Hello,
I believe I am on the verge of figuring some things out. Let me begin by explaining that my situation doesn't follow conventional actions of violence. My 25 year relationship wasn't always bad, there was some good times through out our marriage. There was no physical abuse until that one night, and there was no fits of jealousy. You see, if anything there was a lack of good caring emotions and interests.
I am not ashamed of the fact that I am seeing a councilor, and that I have contacted Harbour House. If any of you are in trouble or are unsure if you even need help, the number is in the book, they have many means to help you, even just to answer questions if need be. For me it is in the form of talking and making plans. Now that I have said that I will continue with my thoughts.
I now believe the 14 year age difference between me and my X, has become a major factor in our lack of similar interests. Are you asking why I am saying these things or telling you?
Well I am beginning to understand I need to know what went wrong, so I never make the same mistake again. But more important; to cope with my situation, and the fear that has come where it has never lived before.
I am beginning to get a glimmer that all of this pain is for a reason, I am not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers, rather; maybe finally a beginning to understand my personal misery and why it is so strong. I am now wondering if in a small way I may be able to help some who suffer as I do. I am sorry I can't explain more just yet as this is just the beginning of this idea.
My want now is too reach out to others, in a way that will help them find a little hope. This has only began to dawn on me in the last hours so I do not have it all figured out yet, but I already know how important it could become.
And to think, I owe it all to a miller and a chipmunk. And you know I haven't seen my little friend since, but I know he is there and watching. The feelings that have begun to stir again are now almost...lining up my current thoughts. I will be helping myself as well as others, how perfect is that. The one thing that will snap me out of my own problems, is by helping others with theirs in very small ways.
I am hoping the moving forward is happening now and I have allowed my hopes to rise a bit. Somehow it feels like the here and now have changed, and the wheel as they say is turning. But in the same breath I must not let my guard down, I know too well how fast things can happen and escalate out of control. So now I will look for a balance of helping, along with caution.
All I can add to this is,
It is time,
Pixie
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Old Feelings Return
Hello,
I have a story I will share with you, for some it will mean nothing, but for me it is a returning to things the way they use to be. I was visiting with my friend at work yesterday afternoon, when in the door flew this moth or miller, I am not sure which it was, it was mostly black.
It flew in and circled around me, and I said to my friend look at that, we were very excited as this little creature circled. I finally said jokingly, ok now calm down and come and sit with us, my friend caught right on and said yes do settle down a bit.
I held out my hand and it landed there as if right on cue, we sat and talked to this little visitor not believing it was actually inside sitting with us. It was walking around on my hand and made itself at home, it was tickling my hand as it did so, and I found it hard not to scratch :) Finally I said to my friend I need to let him out before he gets hurt in here, she wanted the same for our little friend.
So I went into the dining room and found a place to slip him out, he flew away but left behind a wonderful conversation with my friend and I. I reminded her today about our friend because she did forget about him, but I will keep reminding her about it.
Tonight I was tired after a hard but good day at work, and had a nap on my couch; I was awakened by the sound of a bird chirping by my door. So I sat up, and when I did the chirping stopped, so I went out and sat and watched the birds and chipmunks making their nightly rounds.
The birds are very nervous except for one, he is not bothered by my presents and always looks at me when I go out, and then continues with his feed. The chipmunks seems to have accepted me as well, I always save the heels off my bread for them, and now they seem to look for it.
I watched them running about for a while and realized the birds and the chipmunks had all the seeds cleaned up from the ground. I thought about the sunflower seeds I had inside and went for them, when I came out chipmunk look directly at me, and as I walked towards him he walked towards me. I thought he would run as I never tried to approach him before, but he came right to the bottom of the step where I was standing, and was watching me intently.
I opened the can and sprinkled some seeds on the ground right beside him; he calmly reached over and started eating. I sprinkled a few handfuls there for him and his other friends, and they also came and gladly ate. For the first time in a long time I felt a familiar feeling stirring within me…it almost felt like the warmth coming back to my soul.
I have always been soft hearted, and I have a want to love all who are around me, from people to nature and all that is in between. But life has always kept that feeling from coming completely forward. I want that feeling to continue; I always felt like I could get lost in this feeling, and somehow join with it, when these wonderful things happen.
I often wonder if I put myself in a place where only nature and I existed what would happen. I think I might find this oneness I heard about a few times. It is such a strong feeling when it happens, and I have missed it this last while back. Maybe I am just full of myself I don’t know, but I always felt there was something, a pull if you will, to try and find out… maybe someday I will.
Tonight is the full moon; I have always felt her pull. I feel her tonight and would love to go out and greet her as she arrives, but I must be so careful now as it is still not safe for me to be out and about. But would I love to watch her climb in the sky, while looking over the water. Water also has a very strong affect on me, and the combination of the two would be a wonder to experience.
Maybe one day I will be able to do that, go by myself to a beach and watch in wonderment, as I see nature doing what has become an un-exciting event to many. If I had a choice this is how I would re-fill my emptied soul, I would fill it with nature, nurture, and love. I would rekindle that spark which I once experienced through my walks, and from truly and purely caring for others, and wanting nothing in return but that wonderful feeling one gets from doing right and good.
This; I now realize is honestly what I miss the most. I could never put these thoughts down at one time, I would have been afraid of ridicule, but now it really doesn’t matter what those people think anymore.
When I feel that warmth filling my soul, I could almost burst with it; and then I would want to wrap it around the world for all to feel,knowing this would be right. And know; if I ever find a way of sharing that feeling, I will, be very sure I will.
