PixiesLane

Understanding

2012-01-24T11:23:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone,

No matter how old we are we are always learning lessons in life, recently I have learned a big one when it concerns friends. I always try to be there and help people in any way I can when they are going through a rough time in their life. Sometime just having someone to listen and understand is all we need, but sometimes that is not the case.

I just recently learned that in some cases it enables people to keep holding on and not deal with their issues because they keep giving their problems too you. One thing I know is we may not be responsible for what happens too us, but we are responsible in how we handle it... or in some cases do not deal with and accept it.

Only we can help ourselves in those steps forward, our family and friends can stand beside us but we must take the steps of free will. Staying in a bad situation and repeating the same mistakes over and over again only proves we have not moved forward.

Unfortunately people and the world do not wait forever for this too happen. After all the misery I went through it took me 2 years to completely move forward, but I made my first steps after a year to rid myself of as much of my problems as possible. I did seek the help of a professional in the terms of online counseling when I needed it.

This story is not about me but it is about many others out there who can not get past the pain and suffering they are enduring. I can only urge those of you have have not moved forward to seek the correct help. I can be a friend and I can listen but I can not change your life... only YOU can do that. Reach inside of yourself and look very hard, you will find the strength and the light to carry you forward.

Many tell me they can not take it anymore and have tried too end their life... I am very sorry to hear that, this is a desperate call for help... find that help... do not give up. If this is your test in life turn and face it head on... fight it talk about it and reach for those professional hands that are out there waiting to help you. I wish you God's speed in this help...

Understand I am not a therapist, I am merely a simple person with problems just like everyone else. My purpose is to let you know you are not alone in these problems we all face in different ways... Stop waiting for the help to find you... go out and find it and begin your healing and find your hope.... help is out there for those who look. A miracle no, a long slow path to recovering who you are or want to be YES.

For all who need to hear it...YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Until next time,
Pixies

2012

2011-12-30T21:07:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone,

A new year is almost upon us, I wish you all a good and wonderful beginning in every aspects of your life. I have given a lot of thought to this year, so many changes and so many things remain the same. I have made some wonderful friends, as well as learned some painful truths. But the lessons of life must be learned and I believed shared so all know it happens to others and not just them.

I will push through this year and into the next facing forward, reaching out my hand to all who wish to walk with me in this life and into the new beginning of a new year... welcome one and all ...what ever the new year holds lets hold onto each other and greet it whether it is good, bad happy or sad at least we can keep our friends with us to share it all.

Happy New Year my friends and family,
Pixies.

Christmas

2011-12-24T09:57:00.002-04:00

I want to take this opportunity to wish you all a safe and Merry Christmas. The true meaning of Christmas is forgiveness as Jesus was born to forgive our sins. So forget the humbugs of Christmas and the fact that many are alone or can not afford to celebrate.

To those who are alone, you still have visitors... we may not know your name but God does and he is always beside you. The poor will inherit more through their humble state as long as the faith and believe of love remains in your heart.

Be blessed my friends and embrace those around you as they are your most precious gift. God be with you and protect you.

Merry CHRISTmas,
Pixies

November Thoughts

2011-11-06T07:58:00.004-04:00

Good morning my friends,

As I look out my window and see a blanket of frost covering my world I know winter is fast approaching. I love to watch the sun touch the frozen entity as it rises to another day, witnessing the steam and crystal effect is unmatched in beauty.

This makes me think of frozen hearts, covered and protected from all that surround it. Recently someone told me I have boarders around my heart, strange thought... but as I considered this maybe they are right.

As humans we live we learn, we laugh we cry, we remember we forget... but the pain of disillusionment never goes away completely. I believe this is our protector of future pains, also a wisdom is obtained in not running, falling and getting no where fast. Eventually we all move on, but do we really ever let the boarders down again?

I have answered this question in my own way, I explained that unless it is the right touch of sunshine, with its warming embrace,and a gentle mist unseen, then yes a blanket of frost will protect and cover our hearts. Equally many have told me they will never allow that sunshine to touch the outer layers of their hearts, I say it is a lesson and caution is needed.

Shadows fall upon everyone, blocking the warmth and the light that fills us with happiness at some point in our life, the trick is to know, to be aware,and not to block the very light that can melt the pain of yesterday, and re-fill the hope of a loving future.

Understanding is not easily given or seen through pain and despair, we all must wait for the gentle touch of life to return after a frozen land in winter. Keep scrapping the frost and it will return, wait for the sun and it will melt and nourish the soul... for even the sun must endure the winter and travel on a different path for a season.

Journey on my friends for the season will change after what will seem a very long winter.

Until next time,
Pixies

Tested

2011-10-04T21:31:00.005-03:00

Hello everyone I hope you are all well.

I am sure many of you as I, feel tested in our daily life. Troubles seem to grow the minute one thing goes wrong, then it seems to be none stop. We take deep breathes curse, and seem to lose what little control we maintain in that moment.

This makes me wonder how, when we factor in our age and how many years and times this happens... we still lose control. We can take a course and learn how to do or create, we can sit silently and contemplate life... we can juggle life, kids, work leisure... and yet we have trouble controlling our basic instincts.

I believe this to be our most basic instinct, look at the animals in nature and even in your own home. Survival, aggression, no tolerance for mistakes or even socializing with others in many species. Pets show this when sometimes you try to take their food or a favorite toy, or when someone enters the house.

It would seem to me as I look for an answer it is simply understood, nature still struggles and we are a species trying to survive in our own created wilderness. I believe if we did not vent by times we would be in a serious buildup mode, that may lead to serious issues in health.

What is my proof? None...

I simply try to analyze and make sense of it in my mind. That makes it easy as I have no need to prove anything to myself, but to spread a possibility is to open the mind and consider life. I share my thoughts to maybe open the mind of another to consider what you see instead of hiding it in a dark dreary place.

Once we let the light of understanding in and then remember; we are human, we are animal, we are nature. Most important...we must except our faults and limitations and move forward in our evolution... maybe we will be the first to end the aggression that comes so easy to a very emotional breed of beings.

I know this entree will make many shake their heads and wonder what in the heck I am talking about ... I am simply putting thoughts into words, and releasing the questions that arise so naturally.

Think, be,understand,for that is to be human.
Pixies

Good morning

2011-09-16T08:04:00.002-03:00

Hello and good morning everyone,

I decided to try a morning post for a change to see if I can focus in the morning lol
While walking the other day I was struck by a thought, I have contemplated this thought for some time now.

I marveled at how life works in its mysteries sometimes. It seems while some with little effort or problem go through life happy and carefree untouched by misery. Then I thought of how others take one step forward and then ten back, and I thought how do you justify the laws of nature in this way?

Of course knowing there was no answer I pondered into more thought, and as I did another thought came to me... As we take that one step forward and ten back...in reality we only took nine steps back. And if we take two steps forward, then we only take eight back.... this thought brought some light into a deep dark thought.

If we continue to move forward only to fall back we can still gain ground if we keep moving. The challenge is to remember this rather than giving up, which sometimes would be very easy to do. As far as those who move through life with ease I have another thought.

What if these people suffered beyond anything we can image in a past life, or what if that is to be their next life? We as humans judge so fast and quickly we do not contemplate the why's in life, maybe there is a balance... and maybe we only see one side of that balance.

I believe all things will be equalized as we get closer to understanding the real meaning as to why we were created. Their is a knowledge hidden in all of us, and everyone is like a piece of a puzzle. Without all the pieces coming together to form the picture, it will never be understood...or appreciated for its complexities.

Have a great day my friends,
Pixies

Interesting happenings

2011-08-18T20:52:00.003-03:00

Hello everyone I hope you are all fine, tonight I had the urge to write about a few happening as of late.

As I started to write this blog entree I got a phone call that a friend I grew up with passed away, he is my age and died of a heart attack. My sympathy to his family is great with their loss, and the times ahead.

A few early mornings ago I decided to go sit in the morning sun on my doorstep. As I looked across the land, trees and bushes everything was wet with dew. As the sun shined onto the limbs and blades of grass it was magical in its affects. The drops of water turned to crystal in appearance, as if the sun was turning all it touched into an array of liquid sunshine.

As I beheld this wondrous moment, I decided to grab my camera and take some pictures. When I lifter my camera to take a shot, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I lowered the camera and looked, a humming bird came directed in front of my face and looked at me. The little creature jetted back and forth as it studied me,and I even though shocked started to talk to him and proceeded to call him Hummy lol

After a minute the little bird flew away as if satisfied with its curiosity, I can tell you that little bird kept my mind in thought a long time as to the wonders of nature. I sat back down and pondered and realized humans are not the only one with a natural instinct to learn, maybe they too need to overcome their fear.

Tonight was my second interesting happening, as I pulled into my home and stopped my car by my step I noticed a bird flew almost frantic that I was there. It scooted away and almost flew into my home. I sat in my car and let the little creature settle down, and it came back and sat on the doorstep rail and looked at me as I sat in my car. In a low voice I talked to the little bird as I could see it was still frightened.

I was surprised it did not fly away and wondered if it was injured. Slowly I opened my car door and got out of my car, it moved a little further back on the rail but did not fly away. I grabbed my things from the car as I talked to this new friend, as I was about to go up my first step only then did this this bird fly to my roof and watched me again.

I talked to him again for a while and then finally came inside, again my thoughts returned to the humming bird. What a wonder in nature when we least expect it, and I also wondered if the other creatures in nature were growing more curious of us as we invade every part of their world now.

One thing is certain, never stop expecting the unexpected, for as our environment changes for better or worse, all things that live within it, will also change and evolve.

I hope you enjoyed this little story.
Until next time,
Pixies

Upsetting thoughts

2011-07-28T22:17:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone, seems I always write later in the evening, maybe that is when my thoughts clear a bit.

Tonight however my thoughts are in turmoil, I made a friend on the internet two and a half years ago. We went through many troubles and toils together and shared many stories. In that friendship, like real life friends we had some problems but always seemed to start chatting again after some time passed.

Tonight however things were said and done, that not even time can erase from my memory. I am very upset as I am a person who takes people into my heart and try to keep them there. Maybe that is not good, but I choose to keep my heart open in this life...

Many times I closed my heart after so many horrible things happened, but that means the bad or evil whatever you prefer to call it wins! I refuse to let that happen, and I know there are very good people out there... and yes even bad people I must admit.

I will truly and surely miss this friend, but I know in my heart I can not change what happened no more than I can change tomorrow or yesterday. With tear filled eyes I said good bye as I wished my friend a good life in spite of what happened.

We must all look deep within ourselves at these times, and find that which makes us strong, and that which gives us courage and strength to go on. I do believe we all have a purpose, sometimes we can reach someone and make a big difference in their life...sometimes it does not matter what we say or do.

The point is always try, for every tear we shed, we may receive 1000 smiles in it's place...now that is what I call a real blessing. Hold on tight to those you can, let those go gracefully that we can not hold onto, and wish them luck in life.

This moves us one step closer to a greater understanding... and makes us victorious over that which tried to defeat us.

Until the next time my friends,
Pixies

Hello again

2011-07-25T23:36:00.002-03:00

Good evening my friends, I hope this post finds you well.
It has been brought to my attention that some people are having trouble leaving a comment on my blogs. If you are one of these people, click anonymous under your comment instead of trying to log into Google. If you like you can type your name under your comment, or leave it as anonymous.

I seem to be falling into a deeper thought pattern lately, I always was a thinker of sorts, but now it seems different. I listen to people and see their dilemma's. My thoughts again go to nature and how to solve some of these problems.

In nature everything is so balanced, only man breaks this delicate thing. Ever notice how a a foreign insect or plant is brought into another country to fix a problem.... only have two more spring up with that so called solution?

Seems we all act the same way, we think of a solution, put it into action and end up with more problems then when we started. Thinking is scarce these days as life does not permit us the time to think things through.

Learning to step aside and wait rather than to be pushed/forced, or mentally beaten into something. The best defense is to step back look at what you are or will do.

Ask yourself, why is it so important to rush into something... could it be because if we stop and think we may change our mind? Evaluation is a long slow tedious process, yet we human think we have mastered that by rushing and jumping to be the first, or just to have something over with.

Ask yourself one question... in the end of our lifetime when we look back at the mirror of truth we have created by our action, and if ask why did you do that.... will you really answer because you were in a hurry or someone else told you too?

Each of us will answer this question in our time, or so I believe. Now in this newer mind set I will begin asking more questions, and taking more time to look at the out come, rather then just getting it over with.

We are responsible for our own actions, we can not blame anyone for what we do... but we can see the effect and try to change the outcome.
Rise above the anger, fear and hatred when possible, and take that one more step closer to understand the meaning of, "We answer for ourselves only".

Seems simple in words but if you truly think about it, common sense is the easiest and hardest thing to understand...and even more difficult to find.

Until next time,
Pixies.

Long time again

2011-07-21T22:48:00.005-03:00

It has been a long time now since my last post, I find the more things change the more they stay the same. Nothing much has changed for me and yet everything has changed.

Three years ago I fell at work and injured my right hand/wrist and arm, I now find out it is permanent after exhausting all possibilities on my own. Now today I found out my injury is worsening as far as pain goes, and now I will be looking into nerve blocks. But as upset as I am about that how can I remain in this thought pattern when others suffer far worse than I.

I have a friend who lost a kidney to cancer 2 years ago, now the cancer is back, and on top of that he just had is big toe removed from complications. So in this light I should not complain, as others surely must come first in our thoughts.

The other day I saw a tree as I walked. Half of this tree was nearly dead, decaying bark surrounding what was once a magnificent tree. And the thought dawned onto me how this tree was not finished, life sprang all around the now gray bark, green flourished on it's other branches and the leaves danced in the wind.

The tree seemed to focused on the good left in it, and puts forth what seeds it can for the future. These thoughts crossed my mind as I walked and blocked the pain that riddled my hand.

Upon further thought I considered the tree in depth, even when this tree meet its end, it would be surrounded by the life it helped to give birth too. And as it crumbled to the earth that grew it, yet again it would fertilize the next generation of this beautiful creation.

In life we become so focused on that which has changed or worsened, we no longer see that which we can still give. In this thought it helps me to remember all I have to give, rather than that I will no long do.

In this I see the potential of positive thinking, given by the very nature that created us all. The trick is to see this when we are depressed or sad and left in our own misery.

Many time now my thoughts are drifting back to the natural state as I use to see things. I do hope it continues and I can share more of these thoughts with anyone who wishes to read them. I will try to move forward once again in life and find the answers that are there but we do not see.

And for those wondering yes I am still single, I have dated and met some nice people and became friends with some. I will keep an open mind as I walk forward, hope for everything and wish for the best lol.

Until next time Pixies.

Long time

2010-10-21T19:57:00.003-03:00

Hello out there it has been a very long time since I wrote on here. Thanks to a friend of mine a long ways from this country I was reminded of this site again.

So much has happened and yet nothing ever really changes. I am still single by choice, as I just do not seem to fall in love. I think this is a sign I am either not ready or maybe I should remain alone.

I am content now in my home and struggle as all single people do, but thanks to the help of my family I manage very well. I have made amends or rather built a bridge to my family roots again. So much pain and hurt for everyone is not good to hold onto, and the need of contact with what we know becomes a necessary part of life as we grow and age.

The fact that one very bad person changed the lives of so many is never good, but once we surface from the truth and pain a new understanding begins to grow within us. All the unimportant things we focus on in our life as we survive another day, month and year, fade in the face of real problems and troubles and even fear.

We humans are so good at building walls around our hearts and emotions, we hide from life and people so we can not be hurt anymore. We give up on faith and stop the belief there is something more out there, for if something more existed why would he let us suffer so much and leave us in our misery....

Well I will never say all the pain was worth any amount of understanding, but I must say now I do see things very differently. We can never change what others have done to us or what they may still do one day, but we can rise above what they are or will become.

I have a stronger faith in God now than I ever did before, and now I know if he was not beside me I am sure I would not have survived. The only way to the good it seems is through the bad, if this is the journey set before us... well I guess we must either walk it face on, or give up and let the force and will of others win over the spirit given.

Easy no, but I do feel a greater love for the good now that I have witness so much evil and hate. My best friend helped me more than anyone through my hell on earth... that is why I am so sure there is more to life, and the people we hold onto in our lives. Thank God my best friend has found happiness and peace also, she has her own family now and I am very happy for her.

I really hope I can begin to write on here once more, about life and nature and the love I know that is also out there between all good people. I am sure I have lost all of my past readers, but who knows maybe a few still come to look at the words of someone who is living life, making mistakes and learning.

Take care my friends,
Pixie

Hello again

2010-02-23T20:55:00.002-04:00

It has been a very long time and a very long journey. I have moved in and out of a settled mode for over a year now, I think I am finally settled for now. I feel an old familiar and lost feeling beginning to return to me, one I have missed dearly. That feeling is contentment coming from within me, a feeling of warmth and light, oh how I have missed it.

And for those who wonder I am still alone, I was dating someone but now we are friends, as this is what we feel for each other. But a few months ago as I sat at my desk in the morning, and as the sun was rising to light the darkness and bring warmth, a friend returned to me.

My friend of light, sounds strange... but once you know this feeling it can only be described like this. As the sun brought rays of light through my window it touched me with its brightness... I was on cam at the time with a very old and dear friend of mine. He is 70 years of age and lives in India. As we chatted about life and philosophy he was beginning to witness what I felt.

I began to tell him what I was feeling as the sun warmed me, it began its journey to my soul to fill me with the warmth and light of love and understanding. As he bore witness to this he ask to remain and watch silently, I agreed. It was so long since this feeling of pure light had been felt and enjoyed, I thought I had lost it forever.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be lost in this wonderful pure feeling, I felt it enlighten my whole being and travel to every part of me and journey back to my head and finally release its energy through my eyes, as it slowly faded and left me calm and relaxed and humbled in life.

