Hello,
I believe I am on the verge of figuring some things out. Let me begin by explaining that my situation doesn't follow conventional actions of violence. My 25 year relationship wasn't always bad, there was some good times through out our marriage. There was no physical abuse until that one night, and there was no fits of jealousy. You see, if anything there was a lack of good caring emotions and interests.
I am not ashamed of the fact that I am seeing a councilor, and that I have contacted Harbour House. If any of you are in trouble or are unsure if you even need help, the number is in the book, they have many means to help you, even just to answer questions if need be. For me it is in the form of talking and making plans. Now that I have said that I will continue with my thoughts.
I now believe the 14 year age difference between me and my X, has become a major factor in our lack of similar interests. Are you asking why I am saying these things or telling you?
Well I am beginning to understand I need to know what went wrong, so I never make the same mistake again. But more important; to cope with my situation, and the fear that has come where it has never lived before.
I am beginning to get a glimmer that all of this pain is for a reason, I am not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers, rather; maybe finally a beginning to understand my personal misery and why it is so strong. I am now wondering if in a small way I may be able to help some who suffer as I do. I am sorry I can't explain more just yet as this is just the beginning of this idea.
My want now is too reach out to others, in a way that will help them find a little hope. This has only began to dawn on me in the last hours so I do not have it all figured out yet, but I already know how important it could become.
And to think, I owe it all to a miller and a chipmunk. And you know I haven't seen my little friend since, but I know he is there and watching. The feelings that have begun to stir again are now almost...lining up my current thoughts. I will be helping myself as well as others, how perfect is that. The one thing that will snap me out of my own problems, is by helping others with theirs in very small ways.
I am hoping the moving forward is happening now and I have allowed my hopes to rise a bit. Somehow it feels like the here and now have changed, and the wheel as they say is turning. But in the same breath I must not let my guard down, I know too well how fast things can happen and escalate out of control. So now I will look for a balance of helping, along with caution.
All I can add to this is,
It is time,
Pixie
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Old Feelings Return
Hello,
I have a story I will share with you, for some it will mean nothing, but for me it is a returning to things the way they use to be. I was visiting with my friend at work yesterday afternoon, when in the door flew this moth or miller, I am not sure which it was, it was mostly black.
It flew in and circled around me, and I said to my friend look at that, we were very excited as this little creature circled. I finally said jokingly, ok now calm down and come and sit with us, my friend caught right on and said yes do settle down a bit.
I held out my hand and it landed there as if right on cue, we sat and talked to this little visitor not believing it was actually inside sitting with us. It was walking around on my hand and made itself at home, it was tickling my hand as it did so, and I found it hard not to scratch :) Finally I said to my friend I need to let him out before he gets hurt in here, she wanted the same for our little friend.
So I went into the dining room and found a place to slip him out, he flew away but left behind a wonderful conversation with my friend and I. I reminded her today about our friend because she did forget about him, but I will keep reminding her about it.
Tonight I was tired after a hard but good day at work, and had a nap on my couch; I was awakened by the sound of a bird chirping by my door. So I sat up, and when I did the chirping stopped, so I went out and sat and watched the birds and chipmunks making their nightly rounds.
The birds are very nervous except for one, he is not bothered by my presents and always looks at me when I go out, and then continues with his feed. The chipmunks seems to have accepted me as well, I always save the heels off my bread for them, and now they seem to look for it.
I watched them running about for a while and realized the birds and the chipmunks had all the seeds cleaned up from the ground. I thought about the sunflower seeds I had inside and went for them, when I came out chipmunk look directly at me, and as I walked towards him he walked towards me. I thought he would run as I never tried to approach him before, but he came right to the bottom of the step where I was standing, and was watching me intently.
I opened the can and sprinkled some seeds on the ground right beside him; he calmly reached over and started eating. I sprinkled a few handfuls there for him and his other friends, and they also came and gladly ate. For the first time in a long time I felt a familiar feeling stirring within me…it almost felt like the warmth coming back to my soul.
I have always been soft hearted, and I have a want to love all who are around me, from people to nature and all that is in between. But life has always kept that feeling from coming completely forward. I want that feeling to continue; I always felt like I could get lost in this feeling, and somehow join with it, when these wonderful things happen.