Until next time,
Pixie:)
I have a story I will share with you, for some it will mean nothing, but for me it is a returning to things the way they use to be. I was visiting with my friend at work yesterday afternoon, when in the door flew this moth or miller, I am not sure which it was, it was mostly black.
It flew in and circled around me, and I said to my friend look at that, we were very excited as this little creature circled. I finally said jokingly, ok now calm down and come and sit with us, my friend caught right on and said yes do settle down a bit.
I held out my hand and it landed there as if right on cue, we sat and talked to this little visitor not believing it was actually inside sitting with us. It was walking around on my hand and made itself at home, it was tickling my hand as it did so, and I found it hard not to scratch :) Finally I said to my friend I need to let him out before he gets hurt in here, she wanted the same for our little friend.
So I went into the dining room and found a place to slip him out, he flew away but left behind a wonderful conversation with my friend and I. I reminded her today about our friend because she did forget about him, but I will keep reminding her about it.
Tonight I was tired after a hard but good day at work, and had a nap on my couch; I was awakened by the sound of a bird chirping by my door. So I sat up, and when I did the chirping stopped, so I went out and sat and watched the birds and chipmunks making their nightly rounds.
The birds are very nervous except for one, he is not bothered by my presents and always looks at me when I go out, and then continues with his feed. The chipmunks seems to have accepted me as well, I always save the heels off my bread for them, and now they seem to look for it.
I watched them running about for a while and realized the birds and the chipmunks had all the seeds cleaned up from the ground. I thought about the sunflower seeds I had inside and went for them, when I came out chipmunk look directly at me, and as I walked towards him he walked towards me. I thought he would run as I never tried to approach him before, but he came right to the bottom of the step where I was standing, and was watching me intently.
I opened the can and sprinkled some seeds on the ground right beside him; he calmly reached over and started eating. I sprinkled a few handfuls there for him and his other friends, and they also came and gladly ate. For the first time in a long time I felt a familiar feeling stirring within me…it almost felt like the warmth coming back to my soul.
I have always been soft hearted, and I have a want to love all who are around me, from people to nature and all that is in between. But life has always kept that feeling from coming completely forward. I want that feeling to continue; I always felt like I could get lost in this feeling, and somehow join with it, when these wonderful things happen.
I often wonder if I put myself in a place where only nature and I existed what would happen. I think I might find this oneness I heard about a few times. It is such a strong feeling when it happens, and I have missed it this last while back. Maybe I am just full of myself I don’t know, but I always felt there was something, a pull if you will, to try and find out… maybe someday I will.
Tonight is the full moon; I have always felt her pull. I feel her tonight and would love to go out and greet her as she arrives, but I must be so careful now as it is still not safe for me to be out and about. But would I love to watch her climb in the sky, while looking over the water. Water also has a very strong affect on me, and the combination of the two would be a wonder to experience.
Maybe one day I will be able to do that, go by myself to a beach and watch in wonderment, as I see nature doing what has become an un-exciting event to many. If I had a choice this is how I would re-fill my emptied soul, I would fill it with nature, nurture, and love. I would rekindle that spark which I once experienced through my walks, and from truly and purely caring for others, and wanting nothing in return but that wonderful feeling one gets from doing right and good.
This; I now realize is honestly what I miss the most. I could never put these thoughts down at one time, I would have been afraid of ridicule, but now it really doesn’t matter what those people think anymore.
When I feel that warmth filling my soul, I could almost burst with it; and then I would want to wrap it around the world for all to feel,knowing this would be right. And know; if I ever find a way of sharing that feeling, I will, be very sure I will.
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Monday, August 27, 2007
Nice Night
Hello again,
You know, I am getting use to writing on here just about everyday. I now look forward to telling who ever wants to listen about my days.
Some of you may be wondering if things have eased a bit with my X, well I would say yes but not completely. I don't want to give to many details yet, but some things are still happening. But compared to what has already happened they are mild.
I am trying to keep my guard up, but I am wishing the worse to be over...well it is a thought anyway. My mind has become clearer, and I have begun to laugh again. My friend and I went out for supper tonight, and then went for some soul food...now I know what you are thinking...what is soul food. Well tonight it was in the form of a ice cream flurry at the Tasty Freeze...mini m&m's, oh so good:)
The soul doesn't care what size your waist is, it only wants to enjoy something that tastes so good that it has to be sinful, or soulful:) I did laugh again tonight, and for once I focused more on my friend and her troubles. You see my friend has a very full plate of troubles that she deals with on a daily basis. This just goes to show how good a friend she is, she is always worried about me and not herself.
I need to start taking better care of her, now that my mind has finally come to a place where it can cope for now. So my friend be prepared, I am going to try and get you to talk more about your problems, so you can vent and scream if need be, I am ready thanks to you:)
I am going to call it a night as I am going to have a very busy day tomorrow at work. Thank goodness for work, it gets me through the day, and if I want to be to tired to think...that is what I do, and tomorrow will be one of those days.
And girls, although it might be short lived, there is almost a calm for now. If yours hasn't come yet, hold on, it will. But I won't promise it will last, so enjoy it as much as you can while you can. I am definitely trying too.
Good night and take care,
Pixie:)
You know, I am getting use to writing on here just about everyday. I now look forward to telling who ever wants to listen about my days.
Some of you may be wondering if things have eased a bit with my X, well I would say yes but not completely. I don't want to give to many details yet, but some things are still happening. But compared to what has already happened they are mild.
