celebrate this Revelation!
It has taken me an hour to put this into writing, so be patient as you try to read and understand it. The point I am trying to make is, people keep telling me I soon have to break, or the anger must take over, or I have to do something to get back at him. Wouldn't that make me just like him? I truly can't stand him; and do I want people or myself to see me like that?
My answer is no.
Anger and revenge is not the answer, it will only add fuel to a fire that is already out of control.
I am hoping my approach is as water on the fire.
Consider what your anger really is,
Pixie;)

Another Day

Hello,

Well I am finally home and feeling a little calmer, now I did say a little.
I really need to find a way to take out my frustration, I know how damaging this anger can be.
I have always tried to find a way of dealing with things , but the hate I am feeling towards my X, is growing daily.
Some might say if you hate him that means you still have feelings for him...let me tell you how wrong that is.

As I said, the man I love is dead, that is final and he will never be back.
I have buried the best part of him in my memories, and that thing that is left behind is just that...a cold thing. This thing would make the best of us sick, and I regret closing my eyes for so long and losing so many years to it.

I keep hearing how one day it will be better, boy I hope they are right...but how do you forget all the evil of one person to make so many un-happy. I know through history these kinds of people have existed, and for some strange reason they almost seem immune to all laws, until they finally take it too far and someone important is affected in some way.

Only then will someone stand up and face what has become the normal in the un-fairness of life...but how important does one have to be to count in this society and make a final difference...well usually someone has to pay with their life...

Pixie

Friday, September 7, 2007

No Better



Tonight things are no better with my attitude, my headache is a little better but my mind is even more convinced I need to take action! Tonight the BBQ I bought was loaded in back of a truck and headed down the highway. By the way this is conveniently his son's truck, I am now waiting for the police to call me yet again and tell me there is nothing they can do but put it in a file. I have also added a picture of the building that was removed yesterday, you know this is calling for war and I am dam near ready to give it...and when I explode I may not survive...because I will get at least one good smack in...and that would be worth it! As long as he swings first, I don't care if it is my last!
I am headed to a friends tonight, we are going to restore his computer and have some drinks...I think that is just what I need to get me started...I think the soap opera is about to get suspenseful!
One pissed Pixie!





Thursday, September 6, 2007

Headache

Hello,

I didn't go to work today as I have had a bad headache for a couple of days now. I don't know if it is from the cold or the stress I have been under lately. I do know the stress isn't helping and this morning I had more news that my X has removed one of the outside buildings from the property.

Oh my does it ever end, how in the world can he keep removing these things and nothing can be done. Let me go and do that and see what in the heck happens. I am getting very tired of trying to be nice about this. Maybe I need to become what he is, it seems to be working for him.

Maybe if I just go take what I want, and sell it or give it away I will begin to come a head in this life. I know that is not logical, but what has the logic got me so far? A major headache is what, have I contacted my lawyer, of course, will I be able to do anything about it...of course not. This really is a mans world, and the only thing it seems I could do is move back into my home, no one has the right to stop me. And wait until I am killed, so he gets charged with murder, or until he attacks me again and then I can have him removed.

I really thought that in today's society things had improved when It came to equal and fair rights, but I can tell you nothing has changed in the least. I will literally have to be killed by him, and then they would say they couldn't prove he did it.

I worked just as hard for the things he is selling and giving away, I am paying my own way in life, always have. And he gets to live there for free and buy different a vehicle, I just don't see where that is fair. I thought my life had an equal value to his in the grand scheme of things but apparently I don't. So where does that leave me...well apparently in the world alone, because I believed we are all equal. I always believe good would eventually beat out evil and that there was a happy ever after down this long road. But I am now beginning to believe I am wrong, and the only way for me to win is to do something drastic.

Now my head is splitting again, time to put the breaks on my thoughts as they are. But everyone out there who reads this needs to open their eyes as I have...nothing is fair, nothing is right, and the meaner you are in this world, the farther a head you will come out.

Yes at this time that is just how I feel, and yes I am beginning to believe it and worse...nobody really cares as long as it doesn't interfere with their life. But what some don't seem to get is this could be their life very shortly, and who will be left standing by your side?

