Headache

Hello,

I didn't go to work today as I have had a bad headache for a couple of days now. I don't know if it is from the cold or the stress I have been under lately. I do know the stress isn't helping and this morning I had more news that my X has removed one of the outside buildings from the property.

Oh my does it ever end, how in the world can he keep removing these things and nothing can be done. Let me go and do that and see what in the heck happens. I am getting very tired of trying to be nice about this. Maybe I need to become what he is, it seems to be working for him.

Maybe if I just go take what I want, and sell it or give it away I will begin to come a head in this life. I know that is not logical, but what has the logic got me so far? A major headache is what, have I contacted my lawyer, of course, will I be able to do anything about it...of course not. This really is a mans world, and the only thing it seems I could do is move back into my home, no one has the right to stop me. And wait until I am killed, so he gets charged with murder, or until he attacks me again and then I can have him removed.

I really thought that in today's society things had improved when It came to equal and fair rights, but I can tell you nothing has changed in the least. I will literally have to be killed by him, and then they would say they couldn't prove he did it.

I worked just as hard for the things he is selling and giving away, I am paying my own way in life, always have. And he gets to live there for free and buy different a vehicle, I just don't see where that is fair. I thought my life had an equal value to his in the grand scheme of things but apparently I don't. So where does that leave me...well apparently in the world alone, because I believed we are all equal. I always believe good would eventually beat out evil and that there was a happy ever after down this long road. But I am now beginning to believe I am wrong, and the only way for me to win is to do something drastic.

Now my head is splitting again, time to put the breaks on my thoughts as they are. But everyone out there who reads this needs to open their eyes as I have...nothing is fair, nothing is right, and the meaner you are in this world, the farther a head you will come out.

Yes at this time that is just how I feel, and yes I am beginning to believe it and worse...nobody really cares as long as it doesn't interfere with their life. But what some don't seem to get is this could be their life very shortly, and who will be left standing by your side?

Is there a reason,
Pixie

Sanctuary

Hello again,

I took a walk down to my newly discovered sanctuary tonight after work. It is an amazing place, tonight I noticed something I didn't notice last night, another path going through the woods by the brook. I followed this path and noted that after a rain I wouldn't be able to cross here, for I could see the water would cover this place.

But I pushed on and came out to the river, I don't want to tell to many details of this place because I don't want certain people to find me. Let me tell you when I submerged from this almost hidden path I was struck by the fact that I felt I was here before. I know I never was, but it was uncanny how I felt.

I played around one time and painted a picture, it wasn't great but you could make some things out. Let me tell you, a couple of things stood out immediately for me that resembled what I tried to paint. I couldn't believe it. I went back to my place and grabbed my camera once again and took some pictures. Now by first looking at what I painted and the pictures I took, most wouldn't see the resemblance, but if one looked at it from the other side of the river to where I was standing, and where I took the pictures, it would be obvious to some including me.

Somehow what I painted was younger, by that I mean the grass was shorter, the water level was higher and the rocks a little different, but in relatively the same place. My painting was almost that of the same spot, but somehow in the distant past. It is amazing how so many coincident can happen in a lifetime. I have had similar things happen throughout my life, the feeling of living this life for the second time...and yes apparently making the same mistakes every time.

I joked with my friend tonight that I finally lost it, I told her I must be in a comma somewhere waiting for my next shot of med's!! Ha ha, how else does one explain all these crazy things that we think happened. Well if nothing else it gave me some interesting thoughts, and if what I am expecting does happen, I might even have something to enjoy for a while...it is the ending that I don't like. But this is just a fantasy, so it is all in fun, put the straight jacket away...for now:)
I am not about to live in this make believe world of mine...for the time being it is keeping me occupied for a while.

Be good to each other, you may need someones help one day,
Pixie:)

Hidden

Hello again,

Well as I said when I re-edited my post this morning I had to change my plans as my X was off today as well.
But I went for a blueberry muffin, oh so good and a coffee. Then I walked around the store for a while and then went and visited my 92 year old friend. She is not feeling well, and has a bad cough, but I am so glad I went and saw her.

