Back Again

Hello,

I guess I have some explaining to do to those of you who actually read my blog. I was in the dollar store tonight and someone recognized me from my blog, to say that surprised me is putting it mildly. I don’t know your name but thank you, because of you, I decided if anyone who reads my misery can in someway know they are not alone, or maybe feel like this is better than a soap opera, well that would make it worth continuing.

I think in my last entry before I deleted it again, I was complaining about how un-fair this legal system is. As I said I didn’t do anything wrong except try to keep a marriage going that I now believe died long ago. I will tell you some of the details that lead to my decision to end my blog…twice.

My X tried to screw around for the second time in our twenty year marriage, he wanted his cake and eat it too, but you see I don’t bake that kind of cake and I never will.

If I can remain faithful, then I expect my partner to be faithful as well. Have I been temped over the years…of course I have. But part of my character is commitment, it takes me a long time to make a commitment, but when I do I try very hard to stick with it no matter how tempted I am. Was I looking for temptation… no!
Sometimes things just happen that way. That is why I do understand the temptation we all face throughout our lives, but the only thing that will ever stop the temptation, is ourselves.

So I ended this marriage,or rather he did by his actions. Knowing it was over, but because of our financial situation we tried to live together as room mates. After all that is what I felt like anyway for the last couple of years. As long as I paid my half of the bills, that was really all he cared about... that and the fringe benefits of living together, I am sure you all know what that means. Yes I am going to be honest with you, and this is exactly as I see it. Just remember this is my point of view, and I am sure his would be different.

Lets just say this arrangement didn’t work very well, the more he came to understand I was serious, the more uncomfortable I felt under the same roof. He kept wanting me to forgive him because as he said…but she said no so nothing happened…now if I attempt to answer that I will be banned… so I will let that remark stand as it is.

Things started happening to my car, like someone smeared something all over it, and someone put paint stripper, or furniture polish remover on my car fender, and yes the paint did peel off.
No, there were no witnesses and no proof who done it, and there never will be is my guess. After this happened to my car I had a very big disagreement with my X that night. I was almost choked this night, this has not yet gone to court, so it is not proven. Then after a struggle and a frantic attempt to escape, I was once again detained. When I finally got out I did call police and then to top it all off my family got into a physical confrontation with him directly after.

Now I don’t mind telling you my state of mind at this point was none thinking, things became as in a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. Now I will also say; because I am trying to be as honest, that was the first and only time he ever abused me in our 25 year relationship. And remember this is only my version of what happened, none of this has been proven yet.

I was beginning to realize before this incidents, that I soon needed to get out, I was for the first time in this relationship living in fear because I knew something was going to happen, I just didn’t know when or what.

Well because I was trying to find a way out and actively looking for a place, the police decided I had to leave my home. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was in shock after the confrontation with him,then he physically attacked my family and they tell me I had to get out. I am still not dealing well with that fact. But I did go and I did find a place with lots of help from my best friend, I never would have gotten through this without you Kelly, thank you again for then and now.

Since then I have had more damage to my car, someone took something and deeply scratched my car in the Zellers parking lot last Saturday. For those of you who don’t know, I always wanted a new car. Finally I went out and bought one, I made all the payments on it, and I take care of all maintenance and insurance costs. I never received any help from my X with this vehicle, so yes I consider it fully mine.

But you see my story only begins here, once I was out I only had a few things. And the one very important thing I needed for many reasons was my computer. I took a day off of work and I went and got it, I also heard things were being sold so that when we went to court what he considered his wouldn’t be counted as marital property. But that doesn’t matter because I can prove what we had, so it will just come out of his share. After getting my computer things got worse.

I didn’t bother getting a phone up here, because where I am staying is temporary. I decided to use my pay as you go cell until I was permanently moved. Well now the harassing phone calls started, I wouldn’t turn my phone off at night because of work calling me if needed.
Of course I called the police who couldn’t or wouldn’t trace the number; finally I changed my cell phone number and ended that.


