Loss

Hello everyone, I had to put my cat down tonight and loss doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I had taken another cat in a while back from the nursing home I worked in, but this cat was so different. Maximum acted different and was different, but he made his way right into my heart. I am so lost tonight trying to understand how I lost him after having him for such a short time. For the first time since I am on my own he was with me 24/7 as I worked from my home. Oh yes we had struggles but soon he was waking me in the morning in the nicest way, and made sure he got his cuddles before sleeping each night. For the first time in a long time I opened my heart and let him in... and he was taken. I struggle with this as to why, when it seems love only leads to pain. I know the saying, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... well I am not sure about that. It seems to me that love has lead to nothing but pain in my life, if it hasn't for you then God has blessed you. Maybe this is my lesson in life... stay alone and protect your heart... for no one else will. The pain in this story tonight is real and raw and maybe I will feel different tomorrow. But for those of you who have read my whole blog, I think you will understand my bewilderment. Seems to me if I remain alone I can avoid nights like this when the world seems to go on and I am stuck in so much pain. This blog is about truth and this is my truth for this night... it will be a long night for me. Maximum my cat is not here for his cuddles and my assurance I am not alone. I hope you all appreciate those humans in your life as well as those adopted creatures you have in your life as an extended family. Until next time, Pixies

Unsettled

Hello everyone, I am so unsettled in mind and thought lately I have not written much. As all people I take my turn in being uneasy, confused and unnerved. My hand is growing increasingly more painful making not only work difficult even with shorter hours, but everyday life as well. Tonight I thought how ironic, I have to sit and think about doing simple everyday things and ask myself is it worth it? I know my hand will drive me crazy afterwards. I know I should not complain as so many have it worse, and I am grateful I can move it at all. I know I cannot change the past and prevent it from happening, I cannot seem to find a way to fix it. This puts me in a dilemma, I have to work too survive... but how long can I continue to endure this daily torture.... more so what will come when that day arrives. We all worry about different things in out lives, I wanted to share this day and my emotions with you so you know your not alone in your pain and misery. We all suffer either physically or mentally, and we can all become emotional roller coaster by times. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe a good one... the cup is half full, not half empty, so I will continue to fight to see life that way.... ice cream helps too lol None of us know what lies ahead of us, but we must keep taking those steps... one at a time, if we fall back then maybe we will take two forward and catch up. Walk with me my friends through the good and bad, for none of us are immune to life and its lessons... the trick is to get past those bad days... even if it takes ice cream to do it :) Take care always, Pixies

Unseen

Hello everyone, I am here and elsewhere looking learning living, making mistake and being human. Like everyone I have a sad story of life and learning. I am only beginning to realize what spirituality means. Once a few years ago I came so close to the very essence of nature it was almost unreal. I could sense what was going on, I could feel what I could not see, I could almost touch what was beyond the visual site as we know it. Lessons being shown through natural objects as acorns, flower, pollen and gentle breezes. But as all things I lost that wonderful spiritual peaceful fulfillment. I felt I was about to step through an unseen door when life came charging through and knocked me back into a harsh reality. So many things happening and no time to continue looking and striving for the unseen. A traumatic divorce, losing everything including once thought friends and drifting alone in a vast sea of misery left me closed. I think so many time about trying to return to that wonderful spiritual place but somehow I have link that place with the forbidden. I wonder if all things happened because I was growing ever closer to something so wonderful and all knowing that other forces put a crashing halt to my journey. I hope one day to try and reach that level of awareness again. First I must over come that fear and try to let go of those horrible memories that shape us physically and remain mentally. As the sun warms us and I sit with it upon my face, and close my eyes I know it is still there waiting. The light enters my being and enlightens my thoughts as it warms me, encourages me to move forward. One day I am sure it will be, but for now I must be patient and wait as it does not feel the time to continue that jouney…. yet. Keep smiling, Pixies

My thoughts and I own them they apply to all:

Many trees grow in the forest, some grow big and powerful and over shadow all others it deems beneath itself. I say that powerful tree is bound and rooted the same as all that is beneath it. It may give many seeds in life, and they may grow... but one day that mighty tree will become as the earth it came from and wither. Will it's seedling support it or do seedlings grow for their own ownership in the forest. Will that once mighty tree look for support from those it has over shadowed, for those trees in their wisdom have learn to enjoy what has been given, they have not fought to reach the top of arrogance.