Once my thoughts returned I remembered my friend on cam watching this, he was still there and sat in deep thought as I acknowledged him again. I am not sure if he was more excited or me by this happening lol

I am hoping to begin new this spring, return or repair not sure which word fits the best. But there is something to nature to learn from, who is trying to teach us something... I want to learn and be a student of nature and find that which has been lost. Follow me on my journey ... should be interesting :)

Bye for now,
Pixies

Walking Again

2009-04-08T21:29:00.003-03:00

Hello Friends,

I am finally walking again and it feels very good. It was extremely windy and cool tonight, but I bundled up and away I went. Now as I look out the window I see an almost full moon shinning down upon us. Last night was the first time I heard the frogs cocking in the swamp out back. It is a calming an soothing sound for me as it lures me into a peaceful nights sleep.

I feel the effects of nature coming back to me finally as I have missed that wondrous feeling of awe. As I walked tonight I couldn't help but think of the wind as the breath of life. Although holding me back it also made me think of our inner system as it struggles to keep the needed breath within us.

As in a struggle with life there are pauses within the on slot of resistance. An within the calm, a reflection of life itself breaths and enjoys the reprieve. But to soon the resistance returns forcing us to kick in our heels and push ourselves forward as if being guided into life once more.

Complicated yes, needed yes.
Pixies

Another Day

2009-04-06T11:40:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

Another day has begun and life moves on.
I had a good weekend, my friend and I got along very well. Still moving slowly as I want to take my time and experience some new and old things along the way.

The disappointing part was I got sick towards the end of last week, my ear duct as they call it is partially blocked causing swelling of my jaw and an aching in the ear as well as an inner ear infection I suspect. So just before my friend came down my mouth breaks out into fever blisters and I am not feeling the greatest!!

But not put out a bit he came anyway and we did all we wanted to do lol Have to tell you anyone who don't mind looking at those horrible looking things is a plus in my book.

Can't help but notice how spring is slowly creeping in as a snail on vacation. But soon the warmth of the sum with radiate into us and bring about a change in habits and activities. One I am looking forward to is walking again, seems every time I want to start something happens I don't get to go.

I am still having ear and jaw issues and the cold and dampness makes it hurt, so I will wait again for a while before I start...soon need to as something happened to my washer/dryer set...seems everything I wash and wear is shrinking haha...and no can't be me putting on weight lol.

Until next time do take care,
Pixies

New beginning?

2009-04-01T20:04:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

I am hoping the last of my divorce papers are now signed, waiting for them to return.
I am happy again as I am starting to date again, I have been talking to someone for a few weeks now. We met for the first time last Saturday and we plan on getting together again this weekend.

It is nice having something to look forward to now and I do like him very much. We are taking it slow and putting no label on to it. I am finally more content in my life, I had to let some family go to keep my peace, but I have made my peace with that.

I am going to try and enjoy my life a bit and see what it was meant to be like. For those of you still going through a break up or planning on leaving, think it through and try to plan it first. I was forced out and had no choice, and if I can give one piece of advice to you, it would be...don't be the one to leave even if the police tell you too.

They told me I had to go, I was in shock from being choked and watching blood on my families face after he attacked them. If my mind would have been working I could have told them to make him go as he became violent, and I know now they would have had to.

I can not change all that happened to me, but I can put the word out to anyone who will listen. The police that was here almost forced me to go using their authority to intimidate me. I urge you to stand your ground if you are not at fault, let the guilty be the ones to leave, and let us have what little peace would remain, and we all know that is not much, but when in the middle of hell...it means a lot.

Take care until next time,
Pixies

Almost spring

2009-03-16T08:44:00.002-03:00

Hello been a while,

I am sitting in the sun this morning at my computer enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
While the sun sinks in and finds my soul to warm with it with wonderful rays of calmness, sending me reflecting over the last couple of years in my life.

It seems now that things are calm and safe again, and I finally have back most of what was taken from me, the one thing that has disappeared is my friends.
Seems life has a way of balancing things out with wants and needs.

My best friend is still around of course and happy in her life. I am not saying she doesn't have problems, but she is at least in a happy place to deal with them. But slowly I am making new friends and working to keep busy.

Spring will soon be here and I will resume my walks and I am hoping the wonderful experiences I encountered with nature a couple years ago. I really miss those walks and the great insights I would receive while walking.

And for those who was there when I was going through my ordeal, and are wondering about my family, for the most part things are ok except for one.
It seems me and my mother will never see eye to eye about what happened to both of us during my turmoil. I have excepted the differences are just to great between us, and we will remain apart and distant from each other even though we only live a few hundred feet apart.

I know some will say, but she is your mother, but only so much water can wash under and over the bridge before it washes out...it has washed out. I am upset by this and hurt also, but I have left the anger of it behind and decided to move forward in life as I always seem to walk alone for the most part. But I will say my sister and brothers have been a great help to me and so far we are keeping thing separate from the issue at home.

I am also ready to date again, I have been out a few times and enjoyed it. But no special someone to make me want to try another relationship. I am talking to people through this medium also and who knows what may happen one day. For now I have the freedom to enjoy my single life style...and take all the closet space lol

My divorce should be complete by the end of this month so I can close forever this chapter of my life. My ex's brother and wife are coming to stay with me a bit this summer and I am looking forward to having them here for a while. Great to have company again, and I am very glad this divorce did not interfere with our friendship as we have gone through a lot over the years as a family.

I am seriously considering writing about my life sort of a biography, but I also know if I do I would have to keep it to myself as many would be upset with my view of the details as I lived them. But who knows, the thought is there and for now so is the time to begin one.

Well my coffee cup is empty and the sun is moving away from my window, telling me to get started with my day and my plans. I am hoping I still have a few readers left out there.

Until the next time,
Pixies

2009

2009-02-16T06:09:00.002-04:00

Happy belated New Year!!
it has been a long time since my last post and much has happened. I am getting ready for work this morning so I will keep it short for now.

As I told you I am back in my home and a settlement has be reached. I am not divorced yet but that is all that is left of my old life now. I am still single as well. I did date a couple of people but just friends as it turned out, which is good we all need friends.

I am content now by myself and enjoying some peace and quiet in my life for a nice change. I have meet so many wonderful people on the web I am grateful for that. There are also a lot of not so nice people on the web...but is this not life in reality as well.

Take care for now and hope to post again soon,
Pixies:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-10-13T09:35:00.001-03:00

Hello everyone,

Yes I am still here lol. I have considered writing on here many times but something always comes up as you know. I have listened to the birds singing and the sun beaming through my window and enter to my soul.

I have been trying to find that which was lost in me. But now I find it may not have been lost, rather self has changed and is reinventing, very slowly with an understanding. What I perceived as long dark silences, I now see as time of discovery. I was going out a lot and enjoying my freedom with my friends in the form of dancing and drinking. Now I am more content to be home and just to be.

I still worry about being alone and facing the daily challenges that come along, but I face them one at a time the best way I can. I have dated for a while and with a few people but either friendship or aquintances. I am still talking to people and will still go out but now I am more content to experience this time for now.

I will say one I am talking to has caught my interest, but for now we are just getting to know each other, and it is to soon to know yet.

I wanted to wish all a Happy Thanksgiving and I am anxiously waiting the wonderful meal my mom is making.

Take care everyone,
Pixies:)

Doing well

2008-07-10T09:24:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

I am doing very good now, I have my place cleaned up and comfortable now. You will begin to see my maiden name appear now on some of my post as I eventually want to go back to using it. Ann Kelly/Gallant, soon to be Ann Kelly.

This morning a strong sense of writing came to me so I have put my thoughts into words. I am adding them for you to read and I hope enjoy, I do believe an awakening of sorts is now happening for me, and I would like to share that with you.

Enjoy my friends,
Pixie:)

7/10/2008
Dawn of Awaking

It is the dawn of my awakening,
All senses tinkle with anticipation
Some good some bad, for people’s thoughts can be so sad.

They await that which they do not understand,
and wish unhappy things to their fellow man
But on the dawning of all things there is more to what the meaning of life brings

We glimpse such a small part of true reality of our being
Complicated but yet simple in our structure of life
Insight is there to be held,
But only by those who know of the true spirituality realm

In this realm things are true and waiting,
Patients of evolution created by the one
For only he knows of the grand scheme
Imagine the horror in which he has seen

Within the sin a true heart may exists,
Covered by pain by a life without bliss
Only true understanding can bring it forth
For he is waiting and is our source

So be thee aware of what lies beyond the human eye
For we are exactly alike you and I
The difference is beneath the exterior shell
And the one perfect one knows each of us well

Ann Kelly/Gallant

Calm

2008-06-28T17:00:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

Things are still good here, I now have my place clean and tidy. It is so nice to wake in familiar settings. I am feeling happy and content now, but I also know things are still unsettled. I am working on having things finished and final, I will never look back once I have moved on and forward in my life.

I am sure things will not be coming up roses, but at least I will be walking my own path, and decide which direction I wish to take when I meet an intersection. I do find time starting to get long now that a lot of the work is done, but this will improve when I return to work. I have taken some vacation time to adjust to my surroundings again, and give my mind some much needed rest.

I was feeling creative today and wrote another poem, and I am going to share it with all of you who read my Blog. If you copy it or share it please leave my name attached to it, I would appreciate that. I hope you enjoy my mind and its thoughts about the night time, always fun creating something new.

Until next time,
Pixies:)

Present of Night

The light has faded leaving the way,
For darkness to come and evil to play

The creaks and the sounds send shivers through all
While the darkness waits and slivers in the halls

Through fear and misdeed it will have its way,
Leaving horror in its own wake until darkness fades

When the light approaches, evil then has fear
The warmth and love will soon appear

The shivers then belong to all who dwell in the dark
The light will fill all with its pure love of heart

So in the darkness we must abide
But the light will soon come and be by our side

Then the evil and darkness will have to run
But will always return with the setting of the sun.

Ann Kelly/Gallant June 28, 2008

Changes

2008-06-19T22:41:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

Wow talk about changes that have come since my last post. I am back in my home again...yes I am, and legally! What a mess I had to clean here, it was terrible. But now it is shinny and clean again and looking more like home than it ever did! For the first time in a year I am truly happy. Now once the paper work is done and divorce papers signed I will be as happy as anyone dare be lol

I want to thank my best friend Kelly for her support though all my troubles. Without her help I am sure things would have turned out much worse than anyone would have thought. She is my family in the best sense of the word. Her life has improved too and she is on a journey of education, and self exploration.

My family has helped me a lot in getting settled in here and to get things working again. Most things are in need of repair, but that is minor for now. My ex did a lot of damage to my personal belongings, but he will pay for that through the courts. So I am happy to say things are much better.

That doesn't mean it is over yet, this I am sure of. The first night I was here my ex showed up and tried to force his way in. The police said because his lawyer didn't contact him and tell him I was here, so they wouldn't charge him, even though he broke the screen door handle. But he will pay for that to through the court and it will come out of his share once again.

But for now I am happy and content, and to me he doesn't exists any more, and even without the papers, I am now a free spirit who feels at home and at peace. I wish this peace will surround all who have read my story. One day I will fill in all the information I have left out on purpose until this is completely over. I can tell you, it will be a good read for sure, as long as you are not the one living it.

Good night my friends, God bless
Pixie:)

Dating Again

2008-05-18T16:46:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

I have finally decided it is time to start dating again. I have meet some very interesting people and enjoyed meeting them. No one in particular yet, but at least now I know I am ready to look. I think I was waiting until everything was settled with my ex, seems that may be a while yet, so I am moving on. I am planing action that will hopefully end this complicated issue over the land. That is what is holding everything up. I want my freedom and everything settle by summers end and I am going to make that happen. But in the mean time, if Mr. Right walks around the corner...I am certainly going to say hello to him, lol.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T10:19:00.002-03:00

I would like to wish all mother's a very Happy mothers day. I am not a mom, but I do know the hard work and dedication it takes to be a good caring mom. So for you I write this poem of thanks from all the children of the world:)

Mothers

For all the times you said no when needed,
even though at the time we felt it wrong and pleaded.

For all the times we made you sit up,
when your young you don't realize this stuff.

For all the band aids and tears you wiped,
for changing all those diapers that was not so nice.

For pushing us to study for a better life than some had...
you are our mother and for that we are grateful and glad.

Thank you, for all you do:)
Pixie:)

Poem

2008-05-04T22:55:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone,

I am still here and about, nothing much has changed in my circumstances. But I have figured out that I am ready to start looking for a possible friend shall I say lol. No, I have not found anyone yet but I have meet some interesting people and realized that I will not loose anything but looking, and will gain some friends by doing so. A new friend has inspired me to write a poem, and I am going to share it with all of you. I hope you enjoy it and maybe find a little inspiration within it.

May 3, 08

Stormy Dreams

Across a barren sea, wave lash out at all that be,
Rougher waters on the way,
hold on tight the fierce winds do say.

Once the storm unleashes and ends its fury,
the water returns to a beauty in glory.

A dangerous journey we all must face,
different circumstance, decide each ones fate.

Some will give way to grief,
to much of a burden for them to meet.

Others will triumph and make their way,
to a happier place and sail away.

To the island of dreams so clear, tropical and true,
Were only happiness waits for you.

So set your course as best you can,
victory will be given by destiny as designed and planned.

Ann Gallant

Take care until next time,
Pixies:)

Just checking in

2008-03-30T16:17:00.006-03:00

Hello,

I am not sure anyone still checks my page, but just encase anyone does I will drop a note, and say hi. Things are still in limbo, but I do believe they are about to move. It is very hard to try and be optimistic when everything stays at a stand still for long periods of time.

Yesterday as I sat at my computer and stared out the window, I almost came on and wrote a post. I watched the billions and billions of snow flakes slowly fallen on an existing blanket of white. I contemplated those flakes, and as I did so, those flakes became all the misery in the world...it seemed like so much pain was falling it was unmeasurable in size and emotion.

This realization reminded me I am not alone in my unhappiness, so many have different pains and struggles they must also deal with. And as I watched and contemplated more I also noticed something else. As these never ending flakes fell, the sun would peak out for a brief time, and melt some of the fallen flakes. Once the sun disappeared more flakes covered those that had vanished.

Again I thought about this process, and concluded, that someones pain was just melted away. Lots more will experience the pain, but some will find relief as the pain moves on in turn. The brief melting is what will get us through our storms of confusion. Some how this little story will hopefully help someone out there who needs to see those snow flakes for what they are. That person will then understand what will happen when the sun shines, and melts those same worries away. More worries will come later, nothing we do can stop that, but when the sun melts the present, at least then we might get a slight glimpse of a possible future.

Until next time friends,
Pixies:)

Still here

2008-02-16T12:01:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know I am still here.
I am just waiting for the world to stop spinning so fast so I can steady myself.
I am sure it will all end soon...at least I hope...7 months and still waitng for good luck and peace of mind!

Time will take its time,
Pixies

Changes

2008-02-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

Hello again,

Well I guess some of you might have been waiting for some of the writing I talked about in my last post...well things happen. It would seem the calm is over again for a while.

Lots of things have come up in all area of my like making it impossible for the creativity to come forth. How long this one will last is anyone's guess, we will just have to wait and see what happens. Until things get a little better I won't be writing much.

Until then,
Pixie

Changes

2008-01-27T09:15:00.000-04:00

Hello again,

I had such a good day yesterday I want to share it with you. My best friend Kelly and me had all day together yesterday. We met for lunch, and a good friend joined us. We had a good time with our friend, and had a wonderfully unrealistic conversation...it was good. Then we did a little shopping, and met a new friend, we laughed as hard with him as we did earlier.

Then we were invited to another friends for supper...and a couple of beer;) It was a wonderful meal, and a very good conversation. She was a good hostess, and her place is very nice.
Then we went to Karaoke around 9, I don't get up and sing....I wouldn't do that to people! Ha ha It was a good time, I didn't arrive home until 2:30 this morning....hence why I am still setting at my computer trying to clear my thoughts a bit.

I am finally enjoying myself. It took a long time, and although I still have very bad days, I also have some very good days. I know some of you are still struggling...believe that very slowly, good change will come...I won't tell you it will stay because it doesn't. However; if the good times come more and more....then we will be sad less and less:)

I have also noticed another change in me lately, I seem to have become a very somber and serious person. I now sense a movement in the completely opposite direction, I now seem to have the need to create, to let what I feel release from within me. Only those who feel these rushes of creativity will understand the need to express them. For me it has come in the form of writing a very romantic continuously changing story.

I will probably shock a lot of you by saying that...because my life has been so serious...and yes even life threatening by time...I do believe I need to experience this. Do I intend to write a book...not now, maybe one day. The reason I tell all of you this, is because I am going to change some of my writing habits from being so life serious, to the creation that seem to be emanating from within me.

I am sure by now most of you are confused by my meaning. I will give you a few examples of the strong focus coming from within me, this just came out into a conversation one day...surprised me as well as those I was with. But they have increased in frequency, and I am now enjoying them. While talking one day, I said without knowing I was going to:

"My soul cried to be free, so I grew wings to accommodate its wishes"...to say it felt profound is putting it mildly!
Now they are more in a poetic and romantic form.
Such as:

"May the milky way find and nourish you with silky pleasure"
"Is our journey to pass as fiery comets in the night sky...silently blazing separate paths? "
"Slowly lay your head on the softest cloud in heaven, and I will cover you with protection and comfort..."

Ok, I think I have shocked some of you enough for now. But I will be letting this new creativity have a voice. Some might like it...others won't.
You must decide if you want to follow me on this different journey.
How long will it last...I don't know. It may leave as quickly as it came.....or maybe it is a new beginning...or part of me.

Have a good day my friends,
Pixie:)

Dance

2008-01-20T21:01:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I went to a dance last night with my friends, it was different to say the least. I have promised myself I would do different things now that I am single. I don't remember the name of the band, but they played Jazz, Swing, and Blue's, as I said it was different for me.

I like easy listening and light rock. It was very nice to see people dancing in a way I haven't seen except for on T.V. Some of them had such good rhythm, and experience from years of practice together. They glided across the floor as if the wind carried them into a gentle breath of time and music.

