New Year

Happy New Year,

2008 has arrived, time really doesn't wait for anyone. I had some very good times over the holidays, and was able to visit a lot of friends and some family I haven't seen for a while.

I am more content now, and I am setting up a routine in my life. I still get very lonely by times but that will only ease with time and the company of friends. I am beginning to notice a lot of nature here now. There are many types of birds around here, as well as a lot of dogs running around, one in particular is very friendly and likes people throwing his ball for him that he takes everywhere with him.

I am having a sleepless night, which sometimes is normal for me. When it becomes quiet, and I become bored, my mind drifts back to past events and I cannot stop those thoughts. I believe this is the minds way of dealing with trauma, it waits until the individual can revisit a nightmare. My hope is that, this is the beginning of my true healing and the acceptance of what has happened to me.

I do not like these nights, as these thoughts still scare me, but if this will one day stop them from happening, then I would rather deal with them now. My thoughts now drift to many different things in my life. One strong sense I get is to continue to explore myself and who I really am.
By that I mean trying to figure out what I like as an individual.

I have never been on my own long enough to know what my wants, needs and likes are. Now these thoughts are foreign to me as I never ask myself these questions. You see, I have heard the saying, "it doesn't matter, or no one cares", so much throughout my life that I believed it and never thought any different...until this past year.

As you can tell my mind and all the questions in it are working again. On nights like this it would be so nice to have someone to talk to about them, and I am sure if I wanted someone here I could find some company. But I will not rush into that, first I need to figure myself out.
I am hoping that spring and a little freedom to explore will help me find some of the answers I am looking for, and maybe the contentment to stay alone.

I know I am not the only one asking these questions, and no one can tell us the answer. We must wait until the time is right, and believe that we now walk the path to our destiny. One thing I have always felt very strongly since my nightmare began, and that is that this had to happen, and somehow a wrong has been righted by these events passing. I don't pretend to understand it, but it must come to pass, and it must be completed to repair, or correct that which was very wrong in the cosmic universe. These events will somehow put me back onto some unknown path that I must journey on.

If I am honest, and most won't believe this, but I had...for lack of a better word, visions of some of these events. I did not see all the horror that awaited me, but I have seen an ending of sorts for many years but never understood it. And I don't mean as I would watch a movie, but simply I saw myself standing looking back at where I use to live and I knew I had to leave that place and all that went with it. A sense of right was so powerful, I couldn't deny it. I have seen this vision so many times I can remember most of the details including my thoughts as I looked on.

No I don't pretend to understand this, and it took me a long to to except it, but now I know it had a purpose and I was being told or warned, but I didn't listen or except it until all this happened. Now I know I need to listen, and try to follow whatever is ahead.

I will try to take you all with me on this personal journey, and maybe help some of you to understand there is a reason for this madness, we just cannot see it or understand it. Believe that there is a force out there guiding us, trying to lead us on our next important life lesson.
My belief is that in the end, we need to go through this stage in our existence in order to achieve the enlightenment on the other side of understanding.

Remain strong and believe, and we will make it,
Pixies:)