Deep thoughts

Hello,

I am finally just about ready for Christmas, a couple more things to pick up and then I can relax.
Now that this season is here, I find myself reflecting on the good I experienced in and with people.

I had become cynical of everyone because of everything that has happened over the last 6 months. I had lost my faith in the fact that most people are good, and I needed to experience that once more to remember this story.

I won't tell the details but someone just did something for me out of the goodness of their heart. I did not ask, as a matter of fact I never said a word about what I needed, but because of this person I now have something that was a need but I couldn't get alone.

This has brought back to me, another good memory. This happened one day a few years ago, while I was working as a housekeeper. I went to clean the room of a terminal resident who was having a hard time excepting his outcome. I had ask if it was ok to clean his room, and yes he wanted some company.

As I started to clean I could see he was greatly depressed, and I ask if I should leave, he said no, but ask, "would you answer a question if you know"? I knew it was going to be a very serious question, and I told him I would try.

He said something along the lines of, "Do you think we pay for everything we have done in our lives, and if we spent all of our lives doing right and good would it make a difference in the end, and would it matter if we believe in God or not?"...

Well this I will tell you is not my expertise, but I thought quietly for a few minutes and reflected on what I believe. I finally said to him, I can tell you what I think, that doesn't make it right, nor does it make it wrong. It is my opinion only, do you want to hear it?

He said yes please do, I sat on the side of his bed and said something similar to this.
Life throws most people some hard things and times to deal with, we all wonder if there can be such a wonderful being out there watching us as we suffer so, and doesn't seem to help or interfere, but rather watches us in our misery.

Some of these life lessons can be cruel beyond belief, and so painful that we just about collapse under the burden. We almost certainly have to build invisible walls of protection as a means of blocking some of the pain out, and yes that means we with-draw from our fellow man, and our emotions are guarded.

Then I believe once we reach this level, then mistrust sets in, and the "I don't care" attitude.
We then have pretty much become part of what made us this way in the first place. It is so easy to stay in this place and hide from life, we become very comfortable living in our created world and let very few in, or help very few.

But I also have to believe that unless we experience this pain and suffering, we would never understand the pain of others. I believe there does come a time when we once again want to help everyone we can through their troubles. Maybe that wonderful being knows: if life was so easy, we would have no reason to question our faith, and that everyone would believe. Maybe I said, if we can survive through our pain and misery, and somehow realize that there must be a reason that we don't or can't understand for these things to happen.
And maybe when we get to the end of this physical life, and still have faith, and believe in the one greatness we all know as our maker...then maybe, just maybe... that will be enough, and all that is required.

This man sat and looked in the other direction and stared blankly for a few minutes. I went to get up, but he reached out and took my hand. He said thank you, I don't know if it is true or not, and the fear of the unknown takes us away from those thoughts of understanding. I am not proud of some of the things I did in my life, but yes I did learn many lessons from them.

And maybe you are right, I was questioning my faith as to how and why I could be lying here in this state of pain and suffering, and no heavenly help has come to me. Maybe in the end, that help will be there...when I need it most of all. I will keep the faith, and the belief, that this is all for a reason and maybe that will carry me through. Thank you again, he said, I am still very scared, and yes even angry, but I do and will believe.

I hugged him as we both had tears in our eyes, because we shared a bit of understanding and faith. You see, even if what I said wasn't true or right, it didn't matter. Without a cent, or an inconvenience we both felt the good that came out of that conversation.

We the two of us together, created a possibility of hope, in this world that can be so cruel and push us a side as if we don't matter. Now that I am beginning to remember some of these events in my life, it is helping me to be content with myself.

You see I have realized something else recently. I was always the one who went around telling people to enjoy the real meaning of Christmas, and not this store bought one that now exists. But this year I was the cynical one who was saying, I will be glad when it is over, and that I am only going through the motions.

Now I see the wrong in that, and I need to practise what I preach. Although I am not overly religious, I claim no named faith, my faith is that I believe. I don't believe in putting a label on it, or a certain name or church. Faith is something that we carry within us, and is there all the time, not just in certain places.

When I stop and think about the ever lasting love of God and his son, I truly feel a spark or a flame of strong emotion in my soul, I can feel it with-in me. Some of you may not agree with what I have said, and you are equally entitled to your beliefs, I would never say that they are wrong...how would any of us know in this world?

So in ending my story, although I am hurt and disillusioned with my life...I do believe and I must remember why a gift is given. It is not for me to judge what the receiver of the gift thinks of it, only that it was given for the right reasons, even if it is not the right color, or brand name.

Try to believe my friends, because in the end...faith is all we can take with us.

May the true meaning of the season be with you,
Pixies:)