They held each other with a respect that is not seen in today's dance mix. I do believe I would like to learn the skill of ballroom dancing, who knows...maybe one day it will be me gliding my way across a dance floor staring contently into a handsome mans eyes....but that I noticed is a must for a good dance, not just practised moves, but a caring, that seems to flow with the couple as they go.

Yes this is a different observation than my last post, but that is the point of observing different things. To come to, and change ones point of view...is that not what makes us grow as a people, and more important, an individual?

Peaceful dreams friends,
Pixie

Happy or Not

2008-01-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I have been watching people together lately. Families or couples as I sit having coffee in different places. I wonder if they are still together because they are in love, or has it become a convenience in their lives.

Only they truly know that for sure, but I can tell you what I observed, a good many seem indifferent to each other. I hear lots of "I don't care, do what you want or pick up what you want". No discussion about anything.

The children seem unaware of the discussion around them and are content with the fascination of the new toys, and wanting them. More than once I watched one or the other of a couple checking out someone who has just walked by...it is very easy to see what their thoughts are;)

I now wonder after all this studying of human nature, and living it, if we can be truly happy with the same partner through life. It seems life moves in, and sets us into such a routine that we forget the person we are with changes as much as we do.

I believe this is a natural state, we all evolve as we learn and experience all the different emotions of life. Maybe the trick is learning to except the change within our selves as well as those of our partner. Maybe that is what keeps the sparks alive within us, and pulls us together instead of apart.

What do you think? I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject, if anyone cares to share them.

Until next time,
Pixie;)

Cosmic Universe Explained

2008-01-05T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hello again,

I have such a strong sense that I need to explain a comment I made on my last blog entry. My sense is people misunderstood my meaning, when I said a wrong had been made right by my passing events in the last year.

My sense tells me people are thinking, does she think she is so important in the grand scheme of things? Well, no I don't. If anything I feel the opposite, I feel a very insignificant part of this vast universe. I will try and explain what I meant.

Imagine a very fine piece of fabric, a very small stitch in the fabric is torn, but it is so small it appears unimportant in the looks and feel of this material. Over time this small tear feels the pull and strain on its weaken state, and begins to let go under the pressure. By itself none of the other stitches feels the weakened ones strain, until the closest stitch feels a pull on its purpose in the oneness of the fabric.

Now imagine the chain of events that follows over time, the entire fabric will feel the strain. Eventually a massive whole may appear, or a very noticeable tear. Now most fabrics, or articles made from this material have stress points which are made stronger at the time of creation to compensate for the added stress. But if the other stitches are also pulling on the stress point, then a hole or rift is created.

The question becomes, is this piece of fabric, or article of clothing important enough to repair, or will it be discarded. Each individual will need to answer that question for them selves. If it is repaired in time, no one would be aware that there was a problem, except for those stitshes involved. If however it is discarded, the gap will never be repaired, or improve. It will remain in this state until the end of time, or until someone sees its worth and repairs or recovers it.

I hope this explains more of what I truly meant by my statement...my guess is I just created even more questions. I am only a small stitch in the fabric in time, not known by most of the other stitches around me. But if myself or my fellow stitches weaken around me, then we become aware of a problem.

Will we wait until the tear is noticeable my friends,
Pixie:)

New Year

2008-01-02T04:45:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year,

2008 has arrived, time really doesn't wait for anyone. I had some very good times over the holidays, and was able to visit a lot of friends and some family I haven't seen for a while.

I am more content now, and I am setting up a routine in my life. I still get very lonely by times but that will only ease with time and the company of friends. I am beginning to notice a lot of nature here now. There are many types of birds around here, as well as a lot of dogs running around, one in particular is very friendly and likes people throwing his ball for him that he takes everywhere with him.

I am having a sleepless night, which sometimes is normal for me. When it becomes quiet, and I become bored, my mind drifts back to past events and I cannot stop those thoughts. I believe this is the minds way of dealing with trauma, it waits until the individual can revisit a nightmare. My hope is that, this is the beginning of my true healing and the acceptance of what has happened to me.

I do not like these nights, as these thoughts still scare me, but if this will one day stop them from happening, then I would rather deal with them now. My thoughts now drift to many different things in my life. One strong sense I get is to continue to explore myself and who I really am.
By that I mean trying to figure out what I like as an individual.

I have never been on my own long enough to know what my wants, needs and likes are. Now these thoughts are foreign to me as I never ask myself these questions. You see, I have heard the saying, "it doesn't matter, or no one cares", so much throughout my life that I believed it and never thought any different...until this past year.

As you can tell my mind and all the questions in it are working again. On nights like this it would be so nice to have someone to talk to about them, and I am sure if I wanted someone here I could find some company. But I will not rush into that, first I need to figure myself out.
I am hoping that spring and a little freedom to explore will help me find some of the answers I am looking for, and maybe the contentment to stay alone.

I know I am not the only one asking these questions, and no one can tell us the answer. We must wait until the time is right, and believe that we now walk the path to our destiny. One thing I have always felt very strongly since my nightmare began, and that is that this had to happen, and somehow a wrong has been righted by these events passing. I don't pretend to understand it, but it must come to pass, and it must be completed to repair, or correct that which was very wrong in the cosmic universe. These events will somehow put me back onto some unknown path that I must journey on.

If I am honest, and most won't believe this, but I had...for lack of a better word, visions of some of these events. I did not see all the horror that awaited me, but I have seen an ending of sorts for many years but never understood it. And I don't mean as I would watch a movie, but simply I saw myself standing looking back at where I use to live and I knew I had to leave that place and all that went with it. A sense of right was so powerful, I couldn't deny it. I have seen this vision so many times I can remember most of the details including my thoughts as I looked on.

No I don't pretend to understand this, and it took me a long to to except it, but now I know it had a purpose and I was being told or warned, but I didn't listen or except it until all this happened. Now I know I need to listen, and try to follow whatever is ahead.

I will try to take you all with me on this personal journey, and maybe help some of you to understand there is a reason for this madness, we just cannot see it or understand it. Believe that there is a force out there guiding us, trying to lead us on our next important life lesson.
My belief is that in the end, we need to go through this stage in our existence in order to achieve the enlightenment on the other side of understanding.

Remain strong and believe, and we will make it,
Pixies:)

Holidays

2007-12-27T21:27:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I thought I should give everyone an update on how things are going. I must say things are going very well for me here. I think moving here was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I am content here now that I have adjusted to the small size of this place, and now find it very cozy. My X is leaving me alone as by the court order, and I am waiting for a date to be set to go before a judge to see if we can settle or if we need to go to court to finish this.

My friends are and have been such a great help to me, to me they are all guardian angels sent right from heaven. I will tell you, no matter what happens in your life, hold onto your good and best friends...they will be the only ones there when things go bad, and you feel like you are alone in this world.

Sometimes we drift apart, or a relationship comes along to separate you from them. Sometimes someone doesn't like to share your attention with them, but hold onto them, because if someone really loves you, they will want you to be happy and have your friends close by.

Be grateful for them and cherish them, God sent them to us for a reason. Thank him by keeping them close my friends, I know I am saying that a lot. But you see, my best friend got me through my nightmare. Without her I am very sure I wouldn't have made it, and now that my mind is clearing and settling, I realize this above all other things.

To all of my other friends who remained by my side through my living hell...thank you.
Maybe in the new year it would be a great resolution to make to cherish our friends more, and let them know it.

On that note, I wish you all a great new year, it will be a year of new beginnings for me, and I look forward to this now, and never look back.

Happy New Year,
Pixies:)

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T09:03:00.000-04:00

To all who read this blog,

I want to wish you and yours a wonderful and fulfilling Christmas.
My wish for you all:
May the true meaning of this season find fill and hold you.
May it maintain you through the coming years, in the form of hope and faith.

Merry Christmas,
and a very,
Happy New Year!
Pixie:)

Deep thoughts

2007-12-15T06:36:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I am finally just about ready for Christmas, a couple more things to pick up and then I can relax.
Now that this season is here, I find myself reflecting on the good I experienced in and with people.

I had become cynical of everyone because of everything that has happened over the last 6 months. I had lost my faith in the fact that most people are good, and I needed to experience that once more to remember this story.

I won't tell the details but someone just did something for me out of the goodness of their heart. I did not ask, as a matter of fact I never said a word about what I needed, but because of this person I now have something that was a need but I couldn't get alone.

This has brought back to me, another good memory. This happened one day a few years ago, while I was working as a housekeeper. I went to clean the room of a terminal resident who was having a hard time excepting his outcome. I had ask if it was ok to clean his room, and yes he wanted some company.

As I started to clean I could see he was greatly depressed, and I ask if I should leave, he said no, but ask, "would you answer a question if you know"? I knew it was going to be a very serious question, and I told him I would try.

He said something along the lines of, "Do you think we pay for everything we have done in our lives, and if we spent all of our lives doing right and good would it make a difference in the end, and would it matter if we believe in God or not?"...

Well this I will tell you is not my expertise, but I thought quietly for a few minutes and reflected on what I believe. I finally said to him, I can tell you what I think, that doesn't make it right, nor does it make it wrong. It is my opinion only, do you want to hear it?

He said yes please do, I sat on the side of his bed and said something similar to this.
Life throws most people some hard things and times to deal with, we all wonder if there can be such a wonderful being out there watching us as we suffer so, and doesn't seem to help or interfere, but rather watches us in our misery.

Some of these life lessons can be cruel beyond belief, and so painful that we just about collapse under the burden. We almost certainly have to build invisible walls of protection as a means of blocking some of the pain out, and yes that means we with-draw from our fellow man, and our emotions are guarded.

Then I believe once we reach this level, then mistrust sets in, and the "I don't care" attitude.
We then have pretty much become part of what made us this way in the first place. It is so easy to stay in this place and hide from life, we become very comfortable living in our created world and let very few in, or help very few.

But I also have to believe that unless we experience this pain and suffering, we would never understand the pain of others. I believe there does come a time when we once again want to help everyone we can through their troubles. Maybe that wonderful being knows: if life was so easy, we would have no reason to question our faith, and that everyone would believe. Maybe I said, if we can survive through our pain and misery, and somehow realize that there must be a reason that we don't or can't understand for these things to happen.
And maybe when we get to the end of this physical life, and still have faith, and believe in the one greatness we all know as our maker...then maybe, just maybe... that will be enough, and all that is required.

This man sat and looked in the other direction and stared blankly for a few minutes. I went to get up, but he reached out and took my hand. He said thank you, I don't know if it is true or not, and the fear of the unknown takes us away from those thoughts of understanding. I am not proud of some of the things I did in my life, but yes I did learn many lessons from them.

And maybe you are right, I was questioning my faith as to how and why I could be lying here in this state of pain and suffering, and no heavenly help has come to me. Maybe in the end, that help will be there...when I need it most of all. I will keep the faith, and the belief, that this is all for a reason and maybe that will carry me through. Thank you again, he said, I am still very scared, and yes even angry, but I do and will believe.

I hugged him as we both had tears in our eyes, because we shared a bit of understanding and faith. You see, even if what I said wasn't true or right, it didn't matter. Without a cent, or an inconvenience we both felt the good that came out of that conversation.

We the two of us together, created a possibility of hope, in this world that can be so cruel and push us a side as if we don't matter. Now that I am beginning to remember some of these events in my life, it is helping me to be content with myself.

You see I have realized something else recently. I was always the one who went around telling people to enjoy the real meaning of Christmas, and not this store bought one that now exists. But this year I was the cynical one who was saying, I will be glad when it is over, and that I am only going through the motions.

Now I see the wrong in that, and I need to practise what I preach. Although I am not overly religious, I claim no named faith, my faith is that I believe. I don't believe in putting a label on it, or a certain name or church. Faith is something that we carry within us, and is there all the time, not just in certain places.

When I stop and think about the ever lasting love of God and his son, I truly feel a spark or a flame of strong emotion in my soul, I can feel it with-in me. Some of you may not agree with what I have said, and you are equally entitled to your beliefs, I would never say that they are wrong...how would any of us know in this world?

So in ending my story, although I am hurt and disillusioned with my life...I do believe and I must remember why a gift is given. It is not for me to judge what the receiver of the gift thinks of it, only that it was given for the right reasons, even if it is not the right color, or brand name.

Try to believe my friends, because in the end...faith is all we can take with us.

May the true meaning of the season be with you,
Pixies:)

Time

2007-12-06T22:20:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

The Christmas season has arrived, I have been keeping myself so busy it could almost have passed me by. Normally I really enjoy this time of year, and I am putting effort into it for my work purposes. I have decorated my place a bit, and I have managed to get a few gifts wrapped.

So I guess I can honestly say I am slowly moving forward in my life. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, and time seems to be flying by now. If you are curious if I have met someone...no, I have decided I will not look.

If something happen, that will be nice, but I have convinced myself that I will be better off alone. No one to answer too, and no explanations required for what I do or where I go. I do go out a lot on the weekends now, and yes I do party;) As a matter of fact I will soon be going out again, but with friends, we laugh, dance and just enjoy ourselves.

The only problem with this...for some strange reason I don't feel so well the next morning! Ha ha. I always said I won't grow up, and once my divorce is final, I plan on proving that to myself, that is the only person I answer too now...and I like it!

Have a good night,
Pixies:)

Old Friends

2007-11-29T22:19:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I am sitting here tonight thinking about my little friends I had at the last place I lived. It almost seems like a dream now that I became so close to them. Now that I am here and it is colder, I don't spend as much time out side. I miss this close contact I had with them. I am hoping the coming summer will bring some of these encounters back to me.

It is amazing to me now, how natural it all seemed to have the birds landing inches away from me, and flying so close. I could feel the wind from their wings on my face. The birds sitting on the wash line singing contently as I listened to their songs. The squirrels and chipmunks looking for fallen food, and as curious of me as I was of them.

Maybe I dreamed these things, how could that have ever happened, or be real? I f not for these photos of my friends I don't think I would have believed it. But I do remember the feelings I felt when I was around, and with them. I don't believe the language has been written yet to explain it.

Remember all your friends, human or not,

Pixie:)

Cook Pot

2007-11-24T00:27:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I had a very interesting evening this evening and I would like to share it with you. My best friend Kelly is coming up tomorrow, I am not sure yet if it will be for lunch or supper, but I decided to make home made chicken soup, or chicken stew as I make mine thick with ingredients.

Well I went to the store and picked up everything I needed after work, once I had everything ready to start I went for a pot....guess what...I didn't have a pot big enough to make it in. Now picture me standing there with everything ready to go and nothing to make it in. What did I do, well I stood there and laughed at this situation, what else could one do but laugh and shake my head.

I borrowed a pot from a friend and figured now I was ready, I had a very good start on things. I prepared the chicken and added my spices, I peeled and diced the turnip, and potato, and went to peel the carrots. Once again I stopped and literally busted out laughing...guess what...yup I don't have a carrot peeler either! But this didn't deter me, I did it the old fashion way....with a knife:)

Now it was quite the experience, as I haven't cooked many meals like this since I moved here. I must say I did sample the soup and it tastes just fine. It has been so long since I attempted to cook things again. For the last few years of my marriage everything I made was not good enough for my ex, mostly as he said it wasn't made the way he made it, or the way he liked it. So my answer to him was, then you do the cooking because I am tired of hearing it.

That is exactly what happened, he did it his way. I never gave him the satisfaction of complaining about, because some things just aren't worth it. So even with all the problems I had, I feel good about making things my way again. I would have been happy with the compromise of sharing and experiencing different ways of making different dishes...but that would take compromise, something that no longer existed.

So now it is my way all the way:) Gawd it felt good saying that:)) Then I felt so good about the soup I decided I am also having a salad as well. Then I proceeded to scrub the upstairs and downstairs here tonight after all the dishes were done of course. Now I am going to clean the washroom, dust and then put myself into a nice candle light bath to end my day. My hope is that I will sleep in tomorrow knowing I have my work done.

Usually as soon as I wake on my day off, my first thought is all I have to do that day. This thought then will not let me return to sleep and regardless of the time I have to get up and start. I will be interested to see if this works or not. I am usually up at 5, but I am hoping for at least 8 tomorrow morning, well here is hoping. Well I need to get started again now the floor is dry.

Have a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Darkened Skies

2007-11-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

Tonight I went over to a friends and watched her decorating for Christmas, she always starts early:) But I think for me that might have been a mistake, as it reminded me of everything I have lost this year...no I don't mean my soon to be X husband.

I have spent the last number of years collecting, creating and painting all of my Christmas possessions. But when I left I was able to grab very little of it, and so now I have lost it. I know a lot was given away and the rest was destroyed and that hurts.

I know it is just material things...but they were important to me. I think this is going to be a very hard season to get through this year, as I will have to remember what I had. I will not attempt to replace it this year as my will and want won't be there.

I will try and enjoy this holiday as I always enjoyed Christmas, and the true meaning of it. I choose to look at it as I have to give it all up in order to truly start again. But that doesn't make nights like this any easier. So to deal with my emotions I need to be creative, so I wrote another poem.

Darkened Skies

Oh darkening skies so cloudy and grey,
When oh when will you go away.

Your cruelty so strong, while emotions are lost,
No trust in you is my complete cost.

I have paid my dues, enough for three,
Why dear fate are you so hard on me.

A lesson I must learn, and let it all go,
Do you feel my pain I would like to know?

But suffer I must for reasons unknown,
To keep the faith while the pain is shown

To a better time ahead, the dept paid in full,
To a fulfilling life, I hope this is the rule.

I hope in time the trust will return,
For it is self who has made this turn.

One day soon an understanding we will reach,
And through my pain maybe that lesson is reached.

By: Ann Gallant
November 21, 2007

Good night,

Pixie

Dancing

2007-11-18T19:29:00.000-04:00

Hello again,

Last night I went to my work Christmas party and dance, my best friend went with me and was designated driver, and we took a couple of people with us. So I became very good friends with Mr. Labatt Blue because I didn't have to drive;) It was very nice to get out and mingle and just cut loose a little bit, it really helped bring me around. The only downside of last night is that I was thirsty all day...don't know why I sure drank enough last night....ha ha. But I still have my blue friend here and I will enjoy at least one of him tonight.