Is there a reason,
Pixie

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Sanctuary

Hello again,

I took a walk down to my newly discovered sanctuary tonight after work. It is an amazing place, tonight I noticed something I didn't notice last night, another path going through the woods by the brook. I followed this path and noted that after a rain I wouldn't be able to cross here, for I could see the water would cover this place.

But I pushed on and came out to the river, I don't want to tell to many details of this place because I don't want certain people to find me. Let me tell you when I submerged from this almost hidden path I was struck by the fact that I felt I was here before. I know I never was, but it was uncanny how I felt.

I played around one time and painted a picture, it wasn't great but you could make some things out. Let me tell you, a couple of things stood out immediately for me that resembled what I tried to paint. I couldn't believe it. I went back to my place and grabbed my camera once again and took some pictures. Now by first looking at what I painted and the pictures I took, most wouldn't see the resemblance, but if one looked at it from the other side of the river to where I was standing, and where I took the pictures, it would be obvious to some including me.

Somehow what I painted was younger, by that I mean the grass was shorter, the water level was higher and the rocks a little different, but in relatively the same place. My painting was almost that of the same spot, but somehow in the distant past. It is amazing how so many coincident can happen in a lifetime. I have had similar things happen throughout my life, the feeling of living this life for the second time...and yes apparently making the same mistakes every time.

I joked with my friend tonight that I finally lost it, I told her I must be in a comma somewhere waiting for my next shot of med's!! Ha ha, how else does one explain all these crazy things that we think happened. Well if nothing else it gave me some interesting thoughts, and if what I am expecting does happen, I might even have something to enjoy for a while...it is the ending that I don't like. But this is just a fantasy, so it is all in fun, put the straight jacket away...for now:)
I am not about to live in this make believe world of mine...for the time being it is keeping me occupied for a while.

Be good to each other, you may need someones help one day,
Pixie:)

Monday, September 3, 2007

Hidden



















Hello again,

Well as I said when I re-edited my post this morning I had to change my plans as my X was off today as well.
But I went for a blueberry muffin, oh so good and a coffee. Then I walked around the store for a while and then went and visited my 92 year old friend. She is not feeling well, and has a bad cough, but I am so glad I went and saw her.

I was expecting her to be sleepy, but when I got there she was just a humming a little tune. I really enjoy her when she is in this mood, and we had an hours worth of conversation and laughter. I will be so glad when I can visit her in the evenings again every now and then. But for now we have the afternoons, and we will enjoy what time we can together.

When I left there I went to visit my friend Kelly for a bit, then I came home and had a nap…I find the older I get the better I like to have a nap on a day like this. When I woke I decided it was finally time to explore the area where I am staying. This is the first time I wanted to do that, I noticed a little path in the back of this place and decided to check it out.

I took my time and enjoyed the sun streaming through the trees, a hawk was calling out and a slight breeze rustled the leaves on the trees. When I got down over a little hill I caught my breath in wonderment, here hidden away was a small area around the brook that runs pass my place. This place is beautiful, what a treasure I have discovered! I will now spend more of my time here; as I approached the water; I spooked a couple of deer who were gracing on the other side of the bank. I believe I have just found my sanctuary, a place to go and think and just be me.

I have added a couple of pictures of this place, it was evening when I took these pictures so they are a little dark, but you can see the calm that surrounds this place. After my discovery I went back and got my camera and took some pictures, I had to hurry as my friend was coming for a while this evening. I showed her the pictures and next weekend I will take her there for her to enjoy this place.

This was the first time I have ventured out for a walk and I must say it was very nice and relaxing. I had a couple of upsets today but this walk helped, and my friend and I went for some chilly, now that just has to warm the soul. It was a very good evening, my friend and I just sat and talked. We talked about everything from being lonely to falling in love or ending up alone, it is nice to be able to talk to someone about these things, and I know she feels the same way.

I guess I should soon call it a night as I am back to work tomorrow, I know I will be busy for the next four days. I will worry about the weekend when it gets here again, until then I wish you all a peaceful week.

Pixie:)

Good morning

Hello everyone,

I am having a pretty good morning this morning and I want to share that good feeling with you. My cold is much better and my mind seems to be handling things great. I still get very upset by times but I now know I am moving on and forward.