I often wonder if I put myself in a place where only nature and I existed what would happen. I think I might find this oneness I heard about a few times. It is such a strong feeling when it happens, and I have missed it this last while back. Maybe I am just full of myself I don’t know, but I always felt there was something, a pull if you will, to try and find out… maybe someday I will.
Tonight is the full moon; I have always felt her pull. I feel her tonight and would love to go out and greet her as she arrives, but I must be so careful now as it is still not safe for me to be out and about. But would I love to watch her climb in the sky, while looking over the water. Water also has a very strong affect on me, and the combination of the two would be a wonder to experience.
Maybe one day I will be able to do that, go by myself to a beach and watch in wonderment, as I see nature doing what has become an un-exciting event to many. If I had a choice this is how I would re-fill my emptied soul, I would fill it with nature, nurture, and love. I would rekindle that spark which I once experienced through my walks, and from truly and purely caring for others, and wanting nothing in return but that wonderful feeling one gets from doing right and good.
This; I now realize is honestly what I miss the most. I could never put these thoughts down at one time, I would have been afraid of ridicule, but now it really doesn’t matter what those people think anymore.
When I feel that warmth filling my soul, I could almost burst with it; and then I would want to wrap it around the world for all to feel,knowing this would be right. And know; if I ever find a way of sharing that feeling, I will, be very sure I will.
Until next time,
Pixie:)
I have a story I will share with you, for some it will mean nothing, but for me it is a returning to things the way they use to be. I was visiting with my friend at work yesterday afternoon, when in the door flew this moth or miller, I am not sure which it was, it was mostly black.
It flew in and circled around me, and I said to my friend look at that, we were very excited as this little creature circled. I finally said jokingly, ok now calm down and come and sit with us, my friend caught right on and said yes do settle down a bit.
I held out my hand and it landed there as if right on cue, we sat and talked to this little visitor not believing it was actually inside sitting with us. It was walking around on my hand and made itself at home, it was tickling my hand as it did so, and I found it hard not to scratch :) Finally I said to my friend I need to let him out before he gets hurt in here, she wanted the same for our little friend.
So I went into the dining room and found a place to slip him out, he flew away but left behind a wonderful conversation with my friend and I. I reminded her today about our friend because she did forget about him, but I will keep reminding her about it.
Tonight I was tired after a hard but good day at work, and had a nap on my couch; I was awakened by the sound of a bird chirping by my door. So I sat up, and when I did the chirping stopped, so I went out and sat and watched the birds and chipmunks making their nightly rounds.
The birds are very nervous except for one, he is not bothered by my presents and always looks at me when I go out, and then continues with his feed. The chipmunks seems to have accepted me as well, I always save the heels off my bread for them, and now they seem to look for it.
I watched them running about for a while and realized the birds and the chipmunks had all the seeds cleaned up from the ground. I thought about the sunflower seeds I had inside and went for them, when I came out chipmunk look directly at me, and as I walked towards him he walked towards me. I thought he would run as I never tried to approach him before, but he came right to the bottom of the step where I was standing, and was watching me intently.
I opened the can and sprinkled some seeds on the ground right beside him; he calmly reached over and started eating. I sprinkled a few handfuls there for him and his other friends, and they also came and gladly ate. For the first time in a long time I felt a familiar feeling stirring within me…it almost felt like the warmth coming back to my soul.
I have always been soft hearted, and I have a want to love all who are around me, from people to nature and all that is in between. But life has always kept that feeling from coming completely forward. I want that feeling to continue; I always felt like I could get lost in this feeling, and somehow join with it, when these wonderful things happen.
I often wonder if I put myself in a place where only nature and I existed what would happen. I think I might find this oneness I heard about a few times. It is such a strong feeling when it happens, and I have missed it this last while back. Maybe I am just full of myself I don’t know, but I always felt there was something, a pull if you will, to try and find out… maybe someday I will.
Tonight is the full moon; I have always felt her pull. I feel her tonight and would love to go out and greet her as she arrives, but I must be so careful now as it is still not safe for me to be out and about. But would I love to watch her climb in the sky, while looking over the water. Water also has a very strong affect on me, and the combination of the two would be a wonder to experience.