Today my mom and sister came down for a visit and lunch, and this morning I went down and visited my 92 year old friend. So I have to say this weekend went very good time wise. Sometimes I find time drags so slow, so when it goes good I am very appreciative.
It is going to be a very chilly night and I have just put another log on the fire as they say. Now it is time to go watch the flames and have a chat with Mr. Blue;)

Have a good evening everyone,
Pixie:)

Chickadee

2007-11-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I had a very interesting encounter this morning with a Chickadee, I park my car in the back parking lot at work and started walking down the hill. About half way down a Chickadee flew about a foot in front of me singing his song as he went. I smiled at the closeness, and of his comfort being so close to me as he landed on a small branch as I walked by.

I continued my walk and within a few seconds this little bird again called out as he flew by and landed on another branch in front of me. I did pay attention a bit this time and looked directly at him, but for some reason I kept walking. This was strange because normally I would have stopped and chatted a bit with this wonderful creature.

I walked on and again this little bird flew by singing Chickadee Dee Dee, and again landed on a branch in front of me. This time I knew this bird wanted a little attention. I stopped and turned directly facing him and ask how he was this morning, he replied with his song and came closer to me on his branch.

I in return repeated his chickadee Dee Dee, this little wonder turned his head from side to side as if trying very hard to understand. He then sang yet again and moved very slowly to the end of his branch, keeping an eye on where I was. He then went to a pile of bird seed that was close by, he sang, and stood there looking at me but didn't eat.

I then said I wish I could understand what you were trying to tell me. Obviously he wasn't hungry as there was plenty of food there. This happening follow me all day, and I now wonder if this isn't one of the bird I had befriended before.

I know how strange that sounds, but he was so comfortable around me, and wanted to tell me something. This is the only explanation I have come up with so far. I stood and chatted a bit with him, and then headed back towards work. I looked back to see him then start to eat, but still watched me until I disappeared around the corner.

A short while ago I felt a return to nature and her wonders, but lately I have lost that feeling again. Maybe that was my wake up call to try and return to what once seemed so natural and right. I seem to have retreated into myself again, this is something I do by times. Maybe it is time to wake once again.

If nothing else it is defiantly food for thought, this is my second experience with birds lately. When I was in Lockport a few days ago I went for a walk at lunch time. Across from where I was is a school. There was plenty of children out and about and on my way all was as usual, however on the way back I noted something.

There were Seagulls flying around and I noticed two within the playground. A young girl around the age of 7 or 8 was watching these birds with interest, I stopped and watched this unfold.
This child walked towards the birds, one bird took off but the other just took a few steps away.

This girl again took some steps toward the bird, and again this bird took a few steps. I was fascinated that this child continued this games as the bird did. This went on for at least 5 minutes, finally the bird walked out an opening in the fenced in area. At this point the girl stopped and looked around the grounds, I noted she looked directly in the direction of the adults. She didn't notice me watching her, she again looked at the bird who stopped and was watching the girl as if waiting for her.

For me I began to worry that this child would go through the opening unnoticed. The girl scanned the area once more and slowly walked pass the opening and passed the bird. The bird just stood there watching her for a bit, and then flew away. I also noticed that now the adults were watching her, so I continued on thinking deeply about what just happen.

How determined that child was to catch that bird, it was almost like watching a battle of wills. This is another situation I am trying to understand, I find human behavior so interesting. What would be different to have made that girl go through that opening and possible be in danger. Was it her up bringing, her fear of being caught, or did she realized the more she followed this bird the more he would move away. This is a good question and one I am sure no one would agree on.

What does it all mean, I am not sure. Maybe it means nothing at all, maybe there is a lesson to be learned between the two stories. What I do know is that until I return to nature and follow her once again I won't understand...maybe it is time for me to walk through the opening of my mind and take a chance, and be as persistent as that Chickadee...and maybe stop following blindly and think about my actions?

Food for thought,
Pixies:)

Harmony

2007-11-14T21:49:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I just got back from a two day work related trip in Lockport. This is the first time I have visited this area and I must say it is a very nice scenic area. Immediately after getting out of my car by our cottage, I noticed the scent of the salt air. Many don't know this, but I am attracted to the salt air and the sound of the waves crashing at a beach.

The combination of this effect changes my personality instantly and completely. It is almost as if rational thought is no longer allowed in this environment, and only the senses are capable of picking up all that is natural. I had a friend with me and as we talked, I engulfed the sights and sound around me. I almost felt like I separated part of me to engage this revitalization that I felt I need.

As my mind became calm I was then able to total concentrate on what my friend was saying and an in depth conversation ensued. I must say it seems like so long since that feeling of contentment filled me. I also know it will be short lived, but I will carry that time as long as I can until it has faded and a new experience is need to replace this contentment.

The one constant I found while there was while watching the different sea birds interact with each other. Although they were weary of the other and watched to see if one had something the other wanted, it was their flight which spell bound me.

As they glided into the wind, they would join in a formation as if a universal feeling of freedom had found them. They weren't looking around for the next morsel, rather they seem to invite the others to let the wind carry them and to be content for that moment. I will analyse what I learned in both my work environment and what nature was trying to tell or show me.

Have a good day,
Pixie:)

Still of the Night

2007-11-11T20:42:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I was over to a friends for a coffee earlier, the one thing I noted was how still this night is.
After the wind and snow it was very noticeable to me. I noted the frost under my steps as I walked and knew I had better be careful as I didn't have boots on.

The calm of this night is some how different, the silence seems to carry on forever if that makes sense to any of you, sometime silence can be deafening and tonight is one of those nights. I think if a twig would have snap I would have jumped out of my skin I am sure.

I think I will do as the bears do during our cold long winters, barricade myself in and wait for the spring to wake me from my slumber. Nature does it best as we know, she has figured out how to handle everything life throws at us...how I wish I had that wisdom to get me through.
But like everyone else, we will get by the best way we can...right or wrong.

Until next time,
Pixies

Remembrance Day

2007-11-11T09:10:00.000-04:00

Hello,

Today I would like to ask that we all take the time and remember why we can sit here and read this Blog, and create them. I respectfully ask that each person take the 2 minutes of silence today and imagine what might have happened if those brave people wouldn't have scarified everything for us all.

Here is a link to a video that says more in a song than I could say with all the writings on the Internet.
http://www.slide.com/r/4M2jASNSsD-5qRP7aOZ1TguPuVEKlbdJ

I wish you all a peaceful day,
Pixies

Flu Shot

2007-11-08T16:03:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I had my flu shot the other day as I do every year. I have had some effects from them in the past, but this time I know it made me sick. I was feeling good, until about 3 hours after I had the shot. I got extremely tired feeling, and a little nausea. By that night it was a little worse and my throat and ears got sore, the hot flashes also started.

I think that was the first time in my life I had flashes of heat like that...and I didn't like it at all.
I went to my doctor but she didn't think it was from the shot so she put me off work just encase something was starting and so I wouldn't spread it at work. Well last night was bad, I didn't feel well at all, this morning it was about the same.

My friend who lives next door brought me over some chicken soup she made for dinner, now that did seem to help...and maybe because I wasn't eating much as I didn't feel well. She also did my wash and hung it out, she is a good friend and I do appreciate that...and I won't forget it either. I managed to get through today ok, but I worry how long this night will be as I slept a lot today, but I will soon find out. But right now all my symptoms are just about gone, the only thing I still feel is a little fatigue, and that is why I suspect the shot.

My understanding of the flu shot is that it changes from year to year depending on what type of flu is coming. So why I wonder do so many find it hard to believe that this changing shot will indeed affect people in different ways every year. I know they would never say if this is true because people might stop getting the shot. I wouldn't stop getting it, but I would at least be prepared for the effects that might go with them, and maybe have some understanding of what might happen from them. Anyway...

Kelly and I have been out a few times now, but still no sign of my dream man. Maybe he will come and knock on my door with that single flower I talked about...ya right:) Anyway I have finally joined face book, everyone seems to be on it so I thought I would try it. There is an application called are you interested, I have added it to my page and I have had a few yes replies, but they are all so far away. But it is fun so I will continue, and you just never know when something might happen.

Well take care,
Pixies:)

Storm

2007-11-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

Hello,

Well we had a nasty storm go through Nova Scotia last night, power was off for a while. I woke this morning to downed power lines and trees all over the place. The house next to mine had the power meter and stack ripped off from the wind.

In this sheltered area it seemed to be worse between 3-4 am when I was wakened by a bang. This is when the broken limbs from the trees were hitting here. I saw a lot of washed out driveways and flooded areas today as well. But thank goodness it passed, and we survived another storm.

Speaking of storms, some of you might be wondering how I am doing in my single life. Well things are going ok, I can't say it is exciting...it isn't. I really miss having companionship, I have decided that if I meet someone I am going to give it a try. I don't like being alone, this I have found out. That doesn't mean I will settle for the first thing that comes along, I couldn't do that. I need to feel some emotion from a person before I could consider getting to know them better.

More important they would have to show a genuine interest in me, and not be afraid to show it.
But I will wait to see what happens, some of you might be thinking, but she has only been alone for five months. To that I say I have been alone for two years and five months, that is how long it has been since I felt wanted or needed, so that is the date I choose to use. Now you can see why I am ready to move on.

I can spend my days so easy, but when evening comes I dread it. I was hoping that would improve once I moved here, and it has a bit, but there is no replacing the comfort and warmth when someone cares for you. Last night one of my friends and I kicked back and had some beer, we had some good laughs, but again it reminded me that I really don't want to be alone. I am a people person and I feel so empty when I am alone. So now I have to try and find someone I like to fill this void or at least try.
Anyway that is where I am in my emotional battle, I now know I can make it alone, but I don't like it at all.

I also know there was a few of you out there who were having your own trouble and problem, I truly hope things have improved for you, I have not forgotten you. I will try to keep you updated when I can, but somehow I think it will be sometime yet before I find that someone, but if I do...I will share that happiness with you.

Until next time,
Pixie

Relax

2007-11-01T07:25:00.000-03:00

Good morning,

Things have been quiet, and I am enjoying this. Last night I had a hot oil bath in candle light, now I was very relaxed by the time I was done. The kids stopped here around 8, and I decided I wanted to relax and hopefully have a good nights sleep.

It did work, I slept most of the night and I do feel rested this morning. I highly suggest this for those of you who are under a great deal of stress. I used a three wick Pillar candle and sat it where I could watch the flames flicker. I was amazed at how intent I watched the flames and how my mind followed them.

This allow me to relax and stop the continued turmoil we all deal with in our minds. I will add one other thing, if you have a partner it might benefit the both of you to try this... and may lead to an interesting evening;)

Time to get ready for work, have a good day everyone,
Pixie:)

Relaxing Walk

2007-10-28T21:29:00.000-03:00

Hello again,

It turned out to be a very hectic day for me after all. I didn't even have breakfast until 12:30 this afternoon, it just seemed that everything snowballed. I started doing one thing and it lead to another and then another.

Finally around 4:30 I got finished for today, I did stop for a half hour visit with my 92 year old friend. Then I finally decided it was time for my solo walk by the water. I geared up and away I went, I have to tell you the scenery here is breath taking to say the least.

As I walked along the coast I could feel the gentle breeze blowing on my face and through my hair, the sun warming me as I walked. I feel so exhilarated at these times in my walk, as I watched the gulls and numerous other birds frolic around in the low tide looking for a snack.

I am hoping this is yet again another beginning to get back to the things I really like doing in life. I will tell I mind the loneliness, it is very hard being alone all the time. So it would seem I am keeping so busy that I literally fall into bed nights, too tired to think about things for any amount of time.

But I also know this will ease as I get use to it, getting some kind of routine set up will help a great deal I am sure. I will only now allow myself to think about the things I like and what I would like to do in the coming months and years. At least I can look forward to these things now, it will soon be 5 months since I have been on my own and I am slowly adjusting. Do I regret leaving, NO.

We all need to decide what we as individuals are willing to accept from others in our lives. I knew back then and have had it confirmed so many times since then. So many people have come forward with things I was never aware of, I just wish I would have known these things years ago. But that is a wasted wish, that I know.

I just put on a nice little fire to warm the place tonight as it is suppose to get cold, hopefully it will still be warm in the morning.

Good night everyone,
Pixie:)

Night Out

2007-10-28T08:44:00.000-03:00

Good morning,

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here, and I am enjoying it by being lazy! I am still sitting here drinking coffee and playing on the computer, I guess I will soon have to shower and start the day but not just yet.

My best friend Kelly and I went out last night, this picture was taken before we left. We went to karaoke and had a few drinks, it is very nice to be out and about again. Now you know why I am lazing around this morning:)

We had some good laughs last night and I am still smiling over some of them this morning, lets just say there was a pole dancing competition, and no it wasn't me. It was done as a joke by two of the girls for a few minutes, and it was hilarious!

Kelly and I spent the whole day together, we do that on Saturdays only, and Monday night we usually get together as well. This gives us both something to look forward too through our hectic week.

I have a busy day planned again of course, more house work. I didn't get a lot done yesterday and I try to get it done on Sunday so it stays good for a few days though the week while I work.

I am also soon making some bacon and eggs, now that is the way to enjoy a Sunday morning:))

I wish you all a peaceful Sunday,

Pixie:)

Cozy

2007-10-24T21:52:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I am finally feeling cozy in my new place. I found it a little chilly tonight and so I made a fire...well it is not cold anymore now that I can tell you! I better get use to wood heat, as I haven't had that kind of heat for years.

I was to a couple of outings now and plan on going to some more. It is nice finally to be able and ready to socialized again. I am just about ready to face the long cold winter, but honestly I still mind all the alone time. But I am sure in time that will become less and less of a problem.

Most single people tell me once they adjusted to be alone they really aren't in any hurry to give up their freedom, but for me I like the sharing and caring of a relationship if it is good. Time will eventually tell what I will prefer as time goes on.

I must be starting to adjust a little because tonight is the first time in all these months that I actually bought groceries and not frozen dinners! :) Maybe time to start cooking again and creating a new life.

I have also noted the moon the last few nights, I see it much quicker here in the evenings as it passes by my window. Her pull is still strong on me and I am glad I am finally taking notice to these things once again. For the first time tonight while I was out back a little bird started singing close by, so of course I started talking to this new friend.

You know things may not be so bad after all:)
Have a peaceful night everyone,
Pixie:)

New Place

2007-10-21T03:08:00.000-03:00

Hello

I decided to add the photo's of my place to show you. It is small but now it is comfortable.
I have all my needs met except for getting wood for the winter and I am looking into that now.
I have things pretty much done here for now, and will be able to slow down some.
It is nice to be closer to friends, and to be able to walk out my front door and be able to see them.

I am going to believe that things will now start to go better for me, am I still scared...of course I am.
But that is normal for anyone who is start over again in life, one day at a time will get me through my days. I must be getting rested as I started my 3 am wakings again, now I have to go downstairs to use my computer as my laptop needs to set up. I am not sure if I will set it up for now, the external monitor is so big as the display no longer works on it.

I am going for a walk tomorrow, I am looking forward to that. Back to work on Monday, I am so glad I took the extra days off to get this move done. My plan was just for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but I also took Thursday off and I am very glad I did. I forgot how much work is involved in moving and sorting and placing things.

My friend and I went up to the other place I was living to today and cleaned it, I passed in my key and am now totally here. There is no turning back, I will only move forward. I just hope fate has some good things planned for me for a change. Four months of pure misery has taken its toll on me, and I need some good times and laughs now.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Moved

2007-10-19T21:07:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I am finally moved in to my little house, and when I say little I mean little. But it is big enough for me, I even have a wood stove, that will help on those cold cold nights. It has taken forever to get things half organized, or at least to the point where I can find them.

This is the first night I actually feel at home here, and I have taken the night off to sit and relax a bit. I am beginning to believe this is a whole new start to my life, and I am ready to start living it now that I am here.

I am hoping to start exploring this place as I do have a small back yard, and if all goes well, in the spring I would like to fix the yard up and make an out door living area out there. But I guess first I need to get through the bitter cold winter that is on the way.

One really nice thing about here is there is a full size bath tub, and I have been enjoying my 2 am bubble baths before falling exhausted into my bed. The bathroom is only just big enough to turn around in, the tub is under the stairwell that goes upstairs. Every space here is well used now that I can tell you. Maybe I will take some pictures at some point and put on here for those who would like to see it.

Well that is it for this time, I wish you all a peaceful night.
Pixie

Natures friends

2007-10-13T11:57:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I just finished loading my car with boxes, I will be storing them until I move next week. I know without a Shadow of a doubt, I will miss natures friends here. As I loaded the boxes in my car, the little birds curiously watched me. Every time I came back for another box they would land on the clothesline by my door and sing as if asking what was going on.

I have excepted them as they seem to have accepted me, and if I make a certain sound now they will come and land on the line and talk to me. I will sincerely miss that, but maybe my next place will offer some new friends from nature.

I will admit I am having very mixed emotions about this move. Closing one door means you must open another, and ready or not I can not stand still and I must open that door. I am at times looking forward to this move, but there are other times when I would rather just stay here and avoid moving on and facing my tomorrow.

But I also know that good or bad I must take this step, I know the friends I have now will be there for me and that makes this move so much easier for me. Fear is a powerful enemy, and one to be reckoned with, and I do not fool myself to think I can stop fear from happening. Whether I stay or go there will be fear on both sides, so knowing this, I will go for the unknown and put myself out there for fate to decide if it is the right thing to do.

I am tired of trying to figure out what is right and wrong, so this time I will let the hand that has guided me this far, take me forward. I can not and will not believe all that has happened is a coincident, there are just to many over the last year not to know. Some people do not believe in this, and I myself have been very skeptical...but now I can not ignore things any longer.

I guess we will all find out together, as I plan to keep all of you updated, and maybe give you a little hope that things do happen for a reason...and maybe not always bad ones. So take a deep breath with me, and wish me luck with the rest of my life...it begins next weekend.