I am trying to keep my guard up, but I am wishing the worse to be over...well it is a thought anyway. My mind has become clearer, and I have begun to laugh again. My friend and I went out for supper tonight, and then went for some soul food...now I know what you are thinking...what is soul food. Well tonight it was in the form of a ice cream flurry at the Tasty Freeze...mini m&m's, oh so good:)
The soul doesn't care what size your waist is, it only wants to enjoy something that tastes so good that it has to be sinful, or soulful:) I did laugh again tonight, and for once I focused more on my friend and her troubles. You see my friend has a very full plate of troubles that she deals with on a daily basis. This just goes to show how good a friend she is, she is always worried about me and not herself.
I need to start taking better care of her, now that my mind has finally come to a place where it can cope for now. So my friend be prepared, I am going to try and get you to talk more about your problems, so you can vent and scream if need be, I am ready thanks to you:)
I am going to call it a night as I am going to have a very busy day tomorrow at work. Thank goodness for work, it gets me through the day, and if I want to be to tired to think...that is what I do, and tomorrow will be one of those days.
And girls, although it might be short lived, there is almost a calm for now. If yours hasn't come yet, hold on, it will. But I won't promise it will last, so enjoy it as much as you can while you can. I am definitely trying too.
Good night and take care,
Pixie:)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Day of thought
Hello again,
Today seems to be a deep contemplation day; I spent most of trying to look forward to see what might await me. It is hard to do that under the circumstances, but I did manage to make some decisions. After sitting a starring at the waves at the beach today I allow myself to think a head a bit, by trying to decide if I want to remain single or if eventually I want to get involved again in another relationship.
I decided I don’t mind being alone so much, but I don’t think it is something I would want to be permanent. Does that mean I am looking, no. It would have to happen naturally, and this time I would have to know without a doubt it was right. I would also make sure they held some of my interests, but they would have to have different ones of their own to share.
That would be another important fact, sharing. I believe sharing and caring become one in the same, once the sharing stops so does the caring in my opinion. This person who probably doesn’t exist, would also have to enjoy music, quiet evenings listening to different kinds of music as we look deeply into each others eyes…now girls how does that sound? Sounds good to me:)
I don’t watch a lot of T.V. but when we would, it would be snuggled together comfortably, not on opposite sides of the room. Imagine, short moon light walks, and occasional nights of sleeping under the stars, cuddling close to keep warm…ok girl’s breath with me now. Maybe we expect too much from potential partners these days.
But I have given this a great deal of thought and I will continue with this imaginary man.
Things that would be very important are those little things that no one thinks about anymore. I am talking about a guy opening a door for you, looking you in the eyes when talking to you, and most important, looking you in the eyes before that wonderful kiss…ok girl’s maybe I went to far that time…cold water helps:)
If we are asking lets ask for it all shall we? Well how about the other little things that people may call silly but they would be so great. The one thing that I truly like is someone playing with my hair; no I don’t mean messing it up, I mean slowing running their finger through it in a gentle massage…is it getting warm in here, ha ha. Seriously, those little things are so important in life. I would take a foot massage over an expensive dinner any day, a walk on the beach over a day trip, and most important, a man who is not afraid to kiss my forehead in public to show how he feels.
Those of you who are still in a marriage and all of these things have stopped or simply never existed, maybe it is worth a try to rekindle things. To tell you the truth, at the beginning of this year I tried very hard to get my X to do just a couple of these things, but all I met was resistance and those dam words…”Don’t be so foolish”! Oh how I have come to hate those words.
Now back on track, I am kind of enjoying creating my perfect man. Now the only other thing that I did think about for my dream man was of course a flower, not a bunch, just a single flower to represent the thought that says, “I am thinking about you”.
Will I ever find this dream man, no I doubt that he even exists, but if I had to think about this today this is what I would want before I would even consider another relationship…but somehow I think it will be a long lonely life if I look for him…but girl’s, there is always fantasy, and I have already met him there… and oh what fun we have...now I need a shower! :)) See what happens when I finally get some peace and quiet:)
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Today seems to be a deep contemplation day; I spent most of trying to look forward to see what might await me. It is hard to do that under the circumstances, but I did manage to make some decisions. After sitting a starring at the waves at the beach today I allow myself to think a head a bit, by trying to decide if I want to remain single or if eventually I want to get involved again in another relationship.
I decided I don’t mind being alone so much, but I don’t think it is something I would want to be permanent. Does that mean I am looking, no. It would have to happen naturally, and this time I would have to know without a doubt it was right. I would also make sure they held some of my interests, but they would have to have different ones of their own to share.
That would be another important fact, sharing. I believe sharing and caring become one in the same, once the sharing stops so does the caring in my opinion. This person who probably doesn’t exist, would also have to enjoy music, quiet evenings listening to different kinds of music as we look deeply into each others eyes…now girls how does that sound? Sounds good to me:)
I don’t watch a lot of T.V. but when we would, it would be snuggled together comfortably, not on opposite sides of the room. Imagine, short moon light walks, and occasional nights of sleeping under the stars, cuddling close to keep warm…ok girl’s breath with me now. Maybe we expect too much from potential partners these days.
But I have given this a great deal of thought and I will continue with this imaginary man.