Maybe one day I will be able to do that, go by myself to a beach and watch in wonderment, as I see nature doing what has become an un-exciting event to many. If I had a choice this is how I would re-fill my emptied soul, I would fill it with nature, nurture, and love. I would rekindle that spark which I once experienced through my walks, and from truly and purely caring for others, and wanting nothing in return but that wonderful feeling one gets from doing right and good.
This; I now realize is honestly what I miss the most. I could never put these thoughts down at one time, I would have been afraid of ridicule, but now it really doesn’t matter what those people think anymore.
When I feel that warmth filling my soul, I could almost burst with it; and then I would want to wrap it around the world for all to feel,knowing this would be right. And know; if I ever find a way of sharing that feeling, I will, be very sure I will.
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Monday, August 27, 2007
Nice Night
Hello again,
You know, I am getting use to writing on here just about everyday. I now look forward to telling who ever wants to listen about my days.
Some of you may be wondering if things have eased a bit with my X, well I would say yes but not completely. I don't want to give to many details yet, but some things are still happening. But compared to what has already happened they are mild.
I am trying to keep my guard up, but I am wishing the worse to be over...well it is a thought anyway. My mind has become clearer, and I have begun to laugh again. My friend and I went out for supper tonight, and then went for some soul food...now I know what you are thinking...what is soul food. Well tonight it was in the form of a ice cream flurry at the Tasty Freeze...mini m&m's, oh so good:)
The soul doesn't care what size your waist is, it only wants to enjoy something that tastes so good that it has to be sinful, or soulful:) I did laugh again tonight, and for once I focused more on my friend and her troubles. You see my friend has a very full plate of troubles that she deals with on a daily basis. This just goes to show how good a friend she is, she is always worried about me and not herself.
I need to start taking better care of her, now that my mind has finally come to a place where it can cope for now. So my friend be prepared, I am going to try and get you to talk more about your problems, so you can vent and scream if need be, I am ready thanks to you:)
I am going to call it a night as I am going to have a very busy day tomorrow at work. Thank goodness for work, it gets me through the day, and if I want to be to tired to think...that is what I do, and tomorrow will be one of those days.
And girls, although it might be short lived, there is almost a calm for now. If yours hasn't come yet, hold on, it will. But I won't promise it will last, so enjoy it as much as you can while you can. I am definitely trying too.
Good night and take care,
Pixie:)
You know, I am getting use to writing on here just about everyday. I now look forward to telling who ever wants to listen about my days.
Some of you may be wondering if things have eased a bit with my X, well I would say yes but not completely. I don't want to give to many details yet, but some things are still happening. But compared to what has already happened they are mild.
I am trying to keep my guard up, but I am wishing the worse to be over...well it is a thought anyway. My mind has become clearer, and I have begun to laugh again. My friend and I went out for supper tonight, and then went for some soul food...now I know what you are thinking...what is soul food. Well tonight it was in the form of a ice cream flurry at the Tasty Freeze...mini m&m's, oh so good:)
The soul doesn't care what size your waist is, it only wants to enjoy something that tastes so good that it has to be sinful, or soulful:) I did laugh again tonight, and for once I focused more on my friend and her troubles. You see my friend has a very full plate of troubles that she deals with on a daily basis. This just goes to show how good a friend she is, she is always worried about me and not herself.
I need to start taking better care of her, now that my mind has finally come to a place where it can cope for now. So my friend be prepared, I am going to try and get you to talk more about your problems, so you can vent and scream if need be, I am ready thanks to you:)
I am going to call it a night as I am going to have a very busy day tomorrow at work. Thank goodness for work, it gets me through the day, and if I want to be to tired to think...that is what I do, and tomorrow will be one of those days.
And girls, although it might be short lived, there is almost a calm for now. If yours hasn't come yet, hold on, it will. But I won't promise it will last, so enjoy it as much as you can while you can. I am definitely trying too.
