A Calm

Hello,

I am in a calm again, I have once again let the anger go.

One major factor in my ability to try and go back to a calm is the people around me. My best friend is an inspiration to me in this regard, I have posted this photo of us together on my graduation night. It has come to serve as a symbol to me that we can all move forward if we can dig in our heels and vent the words when we need.

Many times I was tempted to walk away from finishing my quest for an education, but once again, encouragement from friends got me through these very rough waters. Now that I am in an even bigger storm, I am being swamped, but once again I am reaching for the strength that is around me.

I am also realizing putting my anger in the form of words is allowing me to vent without getting myself into trouble...because last night I seriously considered starting trouble in a very big way.

I am bored tonight so I will fill my time in a bit writing on here, so make yourselves comfortable.

My friend came to my place this morning around 11, after my late night last night I didn't get up before 8:30 this morning...shame on me:) But I was ready by the time Kelly got here.

I showed her my sanctuary today, she took lots of pictures. We spent about a half an hour exploring this place and I have to tell you, the anger I was feeling began to leave me. I know that sounds strange but there is something about this place, I feel it somehow penetrate the best part of me. I mentioned this to my friend but I could tell she didn't feel it. But I do know she enjoyed this place, it does have a calming effect about it.

Kelly I know you will read this blog, and I never mentioned this until now because I wanted you to think about it first before you answer me...yup I am a stinker still:) But do you remember the feeling that came over us today? We really and truly enjoyed ourselves, and for once we didn't feel rushed, and I didn't feel the need to watch my back. While at lunch I almost felt euphoric in my feelings of contentment, and I did feel very happy.

I think that one picture you took when I was putting my arms up, best shows the look and the feeling I was experiencing. Have a look and tell me now what your thoughts are of how this day went compared to all the others we have had together, don't get me wrong they are all great, but something was different about this day, and we only did one thing different.

My friend is also getting a tattoo, we went to talk to the person this morning who will be doing it for her. I hope my friend don't mind me explaining a little about the tattoo she is getting? If so let me know and I will edit this part.

Kelly knew she wanted a fairy, or I suggested a pixie, not because that is my Internet name, rather because it is my opinion of the differences in the two. To me an angel is innocent and pure...no I am not saying you are not pure:) But a pixie has a sense of humor...mischievousness if you will.

Oh yes you are mischievous, and yes I am too. To me a pixie is as angelic, but has a sense of humor not afforded to the angel. Although I see them as mischievous, they are also good and are protectors. Once they befriend someone, they remain that way for life. OK, that is enough of what I think on that subject, although I could go on as I find fantasy a place where I could live and love it there, but back to reality.

Kelly did agree to a pixie after seeing one that he showed her. Kelly wants the pixie kneeling in a Lotus flower, and she wants tears coming down the check of the pixie. I suggested to Kelly that I know why she wants this symbol, and I suggested a broken heart lying on the pixies hand. Now this is what she will have put on her leg in about two weeks time. I am so proud that she is going for something she wants and don't mind the thought of the pain she will suffer to get it...as I told you Kelly...you go girl, I will be there while you have it done. Just don't pretend to be in too much pain or I might faint! :)

We then left this place feeling that this was the right place, right time, and all was good. Then as I said at lunch this feeling continued, and I will tell you I still had feeling of getting some revenge this morning.

I am not proud of that fact, but I also know I need to vent this anger or it will fester and spread. I also know there is enough of that in this world, and I don't need to add to it, rather I want to find a way to help ease the hatred. I got up this morning and read my blog again, I felt the same bitterness swell inside of me.

What not many know is years ago, I use to loose my temper all the time. Any little thing would set me off, and after the anger subsided I knew this was bad. It almost seemed like the madder I got, the less control I had over any part of my life. I spent a lot of time alone at this time in my life, and that is when it happened the most. After a long extended period of this uncontrolled anger, I decided I had to stop this evil that seemed to be growing within me. I call it evil because that is what I have come to call anger, this is how I now understand it.

I of all people know how it can and will grow, it does fester and spread, and it will wipe out everything in its path because it has no understanding or want of understanding. It knows only anger, and hatred, it thrives on fear and the strength one gains when in this state. Make no mistake, it is a state of mind, not easily controlled, and requires a life time of discipline too refrain from former habits.

When I returned to my statuary this morning, I was reminded of that through this feeling I was trying to explain. Once I left this place with that understanding returning to me about the hazards of anger, I became almost myself again. I watched my friend become the same way as well. Before all the madness started, we could laugh and talk openly and freely. My friend, I must tell you , I truly enjoyed that feeling today and the experience that came with it, I only hope you in some small way felt that, and experienced it.

When I got home I decide to go visit my 92 year old friend, we had a pleasant visit as I still felt good. Something did happen before I got there though. I decided to get each of us an Icecap from Tim Horton's before I went. So I went to pull into the drive through, and who was sitting there waiting to pull out but my X! I immediately felt the anger return to the pit of my stomach.

He sat there looking directly at me with a big grin on his face and waved like he just saw his best friend...I dam near lost it. But I didn't look his way at all and drove on. I took a deep breath and I remembered my day with my friend and that wonderful feeling I had all day. Within a very short time I felt the calm come back. While I waited I watched this ass, drive back and forth, and I was amazed at how little I cared anymore for this thing...yes he will remain a thing to me.

I thought about the fact that the man I loved was dead, and this was just a weird stranger in my way. By now I was completely calm again, and the anger gone. I had a wonderful visit as I said with my friend. A couple of people came to tell me he was driving back and forth tooting the horn as he went by. I sat back in my chair, and I thought about that, and how silly he must look in the car he has now.

Yes he bought a different car, this one is red, with what looks like black waves going back over it with a black engine bonnet. It also has a scoop on the trunk.

It also has the big loud muffler on it, I imagined a young person driving that car and thought how appropriate that would be. Then I though about a 58 year old driving it, and trying to squeal his tires to show off...well I dam near lost it right then and there laughing! I finally got it!

He doesn't need me to do anything to him...he is doing a great job of looking foolish by himself! Now how is that for logic? Finally something to get me through these dam rough patches...and so dam funny!

So as you can see, my emotions go from one plain right to another in the span of a very short time. I do know I need to vent my anger, but I will do it here with the written word until the calm returns. I wish I would have stopped for a bottle today, because I tell you I think I would have some tonight to celebrate this Revelation!

It has taken me an hour to put this into writing, so be patient as you try to read and understand it. The point I am trying to make is, people keep telling me I soon have to break, or the anger must take over, or I have to do something to get back at him. Wouldn't that make me just like him? I truly can't stand him; and do I want people or myself to see me like that?

My answer is no.

Anger and revenge is not the answer, it will only add fuel to a fire that is already out of control.

I am hoping my approach is as water on the fire.

Consider what your anger really is,

Pixie;)