Take care out there,
Pixie:)

Quiet

2007-10-11T19:14:00.000-03:00

Hello,

It has been very quiet lately, I just wanted to check in and let you know I am still here. It would seem I have nothing to write about lately, I wonder if this is what they call writers block:)
Anyway, should anything interesting happen I will keep you informed.
Right now I am just packing and trying to mentally and physically prepare for my move.

Until next time,
Pixie

Weekend

2007-10-06T23:16:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I am having a good weekend so far, I was at a friends until almost 2am this morning fixing his computer. Had a lot of trouble but I am hoping this will fix it. Tonight I went to a BBQ at my brothers, it was so nice to get out and about again.

My best friend Kelly had her tattoo done today, I have to give her credit for that. She has been thinking about doing this for five years now, and now she has done it. You go girl!:))

I finally feel that I am ready for what ever lies a head for me. I don't mind the thought of being alone as long as I can stay busy. I have promised myself I will never settle for just any relationship, it must be very special before I will ever make a commitment again.

I am now comfortable in the fact that I will remain alone if it is not that special someone. I have already had a few invitations for blind dates, but I am not interested in looking. I don't mind going out and having a good time, but nothing serious is my plan.

My X finally had his day in court and plead guilty to assault and breach! I was shocked that he actually admitted it, but very relieved. Don't get me wrong I was willing and ready to take it to court, but this was so surprising. He got one year probation, and no contact with me, my work place or where I live. He also got fined and has to go to counselling.

I know some of you are saying that is only a slap on the wrist for all he has done, but understand this. In four months, this is the first time he has had to pay for anything he has done. He seemed to be getting away with everything, which really worried me. But now he knows and so do I that eventually everyone will pay for what they do. They may not get what they deserve, but anything is better than nothing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Pixie:)

Good evening

2007-10-01T21:53:00.000-03:00

Hello,

It was a very good evening this evening. My best friend Kelly came up and we went out for supper, then we did some window shopping. We had some serious talks tonight about life, as well as some tearful laughs.

We had a treat tonight and of course we wanted nuts with that...need I finish this statement? No I think not, but we laughed until we cried and I must say that felt good. I seem to be smiling more lately, and I am so glad of that.

Even after hearing the latest about my X today didn't bother me. Apparently he is now telling everyone I am calling him, why on earth would I do that? Then I ran into my niece tonight whom I haven't seen for years.
She had heard the rumours from him, and she hardly knows him. Well for all of the rest of you out there who hear the rumours...no matter what you hear, I can tell you they are not true.

I have taken pride in the fact that I will not stoop to his level. We have ended a 25 year relationship, why can't we just end it and be done with it, instead of playing these silly games?
Anyway, that no longer matters to me, it is completely over. I have moved on. I refuse to turn back no matter how difficult it gets. I will at least know I am doing things right, and I will not spread lies trying to make myself look good...I don't need to do that...unlike someone else!

Hello tomorrow,
Pixie:)

Walk

2007-09-30T08:49:00.000-03:00

Hello,

Yesterday I finally went for a walk, I haven't been for a pleasure walk since July. Now I will admit I was nervous, but none the less it was nice. It was a bit breezy, but even that felt good as I had the sun on my face.

I walked about 30 minutes total as I am not use to walking and know the hazards of over doing it the first few times. I want to try and experience some of the wonders of fall as they happen this season, before the cold hand of winter sweeps the land.

I suppose if we need to try and find something good about the cold weather that is to come, it would have to be for those of you who have a significant other. If you think about it, you might want to hug more to feel the body warmth of the other, when outside, you will walk closer together to break the cold bitter North wind.

But more important, you will be able to crawl into a nice warm bed and share the body heat to ward of the chill. So not all is bad about the coming season for those who are sharing your life...the rest of us can warm up by putting a heating pad between the sheets and pretend! Ha ha.

I also went out a bit last night, it was nice to get out and mingle with people again. No, I wasn't drinking...this time:) I also noticed I slept good through the night.
I believe the return to my walks, visiting my 92 year old friend, and going out allowed my mind a night off of worry. Even though I slept well I didn't wake until 8:30! That is rare for me but it is Sunday and a good day for it to happen.

Yesterday I had a lazy day and did very little, my plan was to start packing, that didn't happen as I lazed around far to long yesterday. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel the same way this morning! But as soon as the coffee kicks in, I will move this day forward, and for the first time in a very long time, I don't wish the weekend over so I can get back to work.

Have a great Sunday everyone,
Pixies:)

Eagle in Flight

2007-09-28T19:12:00.000-03:00

Hello,

It has been a few days since my last post, tonight is the first time I feel I have something to share. I was driving towards Bridgewater tonight when I spotted a bald eagle flying up ahead. I was amazed at how long it's wing span was. As I drove and came closer to the eagle, I noted how graceful this mighty warrior seemed. I envied that creature at that moment, I tried to imagine what it was seeing as it glided across the sky. How it must have felt with the wind beneath it's wings, and the feeling of freedom not afforded to most spices on earth.

I can honestly say, I would have loved to trade places with that eagle for a while to see what freedom is really like. Imagine no bills to pay or to worry about, your biggest concern is finding a meal and a place to sleep. Travel as you will, and come and go on your own want. To look for company or remain in solitude. As I contemplated these thoughts, the eagle took a turn and was flying directly in front of me! I was so excited about the feeling I was experiencing, I hardly noticed I was driving.

I was in awe as this eagle remained there flying with me as I was on a straight away. Of course that was a coincident, but that doesn't matter. When he eventually turned away, I was both excited and disappointed that it was over so fast. But what a wonderful time I had in that short while. Finally something nice to write about, and share.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Troubled

2007-09-25T20:34:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I seem to have revered to be restless tonight, after feeling content for a while. I think the full moon plays a large part on my emotions. I went for a walk to my sanctuary tonight, but this didn't seem to lift the heaviness I am feeling tonight.

I went for a walk around the mall and at least that helped pass some time. I am now feeling a little tired after working hard today and walking tonight. Now I am calmer and might actually sleep. I must say the moon looks so soulful tonight as I watch her climbing to her limits.

The moon and the sun fascinate me so much, they seem to release my imagination...and anyone who knows me also know that can be dangerous indeed! I did have a good visit with my 92 year old friend today, I even shared some of my poems with her. She seemed to really like them and ask a lot of questions about how I came about writing them. Now trying to explain the meaning of something so personal to anyone for me is difficult, but I did my best and she seemed to understand.

I received some news today that has also upset me a bit and I think that is a lot of why I am so out of sorts tonight. I won't go into details but I am sure most of you can guess what the origins are anyway. I will say I can get very upset and angry, but I hope to god I never become pure evil. To be able to live with that much hatred and spite is something even in my worst anger I never had.

I will never understand how these things happen, but the truth is it no longer matters in a way. But in some ways it just reminds me of all the wasted years, and maybe a time gone by when I might have been with someone who really cared. I consider this being robbed of the possibility of happiness and contentment, I might have had.

Anyway enough for the night, I am saying way to much tonight. I just have to remember I am moving on, and someday this will just be a nightmare, I will wake and be relieved that it is over.

Until it passes,
Pixie

Early Morning

2007-09-24T05:19:00.000-03:00

Hello,
I had an early rise this morning, I woke around 3:30 am, and have been awake ever since.
I tend to wake up from 3 am on most mornings, but can usually get back to sleep. However that didn't happen this morning. As I lay in bed thinking about life and all the turmoil of the last few months, a question came to my mind. The same question I have been asking myself ever since the end of my marriage, the question being, "Will everything be ok"?

I was looking out my bedroom window when this question again came to mind. There is a blanket of stars covering the sky this morning, it looks beautiful. At the moment I ask myself that question again a shooting star sped across the sky. It seemed to last longer than usual, it was very impressive.

It took me back to what seemed like a long time ago, but was actually early this spring. I had another of these early wakes and got up for coffee. I remember an uneasiness settling in on me for a while before this, and as I was thinking about that, a brilliant shooting star went across my view! It was breath taking I must say, the one I saw this morning was bright, but paled in comparison to the first.

I have noticed the feeling of foreboding leaving me lately, not the feeling of being unsure, just that things are going as they should and moving on. I choose to think this star was the sign I have been waiting for. Maybe all my trouble started when the first star set its path in the night sky, and maybe this one this morning signified the fading of a long journey and a time for rest.

If nothing else it is a nice thought, that things may soon start going normally for me. Just to ease into a comfortable new lifestyle would be nice. I have no grand ideas or wants at this point in my life. Just some nice times to look forward too, while keeping myself grounded that it will not be easy.

But I am very determined to make it on my own, just to prove to myself I can and will do it. Then I know I will have found my personal contentment and only then will I be able to fully enjoy all life has to offer. Now I guess I had better start getting ready for work, it is going to be a long hard day...but I bet I will sleep good tonight.

Keeping the faith,
Pixie:)

Computer Challenge

2007-09-23T18:07:00.000-03:00

Hello,

This is actually a paper I had to write for school, I had to write a story about something that really challenged me. I did get my laptop working, now I have to use an external monitor on it, but at least it is usable. Now on with my story.

The most challenging learning experience for me would be computers. They absolutely fascinate me, although there was a time when I did not feel that way. When I got my first computer, I didn’t know how to turn one on. With the help of friends and neighbours, I soon figured out how to work the basics of the computer. But something wasn’t right. Even though I was new at it, I was having troubles that I did not believe was my fault. After calling numerous times to the place where I bought my new computer and them finding nothing wrong, I started on a road I never dreamed I would be going down.

Two months after buying my computer I started researching them. I was reading any article on trouble shooting or problems that I could find. I was still having trouble with my computer and still getting the same answer. Finally I decided I had read and tried enough to know it was not just me. I decided to call a licensed computer technician to come to my house and look at mine. Low and behold, my new computer had big troubles. Feeling confident, I called the computer guy one last time. When he answered I explained (with a self satisfied smirk on my face) what I had done. Then I promptly put the technician on the phone. By the end of the conversion I had a full refund coming my way, and a new computer ordered from the computer technician.

Now this should have been the end of my story, but things just are not that simple for me. The first night I received my second new computer, it started freezing up. After almost a month of waiting, I found out that the video card was not compatible with the system. That being fixed, I still had a couple glitches. So I started reading and experimenting with drivers and compatible hardware. Now I will tell you in all honesty, I wiped (reloaded the operating system) on my computer so many times it should have had a rash! But I wasn’t about to pay twenty five dollars an hour for someone to come fix it for me. Months later, after crashing and fixing and crashing my computer some more, I figured out the biggest problems with my new computer was the motherboard itself. The motherboard is the main board that everything else plugs into.

My new technician really didn’t believe me, and why should he, after all I was now only a few months into my computer learning, but he didn’t know the research I had done. After having my computer at his shop for a month, he finally decided I was right and he did replace the motherboard with a look of disbelief on his face. I had more problems with that same computer system for a long time, which made me weary about buying separate parts from him. I decided it was time to learn how to buy my own parts and get my brother to put them together for me.

Although I like the challenge of finding computer problems or reloading the operating system, I do not care for putting them together. I am sure I could learn if I wanted to, but that is the point, I really don’t want to, and for me that is a must.

After many mistakes, lots of learning, more frustration than I have ever experienced, I can pretty much maintain my new home built computer. I am still learning and have begun to understand some of the bios features and their settings. I have found a new reliable supplier, who has been a great help in explaining the many aspects of the computer that I still do not understand. Now I try to share my learning with others in the hope that they do not end up having an experience like I had. It has been over two years now since my first new computer, and now I am finally happy with my system. I only had to go through two not so great places to give me the inspiration I needed, to start me on the biggest learning experience of my life.

Now how was that for a story?
We should all remember we can learn to do the things we need to do.
We may not like having to do some things, or learning to change something so completely.
But in the end as with all things...it is the price of what we pay that keeps us learning!

Hope you all had a good Sunday,
Pixie:)

Busy Day

2007-09-22T22:52:00.000-03:00

Hello again,

It was a busy day for me again today, I had to pop into work this morning for a while.
And of course I went to visit my 92 year old friend, and she tired to play match maker today.
I was a wonderful conversation I must say.

Then Kelly and I went to lunch and had an enjoyable hour, then I went to a friend of mine to wash and wax the car. Of course you can't do that without having a good water fight...and we did! Did you know pixies like playing in water? Well we do, ha ha.

I am still in a good mood despite finding out a couple of upsetting things today, but there is nothing I can do about it right now. As I said I am moving on, and that includes dealing with these things that will continue for a while.

Then I came home and checked my laptop as the screen went out today on it. The monitor is gone and did something to the windows system, I repaired windows and got back up but I am having wireless issue with it. I like to keep my laptop by my bed nights, then when I wake up I can go online and look around a bit in hopes of getting sleepy again. But I will miss that for a while until I get a second monitor and get the glitches out of the Internet. At least it is something I can do for a while in the evenings. Maybe tomorrow night I will tell you the story of how I came to fix my own computers.

It is 11 pm now and I guess I will soon go to bed and sleep for a while. If I want to go on the computer tonight I will have to come downstairs. If it is warm that is ok, but if it is chilly I will likely stay where it is warm under the blankets, and watch the hands on the clock tic.

Have a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Moving On

2007-09-21T20:28:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I finally feel like I am truly moving on, I have packed some things tonight for my move. I now know I will soon be around others and will be eager to enjoy some company. Just to be able to go out walking, yes I plan on doing that come what may.

This gives me a feeling of excitement for something new, now I didn't say I planned on living an exciting life. I know it is going to be hard by myself and lonely, but at least I will be within reach of friends. I can visit others and hopefully they will visit me.

I think people have decided by now if they are going to be my friend or not, if not...then they never were my friend to begin with. I am starting over, I am taking experience, hurt and hope with me. It is these hard to live with situations that really shape who we are.

I do not want to change in the way of believing in the good in peoples hearts, I see good souls out there and I hope to experience their wills and wants from life. Like everyone else in this world, money will be the biggest challenge for a while. But I am hoping in a few months that this will also improve. Until then I will do as everyone else is doing...that is the best that I can with what I have.

Finally looking forward,
Pixie

Good Evening

2007-09-20T19:46:00.000-03:00

Hello everyone,

I seem to be having an enjoyable evening for a change. I worked late today and was tired when I got home, so I took a nap and slept for an hour! I guess I needed it, as long as it doesn't keep me awake tonight...but I know it will.

Before I went to work this morning I clean my place up, so when I woke tonight it was so nice to see it clean and tidy. No my place is not messy, but there is something about a freshly cleaned place that is calming.

Maybe I find it calming also because when I came into my computer I saw a couple of deer out grazing. Moments before this I was watching the moon make her journey into the night and pass my window. The moon seems to be about half full, or half empty, and this is what I was contemplating.

Of course then if you know me even a little, you know I started comparing this state of the moon to my life. Being half full I am content here tonight just drinking coffee and thinking, being half empty, I thought how nice it would be to have someone to talk too about these things.

I have met very few people who would be comfortable talking about this subject. I seemed to think different than most people. Kelly is the exception to the rule, and enjoys these conversations with me, thank god for her. But I am talking about a companion of the opposite sex.

My X always told me I was crazy to have thoughts like that, and when I was younger I was afraid to put my thoughts into words. Now I really don't care what those people think, because that just means we have nothing at all in common. I tend to want to think outside of the box, and want different conversations, rather than the regular stuff.

I guess they call this wishful thinking, but at least they are good healthy thoughts now, compared to all the turmoil I was experiencing. One day I do hope to find a man who is capable of not only having these kinds of conversations, but who actually understands them...now I didn't say how old I would be...or if I would live that long! But there is always a dream, and I want to keep dreaming good thoughts.

I decided to write a poem to try and describe this thought.

Fulfilled

Am I half empty, or am I half full,

Am I really content now, or is my mind playing me a fool.

To speak ones mind with someone to listen,

this would lead to real emotion, and life's true mission.

First be content with yourself and not another,

inner peace will then join us, and bring us together.

Once this magic equation is reached,

heaven and earth will be at our feet.

Spend your time and keep deep in thought,

if we find happiness, the misery will be lost.

But keep it straight and keep it true,

and contentment might just find, me and you.

.............................................................................................................

I hope you understand and find a little enjoyment in this thought process, and if I ever find this magic equation, or man I will let you know. But I won't be holding my breath on that one!

Keep life simple when possible,

Pixie:)

Deep Thoughts

2007-09-18T18:39:00.000-03:00

Hello,

Things are going about the same for me, I am still doing OK. It is mostly quite now for the most part, and now the wait is on. By that I mean now I have to wait for the legal system, appointments and preparations are under way.

I am also soon done with my counseling for now, I still get upset by times but that is normal. My whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. It is time to pick up the pieces I have left and try to move on into this new life I am trying to live.

I guess the hardest thing for me now, is how could I let myself be used for so long, and turn it all off without even knowing I did it. Some questions will never be answered I know, but how much do we all shut out in an effort not to deal with it. So many have to decide will they stay and live the rest of their lives this way. Or will they do as I have done, jump into the unknown head first?

Am I scared of what lies ahead....yes I am very much scared. Lots of questions go through my mind at night, like will I make it by myself, will I get through the never ending bills that keep coming in, and is this what the rest of my life will be like? I have spent many nights on these questions and more, but I have no answers. I will have to wait and see, either I will step forward and survive on my own or fall flat on my face trying.

I believe a worst fate might have been turning off all emotion and living in a state of existence from day to day. I may be bored most of the time, but at least I am living the truth of my life, and not hiding in a loveless marriage. And if I decided sometime down the road I need a room mate, it would be just that, a room mate and not a responsibility. Passing my time does seem to be my problem right now, but I think once I move I will be better able to do that as my mind may finally rest at the fact that I will be around people again.

I have tried reading, and have had limited success keeping my train of thought. I have tried TV, but I might as well close my eyes and fall to sleep. I am no where ready to start painting ceramic's or sewing yet, so this only leave thought...and emails, and I do tend to bug some people too much I know:) But this is what keeps me going and hopefully they understand that and don't mind getting them from me.