Things that would be very important are those little things that no one thinks about anymore. I am talking about a guy opening a door for you, looking you in the eyes when talking to you, and most important, looking you in the eyes before that wonderful kiss…ok girl’s maybe I went to far that time…cold water helps:)
If we are asking lets ask for it all shall we? Well how about the other little things that people may call silly but they would be so great. The one thing that I truly like is someone playing with my hair; no I don’t mean messing it up, I mean slowing running their finger through it in a gentle massage…is it getting warm in here, ha ha. Seriously, those little things are so important in life. I would take a foot massage over an expensive dinner any day, a walk on the beach over a day trip, and most important, a man who is not afraid to kiss my forehead in public to show how he feels.
Those of you who are still in a marriage and all of these things have stopped or simply never existed, maybe it is worth a try to rekindle things. To tell you the truth, at the beginning of this year I tried very hard to get my X to do just a couple of these things, but all I met was resistance and those dam words…”Don’t be so foolish”! Oh how I have come to hate those words.
Now back on track, I am kind of enjoying creating my perfect man. Now the only other thing that I did think about for my dream man was of course a flower, not a bunch, just a single flower to represent the thought that says, “I am thinking about you”.
Will I ever find this dream man, no I doubt that he even exists, but if I had to think about this today this is what I would want before I would even consider another relationship…but somehow I think it will be a long lonely life if I look for him…but girl’s, there is always fantasy, and I have already met him there… and oh what fun we have...now I need a shower! :)) See what happens when I finally get some peace and quiet:)
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Great Escape
Hello,
Today I was kidnapped by my best friend and her mother, what a wonderful day we had.
It was so nice knowing I wouldn't have to worry today, we went to the Greenwood Mall in the Valley. Then we went to Berwick, a place I have never been, and then we went to New Minus, another place I have never been.
Now I did receive two calls from the police about my X uttering threats about me, and finally someone was will to stand up to state it too police, and she was willing to go to court as well. But because of the wording of the conversation I wasn't able to lay charges or I would have. Another bit of information in a growing file against him. My friend just now called me and told me my X was driving around down there today. People saw him driving very slowly past her place, I do hope this madness soon ends.
But I pushed that all aside in an effort to enjoy this day of freedom to the fullest extent that I could. I did pick up some things I probably shouldn't have but everything was on a great sale I couldn't resist. Then I saw something I just about flipped over...a beautiful pink winter jacket...oh it was so nice and fur lined. I tried it on and it fit perfectly, but I put it back. It was 50 bucks which was a good price for that type of jacket, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money right now...but it was so nice. I kept saying to the girls all day, what a pretty pink jacket, and we would all laugh over that:)
Anyway, we had a very nice lunch at A&W. Of course I wasn't allowed to pay for that...and I did want to, but for some reason no one was listening to me:) Then more shopping, it was very hot in the Valley today but beautiful. Then around 6 we hit New Minus, we decided on Chinese food for supper...yup, not allowed to pay again:)
It was all you could eat, and boy did we eat! I think I tried a little of everything, from the sweet and sour chicken, scollop's, and wings too the ribs! Oh my I didn't think I would be able to move and then my friend said well, it is time for desert...well I didn't know where I was going to put it but away we went:)
We decided on ice cream, but I had a dilemma...did I want death by chocolate, or bears paws...I finally said to Kelly I can't make up my mind...now she is a fast thinker and said, "Why are you trying to figure it out, take a scoop of both"...here finally was some logic I could sink my teeth into...and that is just what I did!
It truly was a great day, thank you both so much. Neither of you will ever know how much I really appreciated and enjoyed this day for a change. It has been the best day I had since July the 4th, and I can honestly say that because I spent that day with my friend as well. I will say to you both, kidnap me anytime you want, I will be a willing participant:)
I am finally just beginning to unwind for the night, it is so muggy here that sleep will be difficult, but at least I will close my eyes with good thoughts, and maybe even have a smile on my face as I finally go to meet the sandman.
I wish you all a pleasant night,
Pixie:)
Today I was kidnapped by my best friend and her mother, what a wonderful day we had.
It was so nice knowing I wouldn't have to worry today, we went to the Greenwood Mall in the Valley. Then we went to Berwick, a place I have never been, and then we went to New Minus, another place I have never been.
Now I did receive two calls from the police about my X uttering threats about me, and finally someone was will to stand up to state it too police, and she was willing to go to court as well. But because of the wording of the conversation I wasn't able to lay charges or I would have. Another bit of information in a growing file against him. My friend just now called me and told me my X was driving around down there today. People saw him driving very slowly past her place, I do hope this madness soon ends.
But I pushed that all aside in an effort to enjoy this day of freedom to the fullest extent that I could. I did pick up some things I probably shouldn't have but everything was on a great sale I couldn't resist. Then I saw something I just about flipped over...a beautiful pink winter jacket...oh it was so nice and fur lined. I tried it on and it fit perfectly, but I put it back. It was 50 bucks which was a good price for that type of jacket, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money right now...but it was so nice. I kept saying to the girls all day, what a pretty pink jacket, and we would all laugh over that:)
Anyway, we had a very nice lunch at A&W. Of course I wasn't allowed to pay for that...and I did want to, but for some reason no one was listening to me:) Then more shopping, it was very hot in the Valley today but beautiful. Then around 6 we hit New Minus, we decided on Chinese food for supper...yup, not allowed to pay again:)
It was all you could eat, and boy did we eat! I think I tried a little of everything, from the sweet and sour chicken, scollop's, and wings too the ribs! Oh my I didn't think I would be able to move and then my friend said well, it is time for desert...well I didn't know where I was going to put it but away we went:)
We decided on ice cream, but I had a dilemma...did I want death by chocolate, or bears paws...I finally said to Kelly I can't make up my mind...now she is a fast thinker and said, "Why are you trying to figure it out, take a scoop of both"...here finally was some logic I could sink my teeth into...and that is just what I did!
