Hello out there it has been a very long time since I wrote on here. Thanks to a friend of mine a long ways from this country I was reminded of this site again.
So much has happened and yet nothing ever really changes. I am still single by choice, as I just do not seem to fall in love. I think this is a sign I am either not ready or maybe I should remain alone.
I am content now in my home and struggle as all single people do, but thanks to the help of my family I manage very well. I have made amends or rather built a bridge to my family roots again. So much pain and hurt for everyone is not good to hold onto, and the need of contact with what we know becomes a necessary part of life as we grow and age.
The fact that one very bad person changed the lives of so many is never good, but once we surface from the truth and pain a new understanding begins to grow within us. All the unimportant things we focus on in our life as we survive another day, month and year, fade in the face of real problems and troubles and even fear.
We humans are so good at building walls around our hearts and emotions, we hide from life and people so we can not be hurt anymore. We give up on faith and stop the belief there is something more out there, for if something more existed why would he let us suffer so much and leave us in our misery....
Well I will never say all the pain was worth any amount of understanding, but I must say now I do see things very differently. We can never change what others have done to us or what they may still do one day, but we can rise above what they are or will become.
I have a stronger faith in God now than I ever did before, and now I know if he was not beside me I am sure I would not have survived. The only way to the good it seems is through the bad, if this is the journey set before us... well I guess we must either walk it face on, or give up and let the force and will of others win over the spirit given.
Easy no, but I do feel a greater love for the good now that I have witness so much evil and hate. My best friend helped me more than anyone through my hell on earth... that is why I am so sure there is more to life, and the people we hold onto in our lives. Thank God my best friend has found happiness and peace also, she has her own family now and I am very happy for her.
I really hope I can begin to write on here once more, about life and nature and the love I know that is also out there between all good people. I am sure I have lost all of my past readers, but who knows maybe a few still come to look at the words of someone who is living life, making mistakes and learning.
Take care my friends,
Pixie
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Hello again
It has been a very long time and a very long journey. I have moved in and out of a settled mode for over a year now, I think I am finally settled for now. I feel an old familiar and lost feeling beginning to return to me, one I have missed dearly. That feeling is contentment coming from within me, a feeling of warmth and light, oh how I have missed it.
And for those who wonder I am still alone, I was dating someone but now we are friends, as this is what we feel for each other. But a few months ago as I sat at my desk in the morning, and as the sun was rising to light the darkness and bring warmth, a friend returned to me.
My friend of light, sounds strange... but once you know this feeling it can only be described like this. As the sun brought rays of light through my window it touched me with its brightness... I was on cam at the time with a very old and dear friend of mine. He is 70 years of age and lives in India. As we chatted about life and philosophy he was beginning to witness what I felt.
I began to tell him what I was feeling as the sun warmed me, it began its journey to my soul to fill me with the warmth and light of love and understanding. As he bore witness to this he ask to remain and watch silently, I agreed. It was so long since this feeling of pure light had been felt and enjoyed, I thought I had lost it forever.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be lost in this wonderful pure feeling, I felt it enlighten my whole being and travel to every part of me and journey back to my head and finally release its energy through my eyes, as it slowly faded and left me calm and relaxed and humbled in life.
Once my thoughts returned I remembered my friend on cam watching this, he was still there and sat in deep thought as I acknowledged him again. I am not sure if he was more excited or me by this happening lol
I am hoping to begin new this spring, return or repair not sure which word fits the best. But there is something to nature to learn from, who is trying to teach us something... I want to learn and be a student of nature and find that which has been lost. Follow me on my journey ... should be interesting :)
Bye for now,
Pixies
And for those who wonder I am still alone, I was dating someone but now we are friends, as this is what we feel for each other. But a few months ago as I sat at my desk in the morning, and as the sun was rising to light the darkness and bring warmth, a friend returned to me.
My friend of light, sounds strange... but once you know this feeling it can only be described like this. As the sun brought rays of light through my window it touched me with its brightness... I was on cam at the time with a very old and dear friend of mine. He is 70 years of age and lives in India. As we chatted about life and philosophy he was beginning to witness what I felt.