Having a heart

Hello again, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the human heart... life's blood... the blood of life. Without this beating, the life force would disappear and into the next realm we go. However I also believe the emotional heart is just as important as the physical heart, and just as critical. So many sad stories of emotionally broken hearts, including my own, beat to a sadness not seen or even felt. Somehow living with this unseen trauma is almost worse than a heart attack. It seems lately I have talked too so many broken hearts, more than usual. With the shrinking world of the internet also comes the growing pain of mistrust and illusions. There is a barrier built around every heart once it has been injured (hurt), and it never falls away as the first innocent heart we were born with. That barrier I believe last the rest of our lives no matter if we find real love again or not. As I get older I have slowed my want to be with someone as I have learned... life is never what we expect it to be....and to be honest I am sure I could not compromise my life away again. I see the pain in the eyes of so many I know... some single ... some not. I find this subject fascinating, no other thing on earth would make us want to try again and be hurt... except for a captivating smile, the sound of a certain laugh... or the twinkle in someones eye. Suddenly the head starts to think well what if... the heart replies... and if not, and the battle of inner turmoil ensues. Be it a good experience or one that almost destroys us, we contemplate the next may be the right one. I know some who just choose to be together simply for the convenience of existence, some just do not want to be alone... they stay without this word of love...or the meaning of it. Unconditional love... really .... do you think so? Or is it more... well what else is there? Some couples seem happy and still have a real smile on their face. So much temptation in this world now, seems many have no morals when it comes to "other peoples partners" I guess I am old school, if you make a commitment and your no longer happy at least tell your partner and leave it on those terms... rather than destroy others emotional hearts. And then there are the users... no one else around so you will do for now kind of people... they are the worst as they play on peoples loneliness. I have seen the aftermath of those people on so many of my friends... not good. More barriers built, more hearts broken. I guess my thoughts on this are the fact at how strong the human heart is... it takes all the physical problems and illnesses, then it survives the emotional breakage which for some end up being the finality in a life of struggle. My people...my family and my friends... please remember... we are in fact human... we do break even if it is not seen physically. Treat others with respect by at least being honest and true. In the end of our time... if we have to face the mirror of truth about our whole life... do not have so many broken hearts floating around blocking the view of the good things you have done. These are just my thoughts, no one in particular has brought on these words... just a thought that started and grew until finally I had to release it into words. Until next time my friends, Pixies

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone, this is a season for forgiveness as difficult as that is sometimes. Recently had a something very disappointing happen in my life and hurtful... but forgiveness is divine, we never forget we just move forward. Today it is 12.12.12 and soon it will be the 12th hour also, so many predictions for this month. The only thing I am sure of if something does happen there is nothing we can do about it... if nothing happens the bills still have to be paid lol I am still working from home doing call center work, not easy with my hand as it is a lot more typing than I thought... but again trying to move forward. So much pain and sorrow in life and all around us that we tend to forget everyone is human. The pain we all feel is real and raw and it burns hotter than any volcano ever will, the trick is to stop the flow or at least slow it down by fighting it and facing it rather than trying to run from it... life follows when we run... life pauses when we turn and face it. For all the good and bad in all our lives U and Me are human, except it, deal with it the best you can and remember you... U... are not the only one. God bless you all and may the true meaning, peace and forgiveness find you all. Merry Christmas, Pixies

Hello everyone, Good news finally, I have been working at the call center the last 2 weeks. Today I got a call confirming I have been hired for the at home job I have been trying to get for months!! I am happy and excited to go through this new adventure and see where and how it goes. On a bad note, having major problems with my car, took it to so called professionals who told me it was safe to drive only to find out the back tire could have collapsed at anytime! Yes I have reported it to the better business burro and it is being investigated. Fall is here and this is my favorite time of year, fresh air, less bugs and soon the start of beautiful colored leaves. For once I look forward to it coming as I am becoming more content now in my life. I have accepted that which has happen, the things I can not change, and what I have at the moment. I do hope all who read my blog also find happiness in their life no matter how small it is... enjoy it, celebrate it for life is one big lesson to be learned but never understood. Have a great night, Pixies