It truly was a great day, thank you both so much. Neither of you will ever know how much I really appreciated and enjoyed this day for a change. It has been the best day I had since July the 4th, and I can honestly say that because I spent that day with my friend as well. I will say to you both, kidnap me anytime you want, I will be a willing participant:)
I am finally just beginning to unwind for the night, it is so muggy here that sleep will be difficult, but at least I will close my eyes with good thoughts, and maybe even have a smile on my face as I finally go to meet the sandman.
I wish you all a pleasant night,
Pixie:)
Good Day
Hello,
I think today is going to be a good day, my friend is picking me up and we are going somewhere all day. I won't say where yet, but tonight or tomorrow I will tell you all about it.
Also there have been some improvements concerning my family. Things are still very rocky but there is a slow moving forward happening.
Could it be that a few things will now straighten out?
I better not get my hopes to high just yet.
Have a good Saturday everyone,
Pixie
I think today is going to be a good day, my friend is picking me up and we are going somewhere all day. I won't say where yet, but tonight or tomorrow I will tell you all about it.
Also there have been some improvements concerning my family. Things are still very rocky but there is a slow moving forward happening.
Could it be that a few things will now straighten out?
I better not get my hopes to high just yet.
Have a good Saturday everyone,
Pixie
Thursday, August 23, 2007
For you
Good morning,
I have decided to give everyone who reads my blog a treat today.
I am not going to complain or try to explain my situation.
This morning I feel thankful, I don't know why yet but I do. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, and comments. They have meant a great deal to me lately.
Once again I want to thank my best friend Kelly, who literally picked me up when this all started going bad, and never let go:)
Someday I will thank you by spoiling you rotten, and you will deserve it.
If everyone in the world had a good friend like Kelly, there would be far less grief in this world. So for all the good and best friends in this world, this tribute is too you.
Thank you from everyone you have helped and touched, and know you are making a difference in a world that has become so harsh.
Maybe...just maybe, you all are the light:)
Good thoughts,
Thank you,
Ann
I have decided to give everyone who reads my blog a treat today.
I am not going to complain or try to explain my situation.
This morning I feel thankful, I don't know why yet but I do. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, and comments. They have meant a great deal to me lately.
Once again I want to thank my best friend Kelly, who literally picked me up when this all started going bad, and never let go:)
Someday I will thank you by spoiling you rotten, and you will deserve it.
If everyone in the world had a good friend like Kelly, there would be far less grief in this world. So for all the good and best friends in this world, this tribute is too you.
Thank you from everyone you have helped and touched, and know you are making a difference in a world that has become so harsh.
Maybe...just maybe, you all are the light:)
Good thoughts,
Thank you,
Ann
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Better
Hi,
It has remained quiet the last few days, and I am grateful for that. There are still some issue's coming forward from my family but that by itself I can deal with.
My best friend Kelly came up last night and we went to Wal-mart and Zellers for a while. I forgot how nice it was to go somewhere and not worry about being alone and about my car getting it again. I believe I even laughed a few times:)
I am not foolish enough to think the worse is behind me, I know different. There are some things in the works that will literally stir the pot again, but they must be done.
What really amazes me is that after 25 years together we can't agree how to settle this without going through the courts. But push has come to shove, and I am very tired of being pushed!
So hold on tight when it hits the fan, it is going to spatter far and wide...but I have already lost my freedom, and most of my friends, and family...so he is slowly losing ammunition to use on me.
I have finally began to sleep most of the night which has helped my mind a lot. Maybe now is the time to start moving and pushing forward...into whatever waits for me at the other end of this hell on earth.
I believe it is the calm before the storm,
Pixie
It has remained quiet the last few days, and I am grateful for that. There are still some issue's coming forward from my family but that by itself I can deal with.
My best friend Kelly came up last night and we went to Wal-mart and Zellers for a while. I forgot how nice it was to go somewhere and not worry about being alone and about my car getting it again. I believe I even laughed a few times:)
I am not foolish enough to think the worse is behind me, I know different. There are some things in the works that will literally stir the pot again, but they must be done.
What really amazes me is that after 25 years together we can't agree how to settle this without going through the courts. But push has come to shove, and I am very tired of being pushed!
So hold on tight when it hits the fan, it is going to spatter far and wide...but I have already lost my freedom, and most of my friends, and family...so he is slowly losing ammunition to use on me.
I have finally began to sleep most of the night which has helped my mind a lot. Maybe now is the time to start moving and pushing forward...into whatever waits for me at the other end of this hell on earth.
I believe it is the calm before the storm,
Pixie
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Confusing Thoughts
Hello,
I have decided to try and explain how I am dealing with my situation. This is very hard for me to do, but knowing there are others out there going through rough times helps me to share this with you. You will find my thought process confusing because I do. I will not try and sort it out, but rather I will let my mind have its say, understandable or not I will write it.
The hardest thing for me to deal with is the loss of my freedom; I still take a chance every now and then and go to the mall or to different places. For the most part I go to work and then stay home, I worked most of this weekend and that helped, at least I am not alone at work and the residents where I work are sent right from heaven.
Some how they know things aren’t right, even though I don’t tell them, and in their own way they help me by giving me a wonderful smile. I believe the sharing of a smile is sent from the soul. If it is genuine you can feel the warmth from it spread throughout your entire being. There is one particular resident that I call my friend, she somehow has become my way. By that I mean we share at least 15 minutes a day together, everyday that I am there. She is a wonderful 92 years old, and I look forward to seeing her just about everyday.