I began to tell him what I was feeling as the sun warmed me, it began its journey to my soul to fill me with the warmth and light of love and understanding. As he bore witness to this he ask to remain and watch silently, I agreed. It was so long since this feeling of pure light had been felt and enjoyed, I thought I had lost it forever.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be lost in this wonderful pure feeling, I felt it enlighten my whole being and travel to every part of me and journey back to my head and finally release its energy through my eyes, as it slowly faded and left me calm and relaxed and humbled in life.
Once my thoughts returned I remembered my friend on cam watching this, he was still there and sat in deep thought as I acknowledged him again. I am not sure if he was more excited or me by this happening lol
I am hoping to begin new this spring, return or repair not sure which word fits the best. But there is something to nature to learn from, who is trying to teach us something... I want to learn and be a student of nature and find that which has been lost. Follow me on my journey ... should be interesting :)
Bye for now,
Pixies
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Walking Again
Hello Friends,
I am finally walking again and it feels very good. It was extremely windy and cool tonight, but I bundled up and away I went. Now as I look out the window I see an almost full moon shinning down upon us. Last night was the first time I heard the frogs cocking in the swamp out back. It is a calming an soothing sound for me as it lures me into a peaceful nights sleep.
I feel the effects of nature coming back to me finally as I have missed that wondrous feeling of awe. As I walked tonight I couldn't help but think of the wind as the breath of life. Although holding me back it also made me think of our inner system as it struggles to keep the needed breath within us.
As in a struggle with life there are pauses within the on slot of resistance. An within the calm, a reflection of life itself breaths and enjoys the reprieve. But to soon the resistance returns forcing us to kick in our heels and push ourselves forward as if being guided into life once more.
Complicated yes, needed yes.
Pixies
I am finally walking again and it feels very good. It was extremely windy and cool tonight, but I bundled up and away I went. Now as I look out the window I see an almost full moon shinning down upon us. Last night was the first time I heard the frogs cocking in the swamp out back. It is a calming an soothing sound for me as it lures me into a peaceful nights sleep.
I feel the effects of nature coming back to me finally as I have missed that wondrous feeling of awe. As I walked tonight I couldn't help but think of the wind as the breath of life. Although holding me back it also made me think of our inner system as it struggles to keep the needed breath within us.
As in a struggle with life there are pauses within the on slot of resistance. An within the calm, a reflection of life itself breaths and enjoys the reprieve. But to soon the resistance returns forcing us to kick in our heels and push ourselves forward as if being guided into life once more.
Complicated yes, needed yes.
Pixies
Monday, April 6, 2009
Another Day
Hello everyone,
Another day has begun and life moves on.
I had a good weekend, my friend and I got along very well. Still moving slowly as I want to take my time and experience some new and old things along the way.
The disappointing part was I got sick towards the end of last week, my ear duct as they call it is partially blocked causing swelling of my jaw and an aching in the ear as well as an inner ear infection I suspect. So just before my friend came down my mouth breaks out into fever blisters and I am not feeling the greatest!!
But not put out a bit he came anyway and we did all we wanted to do lol Have to tell you anyone who don't mind looking at those horrible looking things is a plus in my book.
Can't help but notice how spring is slowly creeping in as a snail on vacation. But soon the warmth of the sum with radiate into us and bring about a change in habits and activities. One I am looking forward to is walking again, seems every time I want to start something happens I don't get to go.
I am still having ear and jaw issues and the cold and dampness makes it hurt, so I will wait again for a while before I start...soon need to as something happened to my washer/dryer set...seems everything I wash and wear is shrinking haha...and no can't be me putting on weight lol.
Until next time do take care,
Pixies
Another day has begun and life moves on.
I had a good weekend, my friend and I got along very well. Still moving slowly as I want to take my time and experience some new and old things along the way.
The disappointing part was I got sick towards the end of last week, my ear duct as they call it is partially blocked causing swelling of my jaw and an aching in the ear as well as an inner ear infection I suspect. So just before my friend came down my mouth breaks out into fever blisters and I am not feeling the greatest!!
But not put out a bit he came anyway and we did all we wanted to do lol Have to tell you anyone who don't mind looking at those horrible looking things is a plus in my book.