Kelly has been a constant companion for me and I am very grateful for that. I will be much closer to her as well when I move and we can visit even more. Until then I will end up writing more on here and pacing the floor. I will have a deep path in this floor by the time I leave, and I am sure my foot steps will echo here for a long time after I am gone. But at least they are my foot steps and not someone else walking on my feet so they don't have to move their legs.

Until next time,
Pixie

The Pond

2007-09-16T07:58:00.000-03:00

Good Morning,

This is a photo of a place I visited yesterday with my friends in Truro, it is a beautiful memory pond. It belongs to Kelly's aunt and uncle, they have a beautiful place in the country. On the stepping stones around the pond, names are etched of a loved ones who have passes on. Little stones follow the path as you walk, and have words on them such as, love, peace and faith.

It is a thought evoking and respectful place. I am standing there watching the Koi fish swimming around. It was raining on and off, but when you are in a place like this , you don't even notice. I think this is a beautiful sanctuary, and a wonderful memorial, and I wanted to share it with you.

Last night however, was not such a peaceful night. A large raccoon was climbing up the wash line all night, banging around after the bird food. I have also added a picture of this as a picture is worth a thousand words. The land lord where I live must have moved it yesterday, because this hasn't happened before. All hours of the night I was wakened by the noise, and once it sounded like a couple of them out there fighting. I see this morning it has been moved further along the line so hopefully tonight won't be a repeat.

Have a good day,
Pixie:)

Sinful Day

2007-09-15T22:21:00.000-03:00

Hello,

It was a very sinful day today:)
My best friend Kelly, and her mother kidnapped me again.
We went to Truro, another place I have never been.

It was rainy and windy but it was nice to be away and not worry. We had a great lunch...but a sinful desert! There is a place up there called the Dairy Bar, where you can get old fashion banana splits.

You also get to choose what flavor of ice cream you want out of about fifteen different kinds!
Then I topped it off with hot fudge and chocolate...now you don't get more sinful than that...unless it is on a handsome mans chest!! Ha ha

We visited with Kelly's family for a couple of hours and then made our way back through the wind and rain. Then we went for a beer, I should say I had a beer and my friend had water as she had to drive.
Thanks for doing that my friend, I do appreciate all you have done for me!

Someday we will go to a day Spa all day and I will spoil you rotten!
The great part about these get aways, is I don't have to worry all day, I can relax and enjoy the day fully.
...Now I just have to start doing that at night!

Have a good night all,
Pixie:))

Calm

2007-09-13T21:41:00.000-03:00

Hi,

The last couple of days have gone fairly well. I am still feeling the moving on I talked about a while back. It is nice to finally come to a point to know that someday this will all end. I am not fooling myself to think it is all over, rather some of the worst might be about to begin.

You see I know It (my X) has been hand delivered the divorce decree, although it is going to take a long while to go through the courts, it will someday happen. I am more confidant in my decisions now, and I am beginning to look forward to the future a bit.

I do wish all of you who are going through anything similar soon get a reprieve. Mine was sent from heaven and allowd me too realize it will someday end. But until you are in a calm you will not see or understand this.

But hang in there, you are not alone. If you feel you are alone, email me and I will try to help in any way that I can. My email address is at the top of the page under PixiesLane. Just put Blog in the subject and I will know it is not spam or junk mail.

Wishing you all a peaceful night,
Pixie:)

Just for fun:)

2007-09-11T07:10:00.000-03:00

Good morning,

This post is just for my best friend, Kelly. She created this picture for me the other night, and I think it is only fair that I show everyone her...artistic value's. Mind you, this image is defiantly part of a bed time story:) But I won't explain that remark, however; if Kelly has the the courage to explain she can do so in the comment section!...yup, I would do this, it would seem my fun and mischievous side has finally returned:)

Have a great day everyone,

Pixie

Euphoric

2007-09-10T18:35:00.000-03:00

Hi,

This is more of a continence from yesterday when I was going for a walk. Today was very uneventful so far...

After writing my blog today I went outside to go to my sanctuary for a while. Once I went out my door I saw all the birds and my chipmunk friend out there. I stood there watching them lunch as the feeders were just filled.

I slowly walked over to the edge of the step and I thought they all might leave. Some of the birds did but only for a moment. Soon they were comfortable with my presents and almost seemed to be checking me out.

I talked very low and softly to them, I heard some chirping in my left ear and I turned to see one of them no more than a foot away from me sitting on the wash line, looking at me curiously. I said well hello there, he looked for a minute and then flew directly in front of me and landed on the feeder.

Now my guess is this was the boss, all the other little birds were watching from the tree right across from where I was standing. I took a couple of pictures as I talked to my new friend, he began to eat and when he did about 5 other birds came and jostled for a perch on the feeder.

They were a bit nervous at first but soon they were flying around me and beside me while they took turns on the feeder. My chipmunk friend was not put out by any of this as he continued to eat. Once I looked for where he was and he had moved directly in front of me. I was tickled pink:)

I love this feeling of sharing with nature, I could feel the warmth again and it almost tingled with excitement with me. I could feel it in my eyes as it rose to the top of my head, and almost radiated out of me in a calming wave. I stood there for the longest time enjoying this feeling. I finally went to my sanctuary and just stood there, closed my eyes and just breathed deeply. I would probably still be there if the mosquitoes wouldn’t have found me.

So I came back to the field and walk around listening to the grasshoppers and crickets playing their music. I took a picture of an old well, the ones that was used to lower a bucket from. I imagined Leprechaun, fairies and pixies playing around this structure of my fantasy. It was a wonder full walk and experience, I hope I am returning to this wondrous state which seems to be returning and improving.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Usual Day

2007-09-09T10:59:00.000-03:00

Good morning,

It is a typical Sunday morning for me, of course I made some bacon and eggs, I try to do this every week, either a Saturday or Sunday morning. Yes it was good:) I then cleaned the washroom and scrubbed the floors. I talked on MSN last night with my friend until after midnight, I like doing that every now and then. We had some great conversation and laughs.

At one point we were talking about how we are soon going to have a Banana Split, and at the same time I had just sent her a picture of a very handsome looking man that someone sent me...
Now I won't go into details but lets just say... that is the first time I thought of a the two together...and Kelly I know that is why you didn't sleep last night!
Ha ha, it was good fun...but he was really cute...and I just wouldn't mention the conversation that followed about whipped cream!! No I wouldn't mention that at all:)))

Oh my time to change the subject, but not my minds thoughts on that one! OK, seriously.
I also watched a movie last night, it is called Lady in the Water, it is fantasy by M.Night Shyamalan. I really like fantasy movies, I found this one lacked a lot of things I like to see in one, but the story the movie tried to tell was a good point. Basically the water people and man use to be as one, but man found other interest in his possessions and wants, and man forgot the water people and their wisdom.

The water people continued to try and fail to reach the humans through out time, and always failed as other forces didn't want this reunion to happen again. As I said I didn't much care for the characters portrayal of the story but I did manage to take this part away with me. Every legend has roots somewhere, every story has some kind of beginning. As strange as some of these stories sound, sometimes, maybe just sometimes one is true. But man no longer believe that which he doesn't remember or can see.

The fantasy we are all taught, does not exist in this world, surly it may have.
I for one want to believe there is some place where our reality is a fantasy, and a bad one at that. Somehow we ended up on the wrong side of life and must find our own way back. Many don't bother thinking about this, or just don't want too. Imagine in the end what it would be like to know there was something so good in this world and all we had to do was look for it.

Maybe someday we will advance enough to see where this place is, yes I do believe it is here. We are no where ready to see or accept a place like this, for in this place all hatred, fear and want does not exist. And those who would still carry these things will never enter this sanctuary. I may never find it, but I will try and leave the anger, and hatred behind...ignoring the want will be the biggest challenge of all...for everyone. OK, enough said I know:)

Back to this morning, I looked out my window at one point and there were a large flock of black birds on the lawn. They were busy picking the bugs out of the grass...what good birds:) But it brought a slight sadness to my heart as I know this is a definite sign of the changing season as it approaches.

Fall is a beautiful time of the year and I will miss so much this year because I am not able to go as I please. I would love to go in search of more hidden sanctuary's, explore the wonders of nature that very few look for anymore. When the leaves change into their fall wardrobe, I want to go out and see and add this too my senses. When they finally fall to their final resting place, I want to run through them and send a cascade of color into the air once more, and then fall into the pile in an exhausted state of contentment.

I took this for granted for so many years, now realizing how these thing can and do affect our thoughts and understanding of all that surrounds us. I know next season I will make sure I can do this. If I have too, I will simple go to another place, maybe a vacation spot. This year that just won't be possible for me.

So my friends, go out and explore before everything is covered in the pure white cold snow. Watch the leaves turn and wait in anticipation for their piling, even if you have to rake them. Enjoy today, for tomorrow may be a bad day, then you would have missed this good one.

Enjoy,
Pixie.

A Calm

2007-09-08T19:41:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I am in a calm again, I have once again let the anger go.

One major factor in my ability to try and go back to a calm is the people around me. My best friend is an inspiration to me in this regard, I have posted this photo of us together on my graduation night. It has come to serve as a symbol to me that we can all move forward if we can dig in our heels and vent the words when we need.

Many times I was tempted to walk away from finishing my quest for an education, but once again, encouragement from friends got me through these very rough waters. Now that I am in an even bigger storm, I am being swamped, but once again I am reaching for the strength that is around me.

I am also realizing putting my anger in the form of words is allowing me to vent without getting myself into trouble...because last night I seriously considered starting trouble in a very big way.

I am bored tonight so I will fill my time in a bit writing on here, so make yourselves comfortable.

My friend came to my place this morning around 11, after my late night last night I didn't get up before 8:30 this morning...shame on me:) But I was ready by the time Kelly got here.

I showed her my sanctuary today, she took lots of pictures. We spent about a half an hour exploring this place and I have to tell you, the anger I was feeling began to leave me. I know that sounds strange but there is something about this place, I feel it somehow penetrate the best part of me. I mentioned this to my friend but I could tell she didn't feel it. But I do know she enjoyed this place, it does have a calming effect about it.

Kelly I know you will read this blog, and I never mentioned this until now because I wanted you to think about it first before you answer me...yup I am a stinker still:) But do you remember the feeling that came over us today? We really and truly enjoyed ourselves, and for once we didn't feel rushed, and I didn't feel the need to watch my back. While at lunch I almost felt euphoric in my feelings of contentment, and I did feel very happy.

I think that one picture you took when I was putting my arms up, best shows the look and the feeling I was experiencing. Have a look and tell me now what your thoughts are of how this day went compared to all the others we have had together, don't get me wrong they are all great, but something was different about this day, and we only did one thing different.

My friend is also getting a tattoo, we went to talk to the person this morning who will be doing it for her. I hope my friend don't mind me explaining a little about the tattoo she is getting? If so let me know and I will edit this part.

Kelly knew she wanted a fairy, or I suggested a pixie, not because that is my Internet name, rather because it is my opinion of the differences in the two. To me an angel is innocent and pure...no I am not saying you are not pure:) But a pixie has a sense of humor...mischievousness if you will.

Oh yes you are mischievous, and yes I am too. To me a pixie is as angelic, but has a sense of humor not afforded to the angel. Although I see them as mischievous, they are also good and are protectors. Once they befriend someone, they remain that way for life. OK, that is enough of what I think on that subject, although I could go on as I find fantasy a place where I could live and love it there, but back to reality.

Kelly did agree to a pixie after seeing one that he showed her. Kelly wants the pixie kneeling in a Lotus flower, and she wants tears coming down the check of the pixie. I suggested to Kelly that I know why she wants this symbol, and I suggested a broken heart lying on the pixies hand. Now this is what she will have put on her leg in about two weeks time. I am so proud that she is going for something she wants and don't mind the thought of the pain she will suffer to get it...as I told you Kelly...you go girl, I will be there while you have it done. Just don't pretend to be in too much pain or I might faint! :)

We then left this place feeling that this was the right place, right time, and all was good. Then as I said at lunch this feeling continued, and I will tell you I still had feeling of getting some revenge this morning.

I am not proud of that fact, but I also know I need to vent this anger or it will fester and spread. I also know there is enough of that in this world, and I don't need to add to it, rather I want to find a way to help ease the hatred. I got up this morning and read my blog again, I felt the same bitterness swell inside of me.

What not many know is years ago, I use to loose my temper all the time. Any little thing would set me off, and after the anger subsided I knew this was bad. It almost seemed like the madder I got, the less control I had over any part of my life. I spent a lot of time alone at this time in my life, and that is when it happened the most. After a long extended period of this uncontrolled anger, I decided I had to stop this evil that seemed to be growing within me. I call it evil because that is what I have come to call anger, this is how I now understand it.

I of all people know how it can and will grow, it does fester and spread, and it will wipe out everything in its path because it has no understanding or want of understanding. It knows only anger, and hatred, it thrives on fear and the strength one gains when in this state. Make no mistake, it is a state of mind, not easily controlled, and requires a life time of discipline too refrain from former habits.

When I returned to my statuary this morning, I was reminded of that through this feeling I was trying to explain. Once I left this place with that understanding returning to me about the hazards of anger, I became almost myself again. I watched my friend become the same way as well. Before all the madness started, we could laugh and talk openly and freely. My friend, I must tell you , I truly enjoyed that feeling today and the experience that came with it, I only hope you in some small way felt that, and experienced it.

When I got home I decide to go visit my 92 year old friend, we had a pleasant visit as I still felt good. Something did happen before I got there though. I decided to get each of us an Icecap from Tim Horton's before I went. So I went to pull into the drive through, and who was sitting there waiting to pull out but my X! I immediately felt the anger return to the pit of my stomach.

He sat there looking directly at me with a big grin on his face and waved like he just saw his best friend...I dam near lost it. But I didn't look his way at all and drove on. I took a deep breath and I remembered my day with my friend and that wonderful feeling I had all day. Within a very short time I felt the calm come back. While I waited I watched this ass, drive back and forth, and I was amazed at how little I cared anymore for this thing...yes he will remain a thing to me.

I thought about the fact that the man I loved was dead, and this was just a weird stranger in my way. By now I was completely calm again, and the anger gone. I had a wonderful visit as I said with my friend. A couple of people came to tell me he was driving back and forth tooting the horn as he went by. I sat back in my chair, and I thought about that, and how silly he must look in the car he has now.

Yes he bought a different car, this one is red, with what looks like black waves going back over it with a black engine bonnet. It also has a scoop on the trunk.

It also has the big loud muffler on it, I imagined a young person driving that car and thought how appropriate that would be. Then I though about a 58 year old driving it, and trying to squeal his tires to show off...well I dam near lost it right then and there laughing! I finally got it!

He doesn't need me to do anything to him...he is doing a great job of looking foolish by himself! Now how is that for logic? Finally something to get me through these dam rough patches...and so dam funny!

So as you can see, my emotions go from one plain right to another in the span of a very short time. I do know I need to vent my anger, but I will do it here with the written word until the calm returns. I wish I would have stopped for a bottle today, because I tell you I think I would have some tonight to celebrate this Revelation!

It has taken me an hour to put this into writing, so be patient as you try to read and understand it. The point I am trying to make is, people keep telling me I soon have to break, or the anger must take over, or I have to do something to get back at him. Wouldn't that make me just like him? I truly can't stand him; and do I want people or myself to see me like that?

My answer is no.

Anger and revenge is not the answer, it will only add fuel to a fire that is already out of control.

I am hoping my approach is as water on the fire.

Consider what your anger really is,

Pixie;)

Another Day

2007-09-08T00:39:00.000-03:00

Hello,

Well I am finally home and feeling a little calmer, now I did say a little.
I really need to find a way to take out my frustration, I know how damaging this anger can be.
I have always tried to find a way of dealing with things , but the hate I am feeling towards my X, is growing daily.
Some might say if you hate him that means you still have feelings for him...let me tell you how wrong that is.

As I said, the man I love is dead, that is final and he will never be back.
I have buried the best part of him in my memories, and that thing that is left behind is just that...a cold thing. This thing would make the best of us sick, and I regret closing my eyes for so long and losing so many years to it.

I keep hearing how one day it will be better, boy I hope they are right...but how do you forget all the evil of one person to make so many un-happy. I know through history these kinds of people have existed, and for some strange reason they almost seem immune to all laws, until they finally take it too far and someone important is affected in some way.

Only then will someone stand up and face what has become the normal in the un-fairness of life...but how important does one have to be to count in this society and make a final difference...well usually someone has to pay with their life...

Pixie

No Better

2007-09-07T19:00:00.000-03:00

Tonight things are no better with my attitude, my headache is a little better but my mind is even more convinced I need to take action! Tonight the BBQ I bought was loaded in back of a truck and headed down the highway. By the way this is conveniently his son's truck, I am now waiting for the police to call me yet again and tell me there is nothing they can do but put it in a file. I have also added a picture of the building that was removed yesterday, you know this is calling for war and I am dam near ready to give it...and when I explode I may not survive...because I will get at least one good smack in...and that would be worth it! As long as he swings first, I don't care if it is my last!

I am headed to a friends tonight, we are going to restore his computer and have some drinks...I think that is just what I need to get me started...I think the soap opera is about to get suspenseful!

One pissed Pixie!

Headache

2007-09-06T14:38:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I didn't go to work today as I have had a bad headache for a couple of days now. I don't know if it is from the cold or the stress I have been under lately. I do know the stress isn't helping and this morning I had more news that my X has removed one of the outside buildings from the property.

Oh my does it ever end, how in the world can he keep removing these things and nothing can be done. Let me go and do that and see what in the heck happens. I am getting very tired of trying to be nice about this. Maybe I need to become what he is, it seems to be working for him.

Maybe if I just go take what I want, and sell it or give it away I will begin to come a head in this life. I know that is not logical, but what has the logic got me so far? A major headache is what, have I contacted my lawyer, of course, will I be able to do anything about it...of course not. This really is a mans world, and the only thing it seems I could do is move back into my home, no one has the right to stop me. And wait until I am killed, so he gets charged with murder, or until he attacks me again and then I can have him removed.

I really thought that in today's society things had improved when It came to equal and fair rights, but I can tell you nothing has changed in the least. I will literally have to be killed by him, and then they would say they couldn't prove he did it.

