Hello again,
I had such a good day yesterday I want to share it with you. My best friend Kelly and me had all day together yesterday. We met for lunch, and a good friend joined us. We had a good time with our friend, and had a wonderfully unrealistic conversation...it was good. Then we did a little shopping, and met a new friend, we laughed as hard with him as we did earlier.
Then we were invited to another friends for supper...and a couple of beer;) It was a wonderful meal, and a very good conversation. She was a good hostess, and her place is very nice.
Then we went to Karaoke around 9, I don't get up and sing....I wouldn't do that to people! Ha ha It was a good time, I didn't arrive home until 2:30 this morning....hence why I am still setting at my computer trying to clear my thoughts a bit.
I am finally enjoying myself. It took a long time, and although I still have very bad days, I also have some very good days. I know some of you are still struggling...believe that very slowly, good change will come...I won't tell you it will stay because it doesn't. However; if the good times come more and more....then we will be sad less and less:)
I have also noticed another change in me lately, I seem to have become a very somber and serious person. I now sense a movement in the completely opposite direction, I now seem to have the need to create, to let what I feel release from within me. Only those who feel these rushes of creativity will understand the need to express them. For me it has come in the form of writing a very romantic continuously changing story.
I will probably shock a lot of you by saying that...because my life has been so serious...and yes even life threatening by time...I do believe I need to experience this. Do I intend to write a book...not now, maybe one day. The reason I tell all of you this, is because I am going to change some of my writing habits from being so life serious, to the creation that seem to be emanating from within me.
I am sure by now most of you are confused by my meaning. I will give you a few examples of the strong focus coming from within me, this just came out into a conversation one day...surprised me as well as those I was with. But they have increased in frequency, and I am now enjoying them. While talking one day, I said without knowing I was going to:
"My soul cried to be free, so I grew wings to accommodate its wishes"...to say it felt profound is putting it mildly!
Now they are more in a poetic and romantic form.
Such as:
"May the milky way find and nourish you with silky pleasure"
"Is our journey to pass as fiery comets in the night sky...silently blazing separate paths? "
"Slowly lay your head on the softest cloud in heaven, and I will cover you with protection and comfort..."
Ok, I think I have shocked some of you enough for now. But I will be letting this new creativity have a voice. Some might like it...others won't.
You must decide if you want to follow me on this different journey.
How long will it last...I don't know. It may leave as quickly as it came.....or maybe it is a new beginning...or part of me.
Have a good day my friends,
Pixie:)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Dance
Hello,
I went to a dance last night with my friends, it was different to say the least. I have promised myself I would do different things now that I am single. I don't remember the name of the band, but they played Jazz, Swing, and Blue's, as I said it was different for me.
I like easy listening and light rock. It was very nice to see people dancing in a way I haven't seen except for on T.V. Some of them had such good rhythm, and experience from years of practice together. They glided across the floor as if the wind carried them into a gentle breath of time and music.
They held each other with a respect that is not seen in today's dance mix. I do believe I would like to learn the skill of ballroom dancing, who knows...maybe one day it will be me gliding my way across a dance floor staring contently into a handsome mans eyes....but that I noticed is a must for a good dance, not just practised moves, but a caring, that seems to flow with the couple as they go.
Yes this is a different observation than my last post, but that is the point of observing different things. To come to, and change ones point of view...is that not what makes us grow as a people, and more important, an individual?
Peaceful dreams friends,
Pixie
I went to a dance last night with my friends, it was different to say the least. I have promised myself I would do different things now that I am single. I don't remember the name of the band, but they played Jazz, Swing, and Blue's, as I said it was different for me.
I like easy listening and light rock. It was very nice to see people dancing in a way I haven't seen except for on T.V. Some of them had such good rhythm, and experience from years of practice together. They glided across the floor as if the wind carried them into a gentle breath of time and music.
