Confusing Thoughts

Hello,

I have decided to try and explain how I am dealing with my situation. This is very hard for me to do, but knowing there are others out there going through rough times helps me to share this with you. You will find my thought process confusing because I do. I will not try and sort it out, but rather I will let my mind have its say, understandable or not I will write it.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the loss of my freedom; I still take a chance every now and then and go to the mall or to different places. For the most part I go to work and then stay home, I worked most of this weekend and that helped, at least I am not alone at work and the residents where I work are sent right from heaven.

Some how they know things aren’t right, even though I don’t tell them, and in their own way they help me by giving me a wonderful smile. I believe the sharing of a smile is sent from the soul. If it is genuine you can feel the warmth from it spread throughout your entire being. There is one particular resident that I call my friend, she somehow has become my way. By that I mean we share at least 15 minutes a day together, everyday that I am there. She is a wonderful 92 years old, and I look forward to seeing her just about everyday.

She has come to look forward to these meetings as I have, thankfully, she doesn’t remember if I am having a bad day or moment. I try to stay away at these times; my purpose is for her to enjoy our time together as I do. I have such a strong sense that I need to spend as much time with her as possible, but I don’t know why. When my godmother passed away last year, I found it hard knowing she wasn’t there anymore.
Somehow my friend filled that void; she also knew and went to school with my godmother, so we freely have good conversation about her.

It may be a mistake getting this close to someone after all my hurt, but she has become a part of me and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world. I care for her very deeply, she is in my heart and no matter what, that is where she will remain. I use to visit her evenings, I find the hours of 6 though 9 so hard to deal with for some reason. So I would jump into my car and visit her. She is blessed with a wonderful family, they visit her a lot and usually there is someone in with her every evening. I have come to like them as well; there was always a laugh to be had no matter how upset I was. I don’t know, maybe seeing that kind of a bond in a family fascinated me. Maybe I stepped out of bounds with them I don’t know.

But because of complications I had to stop these visits, I miss them terribly, but what can I do. I can not knowingly take a chance that a confrontation would happen around any of them. One family member in particular is very uncomfortable with this situation, as he was friends with us both. I have ended that friendship so now he should be comfortable again.

You see my X still visits this place on occasion so I must be weary, especially at night. Since the car chase I really don’t know what might happen now, but I will not take it there. If I am working I can’t help for it and the police would be called, but I can’t justify a visit that just might cause trouble or upset for anyone.

Now I sit and wonder how these things have shut me out of my life. I have found a way of dealing with my X in my thought process, to me the man I married died many years ago. I wondered why I was so upset over this break up when in my heart I think I knew long ago it was over. I now realize I was in mourning. I mourned the man I married… for you see I did love him.

The person who now has his name is a stranger to me and someone not to be trusted. Physically and mentally I do fear him, I have felt his strength and know I am no match for it. That is something else I am having trouble with, the loss of control in my life. As weird as it sounds, these strange thoughts keep coming to my mind. I blame it on all the stress but, my mind seems to keep telling me there is someone out there meant for me, now this is the last thing on my mind I can tell you, and I wonder if anyone else gets these strange thoughts. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I only mention it because it has become a constant thought lately and I don’t understand it after all this hurt.

Actually if I am completely honest…it is a moment that I think might have happened, I blocked so many things out in this last year I no longer know what was real and what wasn’t. But it was a look, yup a simple look, but a look that allowed me glances into someone’s soul, and that keeps almost haunting me now. I think I have just simply lost it. Maybe I am just trying to cover up so much pain that I would put anything there, real or not.

I have always had an over active imagination and I admit that freely. But this look that I refer to seems so…real, I was entranced and couldn’t move and I think when it did end, I just walked away, because I didn’t understand what it meant or what it was. I guess I never will.

Maybe I am trying to create that night in shining armour, who will come and sweep me off my feet, with a pure love so strong I wouldn’t be able to resist…ya right! Now back to my reality which really sucks, maybe my mind is just trying to create something or someplace to keep me going through this mess, who knows.

Right now I am stuck in the middle, I cannot go forward and I will never go back. Now that I have lost all but one of my family members, there are no side roads to take. I have seriously considered moving to a different place and starting all over again, but I can not leave those behind who have stayed by my side and those I still care about. So I wait, I have never liked waiting but I now know there is no choice for me.

Tonight I watched the brook beside my place running wild and free, how I wished I was that water, running full strength, slamming into anything in my way, not backing down from anyone or anything.
Running like the wind, going where I will, and flowing with a high rate of excitement and a want for life.
Not long ago this brook was just about dry, only a trickle of life could be seen, now a fierce and might strength flows though it…I hope one day that will be me…again.



Confusing thoughts,
Pixie