Strange orange lights

Hello everyone, I have a strange story to tell you and I swear it is true. I am in Nova Scotia Canada, Lunenburg county, at approximately 9:12 PM I looked out my window and saw 5 or 6 orange balls going through the sky. At first I thought someone was shooting fireworks, but within seconds I knew it wasn't. There was very high thin clouds scattered about but none blocking my view. I watched as these lights appeared to be going towards the upper atmosphere and then disappear... and not behind a cloud. I ran to grab my camera but only got a fading shot of one just before it disappeared. I was amazed and bewildered at what I was seeing, after the lights disappeared I went back inside(I went out back to snap the picture I took). All this happened in a few minuets, so I went to the front door to look out... Out front I saw a shadow crossing by the moon!... it was huge compared to the half moon, and it did not have any lights on it at all that I could see... again I would say it appeared the object was in the upper atmosphere as it appeared as a shadow in the clear sky.I saw this object because of the moon light and because it seemed to be close to the moon. After seeing this object I couldn't help but wonder... could it have been tracer fire I had seen chasing that object only a few minuets before?... I am not sure, I only know it appeared to be that way and I DID want to share this story!! No I am not drinking and I do not do drugs, but there is definitely something going on in this area tonight. I am keeping an eye on the sky but I have not seen anything since this time. This just goes to prove truth really is stranger than fiction! Look up and be amazed, Pixies :)

Moving on

Hello everyone, Well I guess it is time to move forward,and move on into a new job with new experiences. After testing my hand/wrist at work after a year and a half, I was very disappointed that I would not be able to continue with heavy physical use of it. I am starting a new job on Monday Aug. 20th at the call center. I am looking forward to a new challenge and I hope for long term employment. I know what your thinking... and yes I have heard the stories of working there too, but I prefer to try it and judge it for myself. Seems life moves us where we need to be even if not where we want to be. I am amazed how things worked out in my last job... Two of the former residents there were actually known to my Godmother whom I respected very much. This lead to conversations and a closeness of an extended family. Unfortunately all of these wonderful ladies have passed away and the last just after I found out I would not be working there again. It seems to me life went full circle,I strongly believe I was meant to know these other two ladies, and know them as well as my wonderful Godmother. With the circle being complete, it seems so was mine, as I was finished there not by my choice but again by fate. With this insight I do believe I am meant to move on now and start new again... something I should be use to now. I do wonder if all things happen for a reason, what or who is it I will be meant to know on this journey. Only time will answer that question but some things are better not known. As far as my personal life, yes still single. I have dated and met many nice men, just not the match I am looking for. My thought is after a failed 25 year marriage I have lived that part of life, now maybe I will remain single as I will never settle for anything except real, true and honest love. So my friends, again one step at a time, one time for each journey as we never know how far or how long the journey will be. Except it, walk with it, and understand there is always a reason even if we can not figure out the WHY'S of life. Take care, move forward and open your mind to the other possibility in life, Pixies

Sad news

It has been a while since I posted and I do have some updates, I will be updating in the near future of my life changes. For now I respectfully give voice and the written sorrow of a very dear friend(family) member if not by blood then by heart. Gladys Zwicker 1912-2012 Zwicker, Gladys Elisheba - 99, Mahone Bay, formerly of Camperdown, passed away July 27, 2012 in Mahone Nursing Home, Mahone Bay. Born in Camperdown, she was a daughter of the Late Collin and Hattie (Sarty) Naugler. Private Family Graveside will be held at a later date in Christ Lutheran Cemetery, Camperdown. On-line condolences may be made by visiting www.corkumfuneralhome.ca This women lived a very long 99 years and I was very honored to know her, another angel has just returned to heaven. God bless you Gladys I will not forget you as I carry you in my heart always. Pixies

Comments

I keep getting notifications that I have comments, but when I come to this blog there is none there. If you are leaving comments sorry I am not getting them.

Reality

Hello everyone, well the news is not good... I can no long do my job and I no longer have a job. The old saying is true things go from bad to worse in life, and when they do we always end up alone and face everything alone. Not sure where things will go next, but then no one does for sure in life. Pixies

Changes coming

Well this blog has certainly changed since my last post, like all things changes happen. Finally after over a year I am going to return to work and try doing my old duties again. For those of you who do not know I injured my hand in a fall at work in 2008, after receiving a steroid shot over a year ago, that went very bad I have been off ever since. This will be my final trial for this type of work, and really my hand still bothers me a lot. I am a person who needs to know for sure what will happen, so I must try for my own peace of mind. Like so many of us things happen that we can not control. How many times have I thought, "if only I could change that moment in time, what would my life be like now?" Of course there is no way of knowing but I do feel my life would be very different and better had I not fallen. I lost some of the movement of my hand, I will always have a level of pain. My ability to ride a bike, do crafts or any sports like activity is almost nil. My one saving grace is I can walk now in relative comfort provided I am aware of my surroundings. So in all this negative there is positive, I choose positive as the negative come far to easy in life. I am not sure what my future holds, where or what I will end up doing... but then again none of us do... past this moment in time. Many are bored or tired at their work right now wishing time forward... just remember, there may not always be something pleasant waiting at the end of this moment. I will try to keep my Blog updated now that it seems my life is about to change one way or another...and worse case scenario...keep me in mind if you know of a sedentary job opening lol Have a great day my friends, Pixies

Re: Flareups

I wanted to follow up my post from this morning, if you have not read it yet please read it before reading this one to make some sense of it. I went for my walk as planned this morning still feeling irritated, as I looked out the window in the sports center and saw the sun shining brightly and joyously in, I decided to use my energy as the sun does.