They held each other with a respect that is not seen in today's dance mix. I do believe I would like to learn the skill of ballroom dancing, who knows...maybe one day it will be me gliding my way across a dance floor staring contently into a handsome mans eyes....but that I noticed is a must for a good dance, not just practised moves, but a caring, that seems to flow with the couple as they go.
Yes this is a different observation than my last post, but that is the point of observing different things. To come to, and change ones point of view...is that not what makes us grow as a people, and more important, an individual?
Peaceful dreams friends,
Pixie
Monday, January 14, 2008
Happy or Not
Hello everyone,
I have been watching people together lately. Families or couples as I sit having coffee in different places. I wonder if they are still together because they are in love, or has it become a convenience in their lives.
Only they truly know that for sure, but I can tell you what I observed, a good many seem indifferent to each other. I hear lots of "I don't care, do what you want or pick up what you want". No discussion about anything.
The children seem unaware of the discussion around them and are content with the fascination of the new toys, and wanting them. More than once I watched one or the other of a couple checking out someone who has just walked by...it is very easy to see what their thoughts are;)
I now wonder after all this studying of human nature, and living it, if we can be truly happy with the same partner through life. It seems life moves in, and sets us into such a routine that we forget the person we are with changes as much as we do.
I believe this is a natural state, we all evolve as we learn and experience all the different emotions of life. Maybe the trick is learning to except the change within our selves as well as those of our partner. Maybe that is what keeps the sparks alive within us, and pulls us together instead of apart.
What do you think? I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject, if anyone cares to share them.
Until next time,
Pixie;)
I have been watching people together lately. Families or couples as I sit having coffee in different places. I wonder if they are still together because they are in love, or has it become a convenience in their lives.
Only they truly know that for sure, but I can tell you what I observed, a good many seem indifferent to each other. I hear lots of "I don't care, do what you want or pick up what you want". No discussion about anything.
The children seem unaware of the discussion around them and are content with the fascination of the new toys, and wanting them. More than once I watched one or the other of a couple checking out someone who has just walked by...it is very easy to see what their thoughts are;)
I now wonder after all this studying of human nature, and living it, if we can be truly happy with the same partner through life. It seems life moves in, and sets us into such a routine that we forget the person we are with changes as much as we do.
I believe this is a natural state, we all evolve as we learn and experience all the different emotions of life. Maybe the trick is learning to except the change within our selves as well as those of our partner. Maybe that is what keeps the sparks alive within us, and pulls us together instead of apart.
What do you think? I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject, if anyone cares to share them.
Until next time,
Pixie;)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Cosmic Universe Explained
Hello again,
I have such a strong sense that I need to explain a comment I made on my last blog entry. My sense is people misunderstood my meaning, when I said a wrong had been made right by my passing events in the last year.
My sense tells me people are thinking, does she think she is so important in the grand scheme of things? Well, no I don't. If anything I feel the opposite, I feel a very insignificant part of this vast universe. I will try and explain what I meant.
Imagine a very fine piece of fabric, a very small stitch in the fabric is torn, but it is so small it appears unimportant in the looks and feel of this material. Over time this small tear feels the pull and strain on its weaken state, and begins to let go under the pressure. By itself none of the other stitches feels the weakened ones strain, until the closest stitch feels a pull on its purpose in the oneness of the fabric.
Now imagine the chain of events that follows over time, the entire fabric will feel the strain. Eventually a massive whole may appear, or a very noticeable tear. Now most fabrics, or articles made from this material have stress points which are made stronger at the time of creation to compensate for the added stress. But if the other stitches are also pulling on the stress point, then a hole or rift is created.
The question becomes, is this piece of fabric, or article of clothing important enough to repair, or will it be discarded. Each individual will need to answer that question for them selves. If it is repaired in time, no one would be aware that there was a problem, except for those stitshes involved. If however it is discarded, the gap will never be repaired, or improve. It will remain in this state until the end of time, or until someone sees its worth and repairs or recovers it.