Can't help but notice how spring is slowly creeping in as a snail on vacation. But soon the warmth of the sum with radiate into us and bring about a change in habits and activities. One I am looking forward to is walking again, seems every time I want to start something happens I don't get to go.
I am still having ear and jaw issues and the cold and dampness makes it hurt, so I will wait again for a while before I start...soon need to as something happened to my washer/dryer set...seems everything I wash and wear is shrinking haha...and no can't be me putting on weight lol.
Until next time do take care,
Pixies
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
New beginning?
Hello everyone,
I am hoping the last of my divorce papers are now signed, waiting for them to return.
I am happy again as I am starting to date again, I have been talking to someone for a few weeks now. We met for the first time last Saturday and we plan on getting together again this weekend.
It is nice having something to look forward to now and I do like him very much. We are taking it slow and putting no label on to it. I am finally more content in my life, I had to let some family go to keep my peace, but I have made my peace with that.
I am going to try and enjoy my life a bit and see what it was meant to be like. For those of you still going through a break up or planning on leaving, think it through and try to plan it first. I was forced out and had no choice, and if I can give one piece of advice to you, it would be...don't be the one to leave even if the police tell you too.
They told me I had to go, I was in shock from being choked and watching blood on my families face after he attacked them. If my mind would have been working I could have told them to make him go as he became violent, and I know now they would have had to.
I can not change all that happened to me, but I can put the word out to anyone who will listen. The police that was here almost forced me to go using their authority to intimidate me. I urge you to stand your ground if you are not at fault, let the guilty be the ones to leave, and let us have what little peace would remain, and we all know that is not much, but when in the middle of hell...it means a lot.
Take care until next time,
Pixies
I am hoping the last of my divorce papers are now signed, waiting for them to return.
I am happy again as I am starting to date again, I have been talking to someone for a few weeks now. We met for the first time last Saturday and we plan on getting together again this weekend.
It is nice having something to look forward to now and I do like him very much. We are taking it slow and putting no label on to it. I am finally more content in my life, I had to let some family go to keep my peace, but I have made my peace with that.
I am going to try and enjoy my life a bit and see what it was meant to be like. For those of you still going through a break up or planning on leaving, think it through and try to plan it first. I was forced out and had no choice, and if I can give one piece of advice to you, it would be...don't be the one to leave even if the police tell you too.
They told me I had to go, I was in shock from being choked and watching blood on my families face after he attacked them. If my mind would have been working I could have told them to make him go as he became violent, and I know now they would have had to.
I can not change all that happened to me, but I can put the word out to anyone who will listen. The police that was here almost forced me to go using their authority to intimidate me. I urge you to stand your ground if you are not at fault, let the guilty be the ones to leave, and let us have what little peace would remain, and we all know that is not much, but when in the middle of hell...it means a lot.
Take care until next time,
Pixies
Monday, March 16, 2009
Almost spring
Hello been a while,
I am sitting in the sun this morning at my computer enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
While the sun sinks in and finds my soul to warm with it with wonderful rays of calmness, sending me reflecting over the last couple of years in my life.
It seems now that things are calm and safe again, and I finally have back most of what was taken from me, the one thing that has disappeared is my friends.
Seems life has a way of balancing things out with wants and needs.
My best friend is still around of course and happy in her life. I am not saying she doesn't have problems, but she is at least in a happy place to deal with them. But slowly I am making new friends and working to keep busy.
Spring will soon be here and I will resume my walks and I am hoping the wonderful experiences I encountered with nature a couple years ago. I really miss those walks and the great insights I would receive while walking.
And for those who was there when I was going through my ordeal, and are wondering about my family, for the most part things are ok except for one.
It seems me and my mother will never see eye to eye about what happened to both of us during my turmoil. I have excepted the differences are just to great between us, and we will remain apart and distant from each other even though we only live a few hundred feet apart.
I know some will say, but she is your mother, but only so much water can wash under and over the bridge before it washes out...it has washed out. I am upset by this and hurt also, but I have left the anger of it behind and decided to move forward in life as I always seem to walk alone for the most part. But I will say my sister and brothers have been a great help to me and so far we are keeping thing separate from the issue at home.