She has come to look forward to these meetings as I have, thankfully, she doesn’t remember if I am having a bad day or moment. I try to stay away at these times; my purpose is for her to enjoy our time together as I do. I have such a strong sense that I need to spend as much time with her as possible, but I don’t know why. When my godmother passed away last year, I found it hard knowing she wasn’t there anymore.
Somehow my friend filled that void; she also knew and went to school with my godmother, so we freely have good conversation about her.
It may be a mistake getting this close to someone after all my hurt, but she has become a part of me and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world. I care for her very deeply, she is in my heart and no matter what, that is where she will remain. I use to visit her evenings, I find the hours of 6 though 9 so hard to deal with for some reason. So I would jump into my car and visit her. She is blessed with a wonderful family, they visit her a lot and usually there is someone in with her every evening. I have come to like them as well; there was always a laugh to be had no matter how upset I was. I don’t know, maybe seeing that kind of a bond in a family fascinated me. Maybe I stepped out of bounds with them I don’t know.
But because of complications I had to stop these visits, I miss them terribly, but what can I do. I can not knowingly take a chance that a confrontation would happen around any of them. One family member in particular is very uncomfortable with this situation, as he was friends with us both. I have ended that friendship so now he should be comfortable again.
You see my X still visits this place on occasion so I must be weary, especially at night. Since the car chase I really don’t know what might happen now, but I will not take it there. If I am working I can’t help for it and the police would be called, but I can’t justify a visit that just might cause trouble or upset for anyone.
Now I sit and wonder how these things have shut me out of my life. I have found a way of dealing with my X in my thought process, to me the man I married died many years ago. I wondered why I was so upset over this break up when in my heart I think I knew long ago it was over. I now realize I was in mourning. I mourned the man I married… for you see I did love him.
The person who now has his name is a stranger to me and someone not to be trusted. Physically and mentally I do fear him, I have felt his strength and know I am no match for it. That is something else I am having trouble with, the loss of control in my life. As weird as it sounds, these strange thoughts keep coming to my mind. I blame it on all the stress but, my mind seems to keep telling me there is someone out there meant for me, now this is the last thing on my mind I can tell you, and I wonder if anyone else gets these strange thoughts. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I only mention it because it has become a constant thought lately and I don’t understand it after all this hurt.
Actually if I am completely honest…it is a moment that I think might have happened, I blocked so many things out in this last year I no longer know what was real and what wasn’t. But it was a look, yup a simple look, but a look that allowed me glances into someone’s soul, and that keeps almost haunting me now. I think I have just simply lost it. Maybe I am just trying to cover up so much pain that I would put anything there, real or not.
I have always had an over active imagination and I admit that freely. But this look that I refer to seems so…real, I was entranced and couldn’t move and I think when it did end, I just walked away, because I didn’t understand what it meant or what it was. I guess I never will.
Maybe I am trying to create that night in shining armour, who will come and sweep me off my feet, with a pure love so strong I wouldn’t be able to resist…ya right! Now back to my reality which really sucks, maybe my mind is just trying to create something or someplace to keep me going through this mess, who knows.
Right now I am stuck in the middle, I cannot go forward and I will never go back. Now that I have lost all but one of my family members, there are no side roads to take. I have seriously considered moving to a different place and starting all over again, but I can not leave those behind who have stayed by my side and those I still care about. So I wait, I have never liked waiting but I now know there is no choice for me.
Tonight I watched the brook beside my place running wild and free, how I wished I was that water, running full strength, slamming into anything in my way, not backing down from anyone or anything.
Running like the wind, going where I will, and flowing with a high rate of excitement and a want for life.
Not long ago this brook was just about dry, only a trickle of life could be seen, now a fierce and might strength flows though it…I hope one day that will be me…again.
Confusing thoughts,
Pixie
I have decided to try and explain how I am dealing with my situation. This is very hard for me to do, but knowing there are others out there going through rough times helps me to share this with you. You will find my thought process confusing because I do. I will not try and sort it out, but rather I will let my mind have its say, understandable or not I will write it.
The hardest thing for me to deal with is the loss of my freedom; I still take a chance every now and then and go to the mall or to different places. For the most part I go to work and then stay home, I worked most of this weekend and that helped, at least I am not alone at work and the residents where I work are sent right from heaven.
Some how they know things aren’t right, even though I don’t tell them, and in their own way they help me by giving me a wonderful smile. I believe the sharing of a smile is sent from the soul. If it is genuine you can feel the warmth from it spread throughout your entire being. There is one particular resident that I call my friend, she somehow has become my way. By that I mean we share at least 15 minutes a day together, everyday that I am there. She is a wonderful 92 years old, and I look forward to seeing her just about everyday.
She has come to look forward to these meetings as I have, thankfully, she doesn’t remember if I am having a bad day or moment. I try to stay away at these times; my purpose is for her to enjoy our time together as I do. I have such a strong sense that I need to spend as much time with her as possible, but I don’t know why. When my godmother passed away last year, I found it hard knowing she wasn’t there anymore.
Somehow my friend filled that void; she also knew and went to school with my godmother, so we freely have good conversation about her.
It may be a mistake getting this close to someone after all my hurt, but she has become a part of me and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world. I care for her very deeply, she is in my heart and no matter what, that is where she will remain. I use to visit her evenings, I find the hours of 6 though 9 so hard to deal with for some reason. So I would jump into my car and visit her. She is blessed with a wonderful family, they visit her a lot and usually there is someone in with her every evening. I have come to like them as well; there was always a laugh to be had no matter how upset I was. I don’t know, maybe seeing that kind of a bond in a family fascinated me. Maybe I stepped out of bounds with them I don’t know.
