Loss

Hello everyone, I had to put my cat down tonight and loss doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I had taken another cat in a while back from the nursing home I worked in, but this cat was so different. Maximum acted different and was different, but he made his way right into my heart. I am so lost tonight trying to understand how I lost him after having him for such a short time. For the first time since I am on my own he was with me 24/7 as I worked from my home. Oh yes we had struggles but soon he was waking me in the morning in the nicest way, and made sure he got his cuddles before sleeping each night. For the first time in a long time I opened my heart and let him in... and he was taken. I struggle with this as to why, when it seems love only leads to pain. I know the saying, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... well I am not sure about that. It seems to me that love has lead to nothing but pain in my life, if it hasn't for you then God has blessed you. Maybe this is my lesson in life... stay alone and protect your heart... for no one else will. The pain in this story tonight is real and raw and maybe I will feel different tomorrow. But for those of you who have read my whole blog, I think you will understand my bewilderment. Seems to me if I remain alone I can avoid nights like this when the world seems to go on and I am stuck in so much pain. This blog is about truth and this is my truth for this night... it will be a long night for me. Maximum my cat is not here for his cuddles and my assurance I am not alone. I hope you all appreciate those humans in your life as well as those adopted creatures you have in your life as an extended family. Until next time, Pixies

Unsettled

Hello everyone, I am so unsettled in mind and thought lately I have not written much. As all people I take my turn in being uneasy, confused and unnerved. My hand is growing increasingly more painful making not only work difficult even with shorter hours, but everyday life as well. Tonight I thought how ironic, I have to sit and think about doing simple everyday things and ask myself is it worth it? I know my hand will drive me crazy afterwards. I know I should not complain as so many have it worse, and I am grateful I can move it at all. I know I cannot change the past and prevent it from happening, I cannot seem to find a way to fix it. This puts me in a dilemma, I have to work too survive... but how long can I continue to endure this daily torture.... more so what will come when that day arrives. We all worry about different things in out lives, I wanted to share this day and my emotions with you so you know your not alone in your pain and misery. We all suffer either physically or mentally, and we can all become emotional roller coaster by times. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe a good one... the cup is half full, not half empty, so I will continue to fight to see life that way.... ice cream helps too lol None of us know what lies ahead of us, but we must keep taking those steps... one at a time, if we fall back then maybe we will take two forward and catch up. Walk with me my friends through the good and bad, for none of us are immune to life and its lessons... the trick is to get past those bad days... even if it takes ice cream to do it :) Take care always, Pixies

Unseen

Hello everyone, I am here and elsewhere looking learning living, making mistake and being human. Like everyone I have a sad story of life and learning. I am only beginning to realize what spirituality means. Once a few years ago I came so close to the very essence of nature it was almost unreal. I could sense what was going on, I could feel what I could not see, I could almost touch what was beyond the visual site as we know it. Lessons being shown through natural objects as acorns, flower, pollen and gentle breezes. But as all things I lost that wonderful spiritual peaceful fulfillment. I felt I was about to step through an unseen door when life came charging through and knocked me back into a harsh reality. So many things happening and no time to continue looking and striving for the unseen. A traumatic divorce, losing everything including once thought friends and drifting alone in a vast sea of misery left me closed. I think so many time about trying to return to that wonderful spiritual place but somehow I have link that place with the forbidden. I wonder if all things happened because I was growing ever closer to something so wonderful and all knowing that other forces put a crashing halt to my journey. I hope one day to try and reach that level of awareness again. First I must over come that fear and try to let go of those horrible memories that shape us physically and remain mentally. As the sun warms us and I sit with it upon my face, and close my eyes I know it is still there waiting. The light enters my being and enlightens my thoughts as it warms me, encourages me to move forward. One day I am sure it will be, but for now I must be patient and wait as it does not feel the time to continue that jouney…. yet. Keep smiling, Pixies

My thoughts and I own them they apply to all:

Many trees grow in the forest, some grow big and powerful and over shadow all others it deems beneath itself. I say that powerful tree is bound and rooted the same as all that is beneath it. It may give many seeds in life, and they may grow... but one day that mighty tree will become as the earth it came from and wither. Will it's seedling support it or do seedlings grow for their own ownership in the forest. Will that once mighty tree look for support from those it has over shadowed, for those trees in their wisdom have learn to enjoy what has been given, they have not fought to reach the top of arrogance.