I am also ready to date again, I have been out a few times and enjoyed it. But no special someone to make me want to try another relationship. I am talking to people through this medium also and who knows what may happen one day. For now I have the freedom to enjoy my single life style...and take all the closet space lol
My divorce should be complete by the end of this month so I can close forever this chapter of my life. My ex's brother and wife are coming to stay with me a bit this summer and I am looking forward to having them here for a while. Great to have company again, and I am very glad this divorce did not interfere with our friendship as we have gone through a lot over the years as a family.
I am seriously considering writing about my life sort of a biography, but I also know if I do I would have to keep it to myself as many would be upset with my view of the details as I lived them. But who knows, the thought is there and for now so is the time to begin one.
Well my coffee cup is empty and the sun is moving away from my window, telling me to get started with my day and my plans. I am hoping I still have a few readers left out there.
Until the next time,
Pixies
I am sitting in the sun this morning at my computer enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
While the sun sinks in and finds my soul to warm with it with wonderful rays of calmness, sending me reflecting over the last couple of years in my life.
It seems now that things are calm and safe again, and I finally have back most of what was taken from me, the one thing that has disappeared is my friends.
Seems life has a way of balancing things out with wants and needs.
My best friend is still around of course and happy in her life. I am not saying she doesn't have problems, but she is at least in a happy place to deal with them. But slowly I am making new friends and working to keep busy.
Spring will soon be here and I will resume my walks and I am hoping the wonderful experiences I encountered with nature a couple years ago. I really miss those walks and the great insights I would receive while walking.
And for those who was there when I was going through my ordeal, and are wondering about my family, for the most part things are ok except for one.
It seems me and my mother will never see eye to eye about what happened to both of us during my turmoil. I have excepted the differences are just to great between us, and we will remain apart and distant from each other even though we only live a few hundred feet apart.
I know some will say, but she is your mother, but only so much water can wash under and over the bridge before it washes out...it has washed out. I am upset by this and hurt also, but I have left the anger of it behind and decided to move forward in life as I always seem to walk alone for the most part. But I will say my sister and brothers have been a great help to me and so far we are keeping thing separate from the issue at home.
I am also ready to date again, I have been out a few times and enjoyed it. But no special someone to make me want to try another relationship. I am talking to people through this medium also and who knows what may happen one day. For now I have the freedom to enjoy my single life style...and take all the closet space lol
My divorce should be complete by the end of this month so I can close forever this chapter of my life. My ex's brother and wife are coming to stay with me a bit this summer and I am looking forward to having them here for a while. Great to have company again, and I am very glad this divorce did not interfere with our friendship as we have gone through a lot over the years as a family.
I am seriously considering writing about my life sort of a biography, but I also know if I do I would have to keep it to myself as many would be upset with my view of the details as I lived them. But who knows, the thought is there and for now so is the time to begin one.
Well my coffee cup is empty and the sun is moving away from my window, telling me to get started with my day and my plans. I am hoping I still have a few readers left out there.
Until the next time,
Pixies
Monday, February 16, 2009
2009
Happy belated New Year!!
it has been a long time since my last post and much has happened. I am getting ready for work this morning so I will keep it short for now.
As I told you I am back in my home and a settlement has be reached. I am not divorced yet but that is all that is left of my old life now. I am still single as well. I did date a couple of people but just friends as it turned out, which is good we all need friends.
I am content now by myself and enjoying some peace and quiet in my life for a nice change. I have meet so many wonderful people on the web I am grateful for that. There are also a lot of not so nice people on the web...but is this not life in reality as well.
Take care for now and hope to post again soon,
Pixies:)
it has been a long time since my last post and much has happened. I am getting ready for work this morning so I will keep it short for now.
As I told you I am back in my home and a settlement has be reached. I am not divorced yet but that is all that is left of my old life now. I am still single as well. I did date a couple of people but just friends as it turned out, which is good we all need friends.
I am content now by myself and enjoying some peace and quiet in my life for a nice change. I have meet so many wonderful people on the web I am grateful for that. There are also a lot of not so nice people on the web...but is this not life in reality as well.
Take care for now and hope to post again soon,
Pixies:)
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