I was expecting her to be sleepy, but when I got there she was just a humming a little tune. I really enjoy her when she is in this mood, and we had an hours worth of conversation and laughter. I will be so glad when I can visit her in the evenings again every now and then. But for now we have the afternoons, and we will enjoy what time we can together.

When I left there I went to visit my friend Kelly for a bit, then I came home and had a nap…I find the older I get the better I like to have a nap on a day like this. When I woke I decided it was finally time to explore the area where I am staying. This is the first time I wanted to do that, I noticed a little path in the back of this place and decided to check it out.

I took my time and enjoyed the sun streaming through the trees, a hawk was calling out and a slight breeze rustled the leaves on the trees. When I got down over a little hill I caught my breath in wonderment, here hidden away was a small area around the brook that runs pass my place. This place is beautiful, what a treasure I have discovered! I will now spend more of my time here; as I approached the water; I spooked a couple of deer who were gracing on the other side of the bank. I believe I have just found my sanctuary, a place to go and think and just be me.

I have added a couple of pictures of this place, it was evening when I took these pictures so they are a little dark, but you can see the calm that surrounds this place. After my discovery I went back and got my camera and took some pictures, I had to hurry as my friend was coming for a while this evening. I showed her the pictures and next weekend I will take her there for her to enjoy this place.

This was the first time I have ventured out for a walk and I must say it was very nice and relaxing. I had a couple of upsets today but this walk helped, and my friend and I went for some chilly, now that just has to warm the soul. It was a very good evening, my friend and I just sat and talked. We talked about everything from being lonely to falling in love or ending up alone, it is nice to be able to talk to someone about these things, and I know she feels the same way.

I guess I should soon call it a night as I am back to work tomorrow, I know I will be busy for the next four days. I will worry about the weekend when it gets here again, until then I wish you all a peaceful week.

Pixie:)

Good morning

Hello everyone,

I am having a pretty good morning this morning and I want to share that good feeling with you. My cold is much better and my mind seems to be handling things great. I still get very upset by times but I now know I am moving on and forward.

This being a holiday gives me another day off, and I am hoping to enjoy it a bit. I will explain that remark tonight in detail. I woke early this morning, 6am to be exact, so much for sleeping in. I forced myself to lie there for a half and hour and then I just had to get up.

I have noticed the chill in the air in the mornings, fall is approaching fast. Although I love this time of year I don't like the bitter cold that follows, so go out and enjoy this beautiful weather while you can.

I decided I wanted some breakfast this morning, I decided to have something I haven't had for a while now. I scrambled up two eggs with a folk, I add, sugar, cinnamon, and a little Vanilla. Once I have this mixed I then add just a little can milk and pour it directly into a hot pan. Once it is firm on one side I flip it over and add some cubed ham over the top and sprinkle some shredded cheese over it. When the other side is firm I start to fold this into quarters until all is hot and the cheese is melted. One word of caution if you try this, do not have your pan to hot as it will burn before it is ready. Now enjoy. I hope some of you try this as it is a tasty treat every now and then.

Well I must go and prepare for the day, the sun is up and the birds are out my front door having their breakfast of some bread heels I have put there for them. Have a great day, and I will write more tonight.

Well it is now 8:39 and I am back to edit this post. I was hoping where it was a holiday my X who usually works, wouldn't interfere with me enjoying some freedom today...but you know what they say about making plans. I just found out he is not working today which means I have to go back to being very careful.Oh well I will just have to change my plans a bit, because I will not sit home all day today.The one thing I have gotten very good at is calling 911 if needed!

Keep smiling,
Pixie:)

Better

Hello,

My cold seems to be better tonight, the chills have gone and I can breath again for the most part. I am very happy over that. My friend and I was out and about today for a while, time goes so fast when we are together. That is something I do still miss and I guess I always will, that is company. It seems I was always going somewhere or people were around and about, but now there is only silence here.

A lot of people wish for peace and quiet, and I did also for a while...but let me tell you too much of it is not good either. But I have no choice as there really is no one left to visit me or for me to visit, so here I sit. I will be moving in a couple of months, I am so looking forward to that. I will at least be around people again and then I will go out and socialize a bit.