Having a heart

Hello again, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the human heart... life's blood... the blood of life. Without this beating, the life force would disappear and into the next realm we go. However I also believe the emotional heart is just as important as the physical heart, and just as critical. So many sad stories of emotionally broken hearts, including my own, beat to a sadness not seen or even felt. Somehow living with this unseen trauma is almost worse than a heart attack. It seems lately I have talked too so many broken hearts, more than usual. With the shrinking world of the internet also comes the growing pain of mistrust and illusions. There is a barrier built around every heart once it has been injured (hurt), and it never falls away as the first innocent heart we were born with. That barrier I believe last the rest of our lives no matter if we find real love again or not. As I get older I have slowed my want to be with someone as I have learned... life is never what we expect it to be....and to be honest I am sure I could not compromise my life away again. I see the pain in the eyes of so many I know... some single ... some not. I find this subject fascinating, no other thing on earth would make us want to try again and be hurt... except for a captivating smile, the sound of a certain laugh... or the twinkle in someones eye. Suddenly the head starts to think well what if... the heart replies... and if not, and the battle of inner turmoil ensues. Be it a good experience or one that almost destroys us, we contemplate the next may be the right one. I know some who just choose to be together simply for the convenience of existence, some just do not want to be alone... they stay without this word of love...or the meaning of it. Unconditional love... really .... do you think so? Or is it more... well what else is there? Some couples seem happy and still have a real smile on their face. So much temptation in this world now, seems many have no morals when it comes to "other peoples partners" I guess I am old school, if you make a commitment and your no longer happy at least tell your partner and leave it on those terms... rather than destroy others emotional hearts. And then there are the users... no one else around so you will do for now kind of people... they are the worst as they play on peoples loneliness. I have seen the aftermath of those people on so many of my friends... not good. More barriers built, more hearts broken. I guess my thoughts on this are the fact at how strong the human heart is... it takes all the physical problems and illnesses, then it survives the emotional breakage which for some end up being the finality in a life of struggle. My people...my family and my friends... please remember... we are in fact human... we do break even if it is not seen physically. Treat others with respect by at least being honest and true. In the end of our time... if we have to face the mirror of truth about our whole life... do not have so many broken hearts floating around blocking the view of the good things you have done. These are just my thoughts, no one in particular has brought on these words... just a thought that started and grew until finally I had to release it into words. Until next time my friends, Pixies

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone, this is a season for forgiveness as difficult as that is sometimes. Recently had a something very disappointing happen in my life and hurtful... but forgiveness is divine, we never forget we just move forward. Today it is 12.12.12 and soon it will be the 12th hour also, so many predictions for this month. The only thing I am sure of if something does happen there is nothing we can do about it... if nothing happens the bills still have to be paid lol I am still working from home doing call center work, not easy with my hand as it is a lot more typing than I thought... but again trying to move forward. So much pain and sorrow in life and all around us that we tend to forget everyone is human. The pain we all feel is real and raw and it burns hotter than any volcano ever will, the trick is to stop the flow or at least slow it down by fighting it and facing it rather than trying to run from it... life follows when we run... life pauses when we turn and face it. For all the good and bad in all our lives U and Me are human, except it, deal with it the best you can and remember you... U... are not the only one. God bless you all and may the true meaning, peace and forgiveness find you all. Merry Christmas, Pixies

Hello everyone, Good news finally, I have been working at the call center the last 2 weeks. Today I got a call confirming I have been hired for the at home job I have been trying to get for months!! I am happy and excited to go through this new adventure and see where and how it goes. On a bad note, having major problems with my car, took it to so called professionals who told me it was safe to drive only to find out the back tire could have collapsed at anytime! Yes I have reported it to the better business burro and it is being investigated. Fall is here and this is my favorite time of year, fresh air, less bugs and soon the start of beautiful colored leaves. For once I look forward to it coming as I am becoming more content now in my life. I have accepted that which has happen, the things I can not change, and what I have at the moment. I do hope all who read my blog also find happiness in their life no matter how small it is... enjoy it, celebrate it for life is one big lesson to be learned but never understood. Have a great night, Pixies