Making Sense

Hello,

I believe I am on the verge of figuring some things out. Let me begin by explaining that my situation doesn't follow conventional actions of violence. My 25 year relationship wasn't always bad, there was some good times through out our marriage. There was no physical abuse until that one night, and there was no fits of jealousy. You see, if anything there was a lack of good caring emotions and interests.

I am not ashamed of the fact that I am seeing a councilor, and that I have contacted Harbour House. If any of you are in trouble or are unsure if you even need help, the number is in the book, they have many means to help you, even just to answer questions if need be. For me it is in the form of talking and making plans. Now that I have said that I will continue with my thoughts.

I now believe the 14 year age difference between me and my X, has become a major factor in our lack of similar interests. Are you asking why I am saying these things or telling you?
Well I am beginning to understand I need to know what went wrong, so I never make the same mistake again. But more important; to cope with my situation, and the fear that has come where it has never lived before.

I am beginning to get a glimmer that all of this pain is for a reason, I am not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers, rather; maybe finally a beginning to understand my personal misery and why it is so strong. I am now wondering if in a small way I may be able to help some who suffer as I do. I am sorry I can't explain more just yet as this is just the beginning of this idea.

My want now is too reach out to others, in a way that will help them find a little hope. This has only began to dawn on me in the last hours so I do not have it all figured out yet, but I already know how important it could become.

And to think, I owe it all to a miller and a chipmunk. And you know I haven't seen my little friend since, but I know he is there and watching. The feelings that have begun to stir again are now almost...lining up my current thoughts. I will be helping myself as well as others, how perfect is that. The one thing that will snap me out of my own problems, is by helping others with theirs in very small ways.

I am hoping the moving forward is happening now and I have allowed my hopes to rise a bit. Somehow it feels like the here and now have changed, and the wheel as they say is turning. But in the same breath I must not let my guard down, I know too well how fast things can happen and escalate out of control. So now I will look for a balance of helping, along with caution.

All I can add to this is,
It is time,
Pixie