Good night and take care,
Pixie:)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Day of thought
Hello again,
Today seems to be a deep contemplation day; I spent most of trying to look forward to see what might await me. It is hard to do that under the circumstances, but I did manage to make some decisions. After sitting a starring at the waves at the beach today I allow myself to think a head a bit, by trying to decide if I want to remain single or if eventually I want to get involved again in another relationship.
I decided I don’t mind being alone so much, but I don’t think it is something I would want to be permanent. Does that mean I am looking, no. It would have to happen naturally, and this time I would have to know without a doubt it was right. I would also make sure they held some of my interests, but they would have to have different ones of their own to share.
That would be another important fact, sharing. I believe sharing and caring become one in the same, once the sharing stops so does the caring in my opinion. This person who probably doesn’t exist, would also have to enjoy music, quiet evenings listening to different kinds of music as we look deeply into each others eyes…now girls how does that sound? Sounds good to me:)
I don’t watch a lot of T.V. but when we would, it would be snuggled together comfortably, not on opposite sides of the room. Imagine, short moon light walks, and occasional nights of sleeping under the stars, cuddling close to keep warm…ok girl’s breath with me now. Maybe we expect too much from potential partners these days.
But I have given this a great deal of thought and I will continue with this imaginary man.
Things that would be very important are those little things that no one thinks about anymore. I am talking about a guy opening a door for you, looking you in the eyes when talking to you, and most important, looking you in the eyes before that wonderful kiss…ok girl’s maybe I went to far that time…cold water helps:)
If we are asking lets ask for it all shall we? Well how about the other little things that people may call silly but they would be so great. The one thing that I truly like is someone playing with my hair; no I don’t mean messing it up, I mean slowing running their finger through it in a gentle massage…is it getting warm in here, ha ha. Seriously, those little things are so important in life. I would take a foot massage over an expensive dinner any day, a walk on the beach over a day trip, and most important, a man who is not afraid to kiss my forehead in public to show how he feels.
Those of you who are still in a marriage and all of these things have stopped or simply never existed, maybe it is worth a try to rekindle things. To tell you the truth, at the beginning of this year I tried very hard to get my X to do just a couple of these things, but all I met was resistance and those dam words…”Don’t be so foolish”! Oh how I have come to hate those words.
Now back on track, I am kind of enjoying creating my perfect man. Now the only other thing that I did think about for my dream man was of course a flower, not a bunch, just a single flower to represent the thought that says, “I am thinking about you”.
Will I ever find this dream man, no I doubt that he even exists, but if I had to think about this today this is what I would want before I would even consider another relationship…but somehow I think it will be a long lonely life if I look for him…but girl’s, there is always fantasy, and I have already met him there… and oh what fun we have...now I need a shower! :)) See what happens when I finally get some peace and quiet:)
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Today seems to be a deep contemplation day; I spent most of trying to look forward to see what might await me. It is hard to do that under the circumstances, but I did manage to make some decisions. After sitting a starring at the waves at the beach today I allow myself to think a head a bit, by trying to decide if I want to remain single or if eventually I want to get involved again in another relationship.
I decided I don’t mind being alone so much, but I don’t think it is something I would want to be permanent. Does that mean I am looking, no. It would have to happen naturally, and this time I would have to know without a doubt it was right. I would also make sure they held some of my interests, but they would have to have different ones of their own to share.
That would be another important fact, sharing. I believe sharing and caring become one in the same, once the sharing stops so does the caring in my opinion. This person who probably doesn’t exist, would also have to enjoy music, quiet evenings listening to different kinds of music as we look deeply into each others eyes…now girls how does that sound? Sounds good to me:)
I don’t watch a lot of T.V. but when we would, it would be snuggled together comfortably, not on opposite sides of the room. Imagine, short moon light walks, and occasional nights of sleeping under the stars, cuddling close to keep warm…ok girl’s breath with me now. Maybe we expect too much from potential partners these days.
But I have given this a great deal of thought and I will continue with this imaginary man.
Things that would be very important are those little things that no one thinks about anymore. I am talking about a guy opening a door for you, looking you in the eyes when talking to you, and most important, looking you in the eyes before that wonderful kiss…ok girl’s maybe I went to far that time…cold water helps:)
If we are asking lets ask for it all shall we? Well how about the other little things that people may call silly but they would be so great. The one thing that I truly like is someone playing with my hair; no I don’t mean messing it up, I mean slowing running their finger through it in a gentle massage…is it getting warm in here, ha ha. Seriously, those little things are so important in life. I would take a foot massage over an expensive dinner any day, a walk on the beach over a day trip, and most important, a man who is not afraid to kiss my forehead in public to show how he feels.