This being a holiday gives me another day off, and I am hoping to enjoy it a bit. I will explain that remark tonight in detail. I woke early this morning, 6am to be exact, so much for sleeping in. I forced myself to lie there for a half and hour and then I just had to get up.

I have noticed the chill in the air in the mornings, fall is approaching fast. Although I love this time of year I don't like the bitter cold that follows, so go out and enjoy this beautiful weather while you can.

I decided I wanted some breakfast this morning, I decided to have something I haven't had for a while now. I scrambled up two eggs with a folk, I add, sugar, cinnamon, and a little Vanilla. Once I have this mixed I then add just a little can milk and pour it directly into a hot pan. Once it is firm on one side I flip it over and add some cubed ham over the top and sprinkle some shredded cheese over it. When the other side is firm I start to fold this into quarters until all is hot and the cheese is melted. One word of caution if you try this, do not have your pan to hot as it will burn before it is ready. Now enjoy. I hope some of you try this as it is a tasty treat every now and then.

Well I must go and prepare for the day, the sun is up and the birds are out my front door having their breakfast of some bread heels I have put there for them. Have a great day, and I will write more tonight.

Well it is now 8:39 and I am back to edit this post. I was hoping where it was a holiday my X who usually works, wouldn't interfere with me enjoying some freedom today...but you know what they say about making plans. I just found out he is not working today which means I have to go back to being very careful.Oh well I will just have to change my plans a bit, because I will not sit home all day today.The one thing I have gotten very good at is calling 911 if needed!

Keep smiling,
Pixie:)

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Better

Hello,

My cold seems to be better tonight, the chills have gone and I can breath again for the most part. I am very happy over that. My friend and I was out and about today for a while, time goes so fast when we are together. That is something I do still miss and I guess I always will, that is company. It seems I was always going somewhere or people were around and about, but now there is only silence here.

A lot of people wish for peace and quiet, and I did also for a while...but let me tell you too much of it is not good either. But I have no choice as there really is no one left to visit me or for me to visit, so here I sit. I will be moving in a couple of months, I am so looking forward to that. I will at least be around people again and then I will go out and socialize a bit.

I will be within walking distance of a lot of places, including some good drinks:)) And I have every intention of starting to enjoy myself and the company of others. I would be doing that now if not for certain people. Today was the first time I actually saw what he does, yes I am talking about my X. My friend and I was having a late lunch when we looked out and saw him combing through the parking lot. I know he was looking for my car, he passed all the empty parking spaces and went up and down the rows of parking places. I couldn't believe it, what arrogance, then he left so why else was he there.


I really do look back and wonder how I could have stayed with him for so long. He has shown nothing but hate since this all began, so that tells me there was no love there to begin with. How could I have been so blind for all of those years. This really makes me wonder what it would be like if someone really loved me, and I truly loved them. I hope one day to find out, and this time I hope it is real, if it happens that is.

I do miss not having someone to talk too, and having someone around to share things with. But for now that is just how it will have to be. So for now I will content myself with the knowledge that soon I will be somewhere when I can come and go as I please, with caution of course. And maybe get out there and meet some new people and experience life once more.

Have a good night,
Pixie:)

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Cold

Hello,

Well it would seem this cold has finally caught up with me. It has been making its rounds at work for a while now. Now what is it they say...lots of rest...I don't think so:)

I did go to work again today, my usual seems to be six days a week now, but I like to be busy. I was going out tonight for a few drinks, but now it looks like I will be staying home with a box of tissue. Oh well there are worse things in life...

Speaking of which, there was another minor incident today concerning my X. I wonder will he ever get it? I am beginning to think I will have to stay hidden forever at this rate, and that really isn't fair. We might have share a life, but he gave up all rights to that the minute he tried to sleep with someone else, and then tried to physically harm me.

I knew it was too quiet for too long, but I will have to just go with it, what else can I do but keep reporting this stuff to the police so they can add it to that file which is growing at an unbelievable rate.

Oh well I guess I will have to take some strong cold pills, and then dream about that fantasy dream man I invented. That will hopefully keep me occupied for a while:))

Until next time,
Pixie