Something else starting happening, you must understand by now that even though I have sought counseling for this trauma, I am pretty much a basket case. I had to stay home most of the time; I couldn’t go to the mall or anywhere because my car was always a target. The rumors were flying fast and furious about me leaving him for another women…hello…I like beef, not veil thank you. And then I was supposedly having affairs with two men, and you can just imagine some of the other things being said.

I was stuck at home, alone and miserable and yet the rumors had me in the swing of things to say the least. I started to notice a lot of friends backing away; as things progressed I truly believe people didn’t want to be near me for fear of themselves and their property. Because it seemed like no one ever got caught and things just keep happening. So as I suffered people left, with valid reasons mind you, I know all about being in fear, and how it makes you feel all to well.

Eventually there was only a few people left, and most of them went away as being uncomfortable. Those that didn’t say they wanted me to stay away… well I let them go. You see they are right, my friendship is not worth damage to their property, or to themselves, and I agree, this is not their fight.

I thought I pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel, but you know when things go bad they also get worse. A few things happened that I won’t mention here, yet… and basically I had a high speed chase after work one day to try and get away from my X.

I was on my cell with 911 and eventually they found me and arrested him. He spent the night in jail; and me...I get to live in even more fear. How is my story so far…and remember I didn’t end this marriage he did.

There are also more issues in this case that I can’t discuss, but involve my family. On Thursday gone by I received a call at work from my family, and was basically told this whole mess was entirely my fault and that I wasn’t welcome any more.

You know this boat is just about sunk, I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with it all, and so I shut it off. I can’t and won’t deal with it now, I will pretend this isn’t my life and I am having a nightmare. This is how I manage to get through my days. I will stay away from everyone so that they are protected, I don’t know how long this will last but it is going to be a long lonely road. And just think, this all happened since July 6 2007.

I have found out I have 2 very good friends left, Kelly is one, and to protect the other I won’t use his name. But he has been checking up on me and bringing me a cooler every now and then, which has really helped.

I am now being told I should learn some self defense and defensive driving maneuvers, just incase.

I really don’t know about that, I still can’t believe this is and has happened. It is like I am dreaming and nothing is going to happen except for the misery part. You know I think I could be just fine alone, if I could go where I want, or even go walking again…but I don’t know when this will happen. And yes I have an order of protection in place but so far that seems to have failed me.

So now you know why I got so frustrated and just turned everything off. It has been two days since anything has happened and I know it is only a matter of time before the next incident happens. I will not give up, or I hope I don’t, because this should not happen to anyone.

Love doesn’t physically hurt, so that tells me I don’t know what love is, and I probably never will.
I can’t prove a lot of these things, but I can tell you this:

If I truly loved someone I would let them go before I would ever hurt them. I would live with the pain of losing them before I could ever consider doing anything to them.

And for those of you, who choose to help keep this madness going, remember this could be you one day, and you will be the one wondering why everyone has turned on you.

I will hopefully always have work, because if I can keep busy enough I don’t have to deal with this either. I don’t want to deal with it…but where is my choice…I don’t have one. I am living a nightmare. Except for a couple of people, no one really cares as long as it doesn’t involve them. But I also believe that everything in this life circles around, it comes back and re-looks at what happened and who did what. And sometimes the shoe does drop off of one foot onto the other. Do I wish this on anyone, NO! But I have lived long enough to see it happen more than once, and I am sure it will again.

But you know the funny thing about that, I am foolish enough to try and bail out a sinking ship... that is if one person is willing to try and save it. This is my major fault; I want to believe that there are good people out there. That some would go out of there way to help, and I have found only two out of many.

My friends are now helping me bail out this leaky boat,we are sinking fast, and I have to admit it really does look useless. But as long as they are willing participants, I will continue to try and float this wrecked ship.

I don’t know when or if there will be another post, if any of you are going through or have went through this, I am sorry for cutting you off. Sometimes I just feel like turning it all off and that is what I did.

Take care out there, and maybe God willing this boat will begin to rise again.
Unbelievable but true,
Pixie