But because of complications I had to stop these visits, I miss them terribly, but what can I do. I can not knowingly take a chance that a confrontation would happen around any of them. One family member in particular is very uncomfortable with this situation, as he was friends with us both. I have ended that friendship so now he should be comfortable again.
You see my X still visits this place on occasion so I must be weary, especially at night. Since the car chase I really don’t know what might happen now, but I will not take it there. If I am working I can’t help for it and the police would be called, but I can’t justify a visit that just might cause trouble or upset for anyone.
Now I sit and wonder how these things have shut me out of my life. I have found a way of dealing with my X in my thought process, to me the man I married died many years ago. I wondered why I was so upset over this break up when in my heart I think I knew long ago it was over. I now realize I was in mourning. I mourned the man I married… for you see I did love him.
The person who now has his name is a stranger to me and someone not to be trusted. Physically and mentally I do fear him, I have felt his strength and know I am no match for it. That is something else I am having trouble with, the loss of control in my life. As weird as it sounds, these strange thoughts keep coming to my mind. I blame it on all the stress but, my mind seems to keep telling me there is someone out there meant for me, now this is the last thing on my mind I can tell you, and I wonder if anyone else gets these strange thoughts. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I only mention it because it has become a constant thought lately and I don’t understand it after all this hurt.
Actually if I am completely honest…it is a moment that I think might have happened, I blocked so many things out in this last year I no longer know what was real and what wasn’t. But it was a look, yup a simple look, but a look that allowed me glances into someone’s soul, and that keeps almost haunting me now. I think I have just simply lost it. Maybe I am just trying to cover up so much pain that I would put anything there, real or not.
I have always had an over active imagination and I admit that freely. But this look that I refer to seems so…real, I was entranced and couldn’t move and I think when it did end, I just walked away, because I didn’t understand what it meant or what it was. I guess I never will.
Maybe I am trying to create that night in shining armour, who will come and sweep me off my feet, with a pure love so strong I wouldn’t be able to resist…ya right! Now back to my reality which really sucks, maybe my mind is just trying to create something or someplace to keep me going through this mess, who knows.
Right now I am stuck in the middle, I cannot go forward and I will never go back. Now that I have lost all but one of my family members, there are no side roads to take. I have seriously considered moving to a different place and starting all over again, but I can not leave those behind who have stayed by my side and those I still care about. So I wait, I have never liked waiting but I now know there is no choice for me.
Tonight I watched the brook beside my place running wild and free, how I wished I was that water, running full strength, slamming into anything in my way, not backing down from anyone or anything.
Running like the wind, going where I will, and flowing with a high rate of excitement and a want for life.
Not long ago this brook was just about dry, only a trickle of life could be seen, now a fierce and might strength flows though it…I hope one day that will be me…again.
Confusing thoughts,
Pixie
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Back Again
Hello,
I guess I have some explaining to do to those of you who actually read my blog. I was in the dollar store tonight and someone recognized me from my blog, to say that surprised me is putting it mildly. I don’t know your name but thank you, because of you, I decided if anyone who reads my misery can in someway know they are not alone, or maybe feel like this is better than a soap opera, well that would make it worth continuing.
I think in my last entry before I deleted it again, I was complaining about how un-fair this legal system is. As I said I didn’t do anything wrong except try to keep a marriage going that I now believe died long ago. I will tell you some of the details that lead to my decision to end my blog…twice.
My X tried to screw around for the second time in our twenty year marriage, he wanted his cake and eat it too, but you see I don’t bake that kind of cake and I never will.
If I can remain faithful, then I expect my partner to be faithful as well. Have I been temped over the years…of course I have. But part of my character is commitment, it takes me a long time to make a commitment, but when I do I try very hard to stick with it no matter how tempted I am. Was I looking for temptation… no!
Sometimes things just happen that way. That is why I do understand the temptation we all face throughout our lives, but the only thing that will ever stop the temptation, is ourselves.
So I ended this marriage,or rather he did by his actions. Knowing it was over, but because of our financial situation we tried to live together as room mates. After all that is what I felt like anyway for the last couple of years. As long as I paid my half of the bills, that was really all he cared about... that and the fringe benefits of living together, I am sure you all know what that means. Yes I am going to be honest with you, and this is exactly as I see it. Just remember this is my point of view, and I am sure his would be different.
Lets just say this arrangement didn’t work very well, the more he came to understand I was serious, the more uncomfortable I felt under the same roof. He kept wanting me to forgive him because as he said…but she said no so nothing happened…now if I attempt to answer that I will be banned… so I will let that remark stand as it is.
Things started happening to my car, like someone smeared something all over it, and someone put paint stripper, or furniture polish remover on my car fender, and yes the paint did peel off.
No, there were no witnesses and no proof who done it, and there never will be is my guess. After this happened to my car I had a very big disagreement with my X that night. I was almost choked this night, this has not yet gone to court, so it is not proven. Then after a struggle and a frantic attempt to escape, I was once again detained. When I finally got out I did call police and then to top it all off my family got into a physical confrontation with him directly after.
Now I don’t mind telling you my state of mind at this point was none thinking, things became as in a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. Now I will also say; because I am trying to be as honest, that was the first and only time he ever abused me in our 25 year relationship. And remember this is only my version of what happened, none of this has been proven yet.