I hope this explains more of what I truly meant by my statement...my guess is I just created even more questions. I am only a small stitch in the fabric in time, not known by most of the other stitches around me. But if myself or my fellow stitches weaken around me, then we become aware of a problem.
Will we wait until the tear is noticeable my friends,
Pixie:)
I have such a strong sense that I need to explain a comment I made on my last blog entry. My sense is people misunderstood my meaning, when I said a wrong had been made right by my passing events in the last year.
My sense tells me people are thinking, does she think she is so important in the grand scheme of things? Well, no I don't. If anything I feel the opposite, I feel a very insignificant part of this vast universe. I will try and explain what I meant.
Imagine a very fine piece of fabric, a very small stitch in the fabric is torn, but it is so small it appears unimportant in the looks and feel of this material. Over time this small tear feels the pull and strain on its weaken state, and begins to let go under the pressure. By itself none of the other stitches feels the weakened ones strain, until the closest stitch feels a pull on its purpose in the oneness of the fabric.
Now imagine the chain of events that follows over time, the entire fabric will feel the strain. Eventually a massive whole may appear, or a very noticeable tear. Now most fabrics, or articles made from this material have stress points which are made stronger at the time of creation to compensate for the added stress. But if the other stitches are also pulling on the stress point, then a hole or rift is created.
The question becomes, is this piece of fabric, or article of clothing important enough to repair, or will it be discarded. Each individual will need to answer that question for them selves. If it is repaired in time, no one would be aware that there was a problem, except for those stitshes involved. If however it is discarded, the gap will never be repaired, or improve. It will remain in this state until the end of time, or until someone sees its worth and repairs or recovers it.
I hope this explains more of what I truly meant by my statement...my guess is I just created even more questions. I am only a small stitch in the fabric in time, not known by most of the other stitches around me. But if myself or my fellow stitches weaken around me, then we become aware of a problem.
Will we wait until the tear is noticeable my friends,
Pixie:)
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Year
Happy New Year,
2008 has arrived, time really doesn't wait for anyone. I had some very good times over the holidays, and was able to visit a lot of friends and some family I haven't seen for a while.
I am more content now, and I am setting up a routine in my life. I still get very lonely by times but that will only ease with time and the company of friends. I am beginning to notice a lot of nature here now. There are many types of birds around here, as well as a lot of dogs running around, one in particular is very friendly and likes people throwing his ball for him that he takes everywhere with him.
I am having a sleepless night, which sometimes is normal for me. When it becomes quiet, and I become bored, my mind drifts back to past events and I cannot stop those thoughts. I believe this is the minds way of dealing with trauma, it waits until the individual can revisit a nightmare. My hope is that, this is the beginning of my true healing and the acceptance of what has happened to me.
I do not like these nights, as these thoughts still scare me, but if this will one day stop them from happening, then I would rather deal with them now. My thoughts now drift to many different things in my life. One strong sense I get is to continue to explore myself and who I really am.
By that I mean trying to figure out what I like as an individual.
I have never been on my own long enough to know what my wants, needs and likes are. Now these thoughts are foreign to me as I never ask myself these questions. You see, I have heard the saying, "it doesn't matter, or no one cares", so much throughout my life that I believed it and never thought any different...until this past year.
As you can tell my mind and all the questions in it are working again. On nights like this it would be so nice to have someone to talk to about them, and I am sure if I wanted someone here I could find some company. But I will not rush into that, first I need to figure myself out.
I am hoping that spring and a little freedom to explore will help me find some of the answers I am looking for, and maybe the contentment to stay alone.
I know I am not the only one asking these questions, and no one can tell us the answer. We must wait until the time is right, and believe that we now walk the path to our destiny. One thing I have always felt very strongly since my nightmare began, and that is that this had to happen, and somehow a wrong has been righted by these events passing. I don't pretend to understand it, but it must come to pass, and it must be completed to repair, or correct that which was very wrong in the cosmic universe. These events will somehow put me back onto some unknown path that I must journey on.