I worked just as hard for the things he is selling and giving away, I am paying my own way in life, always have. And he gets to live there for free and buy different a vehicle, I just don't see where that is fair. I thought my life had an equal value to his in the grand scheme of things but apparently I don't. So where does that leave me...well apparently in the world alone, because I believed we are all equal. I always believe good would eventually beat out evil and that there was a happy ever after down this long road. But I am now beginning to believe I am wrong, and the only way for me to win is to do something drastic.

Now my head is splitting again, time to put the breaks on my thoughts as they are. But everyone out there who reads this needs to open their eyes as I have...nothing is fair, nothing is right, and the meaner you are in this world, the farther a head you will come out.

Yes at this time that is just how I feel, and yes I am beginning to believe it and worse...nobody really cares as long as it doesn't interfere with their life. But what some don't seem to get is this could be their life very shortly, and who will be left standing by your side?

Is there a reason,
Pixie

Sanctuary

2007-09-04T18:50:00.000-03:00

Hello again,

I took a walk down to my newly discovered sanctuary tonight after work. It is an amazing place, tonight I noticed something I didn't notice last night, another path going through the woods by the brook. I followed this path and noted that after a rain I wouldn't be able to cross here, for I could see the water would cover this place.

But I pushed on and came out to the river, I don't want to tell to many details of this place because I don't want certain people to find me. Let me tell you when I submerged from this almost hidden path I was struck by the fact that I felt I was here before. I know I never was, but it was uncanny how I felt.

I played around one time and painted a picture, it wasn't great but you could make some things out. Let me tell you, a couple of things stood out immediately for me that resembled what I tried to paint. I couldn't believe it. I went back to my place and grabbed my camera once again and took some pictures. Now by first looking at what I painted and the pictures I took, most wouldn't see the resemblance, but if one looked at it from the other side of the river to where I was standing, and where I took the pictures, it would be obvious to some including me.

Somehow what I painted was younger, by that I mean the grass was shorter, the water level was higher and the rocks a little different, but in relatively the same place. My painting was almost that of the same spot, but somehow in the distant past. It is amazing how so many coincident can happen in a lifetime. I have had similar things happen throughout my life, the feeling of living this life for the second time...and yes apparently making the same mistakes every time.

I joked with my friend tonight that I finally lost it, I told her I must be in a comma somewhere waiting for my next shot of med's!! Ha ha, how else does one explain all these crazy things that we think happened. Well if nothing else it gave me some interesting thoughts, and if what I am expecting does happen, I might even have something to enjoy for a while...it is the ending that I don't like. But this is just a fantasy, so it is all in fun, put the straight jacket away...for now:)
I am not about to live in this make believe world of mine...for the time being it is keeping me occupied for a while.

Be good to each other, you may need someones help one day,
Pixie:)

Hidden

2007-09-03T22:31:00.001-03:00

Hello again,

Well as I said when I re-edited my post this morning I had to change my plans as my X was off today as well.
But I went for a blueberry muffin, oh so good and a coffee. Then I walked around the store for a while and then went and visited my 92 year old friend. She is not feeling well, and has a bad cough, but I am so glad I went and saw her.

I was expecting her to be sleepy, but when I got there she was just a humming a little tune. I really enjoy her when she is in this mood, and we had an hours worth of conversation and laughter. I will be so glad when I can visit her in the evenings again every now and then. But for now we have the afternoons, and we will enjoy what time we can together.

When I left there I went to visit my friend Kelly for a bit, then I came home and had a nap…I find the older I get the better I like to have a nap on a day like this. When I woke I decided it was finally time to explore the area where I am staying. This is the first time I wanted to do that, I noticed a little path in the back of this place and decided to check it out.

I took my time and enjoyed the sun streaming through the trees, a hawk was calling out and a slight breeze rustled the leaves on the trees. When I got down over a little hill I caught my breath in wonderment, here hidden away was a small area around the brook that runs pass my place. This place is beautiful, what a treasure I have discovered! I will now spend more of my time here; as I approached the water; I spooked a couple of deer who were gracing on the other side of the bank. I believe I have just found my sanctuary, a place to go and think and just be me.

I have added a couple of pictures of this place, it was evening when I took these pictures so they are a little dark, but you can see the calm that surrounds this place. After my discovery I went back and got my camera and took some pictures, I had to hurry as my friend was coming for a while this evening. I showed her the pictures and next weekend I will take her there for her to enjoy this place.

This was the first time I have ventured out for a walk and I must say it was very nice and relaxing. I had a couple of upsets today but this walk helped, and my friend and I went for some chilly, now that just has to warm the soul. It was a very good evening, my friend and I just sat and talked. We talked about everything from being lonely to falling in love or ending up alone, it is nice to be able to talk to someone about these things, and I know she feels the same way.

I guess I should soon call it a night as I am back to work tomorrow, I know I will be busy for the next four days. I will worry about the weekend when it gets here again, until then I wish you all a peaceful week.

Pixie:)

Good morning

2007-09-03T08:11:00.000-03:00

Hello everyone,

I am having a pretty good morning this morning and I want to share that good feeling with you. My cold is much better and my mind seems to be handling things great. I still get very upset by times but I now know I am moving on and forward.

This being a holiday gives me another day off, and I am hoping to enjoy it a bit. I will explain that remark tonight in detail. I woke early this morning, 6am to be exact, so much for sleeping in. I forced myself to lie there for a half and hour and then I just had to get up.

I have noticed the chill in the air in the mornings, fall is approaching fast. Although I love this time of year I don't like the bitter cold that follows, so go out and enjoy this beautiful weather while you can.

I decided I wanted some breakfast this morning, I decided to have something I haven't had for a while now. I scrambled up two eggs with a folk, I add, sugar, cinnamon, and a little Vanilla. Once I have this mixed I then add just a little can milk and pour it directly into a hot pan. Once it is firm on one side I flip it over and add some cubed ham over the top and sprinkle some shredded cheese over it. When the other side is firm I start to fold this into quarters until all is hot and the cheese is melted. One word of caution if you try this, do not have your pan to hot as it will burn before it is ready. Now enjoy. I hope some of you try this as it is a tasty treat every now and then.

Well I must go and prepare for the day, the sun is up and the birds are out my front door having their breakfast of some bread heels I have put there for them. Have a great day, and I will write more tonight.

Well it is now 8:39 and I am back to edit this post. I was hoping where it was a holiday my X who usually works, wouldn't interfere with me enjoying some freedom today...but you know what they say about making plans. I just found out he is not working today which means I have to go back to being very careful.Oh well I will just have to change my plans a bit, because I will not sit home all day today.The one thing I have gotten very good at is calling 911 if needed!

Keep smiling,
Pixie:)

Better

2007-09-02T19:47:00.000-03:00

Hello,

My cold seems to be better tonight, the chills have gone and I can breath again for the most part. I am very happy over that. My friend and I was out and about today for a while, time goes so fast when we are together. That is something I do still miss and I guess I always will, that is company. It seems I was always going somewhere or people were around and about, but now there is only silence here.

A lot of people wish for peace and quiet, and I did also for a while...but let me tell you too much of it is not good either. But I have no choice as there really is no one left to visit me or for me to visit, so here I sit. I will be moving in a couple of months, I am so looking forward to that. I will at least be around people again and then I will go out and socialize a bit.

I will be within walking distance of a lot of places, including some good drinks:)) And I have every intention of starting to enjoy myself and the company of others. I would be doing that now if not for certain people. Today was the first time I actually saw what he does, yes I am talking about my X. My friend and I was having a late lunch when we looked out and saw him combing through the parking lot. I know he was looking for my car, he passed all the empty parking spaces and went up and down the rows of parking places. I couldn't believe it, what arrogance, then he left so why else was he there.

I really do look back and wonder how I could have stayed with him for so long. He has shown nothing but hate since this all began, so that tells me there was no love there to begin with. How could I have been so blind for all of those years. This really makes me wonder what it would be like if someone really loved me, and I truly loved them. I hope one day to find out, and this time I hope it is real, if it happens that is.

I do miss not having someone to talk too, and having someone around to share things with. But for now that is just how it will have to be. So for now I will content myself with the knowledge that soon I will be somewhere when I can come and go as I please, with caution of course. And maybe get out there and meet some new people and experience life once more.

Have a good night,
Pixie:)

Cold

2007-09-01T17:56:00.000-03:00

Hello,

Well it would seem this cold has finally caught up with me. It has been making its rounds at work for a while now. Now what is it they say...lots of rest...I don't think so:)

I did go to work again today, my usual seems to be six days a week now, but I like to be busy. I was going out tonight for a few drinks, but now it looks like I will be staying home with a box of tissue. Oh well there are worse things in life...

Speaking of which, there was another minor incident today concerning my X. I wonder will he ever get it? I am beginning to think I will have to stay hidden forever at this rate, and that really isn't fair. We might have share a life, but he gave up all rights to that the minute he tried to sleep with someone else, and then tried to physically harm me.

I knew it was too quiet for too long, but I will have to just go with it, what else can I do but keep reporting this stuff to the police so they can add it to that file which is growing at an unbelievable rate.

Oh well I guess I will have to take some strong cold pills, and then dream about that fantasy dream man I invented. That will hopefully keep me occupied for a while:))

Until next time,
Pixie

Making Sense

2007-08-30T20:05:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I believe I am on the verge of figuring some things out. Let me begin by explaining that my situation doesn't follow conventional actions of violence. My 25 year relationship wasn't always bad, there was some good times through out our marriage. There was no physical abuse until that one night, and there was no fits of jealousy. You see, if anything there was a lack of good caring emotions and interests.

I am not ashamed of the fact that I am seeing a councilor, and that I have contacted Harbour House. If any of you are in trouble or are unsure if you even need help, the number is in the book, they have many means to help you, even just to answer questions if need be. For me it is in the form of talking and making plans. Now that I have said that I will continue with my thoughts.

I now believe the 14 year age difference between me and my X, has become a major factor in our lack of similar interests. Are you asking why I am saying these things or telling you?
Well I am beginning to understand I need to know what went wrong, so I never make the same mistake again. But more important; to cope with my situation, and the fear that has come where it has never lived before.

I am beginning to get a glimmer that all of this pain is for a reason, I am not so arrogant to think that I have all the answers, rather; maybe finally a beginning to understand my personal misery and why it is so strong. I am now wondering if in a small way I may be able to help some who suffer as I do. I am sorry I can't explain more just yet as this is just the beginning of this idea.

My want now is too reach out to others, in a way that will help them find a little hope. This has only began to dawn on me in the last hours so I do not have it all figured out yet, but I already know how important it could become.

And to think, I owe it all to a miller and a chipmunk. And you know I haven't seen my little friend since, but I know he is there and watching. The feelings that have begun to stir again are now almost...lining up my current thoughts. I will be helping myself as well as others, how perfect is that. The one thing that will snap me out of my own problems, is by helping others with theirs in very small ways.

I am hoping the moving forward is happening now and I have allowed my hopes to rise a bit. Somehow it feels like the here and now have changed, and the wheel as they say is turning. But in the same breath I must not let my guard down, I know too well how fast things can happen and escalate out of control. So now I will look for a balance of helping, along with caution.

All I can add to this is,
It is time,
Pixie

Old Feelings Return

2007-08-28T20:18:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I have a story I will share with you, for some it will mean nothing, but for me it is a returning to things the way they use to be. I was visiting with my friend at work yesterday afternoon, when in the door flew this moth or miller, I am not sure which it was, it was mostly black.

It flew in and circled around me, and I said to my friend look at that, we were very excited as this little creature circled. I finally said jokingly, ok now calm down and come and sit with us, my friend caught right on and said yes do settle down a bit.

I held out my hand and it landed there as if right on cue, we sat and talked to this little visitor not believing it was actually inside sitting with us. It was walking around on my hand and made itself at home, it was tickling my hand as it did so, and I found it hard not to scratch :) Finally I said to my friend I need to let him out before he gets hurt in here, she wanted the same for our little friend.

So I went into the dining room and found a place to slip him out, he flew away but left behind a wonderful conversation with my friend and I. I reminded her today about our friend because she did forget about him, but I will keep reminding her about it.

Tonight I was tired after a hard but good day at work, and had a nap on my couch; I was awakened by the sound of a bird chirping by my door. So I sat up, and when I did the chirping stopped, so I went out and sat and watched the birds and chipmunks making their nightly rounds.

The birds are very nervous except for one, he is not bothered by my presents and always looks at me when I go out, and then continues with his feed. The chipmunks seems to have accepted me as well, I always save the heels off my bread for them, and now they seem to look for it.

I watched them running about for a while and realized the birds and the chipmunks had all the seeds cleaned up from the ground. I thought about the sunflower seeds I had inside and went for them, when I came out chipmunk look directly at me, and as I walked towards him he walked towards me. I thought he would run as I never tried to approach him before, but he came right to the bottom of the step where I was standing, and was watching me intently.

I opened the can and sprinkled some seeds on the ground right beside him; he calmly reached over and started eating. I sprinkled a few handfuls there for him and his other friends, and they also came and gladly ate. For the first time in a long time I felt a familiar feeling stirring within me…it almost felt like the warmth coming back to my soul.

I have always been soft hearted, and I have a want to love all who are around me, from people to nature and all that is in between. But life has always kept that feeling from coming completely forward. I want that feeling to continue; I always felt like I could get lost in this feeling, and somehow join with it, when these wonderful things happen.

I often wonder if I put myself in a place where only nature and I existed what would happen. I think I might find this oneness I heard about a few times. It is such a strong feeling when it happens, and I have missed it this last while back. Maybe I am just full of myself I don’t know, but I always felt there was something, a pull if you will, to try and find out… maybe someday I will.

Tonight is the full moon; I have always felt her pull. I feel her tonight and would love to go out and greet her as she arrives, but I must be so careful now as it is still not safe for me to be out and about. But would I love to watch her climb in the sky, while looking over the water. Water also has a very strong affect on me, and the combination of the two would be a wonder to experience.

Maybe one day I will be able to do that, go by myself to a beach and watch in wonderment, as I see nature doing what has become an un-exciting event to many. If I had a choice this is how I would re-fill my emptied soul, I would fill it with nature, nurture, and love. I would rekindle that spark which I once experienced through my walks, and from truly and purely caring for others, and wanting nothing in return but that wonderful feeling one gets from doing right and good.

This; I now realize is honestly what I miss the most. I could never put these thoughts down at one time, I would have been afraid of ridicule, but now it really doesn’t matter what those people think anymore.

When I feel that warmth filling my soul, I could almost burst with it; and then I would want to wrap it around the world for all to feel,knowing this would be right. And know; if I ever find a way of sharing that feeling, I will, be very sure I will.

Until next time,
Pixie:)

Nice Night

2007-08-27T21:56:00.000-03:00

Hello again,

You know, I am getting use to writing on here just about everyday. I now look forward to telling who ever wants to listen about my days.

Some of you may be wondering if things have eased a bit with my X, well I would say yes but not completely. I don't want to give to many details yet, but some things are still happening. But compared to what has already happened they are mild.

I am trying to keep my guard up, but I am wishing the worse to be over...well it is a thought anyway. My mind has become clearer, and I have begun to laugh again. My friend and I went out for supper tonight, and then went for some soul food...now I know what you are thinking...what is soul food. Well tonight it was in the form of a ice cream flurry at the Tasty Freeze...mini m&m's, oh so good:)

The soul doesn't care what size your waist is, it only wants to enjoy something that tastes so good that it has to be sinful, or soulful:) I did laugh again tonight, and for once I focused more on my friend and her troubles. You see my friend has a very full plate of troubles that she deals with on a daily basis. This just goes to show how good a friend she is, she is always worried about me and not herself.

I need to start taking better care of her, now that my mind has finally come to a place where it can cope for now. So my friend be prepared, I am going to try and get you to talk more about your problems, so you can vent and scream if need be, I am ready thanks to you:)

I am going to call it a night as I am going to have a very busy day tomorrow at work. Thank goodness for work, it gets me through the day, and if I want to be to tired to think...that is what I do, and tomorrow will be one of those days.

And girls, although it might be short lived, there is almost a calm for now. If yours hasn't come yet, hold on, it will. But I won't promise it will last, so enjoy it as much as you can while you can. I am definitely trying too.

Good night and take care,
Pixie:)

Day of thought

2007-08-26T17:01:00.000-03:00

Hello again,

Today seems to be a deep contemplation day; I spent most of trying to look forward to see what might await me. It is hard to do that under the circumstances, but I did manage to make some decisions. After sitting a starring at the waves at the beach today I allow myself to think a head a bit, by trying to decide if I want to remain single or if eventually I want to get involved again in another relationship.

I decided I don’t mind being alone so much, but I don’t think it is something I would want to be permanent. Does that mean I am looking, no. It would have to happen naturally, and this time I would have to know without a doubt it was right. I would also make sure they held some of my interests, but they would have to have different ones of their own to share.

That would be another important fact, sharing. I believe sharing and caring become one in the same, once the sharing stops so does the caring in my opinion. This person who probably doesn’t exist, would also have to enjoy music, quiet evenings listening to different kinds of music as we look deeply into each others eyes…now girls how does that sound? Sounds good to me:)

I don’t watch a lot of T.V. but when we would, it would be snuggled together comfortably, not on opposite sides of the room. Imagine, short moon light walks, and occasional nights of sleeping under the stars, cuddling close to keep warm…ok girl’s breath with me now. Maybe we expect too much from potential partners these days.

But I have given this a great deal of thought and I will continue with this imaginary man.
Things that would be very important are those little things that no one thinks about anymore. I am talking about a guy opening a door for you, looking you in the eyes when talking to you, and most important, looking you in the eyes before that wonderful kiss…ok girl’s maybe I went to far that time…cold water helps:)

If we are asking lets ask for it all shall we? Well how about the other little things that people may call silly but they would be so great. The one thing that I truly like is someone playing with my hair; no I don’t mean messing it up, I mean slowing running their finger through it in a gentle massage…is it getting warm in here, ha ha. Seriously, those little things are so important in life. I would take a foot massage over an expensive dinner any day, a walk on the beach over a day trip, and most important, a man who is not afraid to kiss my forehead in public to show how he feels.