I closed my eyes and imagined the anger in me as a ball of red burning light, then I imagined beams of white light reaching inside of me from my head down, into my stomach and surround this burning ball of emotion. As the white light surrounded this red mass it began slowly lifting it from my body towards my head, once it reached my upper chest, and as my pace began to speed up from this energy the mass began to shrink.

The white light began to pull the red mass apart slowly into pieces and spread them to my arms, down to my legs and through every part of me until it was completely gone from within me.

What a wonderful feeling of relief and release as I raced around the track faster than I normally do. I am sure the other walkers thought I was trying to prove something when really I was just letting nature show me how to deal with something that did not feel good in my being.

As the energy was coursing through I finally began to calm and feel the normality return in my stride. What a wonderful way to deal with a bad feeling of irritation.
I hope my story gives some of you an idea how you can incorporate this idea into somethings you do if not walking.

God bless you all as you battle the eternal good VS evil, put into man in this emotional form.
Pixies

Flare ups

Good morning everyone,

I am sitting here this morning feeling irritated and aggravated for no apparent reason. I wondered about this feeling to try and find a reason for this unexpected mood, as I did so I looked out my window to see the morning sun in all of its glory, rising as a new and beautiful day begins.

I thought about all the articles I have read recently about solar flare ups more than normal this year... of course my mind matched that with my own emotional flare up this morning. Remembering a previous story I wrote here about nature still working on the evolution of humans, and the world we live in, I decided to just let it be as it is.

I wonder why we always look for a reason for our moods, when maybe for one day our minds and bodies don't need to make sense of every little thing in our life. After all, it is just me here so what is the harm... except for my blood pressure lol

Maybe we are to hard on ourselves trying to figure it out, I will soon go for my walk, maybe on this walk I will walk faster and father than normal... that can't be a bad thing.

The point I am trying to make, with myself as the example... let it be, if your the one feeling that way don't try to explain it, just let the mind have its way for a short time. I would not want this to go on for any amount of time, that would not be normal... or healthy... but just give yourself a break.

We are NOT a cut out pattern with our daily emotional planner in front of us to read. I am sure after some physical activity, I will be much better and will laugh when I remember this mood and realize... hey your just human and not perfect... just the way the creator planned it.

Have a great emotional day everyone,
Pixies

Understanding

Hello everyone,

No matter how old we are we are always learning lessons in life, recently I have learned a big one when it concerns friends. I always try to be there and help people in any way I can when they are going through a rough time in their life. Sometime just having someone to listen and understand is all we need, but sometimes that is not the case.

I just recently learned that in some cases it enables people to keep holding on and not deal with their issues because they keep giving their problems too you. One thing I know is we may not be responsible for what happens too us, but we are responsible in how we handle it... or in some cases do not deal with and accept it.

Only we can help ourselves in those steps forward, our family and friends can stand beside us but we must take the steps of free will. Staying in a bad situation and repeating the same mistakes over and over again only proves we have not moved forward.

Unfortunately people and the world do not wait forever for this too happen. After all the misery I went through it took me 2 years to completely move forward, but I made my first steps after a year to rid myself of as much of my problems as possible. I did seek the help of a professional in the terms of online counseling when I needed it.

This story is not about me but it is about many others out there who can not get past the pain and suffering they are enduring. I can only urge those of you have have not moved forward to seek the correct help. I can be a friend and I can listen but I can not change your life... only YOU can do that. Reach inside of yourself and look very hard, you will find the strength and the light to carry you forward.

Many tell me they can not take it anymore and have tried too end their life... I am very sorry to hear that, this is a desperate call for help... find that help... do not give up. If this is your test in life turn and face it head on... fight it talk about it and reach for those professional hands that are out there waiting to help you. I wish you God's speed in this help...