If I am honest, and most won't believe this, but I had...for lack of a better word, visions of some of these events. I did not see all the horror that awaited me, but I have seen an ending of sorts for many years but never understood it. And I don't mean as I would watch a movie, but simply I saw myself standing looking back at where I use to live and I knew I had to leave that place and all that went with it. A sense of right was so powerful, I couldn't deny it. I have seen this vision so many times I can remember most of the details including my thoughts as I looked on.
No I don't pretend to understand this, and it took me a long to to except it, but now I know it had a purpose and I was being told or warned, but I didn't listen or except it until all this happened. Now I know I need to listen, and try to follow whatever is ahead.
I will try to take you all with me on this personal journey, and maybe help some of you to understand there is a reason for this madness, we just cannot see it or understand it. Believe that there is a force out there guiding us, trying to lead us on our next important life lesson.
My belief is that in the end, we need to go through this stage in our existence in order to achieve the enlightenment on the other side of understanding.
Remain strong and believe, and we will make it,
Pixies:)
2008 has arrived, time really doesn't wait for anyone. I had some very good times over the holidays, and was able to visit a lot of friends and some family I haven't seen for a while.
I am more content now, and I am setting up a routine in my life. I still get very lonely by times but that will only ease with time and the company of friends. I am beginning to notice a lot of nature here now. There are many types of birds around here, as well as a lot of dogs running around, one in particular is very friendly and likes people throwing his ball for him that he takes everywhere with him.
I am having a sleepless night, which sometimes is normal for me. When it becomes quiet, and I become bored, my mind drifts back to past events and I cannot stop those thoughts. I believe this is the minds way of dealing with trauma, it waits until the individual can revisit a nightmare. My hope is that, this is the beginning of my true healing and the acceptance of what has happened to me.
I do not like these nights, as these thoughts still scare me, but if this will one day stop them from happening, then I would rather deal with them now. My thoughts now drift to many different things in my life. One strong sense I get is to continue to explore myself and who I really am.
By that I mean trying to figure out what I like as an individual.
I have never been on my own long enough to know what my wants, needs and likes are. Now these thoughts are foreign to me as I never ask myself these questions. You see, I have heard the saying, "it doesn't matter, or no one cares", so much throughout my life that I believed it and never thought any different...until this past year.
As you can tell my mind and all the questions in it are working again. On nights like this it would be so nice to have someone to talk to about them, and I am sure if I wanted someone here I could find some company. But I will not rush into that, first I need to figure myself out.
I am hoping that spring and a little freedom to explore will help me find some of the answers I am looking for, and maybe the contentment to stay alone.
I know I am not the only one asking these questions, and no one can tell us the answer. We must wait until the time is right, and believe that we now walk the path to our destiny. One thing I have always felt very strongly since my nightmare began, and that is that this had to happen, and somehow a wrong has been righted by these events passing. I don't pretend to understand it, but it must come to pass, and it must be completed to repair, or correct that which was very wrong in the cosmic universe. These events will somehow put me back onto some unknown path that I must journey on.
If I am honest, and most won't believe this, but I had...for lack of a better word, visions of some of these events. I did not see all the horror that awaited me, but I have seen an ending of sorts for many years but never understood it. And I don't mean as I would watch a movie, but simply I saw myself standing looking back at where I use to live and I knew I had to leave that place and all that went with it. A sense of right was so powerful, I couldn't deny it. I have seen this vision so many times I can remember most of the details including my thoughts as I looked on.
No I don't pretend to understand this, and it took me a long to to except it, but now I know it had a purpose and I was being told or warned, but I didn't listen or except it until all this happened. Now I know I need to listen, and try to follow whatever is ahead.
I will try to take you all with me on this personal journey, and maybe help some of you to understand there is a reason for this madness, we just cannot see it or understand it. Believe that there is a force out there guiding us, trying to lead us on our next important life lesson.
My belief is that in the end, we need to go through this stage in our existence in order to achieve the enlightenment on the other side of understanding.
Remain strong and believe, and we will make it,
Pixies:)
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