Those of you who are still in a marriage and all of these things have stopped or simply never existed, maybe it is worth a try to rekindle things. To tell you the truth, at the beginning of this year I tried very hard to get my X to do just a couple of these things, but all I met was resistance and those dam words…”Don’t be so foolish”! Oh how I have come to hate those words.
Now back on track, I am kind of enjoying creating my perfect man. Now the only other thing that I did think about for my dream man was of course a flower, not a bunch, just a single flower to represent the thought that says, “I am thinking about you”.
Will I ever find this dream man, no I doubt that he even exists, but if I had to think about this today this is what I would want before I would even consider another relationship…but somehow I think it will be a long lonely life if I look for him…but girl’s, there is always fantasy, and I have already met him there… and oh what fun we have...now I need a shower! :)) See what happens when I finally get some peace and quiet:)
Until next time,
Pixie:)
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Great Escape
Hello,
Today I was kidnapped by my best friend and her mother, what a wonderful day we had.
It was so nice knowing I wouldn't have to worry today, we went to the Greenwood Mall in the Valley. Then we went to Berwick, a place I have never been, and then we went to New Minus, another place I have never been.
Now I did receive two calls from the police about my X uttering threats about me, and finally someone was will to stand up to state it too police, and she was willing to go to court as well. But because of the wording of the conversation I wasn't able to lay charges or I would have. Another bit of information in a growing file against him. My friend just now called me and told me my X was driving around down there today. People saw him driving very slowly past her place, I do hope this madness soon ends.
But I pushed that all aside in an effort to enjoy this day of freedom to the fullest extent that I could. I did pick up some things I probably shouldn't have but everything was on a great sale I couldn't resist. Then I saw something I just about flipped over...a beautiful pink winter jacket...oh it was so nice and fur lined. I tried it on and it fit perfectly, but I put it back. It was 50 bucks which was a good price for that type of jacket, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money right now...but it was so nice. I kept saying to the girls all day, what a pretty pink jacket, and we would all laugh over that:)
Anyway, we had a very nice lunch at A&W. Of course I wasn't allowed to pay for that...and I did want to, but for some reason no one was listening to me:) Then more shopping, it was very hot in the Valley today but beautiful. Then around 6 we hit New Minus, we decided on Chinese food for supper...yup, not allowed to pay again:)
It was all you could eat, and boy did we eat! I think I tried a little of everything, from the sweet and sour chicken, scollop's, and wings too the ribs! Oh my I didn't think I would be able to move and then my friend said well, it is time for desert...well I didn't know where I was going to put it but away we went:)
We decided on ice cream, but I had a dilemma...did I want death by chocolate, or bears paws...I finally said to Kelly I can't make up my mind...now she is a fast thinker and said, "Why are you trying to figure it out, take a scoop of both"...here finally was some logic I could sink my teeth into...and that is just what I did!
It truly was a great day, thank you both so much. Neither of you will ever know how much I really appreciated and enjoyed this day for a change. It has been the best day I had since July the 4th, and I can honestly say that because I spent that day with my friend as well. I will say to you both, kidnap me anytime you want, I will be a willing participant:)
I am finally just beginning to unwind for the night, it is so muggy here that sleep will be difficult, but at least I will close my eyes with good thoughts, and maybe even have a smile on my face as I finally go to meet the sandman.
I wish you all a pleasant night,
Pixie:)
Today I was kidnapped by my best friend and her mother, what a wonderful day we had.
It was so nice knowing I wouldn't have to worry today, we went to the Greenwood Mall in the Valley. Then we went to Berwick, a place I have never been, and then we went to New Minus, another place I have never been.
Now I did receive two calls from the police about my X uttering threats about me, and finally someone was will to stand up to state it too police, and she was willing to go to court as well. But because of the wording of the conversation I wasn't able to lay charges or I would have. Another bit of information in a growing file against him. My friend just now called me and told me my X was driving around down there today. People saw him driving very slowly past her place, I do hope this madness soon ends.
