Deep Thoughts

Hello,

Things are going about the same for me, I am still doing OK. It is mostly quite now for the most part, and now the wait is on. By that I mean now I have to wait for the legal system, appointments and preparations are under way.

I am also soon done with my counseling for now, I still get upset by times but that is normal. My whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. It is time to pick up the pieces I have left and try to move on into this new life I am trying to live.

I guess the hardest thing for me now, is how could I let myself be used for so long, and turn it all off without even knowing I did it. Some questions will never be answered I know, but how much do we all shut out in an effort not to deal with it. So many have to decide will they stay and live the rest of their lives this way. Or will they do as I have done, jump into the unknown head first?

Am I scared of what lies ahead....yes I am very much scared. Lots of questions go through my mind at night, like will I make it by myself, will I get through the never ending bills that keep coming in, and is this what the rest of my life will be like? I have spent many nights on these questions and more, but I have no answers. I will have to wait and see, either I will step forward and survive on my own or fall flat on my face trying.

I believe a worst fate might have been turning off all emotion and living in a state of existence from day to day. I may be bored most of the time, but at least I am living the truth of my life, and not hiding in a loveless marriage. And if I decided sometime down the road I need a room mate, it would be just that, a room mate and not a responsibility. Passing my time does seem to be my problem right now, but I think once I move I will be better able to do that as my mind may finally rest at the fact that I will be around people again.

I have tried reading, and have had limited success keeping my train of thought. I have tried TV, but I might as well close my eyes and fall to sleep. I am no where ready to start painting ceramic's or sewing yet, so this only leave thought...and emails, and I do tend to bug some people too much I know:) But this is what keeps me going and hopefully they understand that and don't mind getting them from me.

Kelly has been a constant companion for me and I am very grateful for that. I will be much closer to her as well when I move and we can visit even more. Until then I will end up writing more on here and pacing the floor. I will have a deep path in this floor by the time I leave, and I am sure my foot steps will echo here for a long time after I am gone. But at least they are my foot steps and not someone else walking on my feet so they don't have to move their legs.

Until next time,
Pixie