Understand I am not a therapist, I am merely a simple person with problems just like everyone else. My purpose is to let you know you are not alone in these problems we all face in different ways... Stop waiting for the help to find you... go out and find it and begin your healing and find your hope.... help is out there for those who look. A miracle no, a long slow path to recovering who you are or want to be YES.

For all who need to hear it...YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Until next time,
Pixies

2012

Hello everyone,

A new year is almost upon us, I wish you all a good and wonderful beginning in every aspects of your life. I have given a lot of thought to this year, so many changes and so many things remain the same. I have made some wonderful friends, as well as learned some painful truths. But the lessons of life must be learned and I believed shared so all know it happens to others and not just them.

I will push through this year and into the next facing forward, reaching out my hand to all who wish to walk with me in this life and into the new beginning of a new year... welcome one and all ...what ever the new year holds lets hold onto each other and greet it whether it is good, bad happy or sad at least we can keep our friends with us to share it all.

Happy New Year my friends and family,
Pixies.

Christmas

I want to take this opportunity to wish you all a safe and Merry Christmas. The true meaning of Christmas is forgiveness as Jesus was born to forgive our sins. So forget the humbugs of Christmas and the fact that many are alone or can not afford to celebrate.

To those who are alone, you still have visitors... we may not know your name but God does and he is always beside you. The poor will inherit more through their humble state as long as the faith and believe of love remains in your heart.

Be blessed my friends and embrace those around you as they are your most precious gift. God be with you and protect you.

Merry CHRISTmas,
Pixies

November Thoughts

Good morning my friends,

As I look out my window and see a blanket of frost covering my world I know winter is fast approaching. I love to watch the sun touch the frozen entity as it rises to another day, witnessing the steam and crystal effect is unmatched in beauty.

This makes me think of frozen hearts, covered and protected from all that surround it. Recently someone told me I have boarders around my heart, strange thought... but as I considered this maybe they are right.

As humans we live we learn, we laugh we cry, we remember we forget... but the pain of disillusionment never goes away completely. I believe this is our protector of future pains, also a wisdom is obtained in not running, falling and getting no where fast. Eventually we all move on, but do we really ever let the boarders down again?

I have answered this question in my own way, I explained that unless it is the right touch of sunshine, with its warming embrace,and a gentle mist unseen, then yes a blanket of frost will protect and cover our hearts. Equally many have told me they will never allow that sunshine to touch the outer layers of their hearts, I say it is a lesson and caution is needed.

Shadows fall upon everyone, blocking the warmth and the light that fills us with happiness at some point in our life, the trick is to know, to be aware,and not to block the very light that can melt the pain of yesterday, and re-fill the hope of a loving future.

Understanding is not easily given or seen through pain and despair, we all must wait for the gentle touch of life to return after a frozen land in winter. Keep scrapping the frost and it will return, wait for the sun and it will melt and nourish the soul... for even the sun must endure the winter and travel on a different path for a season.

Journey on my friends for the season will change after what will seem a very long winter.

Until next time,
Pixies

Tested

Hello everyone I hope you are all well.

I am sure many of you as I, feel tested in our daily life. Troubles seem to grow the minute one thing goes wrong, then it seems to be none stop. We take deep breathes curse, and seem to lose what little control we maintain in that moment.

This makes me wonder how, when we factor in our age and how many years and times this happens... we still lose control. We can take a course and learn how to do or create, we can sit silently and contemplate life... we can juggle life, kids, work leisure... and yet we have trouble controlling our basic instincts.

I believe this to be our most basic instinct, look at the animals in nature and even in your own home. Survival, aggression, no tolerance for mistakes or even socializing with others in many species. Pets show this when sometimes you try to take their food or a favorite toy, or when someone enters the house.

It would seem to me as I look for an answer it is simply understood, nature still struggles and we are a species trying to survive in our own created wilderness. I believe if we did not vent by times we would be in a serious buildup mode, that may lead to serious issues in health.

What is my proof? None...

I simply try to analyze and make sense of it in my mind. That makes it easy as I have no need to prove anything to myself, but to spread a possibility is to open the mind and consider life. I share my thoughts to maybe open the mind of another to consider what you see instead of hiding it in a dark dreary place.

Once we let the light of understanding in and then remember; we are human, we are animal, we are nature. Most important...we must except our faults and limitations and move forward in our evolution... maybe we will be the first to end the aggression that comes so easy to a very emotional breed of beings.

I know this entree will make many shake their heads and wonder what in the heck I am talking about ... I am simply putting thoughts into words, and releasing the questions that arise so naturally.

Think, be,understand,for that is to be human.
Pixies