Those of you who are still in a marriage and all of these things have stopped or simply never existed, maybe it is worth a try to rekindle things. To tell you the truth, at the beginning of this year I tried very hard to get my X to do just a couple of these things, but all I met was resistance and those dam words…”Don’t be so foolish”! Oh how I have come to hate those words.

Now back on track, I am kind of enjoying creating my perfect man. Now the only other thing that I did think about for my dream man was of course a flower, not a bunch, just a single flower to represent the thought that says, “I am thinking about you”.

Will I ever find this dream man, no I doubt that he even exists, but if I had to think about this today this is what I would want before I would even consider another relationship…but somehow I think it will be a long lonely life if I look for him…but girl’s, there is always fantasy, and I have already met him there… and oh what fun we have...now I need a shower! :)) See what happens when I finally get some peace and quiet:)

Until next time,
Pixie:)

The Great Escape

2007-08-25T22:05:00.000-03:00

Hello,

Today I was kidnapped by my best friend and her mother, what a wonderful day we had.
It was so nice knowing I wouldn't have to worry today, we went to the Greenwood Mall in the Valley. Then we went to Berwick, a place I have never been, and then we went to New Minus, another place I have never been.

Now I did receive two calls from the police about my X uttering threats about me, and finally someone was will to stand up to state it too police, and she was willing to go to court as well. But because of the wording of the conversation I wasn't able to lay charges or I would have. Another bit of information in a growing file against him. My friend just now called me and told me my X was driving around down there today. People saw him driving very slowly past her place, I do hope this madness soon ends.

But I pushed that all aside in an effort to enjoy this day of freedom to the fullest extent that I could. I did pick up some things I probably shouldn't have but everything was on a great sale I couldn't resist. Then I saw something I just about flipped over...a beautiful pink winter jacket...oh it was so nice and fur lined. I tried it on and it fit perfectly, but I put it back. It was 50 bucks which was a good price for that type of jacket, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money right now...but it was so nice. I kept saying to the girls all day, what a pretty pink jacket, and we would all laugh over that:)

Anyway, we had a very nice lunch at A&W. Of course I wasn't allowed to pay for that...and I did want to, but for some reason no one was listening to me:) Then more shopping, it was very hot in the Valley today but beautiful. Then around 6 we hit New Minus, we decided on Chinese food for supper...yup, not allowed to pay again:)

It was all you could eat, and boy did we eat! I think I tried a little of everything, from the sweet and sour chicken, scollop's, and wings too the ribs! Oh my I didn't think I would be able to move and then my friend said well, it is time for desert...well I didn't know where I was going to put it but away we went:)

We decided on ice cream, but I had a dilemma...did I want death by chocolate, or bears paws...I finally said to Kelly I can't make up my mind...now she is a fast thinker and said, "Why are you trying to figure it out, take a scoop of both"...here finally was some logic I could sink my teeth into...and that is just what I did!

It truly was a great day, thank you both so much. Neither of you will ever know how much I really appreciated and enjoyed this day for a change. It has been the best day I had since July the 4th, and I can honestly say that because I spent that day with my friend as well. I will say to you both, kidnap me anytime you want, I will be a willing participant:)

I am finally just beginning to unwind for the night, it is so muggy here that sleep will be difficult, but at least I will close my eyes with good thoughts, and maybe even have a smile on my face as I finally go to meet the sandman.

I wish you all a pleasant night,
Pixie:)

Good Day

2007-08-25T08:03:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I think today is going to be a good day, my friend is picking me up and we are going somewhere all day. I won't say where yet, but tonight or tomorrow I will tell you all about it.

Also there have been some improvements concerning my family. Things are still very rocky but there is a slow moving forward happening.
Could it be that a few things will now straighten out?
I better not get my hopes to high just yet.

Have a good Saturday everyone,
Pixie

For you

2007-08-23T07:07:00.000-03:00

Good morning,

I have decided to give everyone who reads my blog a treat today.
I am not going to complain or try to explain my situation.

This morning I feel thankful, I don't know why yet but I do. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, and comments. They have meant a great deal to me lately.

Once again I want to thank my best friend Kelly, who literally picked me up when this all started going bad, and never let go:)
Someday I will thank you by spoiling you rotten, and you will deserve it.

If everyone in the world had a good friend like Kelly, there would be far less grief in this world. So for all the good and best friends in this world, this tribute is too you.

Thank you from everyone you have helped and touched, and know you are making a difference in a world that has become so harsh.

Maybe...just maybe, you all are the light:)

Good thoughts,
Thank you,
Ann

Better

2007-08-21T21:06:00.000-03:00

Hi,
It has remained quiet the last few days, and I am grateful for that. There are still some issue's coming forward from my family but that by itself I can deal with.

My best friend Kelly came up last night and we went to Wal-mart and Zellers for a while. I forgot how nice it was to go somewhere and not worry about being alone and about my car getting it again. I believe I even laughed a few times:)

I am not foolish enough to think the worse is behind me, I know different. There are some things in the works that will literally stir the pot again, but they must be done.

What really amazes me is that after 25 years together we can't agree how to settle this without going through the courts. But push has come to shove, and I am very tired of being pushed!

So hold on tight when it hits the fan, it is going to spatter far and wide...but I have already lost my freedom, and most of my friends, and family...so he is slowly losing ammunition to use on me.

I have finally began to sleep most of the night which has helped my mind a lot. Maybe now is the time to start moving and pushing forward...into whatever waits for me at the other end of this hell on earth.

I believe it is the calm before the storm,
Pixie

Confusing Thoughts

2007-08-19T21:45:00.000-03:00

Hello,

I have decided to try and explain how I am dealing with my situation. This is very hard for me to do, but knowing there are others out there going through rough times helps me to share this with you. You will find my thought process confusing because I do. I will not try and sort it out, but rather I will let my mind have its say, understandable or not I will write it.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the loss of my freedom; I still take a chance every now and then and go to the mall or to different places. For the most part I go to work and then stay home, I worked most of this weekend and that helped, at least I am not alone at work and the residents where I work are sent right from heaven.

Some how they know things aren’t right, even though I don’t tell them, and in their own way they help me by giving me a wonderful smile. I believe the sharing of a smile is sent from the soul. If it is genuine you can feel the warmth from it spread throughout your entire being. There is one particular resident that I call my friend, she somehow has become my way. By that I mean we share at least 15 minutes a day together, everyday that I am there. She is a wonderful 92 years old, and I look forward to seeing her just about everyday.

She has come to look forward to these meetings as I have, thankfully, she doesn’t remember if I am having a bad day or moment. I try to stay away at these times; my purpose is for her to enjoy our time together as I do. I have such a strong sense that I need to spend as much time with her as possible, but I don’t know why. When my godmother passed away last year, I found it hard knowing she wasn’t there anymore.
Somehow my friend filled that void; she also knew and went to school with my godmother, so we freely have good conversation about her.

It may be a mistake getting this close to someone after all my hurt, but she has become a part of me and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world. I care for her very deeply, she is in my heart and no matter what, that is where she will remain. I use to visit her evenings, I find the hours of 6 though 9 so hard to deal with for some reason. So I would jump into my car and visit her. She is blessed with a wonderful family, they visit her a lot and usually there is someone in with her every evening. I have come to like them as well; there was always a laugh to be had no matter how upset I was. I don’t know, maybe seeing that kind of a bond in a family fascinated me. Maybe I stepped out of bounds with them I don’t know.

But because of complications I had to stop these visits, I miss them terribly, but what can I do. I can not knowingly take a chance that a confrontation would happen around any of them. One family member in particular is very uncomfortable with this situation, as he was friends with us both. I have ended that friendship so now he should be comfortable again.

You see my X still visits this place on occasion so I must be weary, especially at night. Since the car chase I really don’t know what might happen now, but I will not take it there. If I am working I can’t help for it and the police would be called, but I can’t justify a visit that just might cause trouble or upset for anyone.

Now I sit and wonder how these things have shut me out of my life. I have found a way of dealing with my X in my thought process, to me the man I married died many years ago. I wondered why I was so upset over this break up when in my heart I think I knew long ago it was over. I now realize I was in mourning. I mourned the man I married… for you see I did love him.

The person who now has his name is a stranger to me and someone not to be trusted. Physically and mentally I do fear him, I have felt his strength and know I am no match for it. That is something else I am having trouble with, the loss of control in my life. As weird as it sounds, these strange thoughts keep coming to my mind. I blame it on all the stress but, my mind seems to keep telling me there is someone out there meant for me, now this is the last thing on my mind I can tell you, and I wonder if anyone else gets these strange thoughts. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I only mention it because it has become a constant thought lately and I don’t understand it after all this hurt.

Actually if I am completely honest…it is a moment that I think might have happened, I blocked so many things out in this last year I no longer know what was real and what wasn’t. But it was a look, yup a simple look, but a look that allowed me glances into someone’s soul, and that keeps almost haunting me now. I think I have just simply lost it. Maybe I am just trying to cover up so much pain that I would put anything there, real or not.

I have always had an over active imagination and I admit that freely. But this look that I refer to seems so…real, I was entranced and couldn’t move and I think when it did end, I just walked away, because I didn’t understand what it meant or what it was. I guess I never will.

Maybe I am trying to create that night in shining armour, who will come and sweep me off my feet, with a pure love so strong I wouldn’t be able to resist…ya right! Now back to my reality which really sucks, maybe my mind is just trying to create something or someplace to keep me going through this mess, who knows.

Right now I am stuck in the middle, I cannot go forward and I will never go back. Now that I have lost all but one of my family members, there are no side roads to take. I have seriously considered moving to a different place and starting all over again, but I can not leave those behind who have stayed by my side and those I still care about. So I wait, I have never liked waiting but I now know there is no choice for me.

Tonight I watched the brook beside my place running wild and free, how I wished I was that water, running full strength, slamming into anything in my way, not backing down from anyone or anything.
Running like the wind, going where I will, and flowing with a high rate of excitement and a want for life.
Not long ago this brook was just about dry, only a trickle of life could be seen, now a fierce and might strength flows though it…I hope one day that will be me…again.

Confusing thoughts,
Pixie

Back Again

2007-08-18T19:40:00.001-03:00

Hello,

I guess I have some explaining to do to those of you who actually read my blog. I was in the dollar store tonight and someone recognized me from my blog, to say that surprised me is putting it mildly. I don’t know your name but thank you, because of you, I decided if anyone who reads my misery can in someway know they are not alone, or maybe feel like this is better than a soap opera, well that would make it worth continuing.

I think in my last entry before I deleted it again, I was complaining about how un-fair this legal system is. As I said I didn’t do anything wrong except try to keep a marriage going that I now believe died long ago. I will tell you some of the details that lead to my decision to end my blog…twice.

My X tried to screw around for the second time in our twenty year marriage, he wanted his cake and eat it too, but you see I don’t bake that kind of cake and I never will.

If I can remain faithful, then I expect my partner to be faithful as well. Have I been temped over the years…of course I have. But part of my character is commitment, it takes me a long time to make a commitment, but when I do I try very hard to stick with it no matter how tempted I am. Was I looking for temptation… no!
Sometimes things just happen that way. That is why I do understand the temptation we all face throughout our lives, but the only thing that will ever stop the temptation, is ourselves.

So I ended this marriage,or rather he did by his actions. Knowing it was over, but because of our financial situation we tried to live together as room mates. After all that is what I felt like anyway for the last couple of years. As long as I paid my half of the bills, that was really all he cared about... that and the fringe benefits of living together, I am sure you all know what that means. Yes I am going to be honest with you, and this is exactly as I see it. Just remember this is my point of view, and I am sure his would be different.

Lets just say this arrangement didn’t work very well, the more he came to understand I was serious, the more uncomfortable I felt under the same roof. He kept wanting me to forgive him because as he said…but she said no so nothing happened…now if I attempt to answer that I will be banned… so I will let that remark stand as it is.

Things started happening to my car, like someone smeared something all over it, and someone put paint stripper, or furniture polish remover on my car fender, and yes the paint did peel off.
No, there were no witnesses and no proof who done it, and there never will be is my guess. After this happened to my car I had a very big disagreement with my X that night. I was almost choked this night, this has not yet gone to court, so it is not proven. Then after a struggle and a frantic attempt to escape, I was once again detained. When I finally got out I did call police and then to top it all off my family got into a physical confrontation with him directly after.

Now I don’t mind telling you my state of mind at this point was none thinking, things became as in a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. Now I will also say; because I am trying to be as honest, that was the first and only time he ever abused me in our 25 year relationship. And remember this is only my version of what happened, none of this has been proven yet.

I was beginning to realize before this incidents, that I soon needed to get out, I was for the first time in this relationship living in fear because I knew something was going to happen, I just didn’t know when or what.

Well because I was trying to find a way out and actively looking for a place, the police decided I had to leave my home. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was in shock after the confrontation with him,then he physically attacked my family and they tell me I had to get out. I am still not dealing well with that fact. But I did go and I did find a place with lots of help from my best friend, I never would have gotten through this without you Kelly, thank you again for then and now.

Since then I have had more damage to my car, someone took something and deeply scratched my car in the Zellers parking lot last Saturday. For those of you who don’t know, I always wanted a new car. Finally I went out and bought one, I made all the payments on it, and I take care of all maintenance and insurance costs. I never received any help from my X with this vehicle, so yes I consider it fully mine.

But you see my story only begins here, once I was out I only had a few things. And the one very important thing I needed for many reasons was my computer. I took a day off of work and I went and got it, I also heard things were being sold so that when we went to court what he considered his wouldn’t be counted as marital property. But that doesn’t matter because I can prove what we had, so it will just come out of his share. After getting my computer things got worse.

I didn’t bother getting a phone up here, because where I am staying is temporary. I decided to use my pay as you go cell until I was permanently moved. Well now the harassing phone calls started, I wouldn’t turn my phone off at night because of work calling me if needed.
Of course I called the police who couldn’t or wouldn’t trace the number; finally I changed my cell phone number and ended that.

Something else starting happening, you must understand by now that even though I have sought counseling for this trauma, I am pretty much a basket case. I had to stay home most of the time; I couldn’t go to the mall or anywhere because my car was always a target. The rumors were flying fast and furious about me leaving him for another women…hello…I like beef, not veil thank you. And then I was supposedly having affairs with two men, and you can just imagine some of the other things being said.

I was stuck at home, alone and miserable and yet the rumors had me in the swing of things to say the least. I started to notice a lot of friends backing away; as things progressed I truly believe people didn’t want to be near me for fear of themselves and their property. Because it seemed like no one ever got caught and things just keep happening. So as I suffered people left, with valid reasons mind you, I know all about being in fear, and how it makes you feel all to well.

Eventually there was only a few people left, and most of them went away as being uncomfortable. Those that didn’t say they wanted me to stay away… well I let them go. You see they are right, my friendship is not worth damage to their property, or to themselves, and I agree, this is not their fight.

I thought I pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel, but you know when things go bad they also get worse. A few things happened that I won’t mention here, yet… and basically I had a high speed chase after work one day to try and get away from my X.

I was on my cell with 911 and eventually they found me and arrested him. He spent the night in jail; and me...I get to live in even more fear. How is my story so far…and remember I didn’t end this marriage he did.

There are also more issues in this case that I can’t discuss, but involve my family. On Thursday gone by I received a call at work from my family, and was basically told this whole mess was entirely my fault and that I wasn’t welcome any more.

You know this boat is just about sunk, I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with it all, and so I shut it off. I can’t and won’t deal with it now, I will pretend this isn’t my life and I am having a nightmare. This is how I manage to get through my days. I will stay away from everyone so that they are protected, I don’t know how long this will last but it is going to be a long lonely road. And just think, this all happened since July 6 2007.

I have found out I have 2 very good friends left, Kelly is one, and to protect the other I won’t use his name. But he has been checking up on me and bringing me a cooler every now and then, which has really helped.

I am now being told I should learn some self defense and defensive driving maneuvers, just incase.

I really don’t know about that, I still can’t believe this is and has happened. It is like I am dreaming and nothing is going to happen except for the misery part. You know I think I could be just fine alone, if I could go where I want, or even go walking again…but I don’t know when this will happen. And yes I have an order of protection in place but so far that seems to have failed me.

So now you know why I got so frustrated and just turned everything off. It has been two days since anything has happened and I know it is only a matter of time before the next incident happens. I will not give up, or I hope I don’t, because this should not happen to anyone.

Love doesn’t physically hurt, so that tells me I don’t know what love is, and I probably never will.
I can’t prove a lot of these things, but I can tell you this:

If I truly loved someone I would let them go before I would ever hurt them. I would live with the pain of losing them before I could ever consider doing anything to them.

And for those of you, who choose to help keep this madness going, remember this could be you one day, and you will be the one wondering why everyone has turned on you.

I will hopefully always have work, because if I can keep busy enough I don’t have to deal with this either. I don’t want to deal with it…but where is my choice…I don’t have one. I am living a nightmare. Except for a couple of people, no one really cares as long as it doesn’t involve them. But I also believe that everything in this life circles around, it comes back and re-looks at what happened and who did what. And sometimes the shoe does drop off of one foot onto the other. Do I wish this on anyone, NO! But I have lived long enough to see it happen more than once, and I am sure it will again.

But you know the funny thing about that, I am foolish enough to try and bail out a sinking ship... that is if one person is willing to try and save it. This is my major fault; I want to believe that there are good people out there. That some would go out of there way to help, and I have found only two out of many.

My friends are now helping me bail out this leaky boat,we are sinking fast, and I have to admit it really does look useless. But as long as they are willing participants, I will continue to try and float this wrecked ship.

I don’t know when or if there will be another post, if any of you are going through or have went through this, I am sorry for cutting you off. Sometimes I just feel like turning it all off and that is what I did.

Take care out there, and maybe God willing this boat will begin to rise again.
Unbelievable but true,
Pixie