I was beginning to realize before this incidents, that I soon needed to get out, I was for the first time in this relationship living in fear because I knew something was going to happen, I just didn’t know when or what.
Well because I was trying to find a way out and actively looking for a place, the police decided I had to leave my home. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was in shock after the confrontation with him,then he physically attacked my family and they tell me I had to get out. I am still not dealing well with that fact. But I did go and I did find a place with lots of help from my best friend, I never would have gotten through this without you Kelly, thank you again for then and now.
Since then I have had more damage to my car, someone took something and deeply scratched my car in the Zellers parking lot last Saturday. For those of you who don’t know, I always wanted a new car. Finally I went out and bought one, I made all the payments on it, and I take care of all maintenance and insurance costs. I never received any help from my X with this vehicle, so yes I consider it fully mine.
But you see my story only begins here, once I was out I only had a few things. And the one very important thing I needed for many reasons was my computer. I took a day off of work and I went and got it, I also heard things were being sold so that when we went to court what he considered his wouldn’t be counted as marital property. But that doesn’t matter because I can prove what we had, so it will just come out of his share. After getting my computer things got worse.
I didn’t bother getting a phone up here, because where I am staying is temporary. I decided to use my pay as you go cell until I was permanently moved. Well now the harassing phone calls started, I wouldn’t turn my phone off at night because of work calling me if needed.
Of course I called the police who couldn’t or wouldn’t trace the number; finally I changed my cell phone number and ended that.
Something else starting happening, you must understand by now that even though I have sought counseling for this trauma, I am pretty much a basket case. I had to stay home most of the time; I couldn’t go to the mall or anywhere because my car was always a target. The rumors were flying fast and furious about me leaving him for another women…hello…I like beef, not veil thank you. And then I was supposedly having affairs with two men, and you can just imagine some of the other things being said.
I was stuck at home, alone and miserable and yet the rumors had me in the swing of things to say the least. I started to notice a lot of friends backing away; as things progressed I truly believe people didn’t want to be near me for fear of themselves and their property. Because it seemed like no one ever got caught and things just keep happening. So as I suffered people left, with valid reasons mind you, I know all about being in fear, and how it makes you feel all to well.
Eventually there was only a few people left, and most of them went away as being uncomfortable. Those that didn’t say they wanted me to stay away… well I let them go. You see they are right, my friendship is not worth damage to their property, or to themselves, and I agree, this is not their fight.
I thought I pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel, but you know when things go bad they also get worse. A few things happened that I won’t mention here, yet… and basically I had a high speed chase after work one day to try and get away from my X.
I was on my cell with 911 and eventually they found me and arrested him. He spent the night in jail; and me...I get to live in even more fear. How is my story so far…and remember I didn’t end this marriage he did.
There are also more issues in this case that I can’t discuss, but involve my family. On Thursday gone by I received a call at work from my family, and was basically told this whole mess was entirely my fault and that I wasn’t welcome any more.
You know this boat is just about sunk, I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with it all, and so I shut it off. I can’t and won’t deal with it now, I will pretend this isn’t my life and I am having a nightmare. This is how I manage to get through my days. I will stay away from everyone so that they are protected, I don’t know how long this will last but it is going to be a long lonely road. And just think, this all happened since July 6 2007.
I have found out I have 2 very good friends left, Kelly is one, and to protect the other I won’t use his name. But he has been checking up on me and bringing me a cooler every now and then, which has really helped.
I am now being told I should learn some self defense and defensive driving maneuvers, just incase.
I really don’t know about that, I still can’t believe this is and has happened. It is like I am dreaming and nothing is going to happen except for the misery part. You know I think I could be just fine alone, if I could go where I want, or even go walking again…but I don’t know when this will happen. And yes I have an order of protection in place but so far that seems to have failed me.
So now you know why I got so frustrated and just turned everything off. It has been two days since anything has happened and I know it is only a matter of time before the next incident happens. I will not give up, or I hope I don’t, because this should not happen to anyone.
Love doesn’t physically hurt, so that tells me I don’t know what love is, and I probably never will.
I can’t prove a lot of these things, but I can tell you this:
If I truly loved someone I would let them go before I would ever hurt them. I would live with the pain of losing them before I could ever consider doing anything to them.
And for those of you, who choose to help keep this madness going, remember this could be you one day, and you will be the one wondering why everyone has turned on you.
I will hopefully always have work, because if I can keep busy enough I don’t have to deal with this either. I don’t want to deal with it…but where is my choice…I don’t have one. I am living a nightmare. Except for a couple of people, no one really cares as long as it doesn’t involve them. But I also believe that everything in this life circles around, it comes back and re-looks at what happened and who did what. And sometimes the shoe does drop off of one foot onto the other. Do I wish this on anyone, NO! But I have lived long enough to see it happen more than once, and I am sure it will again.
But you know the funny thing about that, I am foolish enough to try and bail out a sinking ship... that is if one person is willing to try and save it. This is my major fault; I want to believe that there are good people out there. That some would go out of there way to help, and I have found only two out of many.
My friends are now helping me bail out this leaky boat,we are sinking fast, and I have to admit it really does look useless. But as long as they are willing participants, I will continue to try and float this wrecked ship.
I don’t know when or if there will be another post, if any of you are going through or have went through this, I am sorry for cutting you off. Sometimes I just feel like turning it all off and that is what I did.
Take care out there, and maybe God willing this boat will begin to rise again.
Unbelievable but true,
Pixie
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