But I pushed that all aside in an effort to enjoy this day of freedom to the fullest extent that I could. I did pick up some things I probably shouldn't have but everything was on a great sale I couldn't resist. Then I saw something I just about flipped over...a beautiful pink winter jacket...oh it was so nice and fur lined. I tried it on and it fit perfectly, but I put it back. It was 50 bucks which was a good price for that type of jacket, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money right now...but it was so nice. I kept saying to the girls all day, what a pretty pink jacket, and we would all laugh over that:)
Anyway, we had a very nice lunch at A&W. Of course I wasn't allowed to pay for that...and I did want to, but for some reason no one was listening to me:) Then more shopping, it was very hot in the Valley today but beautiful. Then around 6 we hit New Minus, we decided on Chinese food for supper...yup, not allowed to pay again:)
It was all you could eat, and boy did we eat! I think I tried a little of everything, from the sweet and sour chicken, scollop's, and wings too the ribs! Oh my I didn't think I would be able to move and then my friend said well, it is time for desert...well I didn't know where I was going to put it but away we went:)
We decided on ice cream, but I had a dilemma...did I want death by chocolate, or bears paws...I finally said to Kelly I can't make up my mind...now she is a fast thinker and said, "Why are you trying to figure it out, take a scoop of both"...here finally was some logic I could sink my teeth into...and that is just what I did!
It truly was a great day, thank you both so much. Neither of you will ever know how much I really appreciated and enjoyed this day for a change. It has been the best day I had since July the 4th, and I can honestly say that because I spent that day with my friend as well. I will say to you both, kidnap me anytime you want, I will be a willing participant:)
I am finally just beginning to unwind for the night, it is so muggy here that sleep will be difficult, but at least I will close my eyes with good thoughts, and maybe even have a smile on my face as I finally go to meet the sandman.
I wish you all a pleasant night,
Pixie:)
Good Day
Hello,
I think today is going to be a good day, my friend is picking me up and we are going somewhere all day. I won't say where yet, but tonight or tomorrow I will tell you all about it.
Also there have been some improvements concerning my family. Things are still very rocky but there is a slow moving forward happening.
Could it be that a few things will now straighten out?
I better not get my hopes to high just yet.
Have a good Saturday everyone,
Pixie
I think today is going to be a good day, my friend is picking me up and we are going somewhere all day. I won't say where yet, but tonight or tomorrow I will tell you all about it.
Also there have been some improvements concerning my family. Things are still very rocky but there is a slow moving forward happening.
Could it be that a few things will now straighten out?
I better not get my hopes to high just yet.
Have a good Saturday everyone,
Pixie
Thursday, August 23, 2007
For you
Good morning,
I have decided to give everyone who reads my blog a treat today.
I am not going to complain or try to explain my situation.
This morning I feel thankful, I don't know why yet but I do. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, and comments. They have meant a great deal to me lately.
Once again I want to thank my best friend Kelly, who literally picked me up when this all started going bad, and never let go:)
Someday I will thank you by spoiling you rotten, and you will deserve it.
If everyone in the world had a good friend like Kelly, there would be far less grief in this world. So for all the good and best friends in this world, this tribute is too you.
Thank you from everyone you have helped and touched, and know you are making a difference in a world that has become so harsh.
Maybe...just maybe, you all are the light:)
Good thoughts,
Thank you,
Ann
I have decided to give everyone who reads my blog a treat today.
I am not going to complain or try to explain my situation.
This morning I feel thankful, I don't know why yet but I do. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, and comments. They have meant a great deal to me lately.
Once again I want to thank my best friend Kelly, who literally picked me up when this all started going bad, and never let go:)
Someday I will thank you by spoiling you rotten, and you will deserve it.
If everyone in the world had a good friend like Kelly, there would be far less grief in this world. So for all the good and best friends in this world, this tribute is too you.
Thank you from everyone you have helped and touched, and know you are making a difference in a world that has become so harsh.
Maybe...just maybe, you all are the light:)
Good thoughts,
Thank you,
Ann
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