I will be within walking distance of a lot of places, including some good drinks:)) And I have every intention of starting to enjoy myself and the company of others. I would be doing that now if not for certain people. Today was the first time I actually saw what he does, yes I am talking about my X. My friend and I was having a late lunch when we looked out and saw him combing through the parking lot. I know he was looking for my car, he passed all the empty parking spaces and went up and down the rows of parking places. I couldn't believe it, what arrogance, then he left so why else was he there.


I really do look back and wonder how I could have stayed with him for so long. He has shown nothing but hate since this all began, so that tells me there was no love there to begin with. How could I have been so blind for all of those years. This really makes me wonder what it would be like if someone really loved me, and I truly loved them. I hope one day to find out, and this time I hope it is real, if it happens that is.

I do miss not having someone to talk too, and having someone around to share things with. But for now that is just how it will have to be. So for now I will content myself with the knowledge that soon I will be somewhere when I can come and go as I please, with caution of course. And maybe get out there and meet some new people and experience life once more.

Have a good night,
Pixie:)

Cold

Hello,

Well it would seem this cold has finally caught up with me. It has been making its rounds at work for a while now. Now what is it they say...lots of rest...I don't think so:)

I did go to work again today, my usual seems to be six days a week now, but I like to be busy. I was going out tonight for a few drinks, but now it looks like I will be staying home with a box of tissue. Oh well there are worse things in life...

Speaking of which, there was another minor incident today concerning my X. I wonder will he ever get it? I am beginning to think I will have to stay hidden forever at this rate, and that really isn't fair. We might have share a life, but he gave up all rights to that the minute he tried to sleep with someone else, and then tried to physically harm me.

I knew it was too quiet for too long, but I will have to just go with it, what else can I do but keep reporting this stuff to the police so they can add it to that file which is growing at an unbelievable rate.

Oh well I guess I will have to take some strong cold pills, and then dream about that fantasy dream man I invented. That will hopefully keep me occupied for a while:))

Until next time,
Pixie

Making Sense

Hello,

I believe I am on the verge of figuring some things out. Let me begin by explaining that my situation doesn't follow conventional actions of violence. My 25 year relationship wasn't always bad, there was some good times through out our marriage. There was no physical abuse until that one night, and there was no fits of jealousy. You see, if anything there was a lack of good caring emotions and interests.

I am not ashamed of the fact that I am seeing a councilor, and that I have contacted Harbour House. If any of you are in trouble or are unsure if you even need help, the number is in the book, they have many means to help you, even just to answer questions if need be. For me it is in the form of talking and making plans. Now that I have said that I will continue with my thoughts.

I now believe the 14 year age difference between me and my X, has become a major factor in our lack of similar interests. Are you asking why I am saying these things or telling you?
Well I am beginning to understand I need to know what went wrong, so I never make the same mistake again. But more important; to cope with my situation, and the fear that has come where it has never lived before.

I am beginning to get a glimmer that all of this pain is for a reason, I am not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers, rather; maybe finally a beginning to understand my personal misery and why it is so strong. I am now wondering if in a small way I may be able to help some who suffer as I do. I am sorry I can't explain more just yet as this is just the beginning of this idea.

My want now is too reach out to others, in a way that will help them find a little hope. This has only began to dawn on me in the last hours so I do not have it all figured out yet, but I already know how important it could become.

And to think, I owe it all to a miller and a chipmunk. And you know I haven't seen my little friend since, but I know he is there and watching. The feelings that have begun to stir again are now almost...lining up my current thoughts. I will be helping myself as well as others, how perfect is that. The one thing that will snap me out of my own problems, is by helping others with theirs in very small ways.

I am hoping the moving forward is happening now and I have allowed my hopes to rise a bit. Somehow it feels like the here and now have changed, and the wheel as they say is turning. But in the same breath I must not let my guard down, I know too well how fast things can happen and escalate out of control. So now I will look for a balance of helping, along with caution.

All I can add to this is,
It is